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Funniest Literary Opus Competition

Send us withhowl short funny stories,

really happened in your life.

Great prizes await the winners!

Be sure to include:

1. Last name, first name, age

2. Title of work

3. Email address

Winners are determined in three age groups:

1 group - up to 7 years

Group 2 - from 7 to 10 years old

Group 3 - over 10 years old

Competitive works:

Didn't cheat...

This morning, as usual, I do a light jog. Suddenly a cry from behind - uncle, uncle! I stop - I see a girl of 11-12 years old rushing towards me with a Caucasian shepherd dog, continuing to shout: "Uncle, uncle!" I, thinking that something happened, go forward. When there were 5 meters left before our meeting, the girl was able to say the phrase to the end:

Uncle, I'm sorry, but she will bite you now !!!

Didn't cheat...

Sofia Batrakova, 10 years old

salt tea

It happened one morning. I got up and went to the kitchen for tea. I did everything automatically: I poured tea leaves, boiling water and put 2 tablespoons of granulated sugar. She sat down at the table and began to drink tea with pleasure, but it was not sweet tea, but salty! Waking up, I put salt instead of sugar.

My relatives made fun of me for a long time.

Guys, draw conclusions: go to bed on time so that you don’t drink salty tea in the morning!!!

Agata Popova, student of MOU "Secondary School No. 2, Kondopoga

Quiet time for seedlings

Grandmother and her grandson decided to plant tomato seedlings. Together they poured earth, planted seeds, watered them. Every day, the granddaughter looked forward to the appearance of sprouts. Here are the first shoots. How much joy! Seedlings grew by leaps and bounds. One evening, the grandmother told her grandson that tomorrow morning we would go to plant seedlings in the garden ... In the morning, the grandmother woke up early, and what was her surprise: all the seedlings were lying. Grandmother asks her grandson: “What happened to our seedlings?” And the granddaughter proudly replies: “I put our seedlings to sleep!”

school snake

After the summer, after the summer

I'm flying on wings to the classroom!

Together again - Kolya, Sveta,

Olya, Tolya, Katya, Stas!

How many stamps and postcards

Butterflies, beetles, snails.

Stones, glass, shells.

Eggs are motley cuckoos.

This is a hawk claw.

Here is the herbarium! - Chur, do not touch!

I take it out of my bag

What would you think?.. A snake!

Where is the noise and laughter now?

As if the wind had blown everyone away!

Dasha Balashova, 11 years old

Rabbit peace

Once I went to the market for shopping. I stood in line for meat, and a guy is standing in front of me, looking at the meat, and there is a sign with the inscription "Rabbit of the World." The guy probably did not immediately understand that "Rabbit of the World" is the name of the saleswoman, and now his turn comes up, and he says: "Give me 300-400 grams of the rabbit of the world," he says - very interesting, he never tried it. The saleswoman looks up and says, "Mira Rabbit is me." The whole line was just laughing.

Nastya Bohunenko, 14 years old

The winner of the competition is Ksyusha Alekseeva, 11 years old,

sent such a "chuckle":

I am Pushkin!

Once, in the fourth grade, we were asked to learn a poem. Finally the day came when everyone had to tell it. Andrey Alekseev was the first to go to the blackboard (he has nothing to lose, because his name is in front of everyone in the class magazine). Here he expressively recited a poem, and the teacher of literature, who came to our lesson to replace our teacher, asks his last name and first name. And it seemed to Andrei that he was asked to name the author of the poem he had learned. Then he said so confidently and loudly: "Alexander Pushkin." Then the whole class roared with laughter along with the new teacher.

COMPETITION IS CLOSED

This year, guys, I turned forty years old. So it turns out that I saw forty times Christmas tree. It's a lot!

Well, for the first three years of his life, he probably did not understand what a Christmas tree was. Manerno, my mother carried me on the handles. And probably, with my black little eyes, I looked at the painted tree without interest.

And when I, children, hit five years old, I already perfectly understood what a Christmas tree is.

And I was looking forward to it happy holiday. And even in the crack of the door I peeped how my mother decorates the Christmas tree.

And my sister Lelya was seven years old at that time. And she was an exceptionally lively girl.

She once told me:

When I was little, I really liked ice cream.

Of course, I still love him. But then it was something special - I loved ice cream so much.

And when, for example, an ice cream man was driving down the street with his cart, I immediately felt dizzy: before that I wanted to eat what the ice cream man was selling.

And my sister Lelya also exclusively loved ice cream.

I had a grandmother. And she loved me very dearly.

She came to visit us every month and gave us toys. And in addition, she brought with her a whole basket of cakes.

Of all the cakes, she let me choose the one I liked.

And my older sister Lelya was not very fond of my grandmother. And didn't let her choose the cakes. She herself gave her what she had. And because of this, my little sister Lelya whimpered every time and was more angry with me than with my grandmother.

One fine summer day, my grandmother came to our country house.

She arrived at the cottage and is walking through the garden. She holds a basket of cakes in one hand and a purse in the other.

I studied for a very long time. Then there were high schools. And the teachers then put marks in the diary for each lesson asked. They put some score - from five to one inclusive.

And I was very small when I entered the gymnasium, the preparatory class. I was only seven years old.

And I still didn’t know anything about what happens in gymnasiums. And for the first three months, I literally walked in a fog.

And then one day the teacher told us to memorize a poem:

The moon is merrily shining over the village,

White snow sparkles with a blue light ...

My parents loved me very dearly when I was little. And they gave me many gifts.

But when I got sick with something, my parents literally then showered me with gifts.

And for some reason, I often fell ill. Mainly mumps or tonsillitis.

And my sister Lelya almost never fell ill. And she was jealous that I got sick so often.

She said:

Just wait, Minka, I’ll also fall ill somehow, so our parents, too, I suppose will start buying everything for me.

But, as luck would have it, Lelya did not get sick. And only once, putting a chair by the fireplace, she fell and broke her forehead. She groaned and moaned, but instead of the expected gifts, she received a few slaps from our mother, because she put a chair to the fireplace and wanted to get her mother's watch, and this was forbidden.

One day, Lelya and I took a candy box and put a frog and a spider in it.

Then we wrapped this box in clean paper, tied it with a chic blue ribbon, and put this package on the panel opposite our garden. As if someone was walking and lost their purchase.

Putting this package near the cabinet, Lelya and I hid in the bushes of our garden and, choking with laughter, began to wait for what would happen.

And here comes the passer-by.

When he sees our package, he, of course, stops, rejoices and even rubs his hands with pleasure. Still: he found a box of chocolates - this is not so often the case in this world.

With bated breath, Lelya and I are watching what will happen next.

The passer-by bent down, took the package, quickly untied it, and, seeing the beautiful box, was even more delighted.

When I was six years old, I didn't know that the Earth was spherical.

But Styopka, the master's son, with whose parents we lived in the dacha, explained to me what land is. He said:

The earth is a circle. And if everything goes straight, you can go around the whole Earth and still come to the very place where you came from.

When I was little, I really liked to have dinner with adults. And my sister Lelya also loved such dinners no less than I did.

First, a variety of food was placed on the table. And this aspect of the matter particularly fascinated me and Lelya.

Secondly, adults always told Interesting Facts from your life. And this amused Lelya and me.

Of course, the first time we were quiet at the table. But then they got bolder. Lelya began to interfere in conversations. Chattered endlessly. And I, too, sometimes interjected my comments.

Our remarks made the guests laugh. And mom and dad at first were even pleased that the guests see such our mind and such our development.

But then this is what happened at one dinner.

Papa's boss began to tell some incredible story about how he saved the fireman.

Peter was not so a little boy. He was four years old. But his mother considered him a very tiny child. She fed him with a spoon, took him for a walk by the hand and in the morning she dressed him.

Once Petya woke up in his bed. And my mother began to dress him. So she dressed him and put him on his legs near the bed. But Petya suddenly fell. Mom thought he was naughty, and again put him on his feet. But he fell again. Mom was surprised and put him near the crib for the third time. But the child fell again.

Mom got scared and called dad on the phone at the service.

She told dad

Come home soon. Something happened to our boy - he can't stand on his legs.

When the war began, Kolya Sokolov could count to ten. Of course, it's not enough to count to ten, but there are children who can't even count to ten.

For example, I knew one little girl, Lyalya, who only counted to five. And what did she think? She said, "One, two, four, five." And missed three. Is this account! This is downright ridiculous.

No, such a girl is unlikely to be a researcher or professor of mathematics in the future. Most likely, she will be a housekeeper or a junior janitor with a broom. Since she is so incapable of numbers.

Zoshchenko's stories

When in the distant years Mikhail Zoshchenko wrote his famous children's stories, then he didn’t think at all that everyone would laugh at cocky boys and girls. The writer wanted to help children become good people. Series " Zoshchenko's stories for children"corresponds school curriculum literary education for the lower grades of the school. It is primarily addressed to children who are between the ages of seven and eleven and includes Zoshchenko's stories variety of themes, trends and genres.

Here we have collected wonderful Zoshchenko's children's stories, read which is a great pleasure, because Mikhail Makhalovich was true master the words. The stories of M Zoshchenko are filled with kindness, the writer unusually vividly managed to display children's characters, the atmosphere of the most young years filled with naivety and purity.

Do you know that literature is not only for education and moralizing? Literature - it happens for laughter. And laughter is the most favorite thing for children, after sweets, of course. We have compiled for you a selection of the most fun children's books that will be of interest to even the oldest children, grandparents. These books are perfect for family reading. Which, in turn, is ideal for family leisure. Read and laugh!

Narine Abgaryan - "Manyunya"

“Manya and I, despite the strict prohibition of our parents, often ran away to the junk dealer’s house and fiddled with his children. We imagined ourselves as teachers and drilled the unfortunate kids as best we could. Uncle Slavik's wife did not interfere in our games, on the contrary, she approved.

- All the same, there is no government for children, - she said, - so at least you calm them down.

Since admitting to Ba that we picked up lice from the children of a junk dealer was like death, we were silent in a rag.

When Ba finished with me, Manka squealed thinly:

“Aaaaah, am I really going to be that scary too?”

- Well, why scary? - Ba grabbed Manka and imperiously nailed him to a wooden bench. “You might think that all your beauty is in your hair,” and she cut off a large curl from the top of Manka’s head.

I ran into the house to look at myself in the mirror. The spectacle that opened my eyes plunged me into horror - I was short and unevenly cut, and on the sides of my head with two perky leaves of burdock my ears stood up! I burst into bitter tears - never, never in my life have I had such ears!

— Narineeee?! Ba's voice reached me. - It's good to admire your typhoid physiognomy, run here, better admire Manya!

I trudged into the yard. Manyuni's tear-stained face appeared from behind the mighty back of Baba Rosa. I swallowed loudly - Manka looked incomparable, even more whippy than me: at least both tips of my ears stuck out equidistantly from the skull, in Manka they were at odds - one ear was neatly pressed to the head, and the other belligerently bristled to the side!

- Well, - Ba looked at us with satisfaction, - Gena and Cheburashka are pure crocodile!

Valery Medvedev - "Barankin, be a man!"

When everyone sat down and there was silence in the class, Zinka Fokina shouted:

- Oh, guys! It's just some misfortune! New academic year had not yet begun, and Barankin and Malinin had already managed to get two deuces! ..

A terrible noise immediately arose in the classroom again, but individual cries, of course, could be made out.

- In such conditions, I refuse to be the editor-in-chief of the wall newspaper! (This was said by Era Kuzyakina.) - And they also promised that they would improve! (Mishka Yakovlev.) - Unfortunate drones! Last year they were nursed, and again all over again! (Alik Novikov.) - Call the parents! (Nina Semyonova.) - Only our class is dishonored! (Irka Pukhova.) - We decided to do everything “good” and “excellent”, and here you are! (Ella Sinitsyna.) - Shame on Barankin and Malinin!! (Ninka and Irka together.) - Yes, kick them out of our school, and that's it!!! (Erka Kuzyakina.) "Okay, Erka, I'll remember this phrase for you."

After these words, everyone shouted with one voice, so loudly that it was completely impossible for Kostya and me to make out who and what was thinking about us, although from individual words it was possible to catch that Kostya Malinin and I were blockheads, parasites, drones! Once again, fools, loafers, egoists! And so on! Etc!..

What annoyed me and Kostya most of all was that Venka Smirnov was yelling the loudest. Whose cow, as they say, would moo, but his would be silent. This Venka's performance last year was even worse than that of Kostya and me. Therefore, I could not stand it and also screamed.

- Redhead, - I shouted at Venka Smirnov, - why are you yelling the loudest of all? If you were the first to be called to the board, you would not get a deuce, but a unit! So shut up in a rag.

- Oh, you, Barankin, - Venka Smirnov yelled at me, - I'm not against you, I'm yelling for you! What am I trying to say, guys!.. I say: you can’t immediately call to the blackboard after the holidays. It is necessary that we first come to our senses after the holidays ...

Christine Nestlinger - "Down with the Cucumber King!"

“I didn’t think: it can’t be! I didn’t even think: well, the jester - you can die from laughter! Nothing came to my mind at all. Well, nothing! Huber Yo, my friend, says in such cases: closure in the convolutions! Perhaps the best thing I remember is how my dad said “no” three times. The first time is very loud. The second is normal and the third is barely audible.

Dad likes to say: "If I said no, then no." But now his "no" did not make the slightest impression. Not-that-pumpkin-not-that-cucumber continued to sit on the table as if nothing had happened. He folded his hands on his stomach and repeated: "King Kumi-Ori of the Undergrounding family!"

Grandpa was the first to come to his senses. He approached the Kumior king and curtseying, he said: “I am extremely flattered by our acquaintance. My name is Hogelman. In this house I will be a grandfather.”

Kumi-Ori extended his right hand forward and thrust it under his grandfather's nose. The grandfather looked at the thread-gloved pen, but did not understand what Kumi-Ori wanted.

Mom suggested that his arm hurts and a compress is needed. Mom always thinks that someone definitely needs either a compress, or pills, or, at worst, mustard plasters. But Kumi-Ori did not need a compress at all, and his hand was completely healthy. He waved his thread fingers in front of his grandfather’s nose and said: “We have inoculated that we have a whole watt of porridge apricots!”

Grandfather said, for nothing in the world he would kiss the august hand, he would allow himself this, at best, in relation to a charming lady, and Kumi-Ori is no lady, all the more charming.

Grigory Oster - “Bad advice. A book for naughty children and their parents

***

For example, in your pocket

Turned out to be a handful of sweets

And met you

Your true friends.

Don't be afraid and don't hide

Don't run away

Don't shove all the candy

Together with candy wrappers in the mouth.

Approach them calmly

extra words not talking,

Quickly taking it out of my pocket

Give them... a hand.

Shake their hands firmly

Say goodbye slowly

And turning around the first corner,

Rush home quickly.

To eat sweets at home,

Get under the bed

Because there, of course,

You won't meet anyone.

Astrid Lindgren - "The Adventures of Emil from Lenneberg"

The broth was very tasty, everyone took the addition as much as they wanted, and in the end only a few carrots and onions remained at the bottom of the tureen. This is what Emil decided to enjoy. Without thinking twice, he reached for the tureen, pulled it towards him and stuck his head into it. Everyone could hear him sucking thick with a whistle. When Emil licked the bottom almost dry, he naturally wanted to pull his head out of the tureen. But it was not there! The tureen tightly clasped his forehead, temples and the back of his head and was not removed. Emil was frightened and jumped up from his chair. He stood in the middle of the kitchen with a tureen on his head, as if wearing a knight's helmet. And the tureen slipped lower and lower. First, his eyes disappeared under it, then his nose and even his chin. Emil tried to free himself, but nothing came of it. The tureen seemed to be rooted to his head. Then he began to shout a good obscenity. And after him, with a fright, and Lina. Yes, and everyone was scared.

- Our beautiful tureen! - all insisted Lina. What am I going to serve soup in now?

And indeed, since Emil's head is stuck in the tureen, you can't pour soup into it. Lina understood this immediately. But mother was worried not so much about the beautiful tureen, but about Emil's head.

- Dear Anton, - Mom turned to dad, - how can we get the boy out of there? Shall I break the tureen?

- This is still not enough! exclaimed Emil's father. “I paid four crowns for her!”

Irina and Leonid Tyukhtyaev - "Zoki and Bada: a guide for children on parenting"

It was evening and everyone was at home. Seeing that papa was sitting on the sofa with a newspaper, Margarita said:

- Dad, let's play animals, and Yanka wants to come out too. Dad sighed, and Yang shouted: - Chur, I'm thinking!

- Dove again? Margarita asked him sternly.

"Yes," Yang was surprised.

“Now I am,” said Margarita. “I guessed, guess.

- Elephant ... lizard ... fly ... giraffe ... - began Jan, - dad, and the cow has a cow?

- So you will never guess, - dad could not stand it and put down the newspaper, - it should be different. Does he have legs?

- Yes, - my daughter smiled enigmatically.

- One? Two? Four? Six? Eight? Margarita shook her head negatively.

- Nine? Jan asked.

- More.

- Centipede. No? - Dad was surprised. - Then I give up, but keep in mind: the crocodile has four legs.

- Yes? - Margarita was confused. - And I thought of it.

- Dad, - the son asked, - but if a boa constrictor sits on a tree and suddenly notices a penguin?

“Now dad is thinking,” his sister stopped him.

“Only real animals, not fictional ones,” the son warned.

- What are the real ones? Dad asked.

- A dog, for example, - said the daughter, - and wolves and bears are only in fairy tales.

- Not! Yang shouted. “Yesterday I saw a wolf in the yard. Huge such, even two! Like this.” He held up his hands.

“Well, they were probably smaller,” dad smiled.

- But, you know how they barked!

“These are dogs,” Margarita laughed, “there are all kinds of dogs: a wolf dog, a bear dog, a fox dog, a sheep dog, even a pussy dog, such a small one.”

Mikhail Zoshchenko - "Lelya and Minka"

This year, guys, I turned forty years old. So, it turns out that I saw the Christmas tree forty times. It's a lot! Well, for the first three years of my life, I probably did not understand what a Christmas tree was. Probably, my mother endured me on her arms. And, probably, with my black little eyes I looked at the painted tree without interest.

And when I, children, hit five years old, I already perfectly understood what a Christmas tree is. And I was looking forward to this happy holiday. And even in the crack of the door I peeped how my mother decorates the Christmas tree.

And my sister Lele was seven years old at that time. And she was an exceptionally lively girl. She once told me: “Minka, my mother has gone to the kitchen. Let's go to the room where the tree stands and see what's going on there.

So my sister Lelya and I entered the room. And we see: very beautiful tree. And under the tree are gifts. And on the Christmas tree there are multi-colored beads, flags, lanterns, golden nuts, pastilles and Crimean apples.

My sister Lelya says: - We will not look at the gifts. Instead, let's just eat one lozenge each.

And now she comes up to the Christmas tree and instantly eats one lozenge hanging on a thread.

I say: - Lelya, if you ate a pastille, then I will also eat something now.

And I go up to the tree and bite off a small piece of an apple.

Lelya says: “Minka, if you bit off an apple, then I’ll eat another lozenge now and, in addition, I’ll take this candy for myself.”

And Lelya was a very tall, long-knit girl. And she could reach high. She stood on tiptoe and began to eat the second lozenge with her big mouth.

And I was amazing vertically challenged. And I could hardly get anything, except for one apple, which hung low.

I say: - If you, Lelisha, ate the second lozenge, then I will bite off this apple again.

And I again take this apple with my hands and bite it off a little again.

Lelya says: - If you have bitten off an apple for the second time, then I will no longer stand on ceremony and now I will eat the third lozenge and, in addition, I will take a cracker and a nut as a keepsake.

Then I almost cried. Because she could reach everything, but I can’t. ”

Paul Maar - "Seven Saturdays in a Week"

On Saturday morning Mr. Peppermint sat in his room and waited. What was he waiting for? He certainly could not have said this himself.

Why then did he wait? Now this is easier to explain. True, we will have to start the story from Monday itself.

And on Monday there was a sudden knock on the door of Mr. Peppermint's room. Sticking her head through the crack, Mrs. Bruckmann announced:

- Mister Pepperfint, you have a guest! Just make sure that he does not smoke in the room: this will ruin the curtains! Let him not sit on the bed! Why did I give you a chair, what do you think?

Mrs. Bruckman was the mistress of the house where Mr. Peppermint rented a room. When she was angry, she always called him "Pepperfint". And now the hostess was angry because a guest had come to him.

The visitor pushed through the door that same Monday by the landlady turned out to be Mr. Peppermint's school friend. His last name was Pone delcus. As a gift to his friend, he brought a whole bag of delicious donuts.

After Monday it was Tuesday, and on this day the master's nephew came to Mr. Peppermint - to ask how to solve a problem in mathematics. The owner's nephew was lazy and repeating. Mr. Peppermint was not at all surprised by his visit.

Wednesday, as always, came in the middle of the week. And this, of course, did not surprise Mr. Peppermint.

On Thursday, in a nearby cinema, they unexpectedly showed New film: "Four against the cardinal." This is where Mr. Peppermint got a little wary.

Friday came. On this day, the reputation of the company where Mr. Peppermint served was stained: the office was closed all day, and customers were indignant.

Eno Raud - "Muff, Half Shoes and Moss Beard"

One day, three naxitralls met by chance at an ice cream stand: Mossbeard, Halfboot, and Muff. They were all so small that the ice-cream lady mistook them for gnomes at first. Each of them had other interesting features. Moss Beard has a beard of soft moss, in which, although last year's, but still beautiful lingonberries grew. The half-boot was shod in boots with cut off toes: it was more convenient to move the toes this way. And Mufta, instead of ordinary clothes, wore a thick muff, from which only the crown and heels protruded.

They ate ice cream and looked at each other with great curiosity.

"Excuse me," Muft said at last. - Perhaps, of course, I'm wrong, but it seems to me that we have something in common.

“So it seemed to me,” Polbootka nodded.

Mossbeard plucked a few berries from his beard and handed them to his new acquaintances.

- Sour ice cream is good.

- I'm afraid to seem intrusive, but it would be nice to get together some other time, - said Mufta. - We would cook cocoa, talk about this and that.

“That would be wonderful,” Polbootka rejoiced. - I would gladly invite you to my place, but I have no home. Since childhood, I have traveled the world.

"Just like me," said Mossbeard.

- Wow, what a coincidence! Muft exclaimed. - Exactly the same story with me. So we are all travelers.

He tossed the ice cream slip into the dustbin and zipped up the muff. His clutch had such a property: to fasten and unfasten with the help of a "lightning". Meanwhile, the others finished their ice cream.

- Do not you think that we could unite? - said Polbotinka.

- Traveling together is much more fun.

“Of course,” Mossbeard agreed happily.

“Brilliant thought,” Mufta beamed. - Simply magnificent!

"So it's settled," said Polbootka. “Why don’t we have another ice cream each before we unite?”

Great time - childhood! Carelessness, pranks, games, eternal "why" and, of course, funny stories from the life of children - funny, memorable, making you smile involuntarily.

publicly warned

One mother of a beautiful six-year-old son often has no one to leave her not always obedient child at home with. Therefore, sometimes she takes the baby with her to work (to the exhibition). On one of these days, the driver calls my mother and asks to pick up some booklets from the checkpoint. She leaves, and strictly punishes her son to sit still and not go anywhere. In general, it takes certain time. And so… Approaching her lady, she sees a bunch of people who laugh and take pictures of something on the stand. The son is not there! But there is an A-4 sheet attached to the stand, on which it is written in large letters: “I'll be there soon. What am I!”

This same mom once asked dad to play with her son while she cooks dinner. After a while, he hears a aching voice from the room: “Dad, I’m tired ... Can I go play?” Looking into the room, he sees such a picture: dad lying on the sofa, and his son in full uniform (helmet, cloak, sword), marching back and forth along the sofa. To the question: "What is it?" - the son replies: “My dad and I play the King of the sofa!” Like this funny story about children can not only but also make you plunge headlong into your own memories.

Shh! Dad is sleeping

And here is another funny story about children from life. One mother left a three-year-old child with her father for just a couple of hours. He comes and sees such a picture: dad is sleeping sweetly on the sofa, on both hands he is wearing a toy from (a bunny and a fox). The child covered him from above with his small blanket, placed a high chair next to it, a cup of juice on it, and a mandatory attribute - a pot next to the sofa. He closed the door and himself sits quietly in the corridor, and when his mother comes in, he shows: “Shh! Dad is sleeping there.

The child watched the fairy tale about Scheherazade and was impressed by such magic movie says to his beloved grandmother, who is wearing an oriental-colored dressing gown: “Grandma, are you a Scheher butt?”

The baby does not eat well, and almost the whole family gathers to feed him. And everyone persuades the capricious boy to eat at least a spoonful. And even grandfather says: “You, granddaughters, don’t worry! I didn’t eat well as a child, so my mother scolded me for it and even beat me.” To such a sincere confession, the granddaughter replies: “That’s what I’m looking at, grandfather, that you have all false teeth ...”

Kitty Kitty Kitty

And this is a funny story about children from real life. One grandmother, in the past the head of the section, who at work and at home was not shy in expressions, for a certain period was engaged in raising her grandson. One fine day, this couple went to the store, where the grandmother had to stand in a long line. This occupation seemed boring to the grandson, and he decided to make friends with the shop cat:

Kitty! Kitty, kitty, come here.

The cat, apparently, was not interested in these tendernesses, and he hid under the counter. But the boy is stubborn! Persistent boy! Now, by all means, he needs to get the cat:

Kitty, kitty-kitty, come to me, my good one.

The animal has zero reaction.

Kitty, ...fuck, come here to..., I said, - continued the childish boyish voice. The queue fell with laughter, and the grandmother, grabbing her grandson under her arm, quickly retreated. And it seems like she even stopped using swear words.

About home canning

Mom and son salted and sorted out the broken ones. She threw them down the toilet. Between her and the child who came out of the toilet, the following dialogue took place:

Mom, stop salting the mushrooms!

How is it?

Because you constantly taste them for salt.

And what of it?

So you already poop them! I myself saw them floating in the toilet.

Once upon a time there was Little Red Riding Hood...

And this funny story is about children, or rather, about the child of one busy daddy, who recently had a chance to put his son to bed. And the kid ordered daddy to tell him an interesting fairy tale for the night, namely his favorite - about Little Red Riding Hood.

Once upon a time there was a little girl in the world, and her name was Little Red Riding Hood, - dad began his story, who came home from work very tired.

She went to visit her beloved grandmother, - he continued already half asleep, unable to fight sleep himself.

He woke up because his son was indignantly pushing him in the side:

Dad! What were the police doing there and who was Yuri Gagarin?

Where is the child?

A funny story about children from real life about how a negligent father forgot a child on a walk. And it was like that. He somehow showed initiative and proudly offered his candidacy for a walk with a five-month-old daughter on the street. Mom, knowing his irresponsibility, said to walk near the house. After an hour and a half, the joyful dad returns, though alone. Mom almost turned gray when she didn’t see the stroller with the baby. And he, it turns out, met a friend, and since he smoked, they stepped aside so that the child would not breathe smoke. Yes, and dad forgot while talking about the child. So I came home. I had to urgently run to that place; it's good that everything worked out.

Here is a funny story about children in kindergarten. Dad came to the nursery for the first time to pick up the child. The children were still sleeping at that moment, and the teacher, busy with something, asked the father to dress his child on his own, only quietly so as not to wake the sleeping babies. In general, the picture before her mother appeared like this: her beloved daughter in boyish pants, a shirt and other people's slippers. All weekend, the shocked woman imagined the poor boy, who, due to the circumstances, had to wear a pink dress. And all because dad mixed up the chair with clothes.

Funny stories about little kids

A 4-year-old daughter resorts to her mother with the question of whether she will be an apple.

Of course, - says the satisfied mom, - did you wash them?

Only then did my mother realize that the only place where her daughter could wash the fruit was the toilet, because only there did the baby get it.

Funny stories from the life of children are found at every step, and even in the central department store, where one day a mother was walking with her 4-year-old son. They pass by the department for the newlyweds.

Mom, - says the baby, - let's buy you such a beautiful white dress.

What are you, son! This is a dress for a bride who is getting married.

And you will come out, don't worry, - the boy reassures.

So I'm already married, son.

Yes? - the kid is surprised. “Who did you marry and didn’t tell me?”

So it's your dad!

Well, it's good that and not some unfamiliar uncle, - calming down, the boy said.

Mom buy a phone

5-year-old son asks his mother to buy him a mobile phone.

Why do you need him? - Mom is interested.

I really need it, - the boy answers.

Yes, but still? Why do you need a phone? - asks the parent.

So you and the teacher Maria Ivanovna always scold me for not eating well in kindergarten. And so I will call you and tell you to give cutlets.

No less funny story about children. This time we will remember the conversation of a 4-year-old kid with his grandmother.

Grandmother, please give birth to a baby, otherwise I have no one to play with. Mom and dad have no time.

So how do I give birth? I won’t be able to give birth to anyone anymore,” my grandmother replies.

BUT! I understand, - guessed Roma. - You're a male! I saw the program on TV.

On the track...

Funny stories from the life of children always return to childhood - easy, carefree and so naive!

Before leaving home, the teacher Elena Andreevna says to the 3-year-old boy:

We go outside, we will walk there and wait for mom. So go down the path to the toilet.

The boy left and disappeared. The teacher, without waiting for the baby, went in search of him. Going out into the corridor, he sees the following picture: between the two stands a confused boy with an expression of utter bewilderment on his face and says:

Elena Andreevna, did you say which path to go to the toilet: blue or red?

Here is such a funny story about children.

Motherland is calling!

Funny stories from the life of children at school also amaze with the unpredictability of students, their antics and resourcefulness. In one class there was a boy named Rodin. His mother was a teacher at the same school. Once she asked one schoolboy to call her son from the lesson. He flies into the classroom and shouts:

Motherland is calling!

The first reaction of students and teachers is numbness, misunderstanding, fear...

After the words: “Rodin, come out, your mother is calling you,” the class fell under their desks with laughter.

In one school, a teacher dictated to elementary school students an essay based on Prishvin's work. The meaning was how hard the life of a hare in the forest is, how everyone offends him, how he has to get his own food in the cold winter. Somehow the animal found a rowan bush in the forest and began to eat berries. Literally, the last phrase of the dictation sounded like this: "The fluffy animal is full."

In the evening, the teacher just sobbed over the essays. Literally all the students wrote the word "full" with two letters "s".

In another school, one student constantly wrote the word "walk" through "o" ("shol"). The teacher got tired of correcting his mistakes all the time, and after the lessons she made the student write the word “walked” on the blackboard a hundred times. The boy did an excellent job with the task, and at the end he wrote: “I left.”

V. Golyavkin

How we climbed into the pipe
A huge chimney was lying in the yard, and Vovka and I sat on it. We sat on this pipe, and then I said:

Let's climb into the pipe. We go in one end and we go out the other. Who gets out the fastest.

Vovka said:

And suddenly we'll suffocate there.

There are two windows in the chimney, I said, just like in a room. Are you breathing in the room?

Vovka said:

What kind of room is this? Since it's a pipe. - He always argues.

I climbed first, and Vovka counted. He counted to thirteen when I got out.

Come on, I, - said Vovka.

He climbed into the pipe, and I counted. I counted to sixteen.

You think fast, - he said, - come on! And he again climbed into the pipe.

I counted to fifteen.

It’s not stuffy at all, he said, it’s very cool there.

Then Petka Yashchikov approached us.

And we, - I say, - are climbing into the pipe! I got out on the account of thirteen, and he on fifteen.

Come on, I, - said Petya.

And he also climbed into the pipe.

He got out at eighteen.

We started laughing.

He climbed again.

He came out very sweaty.

Well, how? - he asked.

Sorry, I said, we didn't count now.

What does it mean that I crawled for nothing? He was offended, but climbed again.

I counted to sixteen.

Well, - he said, - gradually it will turn out! - And he climbed into the pipe again. This time he crawled there for a long time. Nearly twenty. He got angry, wanted to climb again, but I said:

Let others climb, - he pushed him away and climbed himself. I stuffed myself with a bump and crawled for a long time. I was very hurt.

I got out at thirty.

We thought you were gone,” Petya said.

Then Vovka climbed. I have already counted to forty, but he still does not get out. I look into the pipe - it's dark there. And there is no other end in sight.

Suddenly he gets out. From the end you entered. But he got out head first. Not with legs. That's what surprised us!

Wow, - says Vovka, - I almost got stuck. How did you turn around there?

With difficulty, - says Vovka, - I almost got stuck.

We were very surprised!

Mishka Menshikov came up here.

What are you doing here, he says?

Yes, - I say - we climb into the pipe. Do you want to climb?

No, he says, I don't want to. Why should I go there?

And we, - I say, - climb there.

You can see it, he says.

What is visible?

What did you climb there.

We look at each other. And really visible. We are all as it is in the red rust. Everything seems to be rusty. Just horror!

Well, I went, - says Mishka Menshikov. And he went.

And we didn’t climb into the pipe anymore. Although we were all rusty. We already had it anyway. It was possible to fly. But we still didn't climb.

Annoying Misha

Misha learned two poems by heart, and there was no peace from him. He climbed onto stools, sofas, even tables, and, shaking his head, immediately began to read one poem after another.

Once he went to the Christmas tree to the girl Masha, without taking off his coat, climbed into a chair and began to read one poem after another.

Masha even told him: "Misha, you're not an artist!"

But he did not hear, read everything to the end, got down from his chair and was so pleased that it was even surprising!

And in the summer he went to the village. Grandmother had a big stump in her garden. Misha climbed onto a stump and began to read one poem after another to his grandmother.

One must think how tired he was of his grandmother!

Then the grandmother took Misha to the forest. And there was clearing in the forest. And then Misha saw so many stumps that his eyes ran wide.

What stump to stand on?

He got really lost!

And so his grandmother brought him back, so bewildered. And since then he did not read poems, unless he was asked.

Prize

We made original costumes - no one else will have them! I will be a horse, and Vovka a knight. The only bad thing is that he should ride me and not me on him. And all because I'm a little younger. See what happens! But nothing can be done. True, we agreed with him: he will not ride me all the time. He rides me a little, and then he gets down and leads me behind him, like horses are led by the bridle.

And so we went to the carnival.

They came to the club in ordinary suits, and then changed clothes and went out into the hall. I mean, we moved in. I crawled on all fours. And Vovka was sitting on my back. True, Vovka helped me to touch the floor with his feet. But it still wasn't easy for me.

Besides, I didn't see anything. I was wearing a horse mask. I couldn't see anything at all, even though there were holes in the mask for the eyes. But they were somewhere on the forehead. I crawled in the dark. Bumped into someone's legs. I ran into the convoy twice. Yes, what to say! Sometimes I shook my head, then the mask would come off and I would see the light. But for a moment. And then it's all dark again. I couldn't shake my head all the time!

I saw the light for a moment. But Vovka saw nothing at all. And he kept asking me what was ahead. And asked to crawl more carefully. And so I crawled carefully. I didn't see anything myself. How could I know what was ahead! Someone stepped on my arm. I stopped right now. And he refused to move on. I told Vovka:

Enough. Get off.

Vovka probably liked the ride, and he did not want to get off. He said that it was too early. But still he got down, took me by the bridle, and I crawled on. Now it was easier for me to crawl, although I still could not see anything. I offered to take off the masks and take a look at the carnival, and then put on the masks again. But Vovka said:

Then we will be recognized.

Must be fun here, I said. We just don't see anything...

But Vovka walked in silence. He firmly decided to endure to the end and get the first prize. My knees hurt. I said:

I will now sit on the floor.

Can horses sit? Vovka said. You are crazy! You are a horse!

I'm not a horse, I said. - You're a horse.

No, you are a horse, - answered Vovka. - And you know perfectly well that you are a horse, We will not receive an award.

So be it, I said. - I'm tired.

Don't do stupid things, - said Vovka. - Be patient.

I crawled up to the wall, leaned against it and sat on the floor.

You sit? - asked Vovka.

I'm sitting, I said.

Well, okay, - agreed Vovka. - You can still sit on the floor. Just be careful not to sit on a chair. Then everything was gone. Do you understand? A horse - and suddenly on a chair! ..

Music blared all around, laughing.

I asked:

Will it end soon?

Be patient, - said Vovka, - probably soon ... Vovka also could not stand it. Sat on the sofa. I sat next to him. Then Vovka fell asleep on the couch. And I fell asleep too. Then they woke us up and gave us a bonus.

We play Antarctica

Mom left home somewhere. And we were left alone. And we got bored. We flipped the table. They pulled a blanket over the legs of the table. And it turned out to be a tent. It's like we're in Antarctica. Where our dad is now.

Vitka and I climbed into the tent.

We were very pleased that here Vitka and I were sitting In a tent, although not in Antarctica, but as if in Antarctica, and around us there was ice and wind. But we got tired of sitting in a tent.

Vitka said:

Winterers do not sit like this all the time in a tent. They must be doing something.

Surely, - I said, - they catch whales, seals and something else. Of course they don't sit like that all the time!

Suddenly I saw our cat. I shouted:

Here is a seal!

Hooray! Vitka shouted. - Grab him! He also saw a cat.

The cat was walking towards us. Then she stopped. She looked at us carefully. And she ran back. She didn't want to be a seal. She wanted to be a cat. I understood it right away. But what could we do! There was nothing we could do. We need to catch someone! I ran, stumbled, fell, got up, but the cat was nowhere to be found.

She's here! - yelled Vitka. - Run here!

Vitka's legs stuck out from under the bed.

I crawled under the bed. It was dark and dusty in there. But the cat was not there.

I'm getting out, I said. - There is no cat here.

Here she is, - Vitka argued. - I saw her run here.

I got out all dusty and began to sneeze. Vitka kept fiddling under the bed.

She is there, - Vitka repeated.

So be it, I said. - I won't go there. I sat there for an hour. I'm over it.

Think! Vitka said. - And I?! I climb here more than you.

Finally Vitka also got out.

There she is! I shouted. The cat was sitting on the bed.

I almost grabbed her by the tail, but Vitka pushed me, the cat jumped - and onto the closet! Try to get it out of the closet!

What a seal, I said. - Can a seal sit on a closet?

Let it be a penguin, - said Vitka. - As if he were sitting on an ice floe. Let's whistle and shout. He then gets scared. And jump from the closet. This time we will capture the penguin.

We began to yell and whistle with all our might. I really can't whistle. Only Vitka whistled. But I yelled at the top of my lungs. Almost hoarse.

The penguin doesn't seem to hear. A very smart penguin. He lurks there and sits.

Come on, - I say, - let's throw something at him. Well, at least throw a pillow.

We threw a pillow on the wardrobe. The cat didn't jump out.

Then we threw three more pillows on the closet, mother's coat, all mother's dresses, father's skis, a saucepan, father's and mother's slippers, many books and much more. The cat didn't jump out.

Maybe it's not in the closet? - I said.

There she is, - said Vitka.

How is it there, since it is not there?

Don't know! Vitka says.

Vitka brought a basin of water and placed it by the cupboard. If the cat decides to jump from the closet, let it jump right into the pelvis. Penguins love to dive into the water.

We left something else on the closet. Wait - will it jump? Then they put a table up to the closet, a chair on the table, a suitcase on the chair, and climbed onto the closet.

And there is no cat.

The cat is gone. It is not known where.

Vitka began to get down from the closet and flopped right into the basin. Water spilled all over the room.

This is where mom comes in. And behind her is our cat. She apparently jumped into the window.

Mom threw up her hands and said:

What's going on here?

Vitka remained sitting in the pelvis. Before that I was scared.

How amazing, says Mom, that you can't leave them alone for a minute. You need to do this!

Of course, we had to clean everything ourselves. And even wash the floor. And the cat importantly walked around. And she looked at us with such a look, as if she was going to say: "Here, you will know that I am a cat. And not a seal and not a penguin."

A month later, our dad arrived. He told us about Antarctica, about brave polar explorers, about their great job, and it was very funny to us that we thought that the only thing that winterers do is to catch various whales and seals there ...

But we didn't tell anyone what we thought.
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Copyright: Golyavkin, stories for children