Short jokes about children - very funny to tears about children and parents. Cool and funny jokes about children and for children

Dad and daughter eat cabbage salad together for lunch. Dad tells his daughter his remark:
- You see, Ksyusha, we eat cabbage like two goats?
- I don't know, dad. There is only one goat here, and personally I am a hare.

A computer specialist is asked at work:
- Tell me, do you have children?
Yes, I have two sons! he answered quickly.
- How old are they?
The computer scientist thought:
- Well, one is already playing on the computer, and the second one is still not reaching the keyboard.

While walking with her son, the mother met a familiar aunt, she was delighted with the child and gave him a candy. The boy quickly grabbed it, unwrapped it and ate it silently. To this reaction, his mother says to him:
- Dima, what should I say to my aunt?
- Give me one more! - boldly answered the boy.

Grandmother went with her granddaughter to the park, there was a violinist's concert in the summer theater. Without hesitation, to introduce the granddaughter to musical art, she sat her on a bench and they began to listen. The girl obviously did not like the musician. She fidgeted for a long time on the bench and finally asked:
- Grandma, when the uncle finally cuts his box, will we go home?

During an indoor ball game, the children broke a window. The teacher explains:
- I ask, who broke the window?
(silence in response)
- I ask again, who broke the window?
(Children are silent)
- I ask for the third time: who broke the window with the ball ???
One boy hesitated and said:
- Come on, Svetlana Anatolyevna, ask for the fourth time!

The class teacher asks the children:
- Children, do you know what kind of birds do not nest?
Vovochka raises his hand. The teacher asks him to answer:
- Cuckoo! - Vovochka answers.
- Correctly! Do you know why? the teacher asks.
- Yes! Because she is sitting in the clock!

Cheburashka wanted to watch a movie. He came to the cinema, chose the movie he liked and asked the cashier:
- Tell me, how much is a ticket for that movie?
- Ten rubles. the cashier replied.
- But I only have five. (Cheburashka sighed) Can I see it with one eye for five rubles?

Svetka notices a few snow-white hairs on her mother’s head and asks:
- Mommy, what is it?
- It's gray hair. Mom answers.
- Why did you have them?
“That’s because you don’t listen to me,” Mom replied.
The girl thought for a moment and said with a smirk:
- So that's why my grandmother has a full gray head!

Ira's mother fell ill, she decided to help her and went to a neighbor:
- Aunt, Zina, please tell me you have raspberry jam! My mom has a cold.
- There are a few, Irochka. Where do you pour it?
- No need to pour. I'll eat it right here! - answered the girl.

Mom comes tired from work. She has three children and she asks each of them:
- Sashenka, what have you done for the house today useful?
- I washed the dishes, mommy! - answered the boy.
- Well done, son, here's a chocolate candy for you. (mother encourages son)
- Mashenka, what did you do useful for the house today?
- I washed the dishes. - answered the girl.
- Well done, daughter, here's a chocolate candy for you! (mother encourages daughter)
- Igorek, what did you do usefully? - Mom asks the youngest.
- And I, Mommy, collected all the pieces from the floor and took out the trash. Igor replied.

What did the adult elephant say when he accidentally stepped on the bun? - Crap! (correct answer)

Two friends are sitting on a bench in the garden and talking. One chews a bun, and the second asks him:
- Dimka, give me a bun to bite!
- It's not a bun, it's a pie!
- Well, then let me bite the pie!
- This is not a pie, this is a cheesecake!
- Well, then let me bite the cheesecake!
- You yourself do not know what you want, decide first!

Children in the kindergarten show off their virtues:
Mashenka: And I have my mother's eyes!
Stasik: And I have a father's character!
Cyril: And I have a grandfather's nose!
Natasha: And I have a grandmother's smile!
Vovochka: And I have brother's tights!

A little grandson asks his grandfather:
- Grandfather, tell me, is it true that you were born in the forest?
- Of course not. Why do you think so? (asks grandfather)
- Yes, just every time you come, dad says: “the old stump has come again!”

A mother asks her son:
- Sashenka, yesterday there were two pieces of cake left on the table. Now there is only one, why?
“It’s just that I didn’t notice the second piece in the dark,” Sashenka answered.

Today my son (6 years old) came up and said:
- Life has no meaning.
I ask:
- Why?
Answer:
- Teeth fell out ... Who needs me now?

Mom, give me twenty rubles, I'll give them to that poor grandfather!
- You are my smart girl! Where is grandpa?
- And over there, sells ice cream!

Which river is longer: the Mississippi or the Volga? - the teacher asks Vovochka.
- Of course Mississippi!
- And do you know how much?
- For as many as four letters!

The father asks the children:
- Who ate the apple?
Vovochka:
- I do not know!
- Will you still?
- Will!

The geography teacher asked Bora if he knew anything about the Panama Canal.
- No, - the student answers, - there is no such channel on our TV.

A radio was put into the house of one grandmother. At six o'clock in the morning, it spoke for the first time:
— Good morning!
Grandma jumped out of bed:
- Good health! Where are you going so early?

- Well, son, show the diary. What did you bring from school today?
- Yes, there is nothing to show, there is only one deuce.
- Just one?
— Don't worry, dad, I'll bring more tomorrow!

Hello, is this 333-33-33?
- Yes.
- Dial, please " ambulance”, otherwise my finger was stuck in the phone.

A Chukchi is walking along the road, and they ask him:
- Chukchi, where are you going?
- Do an injection, however
- To the clinic?
-No in the ass, however

Somehow I bought a new Russian designer<Лего>and boasts to his friend:
— Hey, Vovan, look at this garbage, what is written:<От 2-х до 4-х лет>. So I collected it in two months.

Little girl talking to her father
- Dad, I dreamed today that you gave me a small chocolate bar.
- If you obey, you will dream that you gave a big one.

“Mommy, can I go for a walk?”
— With dirty ears?
No, with friends.

Chemistry lesson:
- Tell me, Vovochka, what substances do not dissolve in water?
Vovochka without hesitation:
-Fish!

Cannibals caught a tourist. They lit a fire, put a vat of water and asked:
- How your name?
“What difference does it make to you, eat anyway!”
— What is it, but for the menu?!

Somehow Cheburashka comes up to Gena and says:
- Gena, Shapoklyak gave us 10 oranges on February 23, 8 each.
- How is it 8, if there are 10 of them?
— I don’t know, but I already ate my 8!

A little girl asks her grandfather:
- Grandpa, what are these berries?
- It's blackcurrant.
- Why is she red?
Because it's still green.

Piglet, do you know your family tree?
- Yeah. Here my grandfather (sighs) was a chop. Father was (proudly) a barbecue...
- And who do you dream of becoming?
- And I (looks at the sky and is so sad ...) an astronaut.
- Why is it so sad?
- Yes, I'm afraid I won't fit into the tube ...

The uncle came to the doctor and said:
“Doctor, I have ringing in my ears.
- And you do not answer them, do not pick up the phone!

Teacher:
- Guys, tell me, what number is the word "trousers": singular or plural?
Student:
- Above - the only, and below - the plural.

One student decided to play a trick on another. Painted the chair.
The second one comes in and says right from the threshold:
Kolyan, I...
First to him:
- Yes, you sit down first, - and points to a chair.
And this one again:
Kolyan, I wanted to tell you...
The first:
- Yes, you sit down, do not be shy.
The second sat down. The first giggles:
- Well, now speak.
- Kolyan, I just wanted to say that I put on your jeans.

Grandpa sleeps in a chair, whistling loudly with his nose. The little granddaughter twirls a button on his jacket.
- What are you doing? Grandma asks.
— I want to catch another program!

The plane landed at the airport. Passengers get off the ladder.
One man's pants fall off, he pulls them up and says:
-This is Aeroflot: then fasten the belt, then unfasten ...

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because she has fat fingers.

A five-year-old boy came to the phone.
-Yes.
-Call your mom or dad.
-They're not home.
- Is there anyone else?
- Yes, my sister.
-Call her, please.
After a while, the boy picked up the phone again:
- She's too heavy. I can't get her out of the stroller!

Five year old son asks:
-Daddy, do you know how long one tube of pasta lasts?
-No.
-On the entire entrance hall, living room and half of the loggia ...

Two flies come out of the bar.
One says: “Well, shall we go on foot or wait for the dog?”

Somehow a hedgehog fell into a hole, he couldn’t get out and thought: “If I don’t get out in 5 minutes, I’ll go home for the stairs.”

Gene, be careful here steps-stumps-stumps.
-Thank you Cherim-burum-burashka.

Washed wallpapers are, of course, a good thing. But how hard
I had to tear them off to stuff them into the washing machine.

A woman asks for a glass of sparkling water:
- Glass of water.
— With syrup?
- Without.
— No cherry or no apple?

A guy and a girl are walking around the city and pass by a restaurant. Girl says:
- Oh, how delicious it smells!
- Did you like it? Do you want to go through again?

A girl comes to dairy store. Puts, then, a can on the scales:
- Me, sour cream.
Saleswoman, plop her sour cream into a can.
-Here's a girl, you have sour cream. Where is the money?
-In a can

“Boy, how old are you?”
- Five.
“And you are no taller than my umbrella…”
- How old is your umbrella?

After dinner, the mother goes to the kitchen, and the daughter shouts after her:
— No, Mom, I don't want you to wash the dishes on your birthday. Leave it for tomorrow.

A boy watches a movie on TV about a boy whom everyone loved and says:
- If you wash me, I will be the same!

Mom says to son
Is that how they read a book, son? You're skipping a few pages.
“And this book is about spies. I want to catch them soon.

At the boat rental station, the chief shouts into a bullhorn:
- Boat number 99! Return to the shore - your time is up!
Five minutes later:
- Boat number 99, return immediately!
Five minutes later:
- Boat number 99! If you don't come back, we'll fine you!
An assistant approaches the boss:
- Ivan Ivanovich! After all, we have only 73 boats, where did the 99th come from?
The chief freezes for a moment, and then rushes to the shore:
- Boat number 66! Are you in some sort of trouble?

Gave Piglet to Winnie the Pooh for his birthday cellular telephone
-Here's a present for you - a cell phone!
-Thank you buddy!
The next day, Winnie the Pooh meets Piglet
What did you give me for my birthday yesterday?
-Choothy phone...
-I was picking for 3 hours yesterday, the phone broke the weight, there are no honeycombs, no honey

Mom says to the girl:
- If you do not eat semolina, I will call Baba Yaga.
"Mom, do you really think she'll eat it?"

- Doctor, you forbade me to eat at night, so I caught a cold!
- What is the connection?
- Well, of course - I stood all night at the refrigerator, looking at the chicken, so I was blown away!

Granddaughters and grandfather are sitting by the window... the granddaughter is babbling. Grandpa look!!!
crow, two crows, three crows... the whole Voronezh!!!.

Two Chukchi are sitting, breaking a bomb. A man passes by.
"Hey, what are you doing, she's going to explode!" — “However, nothing, we have another one!”

A Georgian is drowning in the sea and has forgotten the Russian word “save”, shouting:
- I'm swimming for Easter!

Winnie says to Piglet.
- Hey, Vinnie, I know what will happen to you when you grow up!
- Did you read my horoscope? - Nope, the book "On Tasty and Healthy Food"!

The host - to the guest: - Shine light on the steps for you? - No, thanks, I'm already lying downstairs.

In the middle of the lesson, Little Johnny comes into the classroom with a bandaged head.
Irritated teacher: - Well, what happened this time? - Fell from the fifth floor.
- And what, flew for two whole lessons?

Seller: These Wall Clock go two weeks without factory.
- Yes you?! What if you start them?

The son says to his mother: - I won't go to school anymore.
- Why?
- Oh, her, this school. Again Kuznetsov will hit the head with a textbook, Vasiliev will start aiming with a slingshot, and Voronin will trip. Will not go.
“No, son, you must go to school,” says the mother. - Firstly, you are already an adult, you are forty years old, and secondly, you are the director of the school ....

The son comes home and boasts to his father:
- Dad, and I translated the old woman across the road! Dad:
- Well done! Here's some candy for you. The next day, the son comes with a friend:
- Dad, and my friend and I moved the old woman across the road! Dad:
- Well done! Here's some candy for you. The next day, the son brings his entire class:
- Dad, and with the whole class we transferred the old woman across the road!
- Why are there so many of you?
But she resisted...

Maxim why does dad do all the lessons for you? - Well, what should I do if my mother has no time! ...

A first grader comes to the school supply store and asks: - Aunty, do you have glue for the 1st grade? - No, boy. - A notebook in a circle? - In what other circle? Also no. Behind the citizen speaks angrily.
- Boy, don't fool the seller and don't take people's time. Girl, show me the globe of Ukraine….

At the lesson of the world around: Teacher:
- Vovochka when is the most best time to pick apples? Vovochka: -When the dog is tied ....

The son comes from school, says to his father: - Dad, they call you to school. - What have you done? Yes, the glass is broken. The father went. A few days later, the son says again: - Dad, they call you back to school. - What is it this time? - Yes, the chemical office blew up. The father went. A few days later, the son again says to his father: - Dad, they call you back to school. - That's it, I'm not going, I'm tired. - Well, that’s right, there’s nothing for you to wander around the ruins ......

Mother wakes up her son at school: - Did you do the lessons? -Not. -What are you doing then? -The less you know the better you sleep!!!…

The son comes home with a deuce.
- Dad, don't worry!
- Okay, just don't be offended!

Teacher - student:
- When's your birthday?
- October 5th.
- Which year?
- Everyone.

There is an arithmetic lesson in the first grade. The teacher asks:
- Syoma, how much should your mother pay for two kilograms of apples, if one kilogram costs five rubles?
- I dont know. My mom always trades like this!..

Why weren't you at school yesterday?
- My sister got married.
"Okay, just make sure it doesn't happen again!"

- Do you like going to school?
— Yes, only these hours between walking are the most disgusting.

The parish physician was part-time Sunday school teacher.
He asks the little boy:
“Tell me, my young friend, what must we do to get to heaven?”
“Die,” the boy replies.
"That's right, but what should we do before that?"
- Call the doctor!

A mathematics professor reads a book to his little son at night.
Baby, sigh
- Pa-a-ap! Yes, it's boring! I would go straight to the episode where the multiple Riemann integral is tested against the Darboux criterion...

It's hard to believe that there is even one person without a sense of humor - another thing if we talk about how subtle it is in some faces. Humor covers all areas of activity of people.

We joke about literally everything. what we see and what is happening to us, joking about representatives certain professions and nationalities, about relatives and friends, laugh at ourselves and situations into which we fall.

The main themes of jokes loved by all children are:

• fairy tales and fairy tale characters;
• friends, brothers and sisters;
• school, study;
• animals;
• holidays.

jokes It's an energy boost for the whole day. Perhaps the most harmless funny jokes associated with children, they will make adults and children laugh to tears. And since the main occupation of children is study, that's all funniest kids jokes related to school, students and teachers. Everyone can cheer up themselves and their friends by enlisting a couple of dozen short jokes about school. Here you can find:

• children's jokes about school;
• the most funny jokes about Vovochka;
• the latest school jokes.

Children's jokes about school

Parents ask first-graders:

— Well, how do you like the first day? Did you enjoy school?

- The first? Don't tell me I'm going there again tomorrow!

— Sasha, name me at least one transparent object.

"Keyhole, Marya Ivanovna!"

After the anatomy lesson.

- Heard that Vitya got a deuce for the control!

- Why?

- For a cheat sheet. The teacher caught him while he was counting his ribs.

— Doctor, my child has strabismus.

Is it innate in him?

- No, from cheating.

- How much will it be if they give you one kitten, plus two kittens and four more kittens?

- Nine.

- Listen carefully! They gave you one kitten, then two kittens and four more. How many?

- Nine.

- Then it's different! I give you one watermelon, then two and four more watermelons! How?

- Eight!

- Here you go! And the kitten, plus two, plus four? How many?

- Nine!

— Yes, why?

— Because I already have one kitten!

- Mom, dad, we wrote at school today!

- Well, read what you wrote?

The son complains to his mother:

I don't want to go to school anymore!

- Why?

- Again Vasechkin will trip, and Ivanov will shoot at me with a slingshot, and Sidorov will throw a textbook at me!

“No, son, you need to go to school,” Mom says. - Firstly, you are already 50 years old, and secondly, you are the principal of the school.

- Daddy, and today at school the doctors gave us a vaccination!

“Well done, daughter, you didn’t cry, did you?”

No, they didn't catch up with me.

— To make them think that they have a holiday.

— Little Johnny what do you imagine best school?

- Closed!

The teacher asks:

- Children, do you know that all substances tend to expand in heat, and shrink in cold?

- Of course! Vovochka says. Therefore, the winter holidays are shorter than the summer ones.

- Sit down Ivanov, five! Come on diary.

- I forgot it.

- Take mine! - Vovochka whispers.

- Children, what order does the spectacled snake belong to?

- To the detachment of myopic!

“Vovochka, why are you so pale today?”

“My mother washed me yesterday.

Vovochka was late for school. The teacher asks him:

What happened, why so late?

- A bandit attacked me!

- Oh God! And what did he do?

- Took homework...

The girl complains to her parents:

- How can I get rid of this Vovochka? No more strength!

Why didn't he please you? Won briefcase after school helps to carry.

- Yes, I'm tired: I have already accumulated about fifty of them!

The latest school jokes

On the control, the teacher closely monitors the students and sometimes kicks out those who have noticed spurs. The principal looks into the classroom.

Are you writing a control? There are probably a lot of cheaters out there.

- No, amateurs are already in the corridor, only professionals are left.

Anatomy teacher:

What teeth are the last to appear in humans?

- Plug-in.

What time is it: I jump, you jump, he jumps, they jump?

- Turn!

- Do you know what is the worst thing for an excellent student?

— Get a deuce?

- No, learn a lesson and not have time to answer.

There is a lesson. There is noise and din in the next room, the teacher cannot stand it and goes there. Grabs the most noisy by the ear, leads him to his class. Ten minutes later, the door opens, a student from that office looks into the classroom and quietly says:

“Can we have our teacher back?”

The father asks his son:

What can I do to stop you getting F's?

"Ask the teacher not to call me!"

The teacher says:

- Everyone be quiet! To be heard as a fly flies!

Everyone immediately fell silent. Five minutes later, Vanya breaks down and asks:

- Mikhail Ivanovich, when will you let the fly go?

Now let's prove the Pythagorean theorem.

Last student:

- Maybe not? We believe in the word!

Answering a question about the first female pilot, the students named Baba Yaga.

I go to school - no one ... I go to Odnoklassniki - the whole class!

In math class:

- Anya, how much will your mother pay for 3 kilograms of potatoes, if a kilogram costs 30 rubles 10 kopecks?

- That is still unknown.

- Why?

“And she always bargains.

A high school student approaches his father:

Dad, they're calling you to school.

— What happened?

— So, a trifle, I broke the window.

The father went. A few days later, the son again:

"Daddy, they're calling you to school.

- What did you do again?

- Yes, the laboratory room was blown up.

The father went.

The son approaches him for the third time:

- Dad, you are again asked to go to school.

“That’s it, I’m tired, I won’t go anymore!”

- That's right, dad. Why do you need to walk through the ruins ...

Funny jokes for children about school are popular not only among students, but also among their parents. But how not to laugh at an unlucky classmate or teacher? Humor and laughter accompany our whole life, and therefore funny jokes at school are natural. The child does not want to offend anyone at all, it's just more fun to live, knowing her with laughter.

Funny jokes about school are relevant for both first graders and teenagers in high school. Without this, the life of children is unthinkable, because funny situations described in jokes are often taken from real situations in the classroom, at breaks, in communication with classmates and teachers. Jokes about Vovochka in class, about a student and director, and even about parents at a meeting are popular. Why not deal with problems? school life with humor, not to laugh and so defuse the tense situation, or maybe the told anecdote will help pass the missed lesson?

Why accumulate fear and anxiety in yourself? Anecdotes are especially shown to children who are afraid of teachers and school in general - laugh and you will succeed.

In addition, a joke told to the place will bring you popularity among classmates. School jokes don't know age. They are listened to and told with pleasure by both first-graders and graduates. Choose the right joke from our selection and tell your friends - let you have fun!

Jokes about school

***
Control class. The teacher closely monitors the students and from time to time kicks out those who have noticed spurs. The head teacher looks into the class:
- What, we write control? It's probably full of piss lovers!
The teacher answers:
- No, lovers - already outside the door. Only professionals are left here.

***
- Children, who broke the window?
Silence.
- Children, who broke the window?
Silence again.
- I ask for the third time, who broke the window?
- Come on, Marya Ivanovna, what is there! Ask for the fourth time.

***
Student after grading:
- I don't think I deserve this rating.
Teacher:
- Me too, but, unfortunately, not anymore.

***
The student answered five. The teacher asks for a diary.
“But I forgot it at home,” the student says.
- Take mine! whispers the neighbor.

***
Teacher: - The one who goes to answer first, I will put a higher point.
The malicious loser pulls the diary.
- What do you want? - the teacher is surprised.
- Get three!

***
The teacher says in class:
- Children, do you know that in the cold all objects shrink, and in heat, on the contrary, they increase in size? Who can bring a prier out of life?
Masha raises her hand
- Summer vacation last longer than winter!

***
Teacher at the Russian language lesson:
- Give an example of the use of the expression "fortunately."
The student answers:
- Robbers ambushed the traveler and killed him. Fortunately, he left the money at home.

***
- Children, what natural phenomena occur in winter?
- Snowmen...

***
Two students are chasing a soccer ball under the windows of the house.
- What kind of swearing do you have in your apartment? one asks.
- This is my grandfather explaining to my father how to solve my problem in arithmetic.

***
At school, the teacher says to the students:
- Which one of you finally considers himself a dumbass? Get up.
After a long pause, one student rises:
"So you think you're stupid?"
- Well, not really, but it's somehow embarrassing that only you are standing.

***
One very fat girl was transferred to another class, after which the school leaned in the other direction.

***
When the son of Count Dracula did not come home from school, his mother decided that he most likely had a stake.

***
A first grader comes home from class and starts telling her mother:
We read a fairy tale in class.
-What?, Mom asks.
- Little Red Riding Hood.
- And what did this wonderful fairy tale teach you?
- You need to remember very well what my grandmother looks like.

***
A school teacher says to a colleague:
- No, it became absolutely impossible to work. The teacher is afraid of the principal. Inspector Director. Inspector-inspectors from the ministry. Parents Minister. Parents are afraid of children. And only children are not afraid of anyone ...

***
- When are you going to do your homework?
- After the movie.
- After the movie - late.
- It's never too late to learn!

Jokes about Vovochka at school

***
The teacher is teaching a geography lesson. Vovochka crumples at the blackboard.
- Vovochka, please tell us what the Panama Canal is.
- Well, I don’t know ... our TV does not show such a channel.

***
Father asks Vovochka:
Did you fix the two?
- Corrected!
- Well, show me!
- Here! (In the diary there is dirt and stains from the wash)
- Well, who fixes it? ! Give it here!

***
Vovochka comes from school, gives dad a diary to read. Dad reads:
- Russian-2, mathematics-2, physics-2, ... Singing-5. God! My debil also sings!

***
- Well, Vovochka, tell me, how much will twice two be? the teacher asks.
-Four!
- Correctly. Here's four candies for you.
- Oh, if I knew, I would say sixteen!

***
Teacher:
- Vovochka, tell me quickly, how much will be 5 + 8.
- 23.
"Aren't you ashamed to be so stupid!" It will be 13, not 23.
- So you asked me to answer quickly, not accurately.

***
- Well done, Vovochka, - praises the father of his son.
How did you manage to get an A in zoology?
-And they asked me how many legs an ostrich has. I answered three.
- Wait, but an ostrich has two legs!
-That's it! But the rest of the students answered that four!

***
The teacher scolds Vovochka:
“Can you only count to ten?” I just don't know what you're thinking of becoming...
- Boxing referee!

***
- Vovochka, make a sentence with the words "cat" and "look."
- When I accidentally stepped on the cat's foot, he screamed:
- “You need to watch where you step!”

***
Vovochka, returning home after school:
- Dad, today at school Parent meeting... But only for a narrow circle.
- For a narrow circle? What does it mean?
- There will be only a teacher and you ...

***
In front of school, on the pavement, someone painted a penis with spray paint. The janitor could not figure out how to remove IT and covered the drawing with earth!

***
A student of class 5 "F" brought home a notebook, where he outlined the theory of PALEVOCONTACT at the lesson.