Working with resentment, anger and other acute emotions. Techniques for dealing with resentment

1. Dealing with resentment requires subtle and specific separation myself. On the one hand, resentment as a phenomenon needs to be completely allow, have in front of you. That is, as long as you, beating your chest, say that “you are psychotechnical people, you are not offended”; as long as you “fight” your grievances, do not allow them, force them out, etc., it is impossible to work with them, because they are for you not represented, with nothing work. This is a very subtle thing: on the one hand, you cannot let resentment take over and let it live on one’s psyche, that is, one cannot “nourish” resentment with oneself, one cannot, roughly speaking, become offended. But, on the other hand, you need a grudge that a person wants to work with, fully and completely reveal, and to begin with, to admit that in its place, that is, where this resentment is, it right in your own way. The offended subpersonality really has some “reasons” of its own, otherwise we could not “nurture” this resentment.

In other words, in order to work through resentment, it must be taken more seriously than it takes itself. It "slips" into the semi-consciousness and spins around in the mind like a broken record, precisely because we don't take it seriously enough. Technically, as we always do in communicative analysis, this resentment exteriorize- put her on an empty chair and listen, because until she is listened to properly, she has the opportunity, as a superficial, but very important background, whine: “Here, no one listens to me, but I’m actually right, in fact I ...” Further, of course, it turns out that this offense can only live exactly as much as there is at least some, even a small “ distortion”, i.e. in fact, this insult slightly podviraet. But this can only be revealed after how we sat her down and listened to her.

On the other hand, this, of course, is absolutely no reason for, in moments of non-work, but simply life, to harbor resentment and say: “Here, I feed it so as not to drive it inward, because it is harmful to drive negative emotions inward, better than them..." etc. Either one is a mistake. And to drive resentment inward (displace, suppress) is a mistake, and to express resentment, to live it, or, as they say in a very precise expression, supply resentment is also a mistake. These are two edges of the same error.

Resentment is needed take to work. And so that it was done, if possible, once and for all. In fact, of course, this is done more than once, since we are inertial beings. Those. real study is usually 3-4 times. But every time it has to be at the moment completely completed work.

2. A few important things about resentment. Firstly, resentment connects. Resentment is a form of maintaining a certain "we". Moreover, not consciously, but intentionally, and this is its entire psychotechnical essence: resentment removes the claim to a certain “we” from consciousness, but retains this claim “de facto”.

Here we can recall the distinction between self-image and self-image model. The image of myself is what I really hold myself for, and self-image model- this is what I am for I issue in front of oneself (and in front of others) in special means awareness. So, resentment at the level of the self-image model seems to separate the offended and the offender, but at the level of factuality, actual experience brings together, is a form of maintaining a "we".

Let me give you an example from my personal history. For a long time I held a grudge against my father because he was - in my opinion - a bad father to me. I said it at every convenient opportunity in the internal dialogue, I demonstrated it behaviorally, showing: “What kind of father are you to me ?! You're a bad father!" But one day, having already become quite skilled in the art of communicative analysis, I turned this art on myself and invited myself to say the same thing, only without an exclamation mark. Those. instead of saying, "You're a bad father to me!" say to yourself: “Listen, look at your father carefully. This man - by the way, he was then younger than you are now - psychologically is a boy, very unsuccessfully arranged in his life, broken off in all his hopes, entangled between his wife and mistress. Finally, open your eyes and see: this person cannot be what you call the Real Father. So you are right in your statement: this person could not be a “good father” to you. Looked, understood, saw, stated that I - fatherlessness, and a lot has changed for me, in particular, in several control situations I began to behave completely differently.

So that's when you look sober when you decide sacrifice a grudge, - you run the risk of losing either a certain line in compatibility with the one you are offended by, or even losing this compatibility. According to Perls, resentment is one aspect of what he calls the neurotic mechanism. mergers, and when this fusion collapses, there is contact, and in this contact the assumed compatibility comes into question It is not known whether she exists or not. So often resentment turns out to be a form of (unconscious, or semi-conscious) maintaining togetherness where there is none. So in order to work out resentment, this illusion has to be sacrificed. Moreover, as often happens in such cases, in what is not there is sacrificed.

3. In its logical structure, resentment suggests that someone should have done something or be something that they were not - “but they could, if they wanted to!” That is, resentment suggests behind the "offender" arbitrariness used for evil in relation to the offended, - crime. Different cases are possible here, a wide range - from what someone really did to someone, to what someone did not do to someone. The first, as far as I know our environment, is quite easy to say goodbye - well, done and done. More often they are offended by who was who or who was not. That is, as a rule, a real, thick, severe resentment suggests that the offender could and should love the offended person more, be more connected with him, etc. Even if we are talking about resentment at the lack of care, as a rule, they are offended not at the lack of immediate care, but at the fact that someone, without bringing slippers to the bed, showed by this that doesn't want to be the caring poodle that the offended one wanted to have. That is, the most acute and intense case is the question of who is who in interpersonal relationships and who occupies what place in life.

A person is in a certain environment - material, social, psychological - and in this environment there are other people whom he keeps in certain places in his script: father, mother, wife, sister, lover, colleague. His script spells out not only who should do what do,- this is secondly, this is a consequence; it is written in his script who owes him whom to be: a wife should be caring, a mistress should be loving, colleagues should be respectful, etc. Even though all these things are in fact more or less spontaneous: you cannot love by order, you cannot respect by order - as it is, it is. But the man turns out dependent on what feelings and attitudes take place in others in his field. Why addicted? Not only because he needs, say, love. This also takes place, but this is a separate line, it is natural and legal. But he still turns out to be dependent on the fusion mechanism, because in his script people are assigned certain places and roles, which correspond to certain feelings and attitudes. And if these people do not have such feelings and do not confirm these relationships, the script breaks, and this is very painful. If, for example, a person’s colleagues don’t respect him, it’s true that he doesn’t respect them himself, and in general they are all bitter drunkards (and he himself too), and in general they are all second-class people, but according to the script, colleagues should respect him, then he's okay. If they don't respect him, everything goes wrong for him.

Therefore, people are forced to provide each other with these feelings. Most systems are based on an agreement to play along with each other's scenarios - the so-called happy families, good teams. This arrangement constitutes the second, reflexive layer of "generally accepted reality." The first layer is simply belonging to a certain culture. We all know that the Earth is round, this is accepted among us, although none of you know how this is proved. And the second level of generally accepted reality is that we “support each other’s face”, help it “not to drop”. We all take care to support each other these “faces”, these scenario roles. And in intimate psychological situations (with which, as a rule, insults are associated), we kind of trust our “face” to a greater extent, and when this trust is not justified to us, we are offended.

4. Two fundamentally different cases are possible here. One case is when there was an agreement or a real existential obligation, as in the case of parents, and this agreement or existential obligation was violated. Then the offense is in a sense justified.

And the second case, when the "appointment" of what was expected by the offended, was arbitrary. It is one thing - a deceived bride, another thing - an insult to a girl who was not invited to dance, although, on sound reflection, no one should have done this. She may be annoyed - but that's another matter. Often there are resentments caused by the frustration of expectations "by default": she thought that the husband owed this and that, but he thought quite differently, however, he thought that the wife owed this and that, but She thought otherwise...

Nevertheless, strange as it may seem, the psychotechnical work in both cases is very similar. The first stage is different, at which it is important to reveal your resentment and tell her: “Yes, you have the right to be offended, your parents, who treated you in such and such a way, are, generally speaking, wrong.” That is, give yourself the opportunity to say out loud: "This is not good."

But in the next step, we look at these people and understand that they could not to be what the children expected from them, but not always wanted. And then we consider the situation from the point of view of the real presence or absence of arbitrariness at the addressees of our resentment, and the similarities and differences between our and their ideas about "proper" and "desirable". And we find out, in one case, that they "didn't succeed", in another case - that they didn't want to, in the third case - that it never occurred to them that we expected this from them. But in all cases we find that the community and the commitments that we were counting on did not actually exist, and from the place where we now find ourselves, we need to start dealing with this somehow in a new way.

5. Resentment, like guilt, creates a kind of specific virtual reality, in the exact sense of the word virtual a reality very reminiscent of the one imagined by people who put on a helmet and fight monsters in some kind of computer game.

“You can’t offend, you can be offended”, “resentment is the result of inadequate expectations”, “resentment is manipulation”. Familiar stamps? Resentment has been out of luck lately. It is difficult to say why - but the offense was deleted from the list of "legal" human experiences and began to be considered as a feeling of harmful, destructive, "racket", and a person offended - almost as an aggressor. For some reason, esotericists especially fell in love with this topic: articles with advice on how to get rid of resentment in yourself and never again allow this feeling into your beautiful inner world - there are no number on the portals of popular psychology with an emphasis on spiritual practices.

Let's start with a little history digression. In equating resentment with manipulation, I believe, the popularizers of E. Bern, who described a number of games related to the manipulation of guilt, are "guilty", I believe. The phrase “you can’t offend, you can be offended” belongs to Ernest Holmes, the founder of the Science of Mind movement, who wrote the following in his book The Power of Thought: Vulnerability is not a weakness, but a diagnosis. Not allowing anyone or anything to hurt your emotions means not allowing yourself to feel hurt.. Remember that it is impossible to offend; can be offended". The comrade gained a lot of followers, including among NLP lovers, but he was not a psychologist, but a religious philosopher of a very radical persuasion. The concept, in which resentment is seen as a distortion of perception, a marker of inadequate expectations, belongs to the domestic scientist Yu.M. Orlov, to the author of the theory of sanogenic (healthy) thinking and a book about resentment - in my opinion, useful and fascinating (). In it, the author describes the mechanism of resentment as a reaction to the discrepancy between reality and expectations, but nowhere stigmatizes resentment as a destructive feeling, and even emphasizes the harm from suppression and intentional concealment of grievances, stands for the ecology of communication, calls to inform others about their experiences.

How did it happen? How were existing psychological concepts picked up, altered and inscribed in the idea of ​​self-development through the elimination of supposedly "negative" feelings from the inner world? I am confused (and offended) by this trend. I cannot consider harmful any feelings that have arisen in the process of evolutionary and social development of man. Let's figure it out.

First of all, resentment is a feeling that arises as a result of socialization. A baby who cannot satisfy his need feels only anger. For resentment to arise, inner reality must become more complex: it must contain the value of relationships with another person. Resentment is a complex experience, including both self-pity and anger at the offender, and, importantly, holding this anger with the opposite trend - love, or at least the idea of ​​​​the value of relationships. Too controversial? Yes. The world of human experiences can be complex, ambiguous, and implies that the human psyche is able to cope with ambivalence: that one can experience different feelings for one object. Simplification, coarsening of feelings is a marker of impaired mental development, and, conversely, the healthier a person is, the more subtle, complex and ambiguous experiences are available to him. What happens if you don't hold back the anger? A person will, if not immediately kill, then at least break off relations at the slightest discrepancy between the expected and the real.

What about accepting the other person as they are right away? This is a good idea, but too abstract. To accept you as you are, you must first understand who you are. The idea that a person can know and accept something in advance is the idea of ​​omnipotence. Living people know little in advance, do not hesitate to turn on the natural function of disgust, and if they are not poisoned by the idea of ​​"all-acceptance" - they give themselves the opportunity to recognize the other in the process of relationship. Resentment arises from inadequate expectations, but the fact is that our expectations of each other can never be completely adequate, and perception - completely free from projections. The perception of another person is inevitably built on a projection that has yet to be tested in communication. And if we talk about close relationships, then the inevitable stage of falling in love, which allows people to stay close due to a strong attraction to each other, implies a merger with their projections. The first hurt in a relationship is the first step to move from blissful fusion to knowing the other person, and through that recognition, to a more mature relationship.

Thus, resentment is an opportunity to pause and adjust interpersonal interaction by sorting out one's own expectations and the reactions of the other. Yes, the reactions of another to my offense - including. What to do with the fact that resentment causes some kind of reaction, which means that it can be considered as manipulation? But the communicative aspect - is in any emotion. The expression of emotions in appearance and behavior is the oldest way of communication, allowing both animals and people to regulate their communication with relatives. In this sense, any emotional influence on another person can be seen as manipulation. People in communication inevitably observe each other, send emotional signals, read emotional responses - and thus build relationships and distance in relationships. As you know, less than 30% of information is transmitted by words. In my opinion, we should not talk about the destructiveness of resentment in itself, but about the destructive or constructive communications that a person chooses, being an offender or offended. If the offended person does not say what he was offended by, does not allow to atone for guilt (or is offended without an act, for the pleasure of seeing someone else's guilt and feeling his own power over the situation), does not give an opportunity to agree - you can talk about resentment as a habitual way of destructive communication. If a person who is offended is available for contact (or clearly declares the need to be alone for a while), clearly indicates the connection of his offense with the act of another, and is in principle negotiable - accusing him of manipulative behavior, alas, will be manipulation. Since the denial of another person's right to their own feelings is, in my opinion, the most malicious manipulation of all possible.

Some people are afraid to look offended, because they consider the display of resentment to be a display of weakness. Yes, showing resentment - we show our vulnerability. And we are really vulnerable in everything that has to do with our expectations of other people, with our needs for others. But a strong person, adapted to the world, is distinguished not by the fact that he does not need anyone, but by the ability to recover and cope with disappointments. The idea of ​​strength as absolute invulnerability is an illusory idea that makes a person, on the one hand, insensitive, and on the other, very fragile. The risk of opening up and facing rejection - for such a person will be tantamount to the collapse of the entire personality. A truly strong person is not afraid to both appear weak and deceive the expectation of his weakness, if the situation requires it.

And now we will reveal for you the secrets of the psychotherapist's work kitchen. Of course, the process of psychotherapy is holistic and far from always amenable to dissection, but nevertheless, some principles that “work” with neurotic disorders can be considered.

Gestalt therapy is very successful in dealing with neuroses. Most of the techniques are aimed at the gradual passage of layers of neurosis to an authentic existence.

Target Gestalt therapy is to:

• remove the blockage and stimulate development;
• create a goal and an internal source of support;
• create contact with oneself and with the environment;
• enrich awareness of attitudes and behaviors of the past and present;
• develop the client's readiness to make decisions and actions, i.e. to achieve emotional and intellectual clarification leading to the integration of the personality.

For reference:

neurotic personality: relies on the environment, seeks support from the outside world, manipulates others to meet their needs. Such people are not able (or unwilling) to take risks, for a long time they take on the protective role of "helpless", "little" or "fool".

Mature personality: seeks sources of support in herself, confidently follows the path of meeting her needs (formation of a gestalt), an adequate process of contacts with the environment and waste.

Maturity occurs when a person mobilizes his resources to overcome the frustration and fear that arise from the lack of support from others. If a person still cannot use the support of others or find support in himself, then this situation is called dead end. Maturity is the ability to take risks in order to get out of the impasse.

The father of Gestalt therapy, Frederick Perls, believed that neurosis consists of 5 levels (layers) through which the process of therapy must pass on the way to maturity, taking responsibility for oneself, discovering by the client his true individuality.

First level – level of "fake relationships", clichés, games and roles. A person strives to become what he fantasized himself in childhood or introjected the messages of loved ones and society, and not himself.

Second level – phobic, artificial. A person becomes aware of his "fake" behavior, but is afraid to be who he is. He is afraid that society will condemn him.

Third level – stalemate, stalemate. A person experiences a feeling of loss and emptiness, since he no longer plays roles unusual for him, does not pretend to himself and others. He is experiencing the loss of outside support, but is not yet ready or does not want to use his own resources.

Fourth level – internal explosion. After crossing a dead end, a person may experience fear of death or even feel that he is dying, there is a feeling of great tension and numbness, there is a belief that something terrible is about to happen.

Fifth level – external explosion. Here is the birth of an authentic personality, which acquires the ability to experience and express their emotions. Deep and intense emotional experience brings relief and restores emotional balance.

With neurosis, a person cannot satisfy his needs, achieve goals, does what is not useful to him and does not do what is important to him. His self-regulation process is ineffective.

When working with neuroses, the therapist creates experimental conditions in which the patient himself finds what is useful for him, what is harmful. This is one of the important distinguishing features of the approach.

The Gestalt therapist offers the patient a variety of games and exercises that encourage more direct confrontation with meaningful content and experiences, and also provides the opportunity for experimentation with oneself and other group members. During the games, patients “try on” different roles, enter into different images, identify with significant feelings and experiences, alienated parts of the personality and introjects.

The principle of "Cleaning the bulb",which can be summarized above.

The client is gradually freed from neurosis, psychological and emotional problems. With the help of the therapist's questions and the client's answers, one problem after another, appearing in the form of "Figures", is gradually removed into the "Background".

The ultimate goal of therapy is for the client to gain the ability to cope independently with their psychological problems and not depend on the Gestalt therapist.

All approaches and techniques of Gestalt therapy can be divided into three groups:

• restraining (develop awareness, preventing the usual sensory experience);
• expressive (develop awareness with the help of exaggerated expression);
• integrative (unite parts of the personality alienated due to internal conflict).

It is not our task to cover all the techniques of Gestalt therapy, but it still seems possible to outline the most striking ones that the therapist will use in the process of working with neuroticism in a client.

Gestalt does not like narrative. Abstract reasoning of any level, be it the deepest existential reflections, analysis of the political situation in the country or a conversation about the weather, takes a person away from His actual experiences and needs, which are sure to be behind every abstract conversation. "What are you avoiding now?", "Say it straight" - your psychotherapist will offer you.

Gradually, clients abandon their usual assessments and interpretations. Behind them, as a rule, is an old, obsolete experience. The task of working together with the therapist is to translate the client's sense of self to the level of simple phenomena experienced at the bodily level. This is done in order to reconnect the client with their own emotional energy and reflect the perception of the current situation as truthfully as possible. That's why most psychologists encourage "I-language"(when any messages addressed to other people are transformed into "I-messages", which show only how everything that happens is reflected in the personal perception of the client). This helps to assign personal responsibility for what happens in life.

Emphasis and focus on the present moment, here-and-now technique. This is a distinctive feature of Gestalt therapy, which states that any traumatic experience of the past, if it is relevant, under certain conditions, begins to "live" and unfold in the present moment. And only in the present moment there is a chance to solve the unfinished tasks of the past. "What's wrong with you now?", "What do you feel?" - it is no coincidence that the favorite questions of Gestalt therapists.

To put it simply, the Gestalt therapist in the process of interacting with the client is engaged in the only work - it supports some forms of behavior and stops others. Awareness, feeling, self-reliance, experimentation and dialogue are welcome, habitual forms of behavior, the search for support outside are not supported.

Approach of Gestalt therapy "Shuttle movement". It consists in a phased experience by the client of an event with a return (if necessary) from the next stage to the previous one. The experience takes place in the style of "psychodrama", i.e. the client visualizes the traumatic situation and lives through it, thus completing the "unfinished situation".

Dialogue between parts of self. A game or exercise is used when the personality is clearly divided into separate fragments. The psychotherapist invites the patient to conduct a dialogue between different parts of the personality - strong and weak, smart and stupid. This can be a dialogue with one's own feelings (for example, with anxiety, fear), and with individual parts or organs of one's own body, and with an imaginary person significant to the patient. Often used for this is the notorious empty chair technique.

Identification with body parts, symptom - this is the game (or exercise) that allows you to "include" in the personality those aspects for which a person does not take responsibility and, accordingly, loses all control over them.

Making circles. The client is invited to go around the circle and address each participant with a question that concerns him, for example, to find out how others evaluate him, what they think of him, or express his own feelings towards group members.

Unfinished business. The client is invited to express his feelings to an imaginary interlocutor or to contact directly the member of the psychotherapeutic group who is related to the unfinished situation.

Definition of projections. The client is invited to “play a projection”, that is, to try on himself that feeling or character trait that he attributes to another. Gradually entering the role, a person reveals himself, while integration of previously rejected aspects of the personality can occur.

Finding the opposite. The client is invited, for example, to play a role opposite to that which he demonstrates in the group. Such a technique allows you to achieve a more complete contact with those aspects of your personality that were previously hidden, restore a more complete perception of the situation and the ability to consciously choose reactions and manifestations.

Imagination exercises. Illustrate the projection process and help group members identify with the rejected aspects of the personality. Among these exercises, the most popular game is "Old Abandoned Store". The patient is asked to imagine himself as an object in an old abandoned store, describe his feelings, answer the question why he was left in the store, what his existence as this object is like. By identifying with objects, patients project some of their personal aspects onto them.

Identification with dream images. If such a request arises, then the Gestalt therapist also works with dreams. Perls believed that dreams are an attempt to complete what is not fully expressed in a person's life. Therefore, the most emotionally charged images in the dream are highlighted, and the client is invited to be these elements of the dream: to speak, move, interact on their behalf. And the next step may be playing out a kind of interaction between the elements of sleep. Finally, the Gestalt therapist may attempt to bridge "What is it like in your life?"

"I accept responsibility." After the statement, the client should add: "And I accept responsibility for this."

There are an infinite number of techniques and exercises in the Gestalt approach. Because the direction encourages creativity and spontaneity, many of these can be imagined while clients are in group or individual therapy. The effectiveness of the application of a particular technique largely determines the personality of the client himself, his perception, intelligence, etc.

Can you do all this on your own? Something is possible, but difficult. Most personality deformations occur in close relationships, which is why the best place for healing is also in a relationship.

The goal of Gestalt therapy is more than solving personal problems, it changes the whole lifestyle of the client, and you need to be ready for this. That is why it is better, of course, to turn to a professional who will accompany you on this difficult but interesting journey.

We figured out that anger is an indicator of need. More often and more intensely, it occurs in meaningful relationships.
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Like any other feeling, anger is not a mental process. It cannot be called or destroyed by an effort of will, it is impossible to persuade yourself not to be angry. You can only forbid yourself to experience the feeling, mask it with something else.

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It is important to remember at the same time that trying to change feelings to suit your vision is an act of violence against yourself.

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What to do in therapy with figures of anger?

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1. Discover the experience

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Most likely the client will come with one of two polarities:
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- with suppressed anger, anger at oneself, resentment, depression;
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- with "seething" anger, suffering from one's own reactions, exhaustion, difficulties in society.
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The task of therapy is to detect anger, to distinguish it from other feelings, to give it a place to be.
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It is important to note that the exposure of anger DOES NOT EQUAL a call to be angry, dangerous, destructive.
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Detecting anger IS EQUAL to admitting it to yourself.

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2. Discover the need

What desire is frustrated?
Where are the boundaries broken?
What is the impossibility?
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Usually, this is a fairly large layer of therapy that raises many topics.

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3. Determine the addressee

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Often, due to the fear of rejection, the inability to convey, confess, ask (and other mechanisms for interrupting contact), anger goes to the wrong people for whom it was intended.
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Sometimes it happens consciously, but more often it doesn't.
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This method helps to reduce the degree of experience, to discharge, but the anger quickly returns, as the need remains frustrated.
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The task of this point of work is to determine to whom the anger is actually addressed and from whom the client needs so much to satisfy the need?

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4. Search for a form of living a feeling and satisfying a need

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Forms of expression of anger is a painful and complex topic.
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We do not want to be angry with us, it is unpleasant and painful. And if they are angry, then only extremely politely and constructively!
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But anger is an experience, including a bodily one, and if we do not raise our voice at all, control facial muscles and gestures, speak calmly and “constructively”, we seem to follow the need, but we suppress the feeling.
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The other pole is affect, complete immersion, capture by experience, loss of control.
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In affect, it is impossible to get something from your anger or rely on it, because. in affect I lose awareness and feeling of myself.
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Affect leads to a quick discharge, release of tension, but anger just as quickly returns.
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It is important to live the feeling without suppressing yourself and without falling into an affect.
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Expressing anger does not mean insulting, inflicting violence, or starting a fight. We can talk about it in words.
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For example, "I'm so outraged, so angry that I want to hit you!" Malicious? Yes! But these are words, this is not action.
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Saying about your desire does not mean hitting. It's an unpleasant message, but an honest one.
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The correct expression of feelings does not exclude the expression and facial expressions necessary for experiencing feelings.
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Finding a form in which I can, while still feeling myself, allow myself to express anger, talk about what I don’t like, react to another, show that I am hurt, annoyed, while remaining in contact with the other is an important task. therapy - the development of assertiveness of the client.
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In counseling, we work on developing assertive behavior and communication skills.
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In psychotherapy, what prevents a client from being assertive? (working with the client's self-relationship, boundaries, ability to express themselves, withstand tension, recognize their vulnerabilities, staying in contact, etc.).

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5. When reacting is not possible, the only way to release emotionally is to burn out. We can "weep" what we can't do.

The ability to express anger helps you follow your needs, resolve conflicts, restore your own balance and the balance of relationships, and be in closeness.