Witty sayings and phrases. Funny sayings and funny aphorisms

Outstanding representatives of humanity, to express their opinion with their help and give it greater weight. And it does not matter whether the name of the author is known or whether the aphorism belongs to folk wisdom. They are especially popular because they help not only to express their attitude to something, but also to show off a sense of humor.

men about women

With the advent of social networks on the Internet, a real battle of the sexes began. Women are looking for interesting statuses to show their attitude to the universe and men in particular. And the stronger sex uses funny sayings as a weapon to counter this.

Women's funny sayings

The better half of humanity is also great at manipulating aphorisms. Women can, with their help, both laugh at themselves and point out to men their mistakes.

• Real men are not cowardly - they doubt.
• When the eagles are silent, the parrots chat.
• It is easy to say "I will die for you" when there is no need for such a sacrifice.
• Women never lie! They just have a girlish memory at first, and then sclerosis.
• With a good wife, a man can become a man.
• Funny sayings about blondes are composed by scary brunettes on lonely evenings.
• If fate hit in the forehead, then the kick in the ass did not work.
• Better to be a young grandmother than an old girl.
• Truth should be presented carefully, like a dish of author's cuisine, and not thrown out like fresh fish on Privoz.
• Women's friendship is just a suspension of hostilities.
• It's nothing, that the wind is in my head, but the ideas are always fresh.
• Some men are like clouds, when they leave it becomes lighter.
• My preferences are simple - I am satisfied with the best.
• The only medicine that does more good than harm to a woman is a new dress.

Funny aphorisms and sayings on general topics

Pearls of the powerful

It happens that an absurd, funny statement, once escaped from the lips of a politician, is remembered more than all his activities.

• We have enough people who, as they say, are not friends with the head.
• As they say, feel with your own eyes and see with your own hands.
• I approached people from your Cabinet of Ministers and asked what their specialty was. It turned out that a gynecologist works somewhere, and a plumber somewhere. (V. Yanukovych).

• Condoleezza Rice is as simple a Texas girl as I am.
• As a child, I dreamed of becoming an astronaut, but I had to study a lot, so I became president.
• Only we, the great American people, could send a rover to Mars! (George Bush Jr.).

It is impossible to imagine our life without laughter and smiles, without humor and fun. Therefore, from time to time, each of us needs to move away from everyday worries, relax and have at least a little fun. Cool phrases and funny sayings are a sure and wonderful tool for quickly raising a good mood. Cool phrases and statuses are very popular because they describe the exciting moments in the lives of many people in a humorous way. They will help you impress your interlocutors with wit, as well as cheer up friends, colleagues, a bored company or guests at a festive party. Cool expressions can also come in handy to “defuse” a tense situation or in awkward situations when you need to correct your oversight.
There are many wonderful funny phrases and expressions. I tried to select the best, funniest "phrases" that, in my opinion, deserve the most attention. Read on and let no one be left without a smile!

• My character, of course, is not sugar, but I was not created for that, to add me to tea!
• If I ever die because of a man, it will only be from laughter.
• I am neither good nor bad. I'm kind in an evil stripe!
• I only have one life and I can't afford to be unhappy!
• I thought I was special, but it turned out - the best ...
• It is not enough to know your own worth - you still need to be in demand.
• What is, you can’t put it back !!!
• So what if the wind is in your head, but thoughts are always fresh ...
• Where have you seen a cat who cares what mice say about her?
• If you spit on my back, then I'm ahead of you!
• Don't tell me what to do and I won't tell you where to go!
• If you want me to be an angel, organize heaven for me!
• My life my rules. If you don't like my rules, stay out of my life.
• She has not been seen in vicious relationships ... Was it not? No… Not noticed!
• You need to live in such a way that others have depression!
• When will they learn how to conduct light into women's handbags ?! Really needed!!!
• We are strong women: we will take out the garbage, and the brain, if necessary!
• Lose weight on three diets! (I don't eat two...)
• He eats - I cook, he wears - I wash, he scatters - I clean. And what would I do without him...
• Women's folk fun: she came up with it herself, she was offended.
• I am like champagne: I can be playful, but I can give it to my head ...
• I so want to be a weak woman, but, as luck would have it, either the horses are galloping, or the huts are burning ...
• Sometimes my husband shakes from me ... Still, I am an amazing woman !!!
• Girls are standing, standing aside, pulling handkerchiefs in their hands ... Because for ten girls, according to statistics: 1 blue, 4 alcoholics, 2 divorced, 2 drug addicts and 1 normal, but he is married ...
• What is the difference between fake love and real love? Fake: "I like snowflakes in your hair!" Real: "Fool, why without a hat?"
• If a woman has sparkles in her eyes, then the cockroaches in her head are celebrating something.
• How to make a girl crazy?
  “Give her a lot of money and close all the shops!”
• Men, let's wash, clean, cook, iron ...., and we want you!
• I so want to cuddle up to someone, put my lips to my ear and whisper ...: “Give me money!”
• Sometimes I open the closet, look in it for a long time and realize that I keep two-thirds of my clothes in case I go crazy.
• Classic women's wardrobe: Nothing to wear. Nowhere to hang. It’s a pity to throw it away ... And there is also a department “Suddenly I lose weight” ...
• You need to smile so wide that problems stumble over a smile!
• An optimist is a person who, even falling face down in the mud, is sure that it is healing!
• Girls, who there wanted to lose weight by spring?
• This morning, while I was painting, I fainted 5 times from my beauty ...
• I used to live alone and all my things were lying around in their places, but now I'm married and all things are neat and beautiful, no one knows where ...
• I want fate to take me by the hair and right in the face - in happiness, in happiness, in happiness.
• A woman should be loved, happy, beautiful! And she doesn't owe anyone anything!
• The smartest plant is horseradish: he knows everything ...
• Now I live only according to this principle: whoever wants - will come, whoever needs it - will call, whoever is bored - will find it! And to whom - In figs, those - In figs!
• All men are bastards! All they need is just one! But why, why not from me-I-I?!
• I would send you, but I see you and so from there!
• Women are not interested in rags only if these rags are men.
• If you think that life is beautiful, then antidepressants are chosen correctly.
• If there are nails on the feet, then hands should be on the hands, and animals generally have bast shoes!
• There is nothing better in the world than creaking a bed until dawn!
• Judging by how life is fucking me, I'm fucking sexy!
• Robbers demand a purse or life, women - both.
• Never do evil out of spite! Bad things must come from the heart!
• The smarter a woman is, the more refined and diverse she takes out the brain of her man!
• Any dirty tricks can be used properly, if there is a desire ...
• Queens never get upset. When they are sad, they just execute someone...
• The weaker sex is stronger than the strong one due to the weakness of the stronger sex to the weaker one.
• Long live split personality - the shortest path to peace of mind!
• Spring is late for us, summer is delayed ... And autumn, you bastard, is punctual!
• I'm a woman - I have evil as standard!
• Don't want to be nice? - Get rid of the Vaseline!
• I am a creative woman. I want - I create, I want - I create ...
• With a teaspoon in my pocket, with a bald cactus in my hand, I’m going to frighten the old woman that lives in the attic, I’ll poke him with a spoon, I’ll order him to sit on the cactus ... I’m a little stupid - I have a certificate! ..
• Vasilisa was a sorceress ... Waving his right sleeve - a lake ... Waving his left - swans ... Waving another 200 grams - and the hallucinations are more complicated ...
• Happiness is when you have a doctor, a cop, a lawyer and a killer among your friends. Life just gets easier...
• There are people, like a drug - you know that it is impossible, but it pulls. And there are people like a cake - sweet, tasty, but sick ...
• I want to, like a bear: to eat up in the summer, and hibernate in the winter. And she lost weight, and slept, and did not see frost!
• Grandfather Frost, I behaved well for a whole year ... and now can I beat someone ???
• Caught a goldfish. She listened to me very carefully and said: “Fry!”
• And they take me away, and they take me away, into a colorful ringing crap, three white horses, two red elephants, a penguin, a hippopotamus and a deer.
• That which does not kill us, then regrets it very much.
• I am air. Don't try to hold on. Breathe while I let you breathe...
• My beloved said to me: “You are evil in the flesh!” Well, I'll implement it. I'm very obedient. And if for some reason he needs it, then how can I get past the request!
• I'm a very good cook... I can hang noodles... Brew porridge... Add oil... In general, I'm a smart sorceress.
• "Baby, I love you!" - excellent status! And all the suns are pleased, and you will not sleep ...
• - Treat the girl carefully, like a Christmas tree.
  Cut down and take home?
• - Strangers make remarks to my child! How to react?
  - Teach your child a magic spell: "My mother teaches me that not every value judgment should serve as a behavior modifier." When pronounced with clear diction and confidently benevolent intonation, it acts similarly to the spell: "Petrify!". And more reliable. Although not for long. But without dangerous side effects.
• You begin to understand that everything is really bad when a person cries, who usually calms everyone ...
• As my grandmother used to say, it's better to shoot, reload and shoot again than to shine a flashlight and ask "who's there?"
• In any situation, say "everything is going according to plan" - you never know what kind of fucked up plan you have.
• Sometimes it becomes so cool from the fact that it has become so in fig what was once so important ...
• And I'll leave without noticing the insults.
  Chewing a chocolate candy.
  And let the evil horse love you,
  Not a sun like me.
• "Darling, is it true that I'm the only one you have?"
  - Yes, what are you talking about today, all agreed, or what !?
• A woman, like fire, cannot be left unattended. Or go out, or burn everything to hell !!!
• Alcohol does not help to find the answer, it helps to forget the question....
• Honey, you insist so much on our relationship with you ... I don’t understand, do you have a nervous system made of reinforced concrete or a lifetime reservation in a madhouse?
• Sometimes you think: here it is, happiness! But no, damn it, experience again ...
• Here you drown a person, and it seems so sad, but then bubbles appear, so good, and the heart rejoices.
• It is easy to understand female logic, it is enough to learn how to play billiards with cubes.
• It is necessary to find out the relationship only with those with whom you have these relationships. The rest - in figs on the shore of silence, collect shells ...
• Happiness is when the previous f*ck has already ended, and the next one has not yet begun.
• Cockroaches in the head are still normal. The problem is when a squirrel starts to kick them out ...
• A black cat crossing your path means that the animal is going somewhere. Don't complicate!
• You need to return to the woman as quickly as possible. So quickly that she does not have time to understand that she is fine without you.
• If you love, let go. If he doesn't come back, track him down and kill him.
• There are many other people's nerves in the world - there is no need to fray your own!
• I bought a chalk from cockroaches! Now it’s quiet and calm in my head ... they sit, draw ...
• Here you send someone in a hurry. And in your soul you worry: did you get there? ... didn’t you get there? ...
• - Who are you?
  - Kind fairy!
  - And why with an ax?
  - Yes, the mood is not very good ...
• I got up on the wrong foot, sat on the wrong broom, and generally flew in the wrong direction ...
• Give me wings, otherwise the whole ass is in splinters from the broom!
• In general, I love raspberry pies. Of course, they don’t reciprocate, but they don’t behave like bastards either!
• - What will you order?
  - I, please, nerves, mind, calmness and * zma ... Yes, more * zma, please.
• Don't be a jerk - give the person a second chance. Don't be an idiot - never give a third.
• Nerves in shock, brains in a trance, and logic generally went and shot itself.
• If my mother taught me to be cultured, this does not mean that I do not kick my eye, as my father taught me!
• A realist is someone who doesn't care if the glass is half full or half empty. For him, what's in the glass is more important.
• No matter what the rake teaches, but the heart believes in miracles ...
• It's amazing how some people enjoy romantic rake walks.
• If you constantly step on the same rake, then this is a fucking rake!
• Smile more often - and the thicket will smile at you!
• Yes, I'm not an angel, but flying faster on a broomstick.
• Everyone thinks that every girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. No matter how! Our dream is to eat and not get better!
• All women are angels, but if their wings are cut off, they begin to fly on a broomstick.
• A man should be able to do two things: set fire to huts and scare horses so that his woman has something to do, and not take out his brains.
• ... and yet it is IMPORTANT that the butterflies in the stomach agree with the cockroaches in the head!
• Yesterday, it seemed, I gained my mind-reason ... Today I woke up - but no, I just got it ...
• I don’t promise to bring to sin, but I spend ...
• No need to offend me, I'm a vulnerable girl, just about - immediately into tears ... And then with tearful eyes it's so hard to understand who was hit with a shovel ...
• This morning, such horrors were shown in the mirror ...
• I don't drink flowers and sweets!
• - Girl, why haven't we met yet?
  God bless you, stupid creature...
• I am not overweight. He's my spare.
• Philologist woman: bright multiple sarcasms on the first date.
• While men, being boys, play war games and cars, women, being girls, immediately prepare to manipulate people and play with dolls.
• It is better to be a favorite wretch than to be an unnecessary perfection.
• Listen to the voice of reason ... Do you hear? Do you hear what the hell he's talking about?
• A woman needs a sense of intimacy, trust, and bonding to get into bed with a man. For a man - mainly - a place ...
• Squirrels eat snow. What are you doing to end winter?
• People who helped the spring and ate the snow, why else did you gobble up the asphalt?
• The glass blower accidentally sneezed at work and created a new vase for the Ikea store.
• If things don't go the way you want - it's not your business, let them pass by.
• Can't relieve stress? Don't dress up!!!
• It is wrong to say "toad strangles." It should be like this: “amphibiotropic asphyxia happened to me”
• Macaque koala in cocoa macala. Koala lazily lapped cocoa ...
• Squirrels in spats in the bowels of the tundra dig cedar kernels. In the bowels of the tundra, otters in spats are digging cedar kernels in buckets! Having torn the gaiters from the otter in the tundra, wipe the otter kernels of cedar, wipe the muzzle of the otter with the gaiter - the kernels into buckets, the otter into the tundra.
• Having washed the leggings in the swamp, putting the cores in buckets, the otters with squirrels in an embrace quietly finish the jar ... Finishing the moonshine, the otters danced a jig, the squirrels tried on the leggings, muttering that they had seen a worse holiday in the tundra.
• I speak English with a dictionary, so far I am shy with people ...
• Sliding under the table, do not forget to politely say goodbye to the guests.
• There is a genius in each of us. And every day it gets stronger and stronger...
• I do not know what you are taking from the head, but it obviously does not help you!
• Sorry, I'm saying when you interrupt…
• A beautiful woman pleases the male gaze, an ugly woman pleases the female!
• There are no perpetual motion machines in the world, but there are plenty of perpetual brakes!
• Take care of the Motherland! Vacation abroad!
• I am constantly haunted by smart thoughts, but I find myself faster ...
• Everyone is spoiled to the best of their ability.
• If a gentleman says to a lady "I understand you perfectly", he means "You are talking twice as much as necessary"!
• If it is right to leave your husband, then he will definitely return ... like a boomerang.
• If you want to bring a person to sclerosis, give him a loan.
• Looking at how some accumulate good, others begin to accumulate evil.
• There are so many interesting things in this life and so few people who are interested.
• If you want to marry smart, beautiful and rich, marry three times.
• Sclerosis cannot be cured, but you can forget about it.
• If you cannot be a star in the sky, at least become a lamp in the house.
• A man, even if he could understand what a woman thinks, he still would not believe.
• The best way to organize a panic is to ask everyone to remain calm.
• Everyone wants to have a good time, but you can't.
• Tell me I'm wrong and I'll tell you who you are.
• What a pity that you are finally leaving! ..
• Lost conscience. I ask the finder not to worry and keep it for yourself.

Life is ten percent what you do in it, and ninety percent how you take it.

In life, he always lacked convolutions.

Life is taken over by those who cling to it.

If everyone tries to put the last dot, you get an ellipsis.

Women and money are the causes of most mistakes in life.

Life is too short to waste just one moment...

It has always been and will always be like this in life: some plow, while others write about it. And most often those who write are valued many times more than those who plow.

So we live out of habit until we ourselves become someone else's habit.

We often agree and find positive aspects in everything, primarily because we do not want to complicate our lives.

Cool thoughts about life

There are so many funny things in life that you want to cry.

The best funny thoughts about life

Life is arranged in such a way that even a person will be reproached for excessive perfection.

We need to perceive life as a gift that we can share with others.

Read what Life writes in small print.

Surrounding themselves with noise, people have forgotten how to hear their souls. Surrounding themselves with walls, they forgot how to see the colors of life. Having filled the cities with the smells of perfumes, burning and exhausts, they ceased to distinguish the smells of life. Having protected themselves from others, they forgot what they carry in themselves with simple touches. Having forgotten how to feel, we have forgotten how to live.

Drop everything you have; forget everything you know... Only in this way will you know about everything, and you will gain the whole world.

Life is full of theatrical scenes. Everyone needs their true reincarnation. The incentive gives good communication and the search for a golden mean.

All life consists of things that we either realize or not.

My life is an indivisible whole, and all my actions and activities are interconnected, and they all arise from an unquenchable love for humanity.

I don't want to be different. I don't think I'm better than the rest. You're not better or worse, you're just different.

Life sets conditions for us, with which we either fight or put up... So the choice is ours: either fight with the possibility of winning, or put up with the guarantee of losing...

Rocket type "Life - death".

Beautiful funny thoughts about life

Convicted of deviating from life, he was sentenced to its vegetable variety.

Play with life - you can lose.

This life has already been established, it's time to start looking for the necessary connections for arranging the next life.

A person throughout his life is busy overloading his own future into the past.

Life is too short to be taken seriously.

Collectors have made a lot of noise because of the beautiful sounds of Stradivari violins...

Probably, just as few people will be surprised by the farewell tour of any artist, unless he promises to shoot himself at the last concert ...

Who knows, maybe life was given to us as a punishment for those crimes that we committed somewhere in another world? Perhaps our life is hell, and the churchmen are mistaken, promising us hellish torments after death.

Appreciate even the bitter days of life, having left, they will not return either.

Youth is content with paradoxes, maturity with proverbs, old age with aphorisms.

There are only two life strategies: some prefer to get out of the next garbage pit, others - to climb to a new peak. There is no third.

To appease life, they sacrifice themselves.

Happiness is difficult: we would like something easier.

Life is like a spring: with what you load it with joy and useful deeds, with such a return it will thank you and your descendants.

I change the framework of life for freedom - no surrender is necessary.

You need to live in such a way that as long as possible you do not get bored with the Lord God.

Life is a dark forest, where it is easier to get lost than to find some right path.

Life is a miracle, and every moment of it is beautiful.

Make me whatever you want. At least it was scary. Still, life is not good for me.

How many people are still asking: life, rush to help me, but do not rush to help me.

When the people are a camel and the ruler is a driver, then life is but a mirage.

Life is undoubtedly a tragedy, because, no matter how its scenario develops, the protagonist eventually dies.

Not everyone manages to find their place in life.

Unusual funny thoughts about life

Life has no value until it is valued.

If life has given a crack, then it is not at all necessary to climb into it.

Life does not tolerate fuss: yesterday - queues of people, today - traffic jams.

Life begins when we first realize how near its end is.

There is nothing absolute in life, and we know this for sure.

Is life worth living?

Life is the breath of the Lord.

Life is measured not by years, but by labors.

By reducing desires, we lengthen life.

I have the impression that two tickets have been sold for my place in life ...

To hear yourself, you must first learn to hear others.

We cannot change the mistakes of the past. But we have to redeem them and the future, so as not to repeat them.

Once you get used to the good life, it immediately gets better...

You and I are strangers at this celebration of life.

He feared life more than death.

Various funny thoughts about life

If life does not seem to you a great joy, it is only because your mind is misdirected.

Best of all, a person lives in those moments when he does not know that it is possible to live better.
Anthony Kiedis

Very few people live for today. Most prepare to live later.
Jonathan Swift

True courage lies in loving life knowing the whole truth about it.
Sergei Dovlatov

Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
John Lennon

Life is methodically surviving us from all ages.
Valery Afonchenko

Life with a wife is not easy, but life without her is generally impossible.
Cato the Elder

Our life position is often incompatible with life.
Stas Yankovsky

If you inflate your joys to the size of troubles, then you can get pleasure from them.
Mikhail Zhvanetsky

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately, killing his students.
Mark Twain

You need to learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to do them all on your own.
Hyman George Rickover

One cannot do without a good sense of humor in life. As one aphorism says, it is humor that can make the unbearable bearable, which, in principle, helps a lot in everyday life. Therefore, in almost any life situation, ironic phrases and funny statements about life help to look at your situation from a new angle - the angle of humor.

Ignore minor flaws; remember: you also have large ones.
Benjamin Franklin

Do not be afraid of big expenses, be afraid of small incomes.
John Rockefeller

Forgiving your enemies is the best way to piss them off.
Oscar Wilde

Just because you're alone doesn't mean you're crazy.
Stephen King

There is a test to determine if your mission on earth is completed or not. If you are still alive, then it is not finished.
Richard Bach

A successful person is one who is able to build a solid foundation from the stones that others throw at him.
David Brinkley

A vital ingredient of success is not knowing that what you have in mind is impossible to achieve.
Terence Pratchett

A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity, while an optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.
Winston Churchill

Everyone wants to change humanity, but no one thinks about how to change themselves.
Lev Tolstoy

If the problem can be solved with money, then it is not a problem. It's just expenses.
Henry Ford

If you take everything too seriously, you will be afraid to take each new step. Relax and laugh, especially when things go as planned, read funny sayings about life. People with a good sense of humor are easier to live.

Money does not buy happiness, but it is much more pleasant to be unhappy with it.
Claire Booth Lyos

Anything that is not enjoyable is called work.
Bertolt Brecht

A good decision made too late is a mistake.
Lee Iacocca

Live like this is your last day, and one day it will be. And you will be fully equipped.
George Carlin

History teaches us, at least, that it can always be worse.
Neil Gaiman

Try to get what you love, otherwise you will have to love what you got.
Bernard Show

You cannot have everything. Where would you put it all?
Stephen Wright

Life is a cross in which everyone strives to get ahead in order to come to the finish line last.
Vladimir Khochinsky

Life is a circus where everyone dreams of becoming a director or an artist, but most become trained animals.
Stas Yankovsky

If you want life to become brighter, stop darkening.
Anatoly Rakhmatov

Of course, humor is subjective. May or may not like it. But we tried to collect only the best funny sayings about life that will appeal to everyone.

Do not complain about life - this could not have happened either.

If you want to do something stupid, hurry up, otherwise they will get ahead of you!

Everyone is so afraid of becoming a nobody in this life that they become just anyone.

When life tests, nerves are the first to fail.

You need to live in such a way that others have depression.

Years will pass ... And I was right: the years have passed!

Nothing in life is more inspiring than being shot at and missed.

Where we are not, it is good precisely because we are not there.

Just lay down, and already nailed up!

In life, anything happens, but over the years less and less.

No one has died from laughter yet. And no one grew old from laughter. They say there are no old quotes, but there are old people who love to retell them... So the humor about life is forever young. Or even immortal.

Sometimes happiness falls so unexpectedly that you do not have time to jump aside.

Everything is going well. Just past...

While measuring seven times, others cut off.

Happiness is when your desires are shocked by your possibilities.

Well, where we do not. It's bad that we're not where it's good.

Better to be hungry than cold.

The best exit is the entrance.

Try to die as young as possible as late as possible!

Don't go with the flow. Don't swim against the current. Swim where you want!

Direct your thoughts where you should, otherwise they will direct you where you don't need to.

Faith in the best and a sense of humor perfectly help to cope with any troubles in life. And sometimes a word helps much more than anything else. A funny phrase can charge you with such a portion of positive that you can move mountains.

If no one is jealous of you, ask yourself, are you living the right way?

Life is given once. Once again, I wouldn't be able to resist.

How much has not been done in this life! How much more to do...

In life there is always a place do not care!

Respect old age, this is your future.

A person's life is calculated in moments that he wants to stop.

Human relationships are sometimes so complex that we replace them with others that are simpler.

Life is not as easy as you think... It is easier...

Sometimes it's only when you miss that you realize how you hit.

The beauty of life is that it is not sugar.

A sense of humor is a kind of "Esperanto", a universal code of communication for all people and nations. Therefore, funny statements will be clear to everyone. So these quotes can be safely shared on social networks as statuses. After all, it is humor that fills our lives with joyful, life-affirming, optimistically encouraging laughter!