Monologues of entertainers. Semyon Altov

Altov Semyon

climb

(stories)

Violation

P o t about in about th (stops the car). Sergeant Petrov! I'll ask for documents!

Driver. Good afternoon!

P o s t o v o y. Documents are yours! Rights!

Driver. And don't speak. Very hot.

P o s t o v o y. Rights!

Driver. BUT?

P o s t o v o y. Are you hard of hearing?

Driver. Speak louder.

P about with about in about th (shouts). You broke the rules! Your rights!

Driver. You're right. Very hot. I'm all wet. And you?

P o s t o v o y. Are you deaf? What sign is up? What sign is hanging?

Driver. Where?

P o s t o v o y. Wow, upstairs!

Driver. I see I'm not deaf.

P o s t o v o y. Red with yellow at the top, what is it for?

Driver. By the way, something hangs there, it is necessary to remove it - it distracts.

P o s t o v o y. In the middle on a yellow background, what blackens such red?

Driver. Louder, very hot!

P o s t o v o y. You deaf?

Driver. I have bad sight.

P o s t o v o y. Deaf and even blind, or what?!

Driver. I can not hear!

P o s t o v o y. How did you get behind the wheel?

Driver. Thanks, I don't smoke. Yes, don't worry. There are two people in the car. One sees, the other hears! And I'm driving.

P o s t o v o y. The black arrow to the right is crossed out. What does it mean? I can not hear.

Driver. Are you deaf? Crossed out? Wrong, put, then crossed out.

P o s t o v o y. Are you out of your mind? This means you can't turn right.

Driver. Who told you?

P o s t o v o y. What do you think I am, an idiot?

Driver. You take on a lot. Where do you think I went?

P o s t o v o y. We turned right.

Driver. What are you? I turned left. You're just on the wrong side.

P o s t o v o y. God! Where is your left?

Driver. Here is my left. Here's the left hand, here's the right! And you?

P o s t o v o y. Ugh! Well, there goes a passer-by, let's ask him. Thank God, we are not all idiots. Comrade! Answer: which hand is left, which is right?

Passer-by (stretching at attention). Guilty!

P o s t o v o y. I don't ask for your last name. Which hand is left, which is right?

P r o h o g and y. The first time I've heard.

P o s t o v o y. Not otherwise in a crazy house open day. What is your left hand right?

P r o h o g and y. Personally, I have this one on the left and this one on the right. Or has it been renamed since today?

Driver. But you did not believe, comrade sergeant. You see, our hands are the same, but yours are mixed up.

CONSTANT (looks at his hands in bewilderment). I don't understand anything.

P r o h o g and y. I can go?

P o s t o v o y. Go, go!

P r o h o g and y. Where?

P o s t o v o y. Go straight ahead without turning anywhere, and get out of here!

P r o h o g and y. Thanks for the hint. And then I’m walking for two hours, I can’t understand where! (Exits.)

Driver. You need to do something with your hands. I won't tell anyone, but your job could get in trouble.

P o s t o v o y. And I'm talking about you to no one. Ride! Yes, when you turn left, well, you turn right, there is no passage there, a cliff. But you can go there.

Pets' corner

It started on the seventeenth. I don’t remember the year and month, but the fact that the twenty-third of September is for sure. I was then promoted from an enterprise to skydive for precision landing. I landed more accurately than anyone, since the rest of the participants could not be pushed out of the plane.

For this, at the meeting, they handed me a letter and a healthy cactus. I could not refuse, I dragged the freak home. I put it on the window and forgot about it. Moreover, I was instructed to navigate the terrain for the honor of the team.

And then one day, I don’t remember the year and month, but the date crashed - May 10, 1969 - I woke up in a cold sweat. You won't believe it - a huge red bud was blazing on the cactus! The flower had such an effect on me that for the first time in many years of impeccable service, I was three minutes late, for which they cut off the thirteenth salary from me so that others would be disrespectful.

A few days later, the flower wrinkled and fell off the cactus. The room became dark and sad.

That's when I started collecting cacti. In two years I had fifty pieces!

Having familiarized myself with special literature, for which I had to learn the Mexican language, I managed to create excellent conditions for cacti at home, not inferior to natural ones. But it turned out that a person in them survives with difficulty.

Therefore, for a long time I could not adapt to the conditions that I created for cacti. But every day a red bud burned on one of the cacti!

I started a correspondence with cactus growers of different countries and peoples, exchanged seeds with them. And then somehow, I don’t remember in what month, but I remember that on the twenty-fifth of 1971, some idiot from Brazil sent red grains. I foolishly planted. This disgrace grew very quickly. But when I realized what it was, it was too late! A hefty baobabishe took root in the floor, climbed out of the window with branches and stuck around the windows of the neighbors from above. They filed in a friendly court. I was sentenced to a fine of twenty-five rubles and was ordered to monthly cut the branches of the neighbors from above and chop off the roots of the neighbors from below.

What kind of seeds were not sent! Soon I had lemons, bananas and pineapples. Someone wrote to work that he did not understand how I could afford such a table with my salary. I was invited to the local committee, instructed to collect money for a gift to Vasiliev and visit him: “After all, the person is sick. He hasn't been to work for two months. Maybe he's thirsty."

I'm probably confusing the chronology, but in the fall, after dinner, a man came to me with a briefcase. We drank tea with banana jam, chatted, and before leaving he said: “Excuse me, I feel that you love the plant world in general and the animal world in particular. I'm leaving for a month to sail, let Leshka stay with you this time.

He took Leshka out of the briefcase. It was a python. I never saw that person again, and we still live side by side with Leshka. He really likes diet eggs, dumplings and a neighbor on the site, Claudia Petrovna.

Soon journalists began to come to me. They took pictures, interviewed and pineapples.

I'm afraid to make a mistake in the chronology, but in the year when I gathered an unprecedented crop of coconuts for our latitudes, young naturalists from the zoo brought a little tiger cub Caesar. In the same fruitful year, the sailors of the Krym ship gave me two lion cubs as a gift.

Stepan and Masha.

I never thought you could eat like that! All wages and pineapples not eaten by journalists were exchanged for meat. And still had to mess around. But I didn't feed in vain. A year later I had two decent lions and one tiger in the house. Or two tigers and one lion? Although what does it matter?

When Caesar got together with Masha, I thought I would go crazy! Stepan gave me wild scenes. And with grief he killed the ostrich Hippolyta. But my bed was freed up, because I threw out the nest that Hippolyte made in it as unnecessary.

One morning, while taking a bath, I felt that I was not taking it alone. And exactly.

Some hooligans planted a crocodile!

Six months later, the crocodile brought offspring, although I still don’t understand where he brought it from, since he was alone. The newspapers wrote that this was "a rare case, because captive crocodiles breed with difficulty." Why shouldn't he breed? I came home from work and in this captivity I felt at home!

Only once did I lose heart and, as advised, left the door open for the night. They said someone might leave. The results exceeded all expectations. Not only did no one leave, in the morning I found three more cats, one mongrel and a neighbor whose wife had left. The next morning, a woman from forty-two asked to come to us, to whom her husband returned, and a pensioner who suffered greatly from loneliness. And how do you order to put a couple with a one-year-old child? They said: “We can no longer live with our mother-in-law. Whatever you want, then do it! Allocated them a place near the baobab.

And the people moved. A month later, our tribe numbered fifteen people, including animals. We live together. In the evenings we gather around the fire, some sing, others howl softly, but everyone keeps the melody!

Not so long ago there was a tour. People from another city came to look at our living corner. Everyone left except the tour guide. She followed the next group.

Yes, once anonymous was. “Why do so many unregistered living creatures live illegally on an area of ​​thirty-three square meters, while my husband and I huddle together on an area of ​​thirty-two square meters? Why are we worse than their cattle?” We know who wrote. This is from the thirty-fourth Tonka Heavy Hand. They dog ​​with her husband, fight until bruises, and then they say that, they say, the animals are unbelted, they stick to unfamiliar women!

Oh, to unleash Caesar and Stepan on them! Come on. Well, it turns out that if you live with wolves, then everyone howls like wolves, or what?

Semyon Altov
From the book "Carousel" 1989
alien passenger
Ultramarine Tube
birthday girl
Last time
Who's there?
Around the world
Good upbringing
Masterpiece
Felicita
bites
Chain length
choir
Once upon a time there were two neighbors
Swan, crayfish and pike
Press
La-min!
Glasses
Glass
Smuggler
Letter to Zaitsev
To the left side
Reserve
For money
Hercules
monster
The mountain came to Mohammed...
trait
box
Hedgehog
True
traffic accident
On September 16 this year, an accident occurred on Posadskaya Street. Truck driver Kubykin, noticing a woman who was standing at a pedestrian crossing, braked to let a pedestrian pass. Citizen Rybets, to whom no car or even a horse had ever given way in her life, continued to stand, waiting for the car to pass.
Kubykin, making sure that the woman was not going to cross, started off. Rybets, seeing that the truck was moving slowly, figured that, as usual, she would have time to slip through, and rushed across the road. The driver braked sharply and made a gesture with his hand, they say, come in, citizen!
Rybets interpreted the gesture in the sense of "get out before you move!" and darted back to the sidewalk, waiting, in her words, "when this psycho passes." The driver, deciding that the woman was strange, gave a warning horn just in case.
Rybets realized that he was buzzing, mistaking her for a deaf person, and shook her head, saying that I'm not as deaf as you think.
Kubykin regarded the shaking of his head as "I refuse to cross" and, nodding, drove off. Rybets decided that with a nod he made it clear: "I'm going slowly, you'll slip through!" and rushed across. The truck is up. Rybets stopped, not knowing how fast he would go, without which it would be impossible to calculate how fast he should run across.
Kubykin came to the conclusion that the woman was crazy. Backing up, he disappeared around the corner so that she would calm down and cross. Rybets figured out the maneuver like this: the driver wants to accelerate and jump out at full speed! So I didn't move on.
When Kubykin drove around the corner forty minutes later, the woman was standing on the pavement as if rooted to the spot. The truck backed away, unsure what to expect from her. Kubykin, having a presentiment that this would not end well, decided to make a detour, to pass by another road. When the truck disappeared again, Rybets, not knowing what this guy was up to, in a panic rushed to run through the passage yards, shouting: "They are killing, save!"
At 19.00 at the corner of Posadskaya and Bebel they flew towards each other. Kubykin barely had time to slow down. Rybets barely had time to cross herself.
Realizing that "without crushing her, the truck will not leave," she showed Kubykin the fig, they say, you won't crush it!
Kubykin, who, according to him, already had circles before his eyes, saw a figurine in a red circle, mistook it for a road sign "Driver! Free the roadway!" and drove onto the sidewalk, freeing the highway for an idiot.
Rybets, realizing that the driver was drunk on the board and would crush it on the sidewalk, where strangers could get hurt, made the only right decision: she rushed towards the car, deciding to take the blow on herself.
Kubykin backed up. The fish did the same. So they maneuvered for three hours. It began to get dark.
And then it dawned on Kubykin: his aunt was well run over in childhood, and he obviously looks like a driver who did not crush her! So that she would not be afraid of him, Kubykin pulled black tights over his face, which he bought for his wife. Looking closely, Rybets recognized in Kubykin a particularly dangerous criminal, whose photo was published in the newspaper. Rybets decided to neutralize him and with a cry of "Hurrah!" threw a can of milk at the car. Kubykin turned aside and crashed into a lamppost, which, falling, crushed a certain Sidorchuk, who had indeed been wanted by the police for five years.
So, thanks to the decisive actions of citizens, a particularly dangerous criminal was detained.
________________________________________________________________________
alien passenger
The mourners had already left the cars when a man with a suitcase rushed along the platform.
Having reached the sixth car, he stumbled into the vestibule and, handing the ticket to the conductor, sighed: "Fuu, you barely made it!"
- Just a minute! - strictly said the girl in the cap. We succeeded, but not there. This is not your train!
- How not mine? Whose? the passenger was frightened.
- Our twenty-fifth, and yours on the twenty-eighth. He left an hour ago! Goodbye! The conductor shoved the man onto the platform.
The locomotive hooted, and the train slowly moved off.
-- Wait! shouted the passenger, picking up speed along with the train. - I bought a ticket! Let's get in! He gripped the railing with his hand.
- I'll get you in! ' snapped the conductor. - Put your hands back! Do not paw someone else's train! Run to the ticket office, change your ticket, then sit down if you catch up! Or blow to the foreman! He is in the tenth carriage!
The citizen increased his speed and, having caught up with the tenth car, yelled out the open window:
-- Sorry! I have a ticket for the sixth car, and she says: not on my train!
The brigadier straightening his cap in front of the mirror, without turning around, said:
- I have a detour now. If it's not difficult, drop by in thirty minutes!
Half an hour later he returned and, taking a ticket through the window, began to look at it.
-- Everything is fine! They're printing, right? You won't understand a damn thing! Tell Galya, I allowed it.
The passenger slowed down and, having caught up with the sixth carriage, shouted:
-- Check mark! It's me! Greetings from the brigadier! He said: put me down!
The girl looked at the ticket with displeasure:
-- "He said"! You are in thirteenth place! Here! And a woman is already riding it!
Unmarried! What are you going to do with her on the same shelf? I won't plant! So tell the brigadier!
The man cursed and ran to investigate.
The train had long picked up speed and rumbled at the joints. Passengers began to lay out dinner on the tables.
“But comrade is running well. At his age, I used to run out in the morning too!
said the passenger in the tracksuit, chewing on a sausage sandwich. "I bet he'll be home before us!" The passenger in the bean bag stopped slicing the cucumber and remarked:
- On asphalt, everyone can. Let's see how he goes through the swamp, dear!
... The man with the suitcase continued to wander along the highway along the train from the conductor to the foreman and back. He was already in shorts, a T-shirt, but with a tie. At this time, the auditors went through the cars.
- Who is running there?
“Yes, like from our train,” someone said.
- From yours? The inspector leaned out the window. -- Comrade! Hey! Do you have a ticket?
The runner nodded and reached into his shorts for a ticket.
-- No need! I believe! People need to believe! said the inspector, addressing the passengers.
- Run, comrade! Run yourself, since there is a ticket. And then, you know, some strive for a hare! At public expense! Bon Voyage!
In the compartment were a grandmother with her granddaughter and two men. Grandmother began to feed the girl with a spoon, saying:
- It's for mom! This is for dad! This is for that uncle who runs to his grandmother!
At the same time, the men clinked glasses and repeated: "For dad! For mom! For that guy!"
The conductor went to deliver tea. Passing by the window behind which the passenger loomed, she asked:
- Shall we drink tea?
He shook his head.
- Well, as you wish! My job is to propose! - the conductor was offended.
The passengers began to go to bed. Four women rushed around the carriage for a long time, changing places with their neighbors in order to find themselves in the same compartment without men. After a long trade, we managed to exchange the entire girl's coupe. Happy, the women were lazily dressing for bed, and then a lady in a red robe noticed a running man with a suitcase in the window.
-- Girls! He saw everything! - She indignantly tore the curtain, and she, of course, fell with a metal pin on the table. Women squealed, hiding their charms in all directions.
Finally, the curtain was adjusted, and in the dark they talked for a long time about how impudent the peasants were and where to get them. Relaxed by memories, dozed off. And then a lady in a tracksuit jumped up:
- Girls, listen, what is he doing? It hoots like a locomotive!
- Yes, this is a steam locomotive! said the woman from the bottom shelf.
-- No need! The locomotive does this: "Uuuu...", and this one: "uuuu!". I'm having bad dreams! The lady in the red coat tapped on the glass.
- Can you be quieter? You are not alone here.
... The man ran. Maybe he got a second wind, but he ran with some kind of shining eye. And suddenly he sang: "Across the valleys and over the hills ..."
An old man in Panama, who was reading a newspaper and moving his nose short-sightedly over the lines, listened and said:
- Sang! Absolutely crazy! Escaped from the hospital!
“Not from any hospital,” the pajama-wearing man yawned. -Hitchhiking is called! People are hitchhiking. So the whole country can be run around. Cheap, comfortable and you feel like a person, because you do not depend on anyone. You run through the fresh air, and here it’s stuffy and someone will definitely snore!
Necessarily!
The conductor of the sixth car sat in the compartment and drank tea noisily, looking out the window.
There, in the light of rare lanterns, a man with a suitcase flickered. Under his arm, out of nowhere, he had a banner: "Welcome to the city of Kalinin!"
And then the conductor could not stand it. Almost falling out the window, she yelled:
- Are you kidding me?! There is no rest day or night! Ripple in your eyes! Get outta here!
The passenger smiled strangely, blew his horn, and rushed forward.
A heavy man with a suitcase in his right hand and his wife in his left rushed towards him at full speed from Moscow and hummed incessantly.
________________________________________________________________________
Ultramarine Tube
Burchikhin drank the first glass of beer competently, in four gulps. He poured a second glass from the bottle, watched the foam move, and raised it to his mouth. He let the bursting bubbles tickle his lip and lustfully surrendered himself to the tingling cold moisture.
After yesterday, the beer acted like living water. Burchikhin closed his eyes blissfully, stretching out the pleasure in small sips... and then he felt someone's eyes on him. "Here's the bastard!" thought Vitya, somehow finished his beer, put the glass loudly on the soiled table and looked around. Two tables away sat a skinny guy in a blue sweater, a long scarf wrapped around a non-existent neck, holding a three-colored fountain pen. Tip threw tenacious glances at Burchikhin, as if checking him against something, and ran his fountain pen over the paper.
- Inventory of property, or what?! - Burchikhin said hoarsely, spat and went to the skinny one.
He smiled as he continued to scribble on the paper.
Burchikhin walked up heavily and looked at the sheet. Kuzmin's native street was painted there, and on it ... Burchikhin! The houses were green, Vitya was purple! But the most terrible thing was that Burchikhin was not like Burchikhin!
The painted Burchikhin differed from the original in a clean-shaven face, cheerful eyes, and a kind smile. He held himself unnaturally upright, with defiant pride! Vitino's figure was fitted by a beautifully tailored suit. The badge of some institute was red on the lapel. On her feet are red shoes, and around her neck is the same tie.
In a word, dude!
Burchikhin did not remember a greater insult, although there was something to remember.
-- So! - Vitya said hoarsely, straightening the collar of his wrinkled shirt. - Mazyukai? And who allowed you to abuse people?! If you don't know how to draw, sit down and drink beer!
Who is this, well, who, who? Am I?! Yes, even in a tie! Ugh!
"It's you," smiled the artist. -- Of course, you. Only I allowed myself to imagine what you could be! After all, as an artist, I have the right to fiction?
Burchikhin thought, staring at the paper.
- As an artist you have. What's sticking out of your pocket?
- Yes, it's a handkerchief!
"Say it too, handkerchief!" - Vitya blew his nose. “But why did you invent such eyes?” He combed his hair, the main thing. You got a good chin, I know. Burchikhin, sighing, laid a heavy hand on the thin man's shoulder. - Listen, friend, maybe you're right? I didn't do anything wrong to you. Why would you make it up? Right? And I shave, wash, change clothes - I will be like in the picture!
Easy!
Burchikhin looked into his clear violet eyes, tried to smile with a painted smile, and felt pain in his cheekbone from the disturbed scratch.
- Will you?
Vitya held out a pack of "Belomor" broken in half.
The artist took a cigarette. We lit up.
-- And what's that? asked Burchikhin, carefully touching the drawn line on his cheek, and sat down at the table.
“A scar,” the artist explained, “now you have a scratch there. She will live, but the trace will remain.
Stay, you say? It's a pity. A good cheek could be. What's the icon for?
The artist leaned towards the paper.
“It says Technological Institute.”
Do you think I'll finish college? asked Burchikhin quietly.
The artist shrugged.
-- You same see! Step in and finish.
- And what is expected in the family plan? Victor nervously threw away his cigarette.
The artist took a fountain pen and sketched a green female silhouette on the balcony of the house.
He leaned back in his chair, looked at the drawing, and scratched a child's figure next to it.
-- Girl? asked Burchikhin in falsetto.
-- Boy.
- Who is the woman? Judging by the dress, Lucy?! Who else has a green dress?
“Galya,” the artist corrected.
- Galya! Ha ha! That's what I notice, she doesn't want to see me! And that means flirting! Well, women, tell me, yes? Vitya laughed, not feeling the pain of the scratch. And you are a good man! He slapped the artist on the narrow back. - Do you want a beer?
The artist swallowed his saliva and whispered:
-- Highly! I really want beer!
Burchikhin called the waiter.
- A couple of Zhiguli! No, four!
Vitya poured beer, and they silently began to drink. Emerging in the middle of the second glass, the artist gasped and asked:
-- What is your name?
- I'm Burchikhin!
- You see, Burchikhin, I'm actually a marine painter.
- I understand, - said Vitya, - they are treating it now.
- Here, here, - the artist was delighted. - I need to draw the sea. My lungs are bad. I need to go south to the sea. To ultramarine! This color is useless here. And I love ultramarine undiluted, pure. Like sea! Imagine
Burchikhin, the sea! Living Sea! Waves, rocks and foam!
They poured foam from their glasses under the table and lit a cigarette.
"Don't worry," Burchikhin said. -- Well?! Everything will be fine! You sit in shorts by the sea with ultramarine! You have everything ahead of you!
-- Truth?! - The artist's eyes flashed and became as drawn. - Do you think I'll be there?
-- What are you talking about? Vitya answered. - You will be by the sea, you will forget about your lungs, you will become a great artist, you will buy a house, a yacht!
- Say too - a yacht! The artist shook his head thoughtfully. -Is it a boat, huh?
-- Of course! And even better - both a boy and a girl! Here on the balcony you can easily fit a girl! - Burchikhin embraced the artist by the shoulders, which took half an arm from elbow to palm. - Listen, friend, sell the canvas!
The artist winced.
- How can you?! I will never sell you! Do you want to donate?
“Thank you,” Victor said. -- Thank you friend! Just take your tie off your neck: I can't see it on myself - it's hard to breathe!
The artist scratched the paper, and the tie turned into the shadow of a jacket. Burchikhin carefully took the paper and, holding it in front of him, walked between the tables, smiling his painted smile, stepping ever more firmly and confidently. The artist finished his beer, took out a clean sheet and put it on the wet table. Smiling, he gently stroked his side pocket, where an unopened tube of ultramarine lay. Then he looked up at the snotty boy at the next table. On his arm was tattooed: "There is no happiness in life." The artist painted a purple sea. Scarlet boat. Green gallant captain on deck...
________________________________________________________________________
birthday girl
- More attention to everyone! the director said. So let's have a birthday party. I will ask you, Galochka, to write down the persons who this year turn forty, fifty, sixty, and so on until the end. Let's all celebrate on Friday. And so that this day will be engraved in the memory of people, we will give ten forty-year-olds, twenty for fifty-year-olds, and so on to the end.
An hour later the list was ready. The director ran his eyes over him and shuddered:
-- What?! Why does Efimova M.I. turn one hundred and forty years old?! Do you think you are writing?
The secretary was offended:
- And how old can she be if she was born in 1836?
- Some kind of nonsense. The director dialed the number. - Petrov? Again a mess!
Why is Efimova M.I. one hundred and forty years old? Is she working as a monument to us?! Is it written in the passport?.. Did you see it yourself?! M-yes. Here is a woman working.
The director dropped his pipe and lit a cigarette. “Some kind of idiocy! If for forty years we give ten rubles, for one hundred and forty ... one hundred and ten rubles, take it out and put it down, right ?!
This cunning woman Efimova M.I.! Damn her! Let everything be beautiful. At the same time, there will be an incentive for the rest. For that kind of money, anyone will live up to a hundred and forty!
The next day, a poster appeared in the lobby: "Congratulations to the birthdays!" Below three columns were last names, age and age-appropriate amounts. Against the name of Efimova M.I. stood: "140 years - 110 rubles."
People crowded around the poster, checked their names with those written, as with a lottery table, sighed and went to congratulate the lucky ones. Marya Ivanovna Efimova was approached uncertainly. They looked at her for a long time. They shrugged and congratulated.
At first, Marya Ivanovna, laughing, said: "Stop it! This is a joke! They wrote the year of birth in my passport by mistake, but in fact it was 1936! That's a typo, do you understand?!"
Colleagues nodded their heads, shook hands with her and said: "Well, nothing, nothing, don't be upset! You look great! No one will give you more than eighty, honestly!" From such compliments Marya Ivanovna became ill.
At home, she drank valerian, lay down on the sofa, and then the phone began to ring.
Friends, relatives and complete strangers called, who heartily congratulated Marya Ivanovna on a wonderful anniversary.
Then they brought three more telegrams, two bouquets and one wreath. And at ten o'clock in the evening, a sonorous childish voice on the telephone said:
-- Hello! We, students of the 308th school, have created a museum of Field Marshal Kutuzov!
We want to invite you as a participant in the battle of Borodino...
"Shame on you, boy! cried Marya Ivanovna, choking on her validol. - The Battle of Borodino was in 1812! And I'm born in 1836!
You have the wrong number! She hung up the phone.
Marya Ivanovna slept badly and called the ambulance twice.
On Friday by 17.00 everything was ready for the celebrations. Above the workplace Efimova attached a sign with the inscription: "Efimova M.I. works here 1836--1976."
At half past five the assembly hall was full. The director went to the podium and said:
- Comrades! Today we want to congratulate our birthdays, and first of all - Efimova M.I.!
There was applause in the hall.
-- That's who should take the example of our youth! I would like to believe that over time our youth will become the oldest in the world! All these years Efimova M.I. was an executive worker! She always enjoyed the respect of the team! We will never forget Efimova, a competent engineer and a pleasant woman!
Someone in the hall sobbed.
"No need for tears, comrades!" Efimova is still alive! I want her to remember this solemn day for a long time! Therefore, let's give her a valuable gift in the amount of one hundred and ten rubles, wish her further success, and most importantly, as they say, health! Enter the birthday girl!
To the roar of applause, two vigilantes brought Marya Ivanovna onto the stage and seated her in a chair.
- Here it is - our pride! The director's voice rang out. -Look, will you give her a hundred and forty years?! Never! This is what caring for a person does to people!
________________________________________________________________________
Last time
The closer to school, the more nervous Galina Vasilievna. She mechanically straightened a strand that hadn't come out from under her kerchief and, forgetting herself, talked to herself.
"When will this end?! There is not a week without being called to school! In the sixth grade, such a bully, but he will grow up?! And you spoil, and beat, and how they teach on TV - you suffer! six months, and then all of a sudden he hits back? Look how healthy! He went to Petra!" thought Galina Vasilievna proudly.
Climbing the stairs, she stood for a long time in front of the director's office, not daring to enter. But then the door opened and Fyodor Nikolayevich, the director, came out.
Seeing Serezha's mother, he smiled and, grabbing her by the arm, dragged her into the office.
“Here’s the thing…” he began.
Galina Vasilievna looked tensely into the eyes of the director, not hearing the words, trying to determine the amount of material damage caused by Seryozhka this time by the timbre of her voice.
"That doesn't happen every day at our school," the principal said. - Yes, you sit down! We do not want to leave this act unattended.
“Then ten rubles for the glass,” Galina Vasilyevna recalled wistfully, “then Kuksova for the briefcase with which Seryozhka Ryndin beat, eight fifty!
Causing bodily harm to the skeleton from the zoology room - twenty rubles!
Twenty rubles per kilo of bones! Well, the prices! What am I, a millionaire, or what?!
"
“Listen to the letter we received…” came Galina Vasilievna.
“God!” she gasped. “What kind of punishment is this?
Nothing for himself, but he ... "
- "The management of the metal plant," the director read with an expression, "requests gratitude and awards a valuable gift to a student of your school Parshin Sergey Petrovich, who committed a heroic deed. Sergey Petrovich, risking his life, carried three children out of a burning kindergarten ... "
"One - three," Galina Vasilievna repeated to herself. - And how did one cope with three ?! Poured bandit! Why do others have children like children? Kirillova's Vitka plays the trumpet! Lozanova has a girl who, as soon as she comes home from school, sleeps until evening!
Where does this one disappear all day? I bought a piano from a thrift store. Old, but there are keys! So at least once without a seat belt?! Scales by heart will not perform!
"There is no rumor"! What does he have?!"
- That's it, dear Galina Vasilievna! What a guy we raised!
Took three kids out of the fire! This has never happened before in our school! And we won't leave it like that! Tomorrow is...
"Of course, don't leave it," Galina Vasilievna closed her eyes. : "Mommy!
Last time! Mommy!" Lord! And then all over again! Yesterday, in soot and soot, he appeared as if they were cleaning pipes! It would be better to die ... "
“I expect him tomorrow morning before the solemn line. We will announce everything there! The director finished with a smile.
- Comrade Director! Last time! - Galina Vasilievna jumped up, mechanically crumpling in her hands the form that lay on the table. I promise you, this won't happen again!
-- But why? The director gently opened her fist and took the slip. -If a boy at the age of thirteen did such a thing, then what is he capable of in the future?!
Can you imagine if all of us were like this?
-- God forbid! whispered Galina Vasilievna.
The director walked her to the door and shook her hand warmly.
- You can mark your son at home as best you can!
In the street, Galina Vasilievna stood for a moment, breathing deeply so as not to burst into tears.
- If there was a husband, he would mark it as it should be! And I'm a woman, what will I do with him? Everyone has fathers, but he doesn't! It's growing on its own! Well, I'll beat you up... She went to the store, bought two bottles of milk and one cream cake.
- I'll beat you up, then I'll give you milk and cake - and sleep! And there, you see, he will go crazy, he will become a man ...
________________________________________________________________________
Who's there?
Galya once again checked whether the windows were closed, hid the matches and, sitting down by the mirror, said, separating the words from her lips with movements of lipstick:
- Svetochka, mom went to the hairdresser ... A pleasant male voice will ring, you will say: "Mom has already left." This is a hairdresser ... A nasty female voice will call and ask: "Where is Galina Petrovna?" This is from work. You say: "She went to the clinic ... to be discharged!" Don't mix it up. You are a smart girl. You are six years old.
“There will be seven,” Sveta corrected.
- There will be seven. Do you remember who can open the door?
“I remember,” Sveta replied. - No one.
-- Right! Galya licked her painted lips. "Why can't you open it, remember?"
- Grandmother says: "Bad bandits with axes walk up the stairs, pretend to be plumbers, aunts, uncles, and they themselves saw up naughty girls and drown them in the bath!" Correctly?
- That's right, - said Galya, pinning the brooch. “Grandma, although she is old, her hands are shaking, she has broken all the dishes, but she’s sure to talk about bandits ... Recently, in one house, three plumbers came to repair a TV set. The boy opened...
- And they with his ax - and into the bath! - prompted Sveta.
- If only, - muttered Galya, trying to fasten the brooch. - They drowned in the bath and carried everything out.
- And a bath?
- They left the bath with the boy.
“Will grandma come and open it for her?” - Sveta asked, unscrewing the doll's leg.
- Grandmother will not come, she is in the country. Will arrive tomorrow.
- What if it's today?
“I said tomorrow!”
- What if it's today?
- If today, this is no longer a grandmother, but a bandit! Going home, stealing children.
Where did I put the powder?
Why steal children? - Sveta turned the doll's leg and now screwed it back. - Don't the bandits have their own?
-- There is not.
- Why not?
"Why, why!" - Galya made eyelashes with mascara. - Because, unlike your daddy, they want to bring something into the house! Once they! Any more stupid questions?

Eight and a half

Nobody can be trusted! Muscovites swore that they would take Mylovidov a return ticket to Leningrad, but at the last moment, the bastards, apologized, they say, it didn’t work out.
Igor Petrovich arrived at the station in great distress. Like any person in a foreign city without a ticket, he felt abandoned behind enemy lines with no chance of returning to his homeland. He knocked on the closed window of the cash register thirty-five times.
- Do you have an extra ticket? he asked the cashier hopelessly.
- There are "esve" left, will you take them?
- How much it costs?
- Twenty-six with bed. Take?
Mylovidov had heard of these depraved compartments for two, but he had never traveled in them in his life, because they were twice as expensive, and only the compartment was paid for on business trips. But there is no choice. There is nowhere to spend the night.
- To hell with it! Walk so walk! - Mylovidov sighed, with pain he gave a quarter and a ruble with a change.
There was plenty of time before departure. Igor Petrovich, puffing on a cigarette, walked along the platform.
- What if it's true? Coupe something for two! Who knows who God will send for the night? Suddenly with a lady one on one? Do they take crazy money in vain? - The blood boiled and rushed to Mylovidov's head.
Igor Petrovich often went on business trips, wandered around the cities, it seemed logical for a love adventure to happen, but, alas, for a year he returned as a faithful spouse. Mylovidov knew from the hunting tales of his comrades how it was done. Two, three compliments, a cool anecdote, a glass of wine and bolder for an attack that they are looking forward to. The strictness of morals and a dull life are pushing people into casual relationships. Igor Petrovich was prone to treason, but a bad upbringing did not allow him to board a woman, put his hand on someone else's knee, or get close at once. Every time on the way, whether in a hotel, he waited like a boy for the beautiful stranger to speak first, to understand that Mylovidov was a gift of fate, and to pounce. And he won't resist for long. But no one rushed at Igor Petrovich, years passed, hope faded, but still glimmered.
Finally filed "Red Arrow". Mylovidov stepped into the mysterious compartment, where at arm's length were two sofas, a table, daisies in a glass, and that was it.
Looking around furtively, he grabbed a camomile, quickly cut it off with "loves, does not love."
And it turned out "loves"! "Who exactly, we'll find out now!" whispered Mylovidov excitedly, leaning back on the sofa.
In her brain, a pinkish fog thickened into a cloud with the outlines of a graceful blonde.
Igor Petrovich mentally conducted a dialogue with her:
- Let me help you throw a suitcase?
- Thanks. It’s immediately obvious that there is a real man in the compartment!
- Don't doubt it! For an acquaintance, do not refuse a glass of port for brotherhood? (He was bringing a bottle of port wine from Moscow, which he had bought for the occasion.)
After drinking, the blonde will whisper hotly:
“Could you help me unfasten it... They do such zippers, without a man you won’t undress until morning...”
And so it began, let's go! He imagined the most delightful disgrace vaguely, but only "and here it is, it began, it went" - it burned.
Passengers walked past the compartment along the corridor. Mylovidov tensed up with his whole body, his ears stood up like a dog's. When a woman passed, he died, when a man stomped, he died anyway. It's one thing, a night in half with a woman, another thing, one on one with a man, there's also a chance, God forgive me!
- Not otherwise, the Frenchman invented such a piquant form of transport, a compartment for two! Anything can happen here! Igor Petrovich excited himself. - Where are you going? Whether you like it or not. But, true, eight and a half hours were allotted for the entire novel according to the schedule. Half past eight in Leningrad. We've arrived!
What if I'm port wine, and she will demand cognac and lemon? There are such perverts!
Probably, an experienced heartthrob carries everything in a camping kit: drinks, lemons, protective agents! .. Will you bring home AIDS?! Pah-pah! Only this was not enough! Everything else seems to be there! This can not be - for the first time in my life and immediately in the top ten! In addition, a decent audience goes to "esve". I am also a decent person. I respect my wife, I honestly look into her eyes for eleven years.
How can? I have never been tormented by remorse, but I would like to! ..
Mylovidov's thoughts raced like crazy.
- And if he enters without a suitcase? How then will I say to her: "May I have your suitcase?" And without a suitcase where to start? Not from port! Although time is running out and port wine is the right move ... It depends on who you run into.
Mylovidov is tired. Thoughts were confused, the stupid phrase "And so it began, let's go!"
- flashed more often than others, exciting and exhausting.
Passengers, not knowing about anything, passed along the corridor. More often men, women also flashed by, but for some reason they walked past. What if you didn't buy a second ticket? To go for twenty-six rubles alone on two sofas?! We don’t have France, there I jumped into any hotel, paid and love! We are alone only in the elevator you can stay! And then a whole night for two! Paris on wheels... "Help me unfasten it!". Here it is, it's started, let's go!
And suddenly you drink port wine - you fall asleep, you won’t wake up! Here is the number!
Take a chance. Without port wine? A decent lady will not come into contact with a sober head!
Damn those "esve"! Whether business in reserved seat! Everything is on top of each other and no thoughts, to get there as soon as possible! And here...
Mylovidov was so bogged down in variations that he did not immediately notice a blonde on the sofa opposite, exactly the same as he imagined! Cloud in your pants!
Igor Petrovich rubbed his eyes, gallantly jumped up and muttered: "Would you like some port?"
- What port? The girl's blue eyes widened.
- Portuguese!
- You're crazy? - asked the blonde.
- Not. Business trip.
The girl began to rummage in her purse.
- I beg! - Mylovidov threw a pack of "Opal".
The blonde took out a beautiful pack, took out a cigarette, crushed it with her fingers. She took out a golden lighter. Igor Petrovich snatched the box like a cowboy Colt, lit a match at a gallop, but the blonde, smiling, lit up from the lighter.
Mylovidov, having taken courage, tried to mentally undress the girl, but, unbuttoning his blouse, he became embarrassed and blushed as if he was mentally undressing him. He lowered his eyes and stared at the lighter. The blonde shook her head, "Take it!" Igor Petrovich put the lighter in his pocket and did not even thank him.
- I can help put the suitcase! - he suddenly squeezed out of himself, remembering the memorized text.
- What suitcase?
- Any!
At this time, a tanned guy flew into the compartment. The girl threw herself on his neck. While they were kissing, Igor Petrovich smiled stupidly, it seemed to him that he was watching a foreign film in the cinema with a good ending. Breaking the kiss, the guy asked through the back of the blonde:
- What are you doing here?
- I'm going here.
- Well, show the ticket?
- There is a ticket. Here he is.
Taking the ticket, the boy shook his head.
- Glasses must be worn, grandpa. This is sixth place, and you are sixteenth.
Bon Voyage!
- Serge, give him cigarettes, otherwise he smokes Opal! - said the girl.
- For God's sake! - the guy handed Mylovidov a pack of imported cigarettes and politely escorted him out. The door slammed shut.
- Well, here it is, it started, let's go! Mylovidov sighed. - But I have not yet seen what fell on the sixteenth number! Must have a look! And singing "I'm not lucky in death, I'm lucky in love," he walked to his compartment. The door was closed. From within, a woman's voice said, "Wait a minute! I'll change!"
- Not a man, already lucky! So so. "Let me help you put your suitcase..."
- Sign in! - came from behind the door.
Mylovidov entered. To the left, on the sofa, wrapped up in a blanket, lay a body.
The voice was certainly female, but under the blanket the figure, especially the face, is impossible to guess. How to meet in such a situation? Moreover, there was no suitcase, so you can’t go here with a trump card.
- Good evening! I will be your neighbor!
From under the covers they hissed in a choked voice:
- You know, I'm married! You will pester - I will scream! You will be jailed!
Igor Petrovich was taken aback. In the analysis of the games, such an Old Indian beginning was not found anywhere.
- And I, maybe, was not going to pester! To whom? You could at least show your face!
Maybe show me something else! Help!
- They don't touch you, why are you shouting?!
- To know how I will yell if you touch. I can do it even louder!
- Wow bitch planted! thought Mylovidov. - Thank God, the face is not visible. And then you won’t fall asleep with yourself!
Sitting down in his seat, he cautiously took out a bottle of port. "I'll drink and sleep! To hell with it! These women gave me! Anyway, there is no one better than my Svetka!
That's who to be in the same compartment for the night!"
He took a sip from the bottle. In the silence, a sip sounded loud, and immediately a hand with a tire iron emerged from under the blanket. Before him appeared a terrible woman in boots, in a padded jacket, fastened with all buttons, and in a helmet. The spitting image of a diver in a space suit.
Mylovidov jumped up, spilling port wine:
- What do you want from me in the end?
- Not to be touched!
- Yes, whoever touches you, look in the mirror at yourself!
"Won't they touch me?" Yes, I'll blink my eye, a flock of people like you will fly in!
"You're right, you're right," muttered Igor Petrovich, not taking his eyes off the mount.
- Such a woman! Well, I haven’t seen you, but when everything is complete ... Of course, a whole flock.
You will be torn apart!
- Watch me! - the aunt lay down, carefully wrapping herself in a blanket. Something in her tinkled metallically. "Grenades," Mylovidov realized.
Then the door opened slightly, a pleasant woman greeted and said:
- Excuse me, there's a crazy man in my compartment. Maybe swap if your roommate is female?
- Of course of course! Mylovidov shook his head. - What are you talking about? You are a woman, and under the covers lies the same thing. - Igor Petrovich jumped out of the compartment and crossed himself. - Ugh! Finally lucky! In a dream, you won’t turn around like that, a psychopath would kill! I paid twenty-six rubles, so even on the top of my head with a tire iron!
"Company train", do not say anything! All amenities!
- Good evening! he said amiably as he entered the compartment. - And I changed with your neighbor! These women are always afraid of something! Fools! Who needs them, right?
A healthy man with burning eyes and an aquiline nose said in a guttural voice:
- You changed with her on purpose, didn't you? God sent such a woman! And you have changed!
Out of spite, right? What am I going to do with you in the same compartment?
- Like what? Sleep! Igor Petrovich said uncertainly.
- With you?! the kid exploded.
- And with whom else, if here you and me. So with me! - Ugh! The man grabbed his things. - Look for others, old pederast!
Left alone, Mylovidov took a sip from the bottle:
- Wow trailer! Shelter on wheels! Some criminals! What did I say to him? Let's sleep together... Lord! Moron!
"There are five minutes left before the departure of the fast train number two" Red Arrow "!
Please mourners to leave the cars!"
- Take a walk, it's time to rest! I paid twenty-six rubles, but for once I will sleep on two sofas alone! Let's smoke a cigarette and bye bye.
Mylovidov closed the door, took off his shoes. He took out a tasty cigarette, pressed the button of the lighter and a smooth column of fire stretched out in front of him. Like a soldier. Igor Petrovich smiled, lit a cigarette, commanded "freely", and the answer disappeared.
- Yes, this is not "Opal"! .. "Ke-soap" of some kind ... Such is life. Some with blonde, others with port. But who else has such a wife? Fitted like a goddess! Skin is silk! Good girl! Forgive me, sunshine! - Igor Petrovich's eyes tingled. - I'm a son of a bitch! Decided to relax! Take a walk in the "esve" for twenty-six rubles to the fullest! You need to shoot such men! - he pressed the button of the lighter, the light jumped up like a tiny genie, waiting for orders, and on command "freely" disappeared.
Igor Petrovich spread out the bed, tucked the blanket into the sheet, and then there was a knock at the door. He opened. A luxurious brunette stood on the threshold: "Good evening! They told me there is an empty seat. Could you help throw a suitcase upstairs?"
It would seem, like everything, the blood calmed down, but at the sight of the brunette it immediately boiled, gurgled. Moreover, finally there was a suitcase!
“With pleasure,” Mylovidov rumbled in hussar-like, having managed to put both feet into his shoes.
- Oh, Portuguese port! Love! May I have a sip?
- At least two! - successfully quipped Igor Petrovich and poured a full glass. The lady drank and looked sideways at her cigarettes.
- "Kemyl"! I recommend, good. - Mylovidov clicked his lighter. The little genie lit a cigarette and hid with a wink.
The brunette looked respectfully at the cigarettes, the lighter, and at Igor Petrovich.
She leaned back on the sofa, and two wonderful knees darted into Mylovidov's eyes. He felt young and free: "Here it is! It's started, it's off!"
- What is your name, madam? asked Mylovidov.
- Iris. And you?
- Igor Petrovich.
- Very nice. Igorek, unzip the zipper, if it's not difficult!
One would have thought Irisha taught the same scenario!
The train moved softly. "It's started, let's go!" muttered Igor Petrovich, breaking the zipper on his dress. And then a soaring officer appeared in the window. He waved his hand to Irisha, shouting something incomprehensible. Irisha smiled at him, waving her hand, trying to cover Mylovidov with her body. But the colonel saw him and savagely slammed the fist of a general to the glass. For a while, he still ran alongside, sending air kisses and powerful fists. Finally, on the sixth kilometer, bogged down in a swamp, lagged behind.
- Something I'm freezing! Irisha whispered, remaining in combination, proud of her body.
Igor Petrovich looked at the half-naked chest and saw two fists.
"The husband is a colonel! He will kill! The military has its own aviation! He will arrive by plane, meet at the station, shoot both of them! Why me?"
- Igor, I drank. Now you!
- I do not want! Drink yourself!
- Why are we suddenly on "you", do not break!
- What to do, what to do? - Igor Petrovich could not light a cigarette. The little genie was nervous and trembling with fear. - To accept death because of a woman? Yes, I see her for the first time! Eleven years Svetka did not change anything, somehow I will survive!
Mylovidov nodded mechanically, not listening to Irisha's grumbling, thinking about how to save his life. And this idiot blushed, put her hands where she needed, tried to catch her lips, and he fought back:
- Shame on you! Irina, I'm sorry, I don't know my middle name! Husband is an officer of the Soviet Army! Our protector! And you're on the train...
- A husband is a husband, and a train is a train! Irisha laughed. - Well, hug it quickly! The train is coming!
A little more and the irreparable would have happened! Igor Petrovich, having freed himself, tore open the door: "Help!"
- What a fool! - immediately tired, Irina said, covered herself with a blanket and, turning to the wall, sobbed: "You are all fools!"
Igor Petrovich quickly got ready and ran out into the corridor. Where to go? In any compartment, new troubles could await. The wheels rumbled softly at the joints. Everyone was asleep. Igor Petrovich looked to the conductor.
- Sorry. I snore, I disturb the lady. Maybe there is a free place to spend the night?
- Go to the eighteenth, - the girl yawned. - I have one snorer sleeping there.
Let's have a couple.
Mylovidov found the compartment by sound. They snored really well. Without turning on the light, he lay down without undressing and left the door unlocked in case he had to eject. Igor Petrovich did not sleep. Through the snoring of a neighbor, he heard the sound of a horse's hooves. It was the colonel who was catching up with the train and brandishing the tire iron.
Finally Bartholomew's night is over. The train arrived in the Hero City of Leningrad.
Mylovidov, his face crumpled, as if after a spree, went out into the corridor and ran into Irina. She was as fresh as a May rose. Smiling, she said: "Igor, bring the suitcase, be a man." Behind her, in the compartment, purring something, the same peasant who had refused to sleep with Mylovidov was getting dressed. His eyes no longer burned with that hot fire, they smoldered quietly.
Igor Petrovich gasped either from jealousy or from resentment: "He didn't want to sleep with me, you bastard!" Mylovidov with Irina's suitcase jumped out onto the platform and ran nose to nose with his mother-in-law Galina Sergeevna. She met someone with flowers.
Seeing Igor Petrovich with someone else's suitcase next to Irina, the mother-in-law screamed.
Mylovidov rushed to her.
- Galina Sergeevna! Hello! I'll explain everything to you! I slept in a completely different compartment! With other people! Lady confirms!
Irina blew him a kiss. The mother-in-law slapped her in the face. Igor Petrovich almost burst into tears with vexation. "Not only did I not sleep with anyone all night for twenty-six rubles, but for that I also got slapped in the face!"
Igor Petrovich looked around in a haunted manner. Behind, standing with his back to him, Irina was hugged by a military man with general's shoulder straps. Mylovidov almost lost consciousness: "Husband!
Got it anyway! When did they assign him a general! Here it is! It's started, let's go!"
11.08.2003

Row in table
Two springs across the river were like an unpaid debt for Marchenko and me. Twice we tried to drive to them on deer - it did not work out: in some places the ice was already breaking - spring was approaching.
We decided to walk together. We got up early - the contours of ice and bushes were barely distinguishable. It was freezing, and that made me happy. We freely crossed over the ice to the right bank, quite quickly overcame the steep rocky slope of the valley and came out into the expanse of a vast plateau.
We sat down over the map, and then it turned out that we had not taken into account, when we were considering the route, what an obstacle the streams had become. Now we will have to go on horseback - watersheds - longer, but rather, although it will be more difficult to find sources from above.
It turned out, however, that it would not be possible to get to the springs together - we would not have time to return before dark.
- Let's split up, - I suggested, - let's meet here, at this granite colossus, it is noticeable from afar.
- Then so, - Marchenko agreed, - if you come first - put a noticeable pebble here and go to the camp - you can’t delay returning: every hour something can turn. If I come first, I'll wait for you.
Adjusting a large rucksack full of empty water sample bottles on his back, Marchenko waved to me and, without looking back, walked along the rocky surface, gray with lichens and mosses. I looked after him. When this person wants, he is like a flint, words and deeds are merged, you can trust in everything.
The morning was illumined with light more and more brightly, and the clouds, spreading their feathers, floated high and calmly. The world was indestructibly good, we were successfully finishing the field season, we did even more than planned, and ahead of us for the first time in several years, a summer vacation was expected.
I walked upstairs. The familiar feeling of novelty of each step on the way and joy of lonely routes came to me, as always. An amazing silence walked with me, and inaudibly beside me, and overtaking me, rushed new and new winds. In a few of my steps, they flew far ahead, they were replaced by others, it seemed that they took some part of me with them and it was easier to go from this.
I found a spring. Soon, it came out almost at the pass. Here, above, winter still strictly kept his violent mobility in check;
a jet from a shallow funnel, where well-washed pebbles bloomed, and merged into a narrow stream. Snow was dozing all around, melting was not yet felt.
I sat by the spring, enjoying its soothing intonations, then poured two bottles of water that were in my backpack, measured the temperature and flow of the stream, wrote it all down and went back.
It suddenly got dark and began to rain, the first of the year. Marchenko did not have a block of granite. She put a piece of grayish quartz on the appointed place and, without stopping, went to the camp. The bright expanse of the window was deceiving - it turned out that by the clock it would soon be twilight. The valley of the river lay below, aloof and gloomy, and almost to the top was in a wavering, kind of watery fog. The descent was steep, uncomfortable and very difficult. I glided over the ice, invisible under the mosses, that had melted from the rain, and I came to the river broken and exhausted.
There was no ice on the river. He was swept away by the rising water from the rain. Dark and harsh water slowly walked past and in some places already flooded the meanders of the low floodplain here. The fog almost lay on the river, and only at the very shore it became noticeable that it hung heavily over the water, as if ready to fall into it at any moment.
There was no need to think, and I went upstream, hoping at the end of the polynya that was always here to meet the ice cover. I tried to walk fast to get ahead of the night. But the branches and the abundance of streams that appeared slowed my progress, and the night almost overtook me. I assessed the situation immediately and did not hesitate - I had to move on. The river was not wide here, the water rose above the knees and flooded the boots. Stumbling, I got over to our left bank and was glad that I was almost at home and would soon be by the fire.
But no matter where I tried to move in the dark, I fell into some hollows with water, pits with roots, into a glassy, ​​rustling icy mess, as if I had entered a canal. Vankino's eyesight! In order not to freeze at all, I trampled and jumped all the time on the go. At times she lost her bearings and then listened to the river and walked along its noise.
Cold, darkness, a terrible chill and the feeling that I was spinning in one place, suggested bad thoughts. “Church me, churn,” the coachmen used to say, spinning and tangling with the sleigh amidst the fiercest Russian snowstorms.
Usually those who are forced to risk their lives to some extent are superstitious. Drivers hang some kind of twitching monkeys in front of them, which, it seems to me, makes it impossible to see the road properly and can rather “curl up”. Geologists are not superstitious.

When you think of Semyon Altov, what comes to mind first of all? Of course, his way of speaking. It is she who, in part, makes this satirist writer so hilarious and interesting. Of course stories and Semyon Altov's monologues interesting in themselves, they are funny, unusual and charged with a lot of positive energy.

We decided to place the stories and monologues of Semyon Altov on our website precisely because his work deserves the attention of the audience. If you like to read humorous stories, then you will definitely like the works of Semyon Altov, and if you are already a fan of his work, then you will be happy to read the stories in this section.

Witness.

What she said? Can't make out a thing. Who is flying, where is flying, what is flying… What did she say?!
I myself have something with diction. Only when I speak. When I am silent, speech is impeccable. And in public I worry, porridge of words. Happiness is when they understand you, right? I have misfortune. But there are pluses.
About thirty years ago, you were not yet in the world, I am sitting in the company. It seems that everyone drank, ate, - it's time to leave. Shouting music. To be heard, he muttered loudly:
"Goodbye, I'm leaving!"
And then the lady on the left stands up: “With pleasure!”
She understood - I invite you to dance.
And how I dance, it must be seen! I trampled on her feet, and in order to distract, I say, they say, a fisherman, we caught bream here without measure.
They danced. And already when there was no music, I gathered myself and distinctly said this:
- I don’t invite anyone to dance, it’s time to go home!
This lady says: “Can I call you about bream?
- I do not have a phone. (And figs when I got it!)
- How not?
- As almost everyone does not.
- But the phone is more convenient!
- Who can argue!
She says: “Write down my phone. Call.
I thought she was crazy in the dance, she had her sights on me.
I'm calling. It turned out - the wife of the head of the telephone center! And without a queue, without bribes, they play off the mother-of-pearl apparatus! He danced famously!
What does it mean at the time to whom it is necessary to say unintelligibly!
Once in a while it doesn't have to. In the store I ask for one hundred grams of cheese - they weigh two hundred fat.
I complain to the doctor about the tooth on the right, - they remove it on the left.
And they beat, it happened. There is something to remember... At the birthday party, he said to the neighbor "be kind, give a duck." So her brothers nearly killed her! What did they hear?
A lot of inconvenience! You ask for a ticket to Moscow, they give you to Samara. Have to fly. They take someone for someone, take them, give them water, put them to bed with an elderly woman, and she has indigestion. This must be heard! But I am silent. If you open your mouth, they will also kill someone instead.
Such is the diction ....
The journalist tortured: “Do not be afraid, a survey of the population, how do you like it in general and the president in particular?”
I say “I won’t speak for myself, but public opinion is such that I don’t want to live”
Then I read in the newspaper: “the people as a whole are optimistic”
Problems with diction, problems. And what about who has normal diction, no problems?
At least I have some perks.
I'm moonlighting... You'll never guess who... Witness.
In court, I swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. I say it, but such porridge! Both the defense and the prosecution interpret in their own way, to whom it is convenient. Thanks to me, how many people have been released... True, there are enough innocent villages.
At the same time, it is convenient that I tell the truth, and nothing but the truth ...
What did she say, do you understand?