Personal psychology: practical exercises for dealing with resentment. Methods for dealing with resentment, guilt, shame, anger

Parable "Resentment"

The student asked the teacher:

“You are so wise. You are always in a good mood, never angry. Help me to be like that too.

The teacher agreed and asked the student to bring potatoes and a transparent bag.

“If you get angry with someone and hold a grudge,” the teacher said, “then take this potato.” On one side, write your name, on the other side, the name of the person with whom the conflict occurred, and put these potatoes in a bag.

- And it's all? the student asked in bewilderment.

“No,” the teacher replied. You should always carry this bag with you. And every time you take offense at someone, add potatoes to it. The student agreed.

Some time has passed. The student's bag was replenished with a few more potatoes and became already quite heavy. It was very inconvenient to always carry it with you. In addition, the potatoes that he put at the very beginning began to deteriorate. It was covered with a slippery, nasty coating, some sprouted, some bloomed and began to emit a sharp unpleasant odor. The student came to the teacher and said:

“It is no longer possible to carry it with you. Firstly, the package is too heavy, and secondly, the potatoes have deteriorated. Suggest something else.

But the teacher replied:

The same thing happens in your soul. When you are angry at someone, offended, then a heavy stone appears in your soul. You just don't notice it right away. Then the stones become more and more. Actions turn into habits, habits into character, which gives rise to fetid vices.

And it is very easy to forget about this load, because it is too heavy to carry it with you all the time. I gave you the opportunity to observe the whole process from the outside. Every time you decide to be offended or, conversely, offend someone, think about whether you need this stone.
We create our own vices. Do you need to carry a bag of rotten potatoes inside?

What is resentment?

Being offended is childish demonstrative behavior. Offended is a helpless child/adult who is used to having others do everything for him.

Resentment is an event (everyday situation), which is assessed as an unfair violation of rights and an insulting attitude, damage to honor and status. Resentment is an emotion, an experience of this event. This is expressed in the alternation of protest, accusations, aggression and suffering, used to attract attention and pressure on a partner.

But to be offended is a completely different thing, this is an action. To be offended is to begin to see what happened as an insult in oneself and begin to experience a feeling of resentment. To be offended is to offend oneself. The author of your offense is always yourself!

With the habit and desire to be offended, a person is offended (offends himself) at anything. The more often a person sees insults around him, the easier he is offended, the more reason to talk about his touchiness as a character trait. For children, this phenomenon is a natural means of pressure on loved ones - parents, friends, brothers and sisters. Growing up, people begin to understand that this scheme is not a civilized way to resolve differences, and learn to live without resentment. However, not everyone grows up. This feeling is experienced by those who have learned to be offended and continue to do so. This feeling is not an innate emotion. Babies have in their arsenal an innate, simpler behavior - a state of aggression, and a complex behavior - resentment, they have yet to master / acquire.

Reasons for resentment

If we deduce the reasons for this phenomenon in order of importance, then:

1. In the first place is an involuntary template emotional response - a habit from childhood;
2. on the second - there is an internal benefit and manipulation;
3. on the third - a sense of injustice. Mismatch with your expectations from the object.

How is it produced?

In connection with an event understood as an insult, we include anger (protest, accusations, aggression) to put pressure on the offender. If the possibility of direct aggression is closed (by impossibility; understanding that this is bad, then it is blocked by fear), then:

• to attract attention, we launch suffering (sadness or annoyance), we begin to harm ourselves;
• accumulated aggression turns inside the body, on itself (auto-aggression).

Total:

As an independent feeling, there is no feeling of resentment. Behind the “resentment” (“offense”) is either pure anger, or a mixture of anger (anger), fear and annoyance. Resentment is a complex non-basic emotion derived from unexpressed/hidden anger. Therefore, working with resentment overlaps in many ways and is similar to working with anger. And also this property often occurs during illiterate work on anger. Psychologos.

The tendency to be offended is a bad character trait. Those who are offended are not loved, one way or another, they are punished. “They carry water on the offended,” so it’s worth acquiring a new behavior model, see below.

Offenses are:

- small(soul touched quite a bit)

— serious(Seriously hurt my soul)

— old(serious, stuck and entrenched in the soul) - dealing with these types of grievances is a little different. Sometimes we get offended just for nothing.

petty offense

If the offense is petty, it is best to ignore and forget. The less attention she gets, the better. Start working with it seriously, analyze its causes and benefits - it will only grow. And if you notice: “Hmm, even a little insulting! Well, okay, it will pass by itself!” - and get busy, then soon everything will naturally be forgotten.

Serious resentment

If the offense is not petty, the soul is seriously hurt and the soul hurts, you can work with the offense in different directions. First steps:

4. look for the reasons for resentment, and most importantly, replace the question: “Why do I need this?” to “What do I need this experience for? What should I take away from this experience?

5. think how you can discharge from physical stress(Physical pumping is any physical activity, from physical exercises to cleaning the apartment).

old grudge

Many people remember the grievances inflicted on them for a very long time. They have already parted with a person, but resentment lives in the soul, does not go away for weeks, months, or even years. If this is your case, this is not healthy and it is best to consult a psychologist. For some, for independent work, the following algorithm for changing the negative stereotype of resentment helps:

* Turn on your head and mind. List the things you need to do today and now.

1. All the same steps as with a serious offense, plus ...
2. Translate . The best way to end a grudge is to start doing something kind for the person you hold a grudge against. Think about how you can start communication with him, albeit ritual: maybe it would be appropriate to congratulate him on some holiday and some good event. If you find an opportunity to honestly thank him, do it. If there are debts to a person, close them all! This is the best thing you can do to defuse the situation. It will be easier for you first of all.
3. If inside you often remember this person, accustom yourself to thank him for something every time. Something good you had with him: what? Thank him for this. If you can write him a letter about this, it will be great, but you don’t have to send it: you are doing it for yourself, but if you send it, it’s an extra feat! Look
4. Delete the word "betrayal" from your inner vocabulary. We must accept the fact that people change their views, plans, and they do not always consider it necessary to take care of you. You need to think like this: "The one who left me in trouble will be for me a person who looks at everything differently than I do." Transfer the person who “brought” you offense to the camp of friends, because he is really your friend, who teaches you life lessons, makes you stronger. This will help you to exercise.
5. “Do not consider people to be something they owe or owe to you personally or to the world as a whole - this is not so!”. The only one who owes you is yourself! look
6. You can also do a technique with a person to remove all negative feelings, or the same technique to break ties with resentment.

Article on the mat-m Psychologos.

Mantra for the offended

I am such an important turkey that I cannot allow anyone to act according to my nature if I do not like it.

I am such an important turkey that if someone said or acted differently than I expected, I will punish him with my resentment.

Oh, let him see how important it is - my offense, let him receive it as a punishment for his “misconduct”.

After all, I am a very, very important turkey! I don't value my life.

I don’t value my life so much that I don’t feel sorry for wasting its priceless time on resentment.

I will give up a moment of joy, a moment of happiness, a moment of playfulness, I would rather give this minute to my resentment.

And I don't care that these frequent minutes turn into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years.

I do not feel sorry for spending years of my life in resentment - because I do not value my life. I can't look at myself from the outside.

I am very vulnerable. I am so vulnerable that I am forced to protect my territory and respond with resentment to everyone who touched it.

I will hang a sign on my forehead: "Beware of the angry dog" and let someone try not to notice it!

I am so poor that I cannot find in myself a drop of generosity - to forgive, a drop of self-irony - to laugh, a drop of generosity - not to notice, a drop of wisdom - not to be caught, a drop of love - to accept.

After all, I am a very, very important turkey!

Attitudewith humorto life situations, increases a person's immunity, both mental and physical! Because the most healthy anda beautiful person is one who is not annoyed by anything!

Online cola webinar "Psychology in every home!" — "A hackneyed insult!"

Topics: What is Resentment? Reasons for resentment. How to deal with petty grievances, serious, chronic? Exercise "Replay". Mantra for the offended.

This webinar contains invaluable knowledge that will help you work through your grievances in just one webinar.

Conducted by a psychologist, hypnologist - Polina Sukhova.

A few techniques for acute attacks of negative emotions:

Anger, rage, anger. Hang a punching bag at home. Or get a pillow that is dense enough, which it will not be a pity to thresh with all your might. Taking out your anger on an inanimate object will help you blow off steam without hurting your loved one. You can keep old plates at home that you planned to throw away anyway - they will make a good practice for dumping anger. And even in a public place, at work, for example, the problem can be solved. Let's say you use your own hands instead of a shredder. It is unlikely that someone will condemn you for tearing up unnecessary pieces of paper, and in the meantime, you will be able to cope with your emotions without harming yourself or others.

It also helps with physical activity. Grab a broom, a vacuum cleaner, take a rag in your hands - this often helps. Scream. But not at the interlocutor, but, for example, in the bathroom, in a car with the windows up, in the park, moving away from people. Do something where you could apply physical effort. Because emotions accumulate and live in the body, and that is where they risk getting stuck in the future in the form of. It is important that you allow yourself to act - this is exactly what your body wants, to survive the pain, to make it less acute, and for this it needs to throw out the growing energy of feelings somewhere.

Sharp resentment. Write. Open your diary and write down everything you think about the abuser. Then you can burn these sheets. Or break. Burning will help in a symbolic form to say goodbye to some of the difficult emotions. You can not only write - draw. You can talk if no one can hear you.

One of the methods of Gestalt therapy is this: Take a moment, put an empty chair in front of you, mentally put your offender on it (even if it was a group, there is always an instigator in it) and tell him all your complaints. And then sit down on this chair yourself (just physically), and try on behalf of your offender to answer your own claims. See, you will also have something to say.

This is especially effective when trying to deal with resentment against parents - from the height of your current experience, it will be much easier for you to imagine what the state of your mother or father was at that moment when you were an offended child, moreover, you can directly feel this state, to be in it. Reactions can be different, if painful feelings intensify - continue to vent them using the methods above, and sometimes it happens that understanding and forgiveness come to you already at this stage, and feelings are replaced by others - empathy, pity. It's important to get out too, as much as possible, and help them get out. At least at the level of words spoken aloud.

Another good way to deal with resentment is to work with candles. Put a candle in front of you, try to free yourself from all momentary thoughts. Remember the event that worries you the most, giving rise to a constant feeling of pain. Emotions, of course, will not slow down - do not drive them. Concentrating on the candle, let the images and emotions flow, if necessary - speak aloud “to the flame” what worries you so much. Cry, if necessary, swear, or just let go of all negative experiences from yourself - these emotions will “burn out” in a flame without harming anyone. Time is individual, the criterion for completing the work will be a feeling of some emptiness, the brain will stop producing images and sensations, but this does not mean that the problem is 100% eliminated - if in a day or two you remember that situation and again feel emotions - it means that you have worked only some layer of the problem, and after that there will be more and more. Return again to the same topic and sooner or later you will be able to get rid of it completely.

Self-hatred, frustration. Create an “album of achievements” in advance - there should be a photo where you look best, some evidence of your success, a reminder of the most joyful and bright moments of your life. Try to say words of approval to yourself. Perhaps it makes sense to think over them in advance when you are in a calm state, but you know that such feelings visit you. Write yourself a letter as if you were your own parent, just the kind of parent you would like to have. And on behalf of such a kind, accepting and understanding parent, write a letter to yourself - disappointed and not loving yourself. And then put it in an album. And be sure to read in bitter moments. Sooner or later, you will remember these words, and you will be able to support yourself in difficult times. Almost no one is able to replace this warmth for himself.

If there is a conflict between you and your loved one, it makes sense to learn to express all the emotions of indignation in a calm tone. Even your partner really hurt you. The tone makes a big difference here. From an aggressor - and you run the risk of becoming exactly that, throwing a chaotic stream of emotions into your half - you turn into a storyteller. And the storyteller is a completely different attitude. In order for this transformation to take place, use simple tricks - for example, the aforementioned “first aid” measures, or even easier if there is no way to physically throw out anger -

Breathing exercises. One technique applies to all cases of acute emotion.

Inhalation is two times shorter than exhalation, exhalation is long, relaxed, at the end of exhalation there is a short pause. This helps to relax the nervous system in a correct, “organic” way, taking into account the natural structure of the respiratory cycle, and concentration on breathing also helps to pull yourself together. Only after you have removed the “acute attack” can you become not an aggressor, but a storyteller.

Let's forget everything and start from scratch! No, really, I'm ready to forget everything and forgive!

At this moment, it seems that he is really ready to let go of resentment, leave everything in the past and never again remember what happened once, because it was so long ago.

All you need is a little bit - to find out everything to the smallest detail: how it was, how many times, when, what did she feel, did she like it? What prompted her to do this?

Learn everything, and get liberation from resentment. It seems that this is the only way to do it. But word by word, layer by layer, all the details are revealed, and somewhere inside a wild feeling of anger, hatred, a desire to smash, tear, smash everything that comes to hand is awakened.

But just a few minutes ago there was a certainty that everything was forgotten, passed, the pain suffered, and the beaten history was worn to holes. And now those states return again, a vicious circle of some kind ...

Psychology of dealing with resentment

Dozens of methods have already been developed that supposedly help fight resentment. At sessions with a psychologist, resentment is “worked out”. We are offered to remember everything, to experience everything from the very beginning to the end, to scroll through all the details of the offense in our memory, and then ... to let go. So how do you let go of resentment?

— Write on a piece of paper and burn it? - does not work!

Just forget? - does not work!

Give yourself time? - How many? If for years again and again you mentally return to a situation that has long since passed away, and a feeling of resentment wakes up with renewed vigor. It becomes even brighter, even harder, but liberation from resentment still does not come. Why? “They say time heals. Time heals a lot, but in the case of resentment, it works in the opposite direction.

Who can't overcome resentment?

The feeling of resentment is not characteristic of every person. Only people whose vector set contains the anal vector can remember their offender all their lives, and it is they who ask questions: how to overcome resentment? Others are simply not able to experience this feeling so vividly. Therefore, questions like: how to forget past grievances are alien to them.

Where other people can get angry, furious, or simply experience a feeling of discomfort - a person with an anal vector falls into a difficult state - resentment.

Rage, anger, discomfort - all this passes with time, but resentment does not go away, it accumulates and increases in volume. If a person in such a situation does not apologize in time, does not beg for forgiveness, then the more time passes, the deeper this resentment will penetrate, and the further, the more difficult it is to get rid of resentment.

Such people are distinguished by a special attitude to the past. Their lexicon often contains statements such as:

"But in the old days..."

"Where is the world heading?"

“What kind of development is this? “This is the degradation of humanity.”

- All this speaks of the high value of the past for a person with an anal vector. He really feels that "it used to be better" and any change is a stressor for him.

He always strives for the past, and the passage of time does not contribute to the improvement of his internal state - on the contrary, the more time has passed from the moment of the birth of his resentment, the stronger this feeling manifests itself in him and the more difficult it is for him to understand what to do with resentment. Because time drives this very insult further and further into the past, which means that the value of this episode for a person with an anal vector is increasing every day. So the feeling of resentment grows like a snowball.

Moreover, a person, not wanting it himself, again and again scrolls in his memory all the episodes associated with the appearance of resentment. He is angry with himself, awakens in himself hatred for the offender, and can do nothing with himself.

He understands perfectly well that this feeling is destructive, that with his state and ever-popping memories, he does not harm the offender in any way, he does bad only to himself.

But this realization does not help. Not help and conversations, and attempts to forget. The past does not let go - everything is stored in memory. I must say, the memory of such a person is simply phenomenal, and in the case of resentment, it only hinders him.

How to overcome resentment before it defeats you?

Resentment often gives rise to a desire for revenge, and this has a deep meaning. For a person with an anal vector, justice is important. If he was not given, he goes offended; if he was given, he feels guilty. And he will always strive to align these conditions to the level of justice. "Transferred" to return the debt. To the “underdone” - to take revenge, so that justice will prevail. Whatever the reason for resentment, she always tends to the concept of “underdone” or “taken away”.

So, if a wife cheated on an anal man, he perceives this at the level of sensations, as depriving him of his main values ​​​​- fidelity, purity, respect. She took them away - a traitor! The result is resentment and the eternal question of how to deal with resentment?

Letting go of resentment is not easy. Traditional methods do not work, conventional psychology does not help. Either revenge helps, or forgiveness begged for in time. But how to forgive an insult and how to deal with an insult if time is lost, and revenge ... yes, in the imagination it is filled with drama, bright colors, a sense of satisfaction. And, several months after the infliction of resentment, dozens of scenarios have already been folded, in an attempt to find answers to the question - how to remove the resentment.

But the only true answer to the tormented question is how to let go of resentment? - This is the awareness of one's "I". Not an eternal search for the reason that prompted a person to offend you - this does not help. Over time, the reasons become unimportant, and no excuses work.

Indeed, it takes a lot of time and effort to process resentment, but the consequences of an unforgiven resentment are very deplorable, because the accumulated resentment takes a lot of energy and sadly affects our affairs and health!

First, let's define what is forgiveness?

Many wrote: to let go, to process, to confess, not to be sad when you remember the offender, to be freed and further.

For me, the following definition has become optimal:

Forgive... So stop being angry!

Just think about the definition: just stop feeling evil! We are all healthy people and we understand that evil destroys, and both of its sources (to whom it is directed and who experiences it, and the offended person is in greater danger, because evil is stored in his chest)! Conditionally, of course!

This is the first thing to learn: being offended, you become a source of EVIL, I do not mean the first reaction, flare up, cry, shout or, conversely, shut up! I'm talking about the resentment that we harbor, cherish and cherish, cherish, and sometimes justify our actions and inaction!

The second thing I would like to say, and this was written by many girls:

Let the offender be who he is! Understand that in another way he does not know how, he was not taught!

For example, your mother offended you in childhood, or maybe she raised three children alone, your father cheated on her, she didn’t receive love from her mother and simply couldn’t treat you differently, because there’s nowhere to come from, but she wanted the best! All parents want the best! Everyone has their own vision!

If you dig, you can explain the actions of any offender! Do not justify, but explain! After all, all maniacs come from childhood!

The third thing I suggest to my patients is to burn off the insult! Yes, you've been hurt! Yes, you've been hurt! Stay with it! Repay, release the aggression, let your emotions come out!

The fourth thing I suggest:

The technique of chakra breathing, as soon as the pain from resentment becomes unbearable, or you feel heaviness, begin to visualize as if you are inhaling, a green stream in the lower abdomen, the air passes through the body and exits through the chest, but already golden (I will definitely write more).

Fifth, the next lessons of awareness, I ask my patients to understand that resentment is, first of all, your lesson! As long as it touches you - this is not your study! We are trying to understand what this lesson taught, what experience it brought, what is valuable and significant in it for the offended!

The sixth is letting go of resentment, there are a lot of techniques here and sometimes you have to use more than one. My favorite is a letter to the offender, bright, strong, emotional, of course, then it is burned before reaching the addressee, but it is much easier on the soul!

Seventh, resentment is also a microtrauma, but there is such a saying, tell it 20 times and the injury is healed (it is said loudly, but it fades for sure)!

Time, of course, is an assistant and healer in this matter, but your inner healer is all the same awareness that will help you stop being angry with the offender, just stop feeling evil!

I really hope this was helpful to someone!