How to politely refuse so as not to offend a person? How to say a firm "no": advice from psychologists, examples of phrases. How to refuse and refuse so as not to leave an unpleasant "residue

Olga Vorobieva 9.10.2015 8983

If you are unwilling or unable to comply with a friend or relative's request, say one of these phrases. They will help politely refuse any person.

To be honest, I didn’t know how to say “no” to people before. I helped everyone who asked: girlfriends, second cousins, random fellow travelers, “neighbors” in the store queue. Far from always their requests were easily fulfilled, often they caused me inconvenience.

One day I realized that I needed to learn how to say no. And if over time I began to refuse strangers without remorse, then things were more complicated with friends and relatives - they could be offended by me because of the refusal.

As a result, by trial and error, I formulated phrases that will help to refuse relatives and friends, and do it as politely as possible. Perhaps these words will be useful to you.

Your offer is very tempting, but I can't do it yet.

This phrase is suitable, for example, if family friends invited you and your husband to relax with tents, and you really don’t want to go to the forest because of annoying mosquitoes and lack of hot water. And in general, you have not been interested in such a vacation option for a long time (probably since you studied at the university).

But you are afraid that the refusal will entail unpleasant consequences: your friends will no longer offer you not only a vacation with tents, but they will not invite you to the theater or to fun family gatherings.

I think this is the most successful form of polite refusal: you will let your friends know that you are happy with their proposal, but explain that circumstances are preventing you.

This type of denial can only be applied a few times. Otherwise, friends will suspect something was wrong. However, I see two ways out of this situation: to admit that you do not like to relax with tents, or to remember your youth and still take a chance.

I would lend you money, but I have a bad experience

We often have to say no to friends or relatives when they ask for a loan of large sums of money. Let me give you an example from life: I always helped out my sister if she did not have enough money for food before her salary. But when she asked me to lend her money to buy a new car, I tensed up. Yes, I had some savings, but at that time I was planning to fly on vacation with the whole family. But the sister, most likely, would not have had time to return the money on time.

I had to refuse a loved one by saying this phrase. I referred to a real story when a close friend did not return a debt to me. She disappeared and even changed her phone number. I lost both friendship and money.

My sister understood me and after the refusal decided to buy a cheaper car. So everyone was a winner.

I can't help you, but I'll do it for you...

If you can’t or don’t want to (and you have every right, by the way) to do what a friend or relative asks you to do, you can refuse him that way. The main thing is to offer a nice bonus in return for your refusal.

Once a friend asked me to bring her a sack of potatoes from the dacha. And by that time we had already distributed all the excess stocks. I turned her down, but invited their whole family to try my new dish -

Saying "no" is right

General rules for polite refusal:

1. Before you refuse, consider whether the request is really difficult for you to fulfill. Weigh all the pros and cons.
2. During the rejection, do not joke or smile. Speak firmly and confidently.
3. Try to argue your refusal (unless, of course, your arguments do not offend a person).
4. When refusing, do it by saying that you are very pleased that the person turned to you for help.
5. Offer a friend or relative a way out of this situation.
6. Avoid words with a negative connotation: "error", "problem", "failure", "delusion".

If it’s easy for you to fulfill a request, do what a loved one asks you to do. After all, someday you will have to turn to him for help.

In today's world, the ability to refuse is valuable, as is the ability to come to the rescue. Having once agreed that it is unpleasant or undesirable to do, a person runs the risk that he will be bothered to fulfill this request repeatedly.

Those who are not ready to make a return gesture will seek help without remorse.

It happens that a person, having near a trouble-free comrade, constantly shifts part of his obligations to him. Not everyone can say “no” culturally and competently. Consider the basic phrases that help politely refuse a person without offending him:

1. outright refusal. The method will become an effective refusal of a request to an annoying friend. You should not look for excuses for not fulfilling the request - this will cause doubt in the asker.
2. Sympathetic rejection. This type is suitable for people seeking a feeling of regret with their requests. It would seem that it is impossible to get past the situation, but even here there will be an option to delicately reject the request, saying "I'm sorry, but I can't help."
3. Delayed Rejection. The option will come in handy for people who absolutely cannot say “no”. If for a person, refusal is considered a whole drama, we suggest postponing it for a while.

   The answers “I need to consult”, “I will give an answer later when I return from vacation” can be beautifully refused to arrogant interlocutors.

4. Reasonable Refusal. The essence of this method is to announce the real reason. For example, it is necessary to go to the cinema with the child, go to the country to the mother, attend a solemn event.

   This type is suitable for refusing to meet, while for persuasiveness it is desirable to name 2-3 reasons.

5. Diplomatic refusal. The method is suitable for polite, reserved people who offer an alternative in return. Correctly refuse with the phrase "I can not help, but I have a friend who deals with this issue."
6. Compromise refusal. Suitable for people who always help those who ask. Properly offering a compromise, you can turn the situation in your favor.

   If the interlocutor asks to sit with the child all day, answer: “I can sit with the baby, but only from 12 to 17 hours, due to the fact that I already have things planned.”

Know that you can't say no to everyone. There will always be people who need the help and location of outsiders. Therefore, it is important to distinguish between those who really need help and those who simply want to shift their circumstances onto the shoulders of another person.

Options for different situations

Quite often it happens that a person has to do what he does not want to do. Situations surround people all the time: colleagues, boss, relatives, children, friends. In such a case, it is important to show confidence, while remaining in a good relationship.

Note! The most common request is for money. Having loaned funds to a person once, you can expect that he will come with a request again.

Psychologists agree that constant reliability is fraught with stress, headaches, and insomnia. The main problem of such people is the reduction of time to satisfy their own needs, as well as the inability to live a personal life, to fulfill their dreams.

Askers appear from everywhere, they cannot be refused or offended, so you have to agree. Consider possible situations and their solutions.

Saying "no" to an obsessive stranger is easy - in this case, the need to value communication, authority or one's position disappears. Another thing is to give a negative answer to those with whom you don’t want discord in a relationship. When forming your opt-out, pay attention to the following undesirable actions:

1. Do not look at the interlocutor and speak incomprehensible phrases. Then the opponent will get the impression that the person refuses, looking for all sorts of excuses for refusal.
2. Constantly apologize. If, after a negative answer, remorse will torment you, you should not show this to your interlocutor. So you will contribute to his conclusions about guilt.
3. Talk too much. Such a move may arouse suspicion that a person is being deceived, trying to tell him a lie.
4. Operate with a large number of arguments. Maximum - 2 reasons for refusal, otherwise it will give the impression that other arguments were thought out on the go.
5. Promise too good an alternative. Rid your opponent of false hope. If a good alternative is not expected, it is better to refuse immediately.

There is always the option of partial refusal - a good way if you do not want to spoil your relationship with a person. It implies putting forward its own conditions, which the opponent must accept in order to reach a consensus.

Important! Do not promise a person golden options if you cannot fulfill the request - this will worsen your reputation, bring discord in communication, spoil your authority.

A correct, polite refusal is the key to a long-term calm relationship. Learn to do it right and only when you really can't help the person.

Useful video

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Recently, the head of a trading company asked us what to do with clients who are constantly dissatisfied with the service, "squeeze all the juice" out of client managers, finding fault with all sorts of trifles. His question was about what tools and what skills sales managers should have in dealing with such "obnoxious" clients.

And indeed, if you work with clients, then sooner or later you are faced with a situation where the client makes unreasonable claims or simply scandals out of the blue. Or maybe his claims are quite justified, but you still cannot fulfill the requirements of the client and are forced to adhere to the regulations.

We analyzed our experience and the experience of our colleagues in dealing with difficult clients and prepared this article. In this article, we decided to focus only on those situations in which the client manager has no choice but to politely refuse the client's request. But do it in a way that maintains a relationship with the client.

In the course of conducting a series of specialized for one bank, we, together with the participants of the training, identified 4 basic principles of "polite refusal".

Polite but Firm Refusal Principles

Principle #1. Give arguments if you refuse.

The wording of the refusal should contain a reference to the facts, because of which the manager has to refuse the client. Bottom line, the use of these arguments should leave the impression that nothing depends on the client or the manager at the moment.

An example from our practice:

During the training, a situation was discussed when a corporate client of a bank was outraged by the fact that he had to "unreasonably pay an additional commission to the bank for a simple operation with his bank account."

A young client manager said something like this: “This is such a commission. I can't do anything about it. You will have to pay."

And, according to the majority of participants in the training, this line of behavior of the manager was not very convincing for the client.

And what would be more convincing in this situation?

Applicable to the above situation, the phrase of a competent client manager could sound like this:

“According to the banking service agreement signed by you and us, these operations are charged at a rate of 0.1% of the amount. This is the standard amount for banks. This amount has been debited from your account on the basis of an agreement.

Principle number 2. Avoid negative wording from the series: “we can’t”, “we won’t”, “we don’t”

Even for very loyal and non-conflicting clients, such negative formulations are rather "irritants" rather than "sedators".

Moreover, this immediately puts the company, which thus refuses the client, in a disadvantageous position for it: either in the position of a "tyrant" who does not want to do anything for the client, or in the position of a weak one.

In any case, the client has no choice but to react aggressively, swear and be indignant in order to “break through” the blank wall of misunderstanding.

A more peaceful and reconciling phrase could look like this:

• “We can, but within such and such a framework”
• “We can, but under such and such conditions”
• “We can provide for clients. What you are asking for is not included in these services…”

According to our practice, a manager can be additionally persuasive by referring to one or another good reason, because of which he has to refuse a client.

Example: “According to the agreement dated January 25, 2016, under the terms of service, you can conduct transactions on your bank account in the amount of this with a commission.”

Principle number 3. Give the client an alternative

In the previous paragraph, we have already said that when a “blank wall” is erected in front of the client, he can only beat on it, be indignant, trying to break through this wall.

If the client manager has such an opportunity, we recommend immediately offering the client an alternative path. So that the manager in this case concentrates the client's attention not on the refusal itself, but on how, albeit not in the most convenient way, this problem can still be solved.

The following options are available here:

1. Let the client know that there are alternative ways to solve their problem. Even if these options are not very convenient

• “You can order the amount through me and receive it without commission in 3 days”
• "You can withdraw money from an ATM / cash desk, the commission will be less"

• “I understand your dissatisfaction. You can write a claim or a wish, and I will make sure that it is considered as soon as possible.

Principle number 4. Train the right emotions in your voice

Unlike the three previous principles, here we will not talk about what exactly needs to be said, but with what emotions in the voice the client manager should do it.

1. Regret and sympathy. So, if there is too little regret in the voice, then the client may be offended by the lack of proper attention to him from the client manager.
2. Perseverance and firmness. On the contrary, if there is too little firmness, then the client may have the feeling that maybe, if you strongly insist on your own, the organization will cave in and still go to the meeting, and the manager will bypass the rules and will not refuse to resolve the issue.

A client manager who works on the front line with difficult clients simply needs to periodically “refresh” the individual balance setting: perseverance (firmness) and empathy (regret).

How to do it? First of all, these things must be rehearsed and worked out: with the help of colleagues, at trainings, with the involvement of friends.

Our goal is to increase the odds, not guarantee a win

Using all four principles of polite refusal, of course, is not a guarantee that the client will accept all your offers. Also, these tools will not change the current situation - the client will still be unhappy with what happened. But something will happen for the sake of which it is worth at least trying to use these tools - the manager will achieve his goal faster.

Alexey Leontiev, Andrey Barsukov
Clientbridge

Many people come across obsessive people - they are usually benevolent, but very persistently want something from us. The Village understands how to politely refuse such people if the fulfillment of their unexpected requests and demands is not included in your plans.

Denis Lunev

psychologist, business coach

The most famous way to solve this problem is called "I-message". This type of communication is used to express one's attitude to a person and to a situation without getting personal. Take several consecutive steps.

Step one: describe the situation as you see it. For example, "When they call me 20 times a day ..." or "When they expect me to do something that I cannot give ...". At this stage, the pronoun "you" should not sound.

The second step is a story about your feelings, emotions, experiences about what you said in the first step. For example, "I feel terribly upset," or "I feel guilty," or "I feel very uncomfortable."

The third step is a story about your desires: “I don’t want to ever pick up the phone again”, “I want peace and quiet”, “I want to hide”.

If the first three steps are taken sincerely, kindly, but directly, then they will have the proper effect and prepare your counterpart for the fourth message - a specific proposal. So, the last step: "... therefore, I ask you to call no more than once every two days" or "... please, do not give me more gifts."

It is important throughout the conversation to talk only about yourself, your feelings and your reactions. Then you will not hurt your partner, but at the same time you will clearly make it clear your attitude and your desires.

Tatyana Weiser

Lecturer in Philosophy and Ethics, Faculty of Philosophy and Sociology, RANEPA

Obsessive people may have a dulled sense of boundary: they may not recognize you as a value in itself, but simply pour their feelings and thoughts outward, using you as a free resource of attention. You must realize that your time and living space belongs primarily to you and you have the primary right to dispose of them. Being imposed, the person seems to be telling you: "I will manage your time, space and attention more than I will let you do it yourself." There is no reason to give him such a right.

In addition, obsessive people may hardly imagine themselves in your place in a similar situation, and if they were in it, they might not like it. For example, they would not want to waste time on something that is uninteresting or seems pointless. Do not keep their illusions on this score.

More often than not, obsessive people feel like you can't refuse them. And you cannot refuse them, because you are not quite sure that this should be done, and you are afraid of offending someone. You need to be clear about your values ​​and goals in life. If you have defined them for yourself, you understand that time is a rather limited resource. You can spend it on nonsense, or you can manage to implement projects that are significant to you. When you realize your own and others' boundaries and learn to appreciate this living space, everything will work out by itself. You will express yourself more confidently, and cute and obsessive will feel in you enough strength of mind and will to bypass.

There are also simple rhetorical devices - to say in a polite, calm and confident tone: “Sorry, I don’t have time to talk now”, “Sorry, I’m busy with important business now”, “Thank you, we do not need your services”, “Sorry, I not interested in this topic”, “Unfortunately, this format / mode of communication does not suit me.” And sometimes it is useful to simply stop responding to expressed communication acts, for example, to stop correspondence or not answering phone calls, so that the person stops seeing you as a potential addressee.

Illustration: Olya Volk

Helpful Hints

Turning down another person is always difficult, and many of us make commitments that we would like to avoid.

Sometimes we we agree out of politeness, and sometimes we just don’t know how to refuse a person.

Human nature is such that we want to like b to other people, we want to be kind and pleasant.

In many cases, the inability to say "no" can become a problem because,that we forget about ourselves and our needs, while trying not to hurt someone's feelings.

If you're afraid of rejection most of the time, you're doing yourself a disservice. It's important for you to prioritize. By agreeing to everything, you risk simply burning out.

So how to refuse a person without offending him? Here are some tips how to do it politely and tactfully.

How to learn to say no to people

1. Use the word "No".

Use " Not", "Not this time", but not " I do not think so", "I'm not sure", "Maybe next time". The word "No" has incredible power. Use it if you are absolutely and precisely sure that there can be no other answer. And you do not need to apologize for your answer. Practice saying the word "No" until you feel comfortable, pronouncing it.

2. Use strong but polite options.

I appreciate your time, but no thanks.

Thank you for thinking of me, but my plate is already full.

No thanks!

Not today, thanks.

Not for me, thanks.

I'm afraid I can't.

I'm not really into yoga/hard rock/computer games, but thanks for asking.

I don't feel like it.

Perhaps I will refuse.

3. Notcunning.

This goes for family, friends, and even your boss. You don't have to come up with some elaborate gimmick all the time - just say you don't want to. If you don't want to go to an event because you've had a rough week and would rather stay home and watch TV, say so. Don't make up a dying grandmother to make your excuse more acceptable.

4. Don't keep explaining.

In some cases it is better not to go into details. If you start making excuses too much, it will look like you are lying, or it will allow the person asking you to find workarounds and get you to agree.

5. Don't be afraid to say it twice.

Some people don't respect other people's boundaries or are used to the person giving up if asked again. Don't give in just because someone is too pushy. Smile politely, and say "No" again, even more firmly than the first time.

6. If necessary, say "because."

Research has shown that the word "because" makes people agree with you, even if the reason is completely absurd. Instead of saying, "Sorry, I can't arrange the meeting," try to give a reason to soften the rejection.

7. Smile and shake your head.

You can resort to this before leaving. This works when people on the streets are handing out flyers or trying to get you to sign something.

8. Be persistent.

How to refuse a request

16. Don't delay.

There is no point in making a person wait for an answer if you know the answer will be no. Delaying the response only exacerbates the situation. Don't say "I'll think about it" if you're not going to.

17. You can change your answer.

If you agreed once, it does not mean that you should always do it.

18. Repeat this often.

The devil is not as scary as he is painted. The more you practice, the less intimidating it becomes. Start refusing everything that does not add any value to your life.

19. What a pity!

When you say "I'm sorry, I can't," while it softens your message and makes it polite, it sounds rather vague. It's better to say " What a pity, I would like to help, but I already made an appointment with .... I wish you good luck".

20. Desire to please.

We often agree with something that is not of paramount importance, because we do not want people to think badly of us. However, some people will think badly of us anyway, no matter how polite you are. So stop worrying about what other people think and finally say "No".

21. Get ahead of the request.

When you learn to say no, you will begin to proactively say "No" before the request comes up. If you think that your friend is going to invite you to the wedding, let him know that you are broke.

22. Avoid those who constantly ask for something.

If you know a person who constantly asks for money, never returning it, avoid him, especially when you know that he is going through just such a period.

23. A harmless lie.

Of course, in most cases you need to tell the truth, but sometimes you have to be creative with the answer. For example, if you know that your grandmother will try to persuade you to eat her pies, let her know that the doctor forbade you to eat flour if you do not want to offend her. If the grandmother is very persistent, go back to tip number 2.

24. Not now.

You should only use this answer if you know for sure that you will consider this request later. For example, you can say that you will look into this matter when you return in a week. If the request is not urgent, do not drop everything, but say that you will take up work as soon as you complete your project.

How beautifully and competently to refuse

25. It's not about you, but about me.

Use this phrase if you feel that the idea/person/event is more suitable for someone else, but that someone is not you. You can also say that it doesn't suit you.

26. It's not about me, but about you.

Turn this phrase around and don't be afraid to say a firm "No" if you're sure of it. For example, if you're a vegetarian and don't want to "just a little" try your aunt's meat, say: " Thanks, but you know I'm a vegetarian and will never try this.". Draw the line when you need to and people will respect your choice.

27. Show empathy .

Sometimes all it takes is empathy for the other person. For example, " I know it's annoying, but I can't, I'm sorry".

28. You don't have to be nice all the time.

Do you need permission to refuse because you don't want to? Consider that you have been given it.

29. State your discomfort.

If a friend asks you to borrow money, say something like: " I don't like borrowing money, I'm sorry".

How to refuse a job

30. I would like to help you.

Sometimes you need to be softer. " I'd like to help you with a project, but I'm swamped with work this week.".

31. Thank you, but no.

Sometimes, that's all there is to say. Or you can say the above phrase to soften the answer. Thus, you thank the person for contacting you, tactfully refusing him.

32. Use facial expressions and gestures.

Shake your head, raise your eyebrows, and sometimes roll your eyes. Use body language to show that you are serious, even when you politely refuse.

33. Buy time.

Use this as a last resort or you risk being bombarded with requests later. You're just postponing the inevitable, but if it helps you, you can say: " let me think about it", "I'll check my schedule and say".

34. I'm flattered, but no thanks.

Sometimes you need to be grateful that a person has asked you for something. For example, you were offered a promotion at work, but you did not want it.

35. I really shouldn't.

This answer is suitable for when you would like to say "Yes" but feel you should say no. For example, when you receive an unexpected gift. When you say this, the person is likely to respond so that you accept them without any hesitation.

36. For nothing in the world!

This phrase should be used with caution, and perhaps only with friends.

37. I said "No".

This works in the case of children or pushy counselors. Again, be polite but firm.

38. This is not the best option.

This is a gentle way of saying "No" when, for example, you are asked "Does this neon dress suit me?". Instead of responding abruptly, say that this is not the best color, and you should try on a blue dress.

39. Mmm, no (accompanied by laughter)

Use this phrase carefully, for example, when someone asks you to work for free or tries to insult you.

40. I know that you were not hoping for this answer.

It is important to acknowledge the other person's feelings, and this response will help soften the rejection. If you know that the person expects something from you that you cannot do, say "No" and say this phrase.

How to tactfully refuse