How to politely refuse a person without offending him. How to correctly refuse a client: four principles of polite but firm refusal

The secret of how to reject emails from friends and acquaintances.

Franzen recalls receiving a letter from a friend. Not sincere, but highly respected. A friend asked me to help with a project. Deadline? Passed a week ago. She only needed a few hours. She was ready to pay.

Franzen sighed, looked at her calendar, and thought about it. The only way to get on with the project was to reschedule something, get up early, stay up late, and work on weekends to boot. An unhappy prospect. In addition, Alexandra was not at all inspired by this project, and even the money offered by her friend did not make him attractive. It was better to devote time to interesting tasks. Well, or just spend time with your loved one.

In a word, there was not a single significant reason for answering a friend "yes", except for the installations "be nice" and "help friends". However, sometimes you have to go against them, Franzen thought, and decided to refuse.

How to say “no” to a friend and not spoil the relationship? This proved to be a difficult task, even for a professional writer and experienced communications specialist. You also need to be able to refuse - and a pre-prepared refusal template will greatly help with this.

Generic Scenario:

Hey [name]!

Thank you for your letter.

I am proud that you ______. I'm glad you'd like to work with me.

I have to say no because ____.

But I would like to help you [how exactly].

Thanks for _____! I appreciate our friendship.

[a few encouraging words].

[signature]

This is what a real letter might look like:

Hello, Maria!

Thank you for your letter!

I am proud that you are organizing a conference for Internet entrepreneurs. I'm glad you'd like to work with me.

Unfortunately, I have to answer “no” because this week I have a lot of trouble in my mouth - so many things have piled up that there is no end in sight.

But I would really like to help you. You may find it useful to plan last year's conference for livestock breeders of the Far North, which was prepared by my colleague. I am sending the document as an attachment. By the way, she will be happy to answer your questions on VKontakte (her page: vk.com/konfetka1966).

Thank you for your optimism and love of life! You know how much I value our friendship.

Good luck with the event! I can imagine what a difficult job this is.

Write!

Sasha

This scenario will work if three prerequisites are met.

1. Answer quickly.

You can’t put off answering in the hope that a friend will forget about the letter. Will not forget.

2. Briefly explain the reason for the refusal.

Explaining to friends the reason for the refusal is important and correct. But don't get hung up on the details. Nobody needs it. Let's say the scenario above only talks about a busy schedule. If the explanation is honest and concise, friends will understand.

3. Offer something in return

What are the reasons why we often cannot refuse a person? Why is it important to learn how to say “no”? How to do this without offending the interlocutor and without feeling guilty? If you want to know the answers to all these questions, then this article is for you! HOW TO REFUSE A PERSON CORRECTLY.

What type of people are you? HOW TO REFUSE A PERSON CORRECTLY

Sometimes it seems that all people can be divided into two groups - those who can clearly, politely and confidently say "no" to any uncomfortable situation and those who, doubting the correctness, always agree to the requests of colleagues, friends, neighbors and relatives.

The first group of people, as a rule, is more confident in themselves, expresses their point of view more clearly, emerge victorious from verbal battles. It can be said about the second group that they cannot defend their opinion, they are less confident, but they always come to the rescue, help out, lend money, work overtime, walk someone's dog or babysit someone else, etc.

They console themselves with the thought: “And who else if not me?” or “What are friends for then?” They are embarrassed, uncomfortable, ashamed to refuse, or even silently shake their heads negatively. HOW TO REFUSE A PERSON CORRECTLY

Why can't we refuse? HOW TO REFUSE A PERSON CORRECTLY

Why are people so afraid to say “no”, even if they do not have free time, energy and desire? The main reason is fear. The most diverse and their large number:

• fear of appearing rude, impolite,
• fear of losing friendship
• fear that you will also be denied,
• fear of conflict
• fear of guilt.

We are afraid of losing a good attitude towards ourselves, we are afraid of loneliness. As a rule, such a person thinks: “If I refuse to help, then my friends, relatives, colleagues will turn away from me.

I will stay alone. When I need help, no one will help me.” Most psychologists agree that all these fears come from childhood. In most cases, strict parents punished the child for bad behavior, deprived him of love, praise, affection.

In such a family, the child unquestioningly listened to the conditions of his mother (or father), without having his own opinion, and tried with all his might to earn approval or praise. Punishing or scolding the child for any offense, the parents formed in him the fear of losing love, of becoming "bad".

Over time, such a child grows into a person who is dependent on the opinions of others, a person who tries to please and please everyone. HOW TO REFUSE A PERSON CORRECTLY

We tend to think that rejection is rude and impolite. And we want to live in harmony, where everyone is happy, happy and satisfied with communication. And subconsciously, the desire to please prevails over the mind.

We think: “If they turn to me for help, if I am in demand, then they love me.” But this is far from true. Most of the time, we don't realize when we are being manipulated.

And instead of doing what we like, we hurt ourselves. Our inner feelings fade into the background, and we become dependent on external approval.

It often happens that agreeing to help, we are afraid to miss the opportunity. These situations tend to happen at work, when we take on an extra burden, hoping for a raise, pay raise, or being noticed.

And, of course, we agree because of the fear of being fired. HOW TO REFUSE A PERSON CORRECTLY

Why is it important to learn how to say "no"? HOW TO REFUSE A PERSON CORRECTLY

• Non-failure people are considered by others to be weak-willed, since they cannot firmly and clearly refuse in a given situation. Accordingly, you should not rely on more love, respect or trust for you if you help everyone.
• By learning to say no, you will immediately have more free time, which you can happily devote to yourself or your loved ones.
• Your strength and energy will not be wasted in an unnecessary direction.
• If the inability to say “no” created your mental discomfort, was the cause of stress, apathy or depression, then learning to refuse will make you feel happier, calmer.
• You will become more confident and your self-esteem will increase if you know that you are not being used.
• You will feel freer from the opinions of others and from selfish people who like to "sit on the neck" of reliable friends.

Do you think it is difficult to learn how to properly and politely refuse? Do you think that you are doomed to be led and deceived for life? Not at all! You need to put a little effort, patience, perseverance and put our advice into practice.

And you will immediately notice how stronger, more confident and happier you will feel. Some arm themselves with the advice they have received in order not to be taken advantage of.

Someone understands how to talk with an annoying neighbor or a cunning colleague who is trying to find a benefit in everything. Or maybe you yourself will eventually become a manipulator? In any case, this is your personal business.

10 ways to say no.

1. First, you must rethink for yourself all the children's fears and understand that it is impossible to please everyone and be always good. You cannot constantly live someone else's life, give all of yourself for someone, even if this someone is your family or friend. You come into conflict with yourself, infringe and deprive yourself of pleasant moments, regret the lost time and energy. You betray yourself! Sacrifice yourself for the sake of another person. Remember, you always have a choice and you have the right to always say a firm “no”.
2. Secondly, it is important to understand that you will not become a better person for someone, even if you constantly agree to all requests to the detriment of yourself. The people around you won't love you anymore. Asking you for something, the manipulator uses selfish interest, and friendship and love are sincere feelings.
3. Mark for yourself and remember a lot of benefits of a free, not burdened with promises, person. And every time you hear a request addressed to you, think first of all about yourself. This will give you more confidence in speaking with your opponent.
4. When asked, do not make unnecessary promises, such as: “I will try (I will try)” or “I will think about it.” These phrases put on you the burden of responsibility for what was said, and for the petitioner this means consent. And he will wait for the completed task.
5. Calmly, confidently and friendly, looking into the person’s eyes, say: “No, today I can’t work late / I can’t babysit for your child / I can’t lend you money because ....”. It is important to say this phrase without a shadow of a doubt, otherwise you will continue to be persuaded. And you don't need it.

1. Don't apologize for your rejection. Subconsciously, a person begins to apologize when he feels guilty. But we found out that this is not your fault. You have nothing to apologize for if you have completely different plans.
2. Make a promise to yourself to always be honest with yourself and with others. When refusing a request, it is important to honestly state the reason for the refusal. “Today I have completely different plans / lack experience in this matter / I’m not interested in this.”
3. If you can offer an alternative solution to the problem, help with advice, express sympathy.
4. If the interlocutor continues to insist, beg, beg, it is necessary to listen to him again and repeat the reasons for the refusal without irritation and rage.
5. Finally, learn to ask for help yourself. As a rule, people who do not know how to say “no” themselves cannot ask for anything. They get used to putting everything on their shoulders and carrying the load for themselves and for “that guy”. HOW TO REFUSE A PERSON CORRECTLY

We do not urge you to become heartless and callous egoists and refuse everything and everything. Do as your heart tells you. Be honest with yourself.

Find harmony and balance in your life. And in order to live in harmony with yourself and your principles, you need to understand what you are currently feeling: a desire to sincerely help or irritation with the interlocutor?

Of course, helping others is important and necessary, since we live in society. After all, sometimes people who really need help come with a request. Good luck to you!

What are the reasons why we often cannot refuse a person? Why is it important to learn how to say “no”? How to do this without offending the interlocutor and without feeling guilty? If you want to know the answers to all these questions, then this article is for you! HOW TO REFUSE A PERSON CORRECTLY.

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Many people come across obsessive people - they are usually benevolent, but very persistently want something from us. The Village understands how to politely refuse such people if the fulfillment of their unexpected requests and demands is not included in your plans.

Denis Lunev

psychologist, business coach

The most famous way to solve this problem is called "I-message". This type of communication is used to express one's attitude to a person and to a situation without getting personal. Take several consecutive steps.

Step one: describe the situation as you see it. For example, "When they call me 20 times a day ..." or "When they expect me to do something that I cannot give ...". At this stage, the pronoun "you" should not sound.

The second step is a story about your feelings, emotions, experiences about what you said in the first step. For example, "I feel terribly upset," or "I feel guilty," or "I feel very uncomfortable."

The third step is a story about your desires: “I don’t want to ever pick up the phone again”, “I want peace and quiet”, “I want to hide”.

If the first three steps are taken sincerely, kindly, but directly, then they will have the proper effect and prepare your counterpart for the fourth message - a specific proposal. So, the last step: "... therefore, I ask you to call no more than once every two days" or "... please, do not give me more gifts."

It is important throughout the conversation to talk only about yourself, your feelings and your reactions. Then you will not hurt your partner, but at the same time you will clearly make it clear your attitude and your desires.

Tatiana Weiser

Lecturer in Philosophy and Ethics, Faculty of Philosophy and Sociology, RANEPA

Obsessive people may have a dulled sense of boundary: they may not recognize you as a value in itself, but simply pour their feelings and thoughts outward, using you as a free resource of attention. You must realize that your time and living space belongs primarily to you and you have the primary right to dispose of them. Being imposed, the person seems to be telling you: “I will manage your time, space and attention more than I will let you do it yourself.” There is no reason to give him such a right.

In addition, obsessive people may hardly imagine themselves in your place in a similar situation, and if they were in it, they might not like it. For example, they would not want to waste time on something that is uninteresting or seems pointless. Do not keep their illusions on this score.

More often than not, obsessive people feel like you can't refuse them. And you cannot refuse them, because you are not quite sure that this should be done, and you are afraid of offending someone. You need to be clear about your values ​​and goals in life. If you have defined them for yourself, you understand that time is a rather limited resource. You can spend it on nonsense, or you can manage to implement projects that are significant to you. When you realize your own and others' boundaries and learn to appreciate this living space, everything will work out by itself. You will express yourself more confidently, and cute and obsessive will feel in you enough strength of mind and will to bypass.

There are also simple rhetorical devices - to say in a polite, calm and confident tone: “Sorry, I don’t have time to talk now”, “Sorry, now I’m busy with important business”, “Thank you, we do not need your services”, “Sorry, I not interested in this topic”, “Unfortunately, this format / mode of communication does not suit me.” And sometimes it is useful to simply stop responding to expressed communicative acts, for example, to stop correspondence or not answer phone calls, so that the person stops seeing you as a potential addressee.

Illustration: Olya Volk

Quite often it happens that people have to do what they don’t want to do at all, and all because they simply could not refuse a request from relatives, friends, colleagues in time. Is it possible to save yourself from performing unpleasant assignments and how to learn to refuse people? In fact, this is not so difficult to do, the main thing is to heed the recommendations of experienced psychologists.

Experts say that those who constantly agree to help others to the detriment of their own interests sooner or later face problems such as headaches, stress, depression, dissatisfaction with life. Is it worth putting yourself in such danger or is it better to try to understand how to correctly and tactfully refuse the asking person?

First of all, you need to determine whether a friend, relative or colleague really needs help. Perhaps he simply wants to shift the execution of duties that are unpleasant for him onto other people's shoulders. If we are talking about a task with which the asker can perfectly cope on his own, spending a little more time and effort, you just need to rid yourself of guilt.

They ask for a favor, as a rule, those who have a high degree of responsibility for everything that happens and are distinguished by perfectionism (the desire to bring everything to the end). Therefore, you need to understand for yourself: it is impossible to do everything for others, and no one is to blame for this, except for those who have not managed to correctly plan their time and effort to solve their affairs. So, the first “secret” of how to competently refuse a person’s request is to decide for yourself that you owe nothing to anyone and put your interests in the first place.

Ability to handle different forms of rejection

There are several simple ways that can help how to refuse a person culturally and at the same time not offend him. The most banal, but at the same time the most effective, is to refer to your own employment, especially if this is true. In some cases, a friend or colleague may go further and ask for a favor “for the future”, that is, when you have free time. Experts recommend not to give instant consent, but to warn: it is possible that after the end of the first case you will have a second, third, and so on.

If the asker is especially persistent, you can set a condition for him, for example: “I help you with this, and you do this for me, because otherwise I simply won’t be able to find the time to help you.” It's called "the right way to kill two birds with one stone." The acquaintance gets what he asked for; At the same time, you do not lose anything, and, most importantly, warm relations remain between you.

Refusal does not mean offending

In some cases, you can say a firm “no” without excuses and explanations of the reasons - when an unfamiliar or not too close person makes a request. In such situations, even to apologize is not necessary, especially when it comes to some burdensome or unpleasant things. Tactless individuals may begin to ask for an explanation of the reason for the refusal, but they do this completely unreasonably: you are an adult and should not report to strangers who are not even your friends or relatives. As a last resort, the answer “I cannot help you due to personal reasons” is allowed, without detailed explanations.

When someone close asks for a service, of course, it is more difficult to answer the request in the negative, but here there are several options for how to refuse a loved one and at the same time not offend him. For example, you can say that you simply do not understand the question that you are asked, or you are afraid to solve the problem badly, incorrectly, because you do not have enough knowledge, experience, and competence. Educated people will never impose a difficult case and will try to turn to someone else who is better versed in the subject.

The main thing is not to succumb to persuasion

Sometimes the asker tries in every possible way to persuade him to agree - by persuasion, entreaties, and even blackmail. It is worth going on about once, and you will forever open a "loophole" that unscrupulous acquaintances will use. With such people, you need to behave decisively, and not be afraid to offend them with a refusal: they, in turn, do not think about your feelings at all, and about what they can make you uncomfortable.

Psychologists even single out such a moment that a request can correctly say a lot about a person: about his character, principles, rules of life. Perhaps a rude request will become a kind of “litmus test” that will make you think about whether you need to continue communicating with this individual.

Deny…temporarily

Of course, not all requests should be denied; it is important to distinguish between the empty whims of others from truly important appeals. In some situations, it is difficult to immediately find out how difficult and time-consuming the task will be, and whether it is feasible at all. Experts recommend not to agree instantly, but to take time to think, that is, to refuse a person, but temporarily. It is enough to say that you now have more important things to do, and only then, in a calm and peaceful atmosphere, think over all the details of the request and make the right decision.

If it turns out to be simple enough, you can go forward, but in the case when it comes to an unpleasant or too difficult issue, you can again refer culturally to being busy or directly declare unwillingness to help, as this will take too much time and effort, so necessary for solving their own issues.

Video answer on the topic "How to refuse and not become an enemy" from the program "Success"

Partial "no"

Learning to refuse people without offending them seems difficult at first, but over time, the ability to culturally say a reasoned and firm “no” can become part of the character, freeing up time for more pleasant activities - walking with friends, activities with children, meeting loved ones. For those who cannot instantly turn from a universal "assistant" into a person who can tactfully refuse, experts recommend learning to do it gradually.

For example, when a neighbor asks her to walk her dog, there are three possible responses for “beginners”:

• only on certain days of the week
• only in good weather
• no more than 15 minutes

On the one hand, you agreed to help, on the other hand, you took into account your interests and chose the most acceptable conditions for yourself.

What about "yes"?

It is possible and necessary to provide services to others! Just do not at the same time "put yourself on the neck" of everyone who wants to receive gratuitous and high-quality assistance. It is always necessary to put your own desires and priorities in the first place, and even in those cases when one of your friends was offended by being refused, this does not mean that you are a bad person. Rather, it will mean that a colleague or comrade communicated with you, solely for his own benefit. Appreciate your personal time, it is an irreplaceable resource!

This article will tell you in an accessible form how decisively, but at the same time competently, accurately and politely refuse a person asking you for a favor...

Not so long ago I watched the movie with Jim Carrey "Yes Man" (2008 release). The plot revolved around the idea that you need to overpower yourself, say “Yes” to everyone, and everything will be like this -

But in practice, it seems to me, the problem is exactly the opposite - for many people, the mere thought that someone will have to REFUSE becomes uncomfortable. They constantly joke that, they say, “it’s easier to give up than to explain why“ no ”, etc.

In fact, this skill can be mastered. But even more than that, I’ll say that it IS NECESSARY to master it, because if you don’t know how to say “no”, then you will NEVER become a truly free person, fully realize yourself, do what YOU, AND NOT OTHERS, need. You will be doomed to do what DOES NOT concern you, while being angry at others and at yourself, repeating the cherished words of all the compromisers like a mantra: “well, this is definitely the last time ...”

So, let's stop being trouble-free "like a Mosin rifle of 1891" - here are 6 fairly simple ways to STRONGLY, CONvincingly and DEFINITELY, but at the same time POLITE, TACTICALLY, and WITHOUT VIOLENCE OVER YOURSELF, say "NO":

METHOD ONE - DIRECTLY "NO"

The first thing that comes to mind is to directly say “NO” to the interlocutor and explain the reason for the refusal.

In fact, "explaining" is not necessary at all. If you stand and come up with the “true reason for the refusal”, then it will be immediately obvious - such behavior of yours will look insincere and far-fetched ...

Maybe it's better to just say "no", without writing and lying on the go? Direct, just "no" is quite self-sufficient, convincing and understandable.

Try this recipe - just don't add anything to your rejection.

Of course, you don't have to be rude. You can use mild terms:

If this is not enough for your interlocutor, he begins to resort to various manipulations, tricks, then you can try to apply the so-called “DAMAGED RECORD TECHNIQUE”, the essence of which is to repeat the same phrase several times - in our case, a short refusal :

Under no circumstances should you respond to provocations! They must be patiently listened to and waited out. Even if one form of “persuasion” replaces another, you should not ask questions, clarify or object to anything - just listen silently and repeat your “no!”

The considered technique is especially effective in relation to assertive and / or aggressive people, as it deprives them of the opportunity to apply their strength, and, consequently, the opportunity to persuade them further.

METHOD TWO - EMpathetic "NO"

Here is the “softest” answer to the question “ How to politely refuse a person?”, the main principle of which is thoughtful, attentive listening to the interlocutor. You need to show that you understand his problems with all your heart, you sympathize. But at the end - add your refusal to fulfill the request.

You can use the following opt-out options:

At the same time, the reason for the refusal can also be left out, especially if your compassion looks convincing enough.

This trick is especially effective with people who want to arouse pity, play on your feelings. And, of course, for those who just wanted attention, sympathy and support...

METHOD THREE - A REASONABLE "NO"

If there is a sufficiently weighty reason for your refusal, then, of course, you can voice it. In this case, you don’t need to be smart - just use this elementary formula: “I can’t do this, because ... (the reason is given below)”

You can also use special refusal methods, for example, the “three reasons” method. The formula of this rather weighty and convincing technique is: “Sorry, but I can’t do this for three reasons ... (these reasons are voiced further)”

The main thing in this technique is not to spray on unnecessary details. It is important that the interlocutor does not get lost in your arguments and captures the very essence of your message.

You can use this technique in both informal and formal settings. It will be especially appropriate in communication with your bosses, older people, etc.

METHOD FOUR - DELAYED "NO"

If the methods described above are too decisive for you, if you are used to automatically agreeing with everything and have completely forgotten how to refuse, the DELAY ANSWER method may suit you. So you will gain time, you can turn to other people for advice how to politely say no to someone etc.

This technique is also well suited for those who are heavily loaded with work (and, accordingly, cannot correctly assess their labor reserves), who doubt themselves excessively, their actions, as well as those who are accustomed to constantly and carefully analyze all their actions.

The essence of the technique is to ask for time to consider the request:

Thus, the soul will not have to bend. You just need to ask for some time out, which will protect you from a lot of rash decisions. Just try not to leave "opponent of maneuver" space for further discussion at this point in time!

Such techniques work great with persistent, assertive people who absolutely do not tolerate any objections.

FIFTH METHOD - "NO" BY 50% or COMPROMISE "NO"

Sometimes you would agree to help your interlocutor, but not 100%, right? Then you can offer him to negotiate the terms. But here it is important to be extremely precise - what you will do and what not:

In the event that your opponent is not satisfied with the conditions, then you can safely refuse to help!

METHOD SIX - "NO" IN SMALL OR DIPLOMATIC "NO"

Sometimes you just need to invite your interlocutor to the negotiations. Then it will be convenient to refuse him on certain positions, and it will be much easier to find a mutually acceptable option.

This technique is suitable when you do not have a ready-made solution to the problem, and you would like to find it together: “Come on, I will try to help you in a different way? How - I have not decided yet ... Let's think together?

You can also invite a third party (specialist, expert, your friend and ally) to cooperate ...

HOW TO LEARN THESE TECHNIQUES?

As you can see, if you need politely refuse a person- there are plenty to choose from. But just reading this material is not enough.

Therefore, put them into practice as often as possible so that these useful skills simply become a habit!

The Spanish philosopher Gracian Baltasar once said that "he who belongs to everyone cannot belong to himself."

Think about it. And understand that it is vital to develop the skill described above, since any request cannot be answered in the affirmative - because this WILL LEAD YOU TO A SITUATION in which WILL NOT BE SATISFIED WITH YOUR ACTIONS NOBODY ! Do you need it?