How to accept the irreversible. The power of acceptance

Acceptance of what is takes you to a deeper level, where your inner state, as well as your sense of yourself, no longer depends on the judgments of "good" and "bad" that the mind makes.
Eckhart Tolle, What the Silence Says

I will not call for accepting the situation if it is impossible to change it, but simply explain why you need it and how to do it. By accepting an unpleasant situation, we give it the opportunity to change. While we do not accept, we experience anger, rejection, resentment, etc., the unpleasant aspect of the situation grows and gets stronger, because. the force of action is equal to the force of reaction. We stop resisting, we change the vector - we get a change in the situation in a positive direction. Otherwise, an unpleasant event can thoroughly linger in our lives and make unwanted adjustments to it. This is a serious enough reason to remember right now what situation is most unnerving for you today, and continue to work with it according to the text of the article. To resist this situation is unprofitable and harmful.

Non-acceptance is disagreement with what is happening. Those. in our head there is an image of how it should be, but in fact it happens differently, and this causes our disagreement and irritation. So? A reasonable question - can you admit the idea that your idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhow it would be good and right is wrong? That the Universe has before its eyes a different alignment of your life, let's say, more voluminous, in which the best version of this situation is exactly the one that is happening now. And you, instead of thanking for the trouble, get angry and indignant? Allow the idea that your idea is erroneous, because it is narrow, you do not see the whole picture of your life and are not fully aware of your tasks on earth.

I understand that these arguments are not suitable for momentary acceptance. They are needed to expand consciousness and change the outlook on situations and life in general.

What about for the momentary? To begin with, it is important to assess - can you influence the situation or not? If you can, how, and what exactly will you do right now for this? If everything that is possible has been done, and the situation persists, then in this place - attention! - share the responsibility. When we take on someone else's responsibility, then, firstly, we overwork and lose strength, and secondly, we stop doing what we could do, and spend our strength on what we are not able to change.

So you have a specific situation. You did everything in your power to make her stop being so unpleasant for you. But the changes have not yet taken place, and now, when you are powerless to change anything, a protest rises in you - well, how is it, why am I doing this, why exactly with me, etc. This is what rejection is. And this is what not only spoils your life, but also fixes this situation in your reality.

Further responsibility for changing what is happening is not yours! And this fact must be recognized and allowed to be. For some reason it is needed. If we do not know what exactly, this does not mean that there is no point. It is always there, and you can see this by looking at all the events of your life - notice what positive consequences followed unpleasant events in the past. You did not go to college, but you went to a temporary job and found your calling. You broke up with a man, but you met another, “yours”, your parents did not really support you in childhood, but you grew up active and independent, and do not shy away from troubles.

In a situation of rejection, it is very important to remove emotions. Ideally, an unpleasant situation should not cause negative emotions. I really love Lee Carroll's book The Journey Home, it presents important and profound ideas in the form of a compelling story. And there are two main ideas: everything just is and everything is not as it seems.

What you judged as black turned out to be white in the end, and - you see this in your own life - this is exactly what happens most often. Therefore, it is very important to remove the assessment of the situation from the position of your understanding of the correctness, and leave only a statement of the situation. Yes, I see that this has happened. What I feel? I feel uncomfortable in it, it’s difficult, I have to strain, something else. Next - what can I do to make it different? I do. The situation has not been completely resolved, but I believe that in the end it will be resolved in the best way, so I just trust the world and switch to solving other problems. I do not waste energy on resentment of life, complaining about injustice, etc., I direct it to creation, and then I become the real mistress of my life, and not the eternal victim of circumstances. Everything is just there, and for today it is like this, and I accept this situation because I believe that it has come, because I need it for something. And I focus on understanding why, not on being dissatisfied.

What other aspect of acceptance do I want to talk about. To accept is not to submit and lay down one's hands. Not at all. To accept means to allow it to be in your life, while doing something to change the situation. And this permission is worth a lot. You are not angry at the wind that sometimes it becomes a hurricane, or at the snow that suddenly went and fell asleep all the way. And why? Because you admit - it just is, and that's it.

But everything that happens in your life, too, just is. And very often it is not really what it seems. Create silence and watch what will happen, let it be, learn to trust what comes and not see it as malicious intent. It is a matter of trust in the world, and if you either remove any assessment or try to make it objective, you will feel peace and acceptance. To accept means to say an unconditional “yes” to your present and future. Acceptance of the world begins with acceptance of oneself, in order to say “yes” to what you may not like about yourself today. We learn to say a full-fledged "yes" in the course "I want to love myself." Sometimes saying yes is much harder than saying no, but what a healing effect it has on our lives!

If you have any questions or need help, please email me.

With love,
Julia Solomonova

“Lord, give us the humility to accept what cannot be changed. Give us the courage to change what needs to be changed. And give us wisdom to distinguish one from the other.” The quote has been attributed to, among others, the German writer Friedrich Christoph Oetinger (1702–1782) and the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971).

Familiar to many, to some, such as members of Alcoholics Anonymous groups around the world, this saying has even taken on the status of an essential rule of life. But what is behind these words - "that which cannot be changed"? Unfulfilled hopes, lack of love, suffering, injustice, the fragility of our very life - sooner or later each of us faces this, and it is useless to run away from it. Only a clear understanding of what is happening and a correct attitude towards it will help us pass these tests and learn life lessons from them.

By refusing to resist the inevitable, we get a chance to discover new possibilities. Five experts talk about what can become a support for us.

"Things don't always work out the way we expected"

Lev Khegai, Jungian analyst

Why do we suffer. The interview ended unsuccessfully, someone else got a new appointment, it still doesn’t work out to have a child ... The feeling that one’s own life is slipping out of one’s hands gives rise to a feeling of deep anxiety. This is especially noticeable in our culture, where the concept of success in life is practically devoid of a spiritual component and is often measured only by well-being.

Jungian psychoanalysis sees the cause of this suffering in the fact that we are not aware of the connection between ourselves and the world. And therefore we are doubly bitter: to the confusion that our plans are violated, the feeling is added that we have been abandoned alone. This feeling of powerlessness resurrects in the soul of the confused child that we once were and who does not understand why he was denied something. The more often we experienced this lonely feeling in childhood, the more difficult it is for us to accept all those "no" that life sometimes tells us. On the contrary, if we agree that our very existence is subject to the laws of the universe, we will thereby subdue our - so human - desire for omnipotence.

By understanding what our unfulfilled expectations are, we can think about how to realize them in other ways.

How to take it. Asking ourselves if this event happened only due to external causes, or whether it was influenced by our not quite reasonable choices and wrong decisions. Such introspection will help you to become the actor of your own life again and look more confidently into the future. You can also think about what exactly we are missing. Our plans were frustrated, and this deprived us of the pleasure of carrying them out.

But what kind of satisfaction were we expecting? Public recognition, emotional support, material wealth? By understanding what our unfulfilled expectations are, we can think about how to realize them in other ways. By exploring the connection between our actions, events, and opportunities, we become, as Jung believed, more open to life, learning to recognize its messages and happy coincidences that will help us make the right choice more often.

“Others do not always love us and are faithful to us”

Marina Khazanova, client-centered therapist, trauma therapist

Why do we suffer. We need love, to feel loved - so we feel that we are recognized, that we are very important to someone. But now the connections between people are less and less strong, and this gives rise to deep anxiety in the soul. Without feeling the loving looks on ourselves - relatives, spouse, friends, colleagues - we seem to no longer feel ourselves.

We lack recognition, as if the meaning of life itself eludes us. We experience betrayal even more sharply - betrayal destroys the unspoken agreement between people: "I give my love and in return I receive an equivalent gift." Violent violation of this contract undermines faith not only in another person, but also in ourselves: "What am I worth if I was betrayed so easily?"

How to take it. Infidelity in relationships - love, friendship, family - is different from the situation when, for external reasons, our loyalty or good feelings suffer, for example, layoffs at work. Relationships are always collaborative. They should be carefully studied to understand how we built them. What in them was the result of our action, what exactly and how much, insufficiently or in excess, we invested in them? What was expected from the other? Were you able to take care of your most important needs?

If necessary, a specialist can help carry out this work. But how to find love again? Even if now we do not see it next to us, it exists within us. You can feel it by asking yourself: what do I like, what resonates with me, awakens a keen interest in me? Finding an answer can take time, but when you find your favorite thing, people around you who love it just as dearly appear. And these will be really close people who love the same things as we do and will always be able to support us.

"Suffering is part of life"

Natalia Tumashkova, existential psychotherapist

Why do we suffer. A breakup, an accident, an illness... It is impossible to remember the moment when we experienced pain for the first time. Throughout life, it arises more than once, sometimes warning and protecting us, but very often causing us torment. They are aggravated by fear (“something is wrong with me”) and guilt: brought up in a Christian culture, we unconsciously associate pain with punishment for sins and look for the answer in our past.

The question "why me?" not that it is useless - sometimes it helps to rethink the events of our lives. But it is even more useful to reformulate it - “for what?”. And think not about the reasons, but about our goals and capabilities.

How to take it. Guilt suppresses, weakens us, stops us at the point where we are, prevents us from moving forward. If we ask “why?”, “What can I learn?”, then we experience pain as a test. Strong shocks sharpen the sense of life. We understand, or rather, we begin to feel that forces have a limit, and this prompts us to clarify goals, to separate the important from the secondary.

By allowing ourselves to experience anger to the fullest, we can face our aggression.

Much is being rethought at this time. But it is important to remember that pain is primarily a signal, and we can understand what information it carries, what this pain is talking about. Specialists - a doctor or a psychotherapist - can help with this. Information tames fears, helps to more realistically assess how dangerous the situation in which we find ourselves. It is also important to be aware of the secondary benefits we may derive from suffering pain. They are often difficult to recognize: it may be a desire to punish yourself for something or a reason to demand more attention and care from loved ones.

Sometimes those who are nearby annoy us: why do they feel good when we feel bad? Irritation is repressed anger. By allowing ourselves to experience it to the fullest (“This is not fair! Should I be hurt?”), we will let it come out in a scream or cry - and so we get the opportunity to meet our aggression. And she, in contrast to guilt and fear, is a powerful energy resource. For us, this is an opportunity to get in touch with our life force and use it to move forward.

"Everything comes to an end"

Vladimir Baskakov, body-oriented psychotherapist

Why do we suffer. In nature, everything is cyclical: day and night, winter and summer alternate. Life is an eternal change, but who among us does not want to keep a happy moment! The inevitability of change leads to the thought of the inevitability of death - and it is unbearable for us. We know: children grow up, friends move away, the body gets old... And sometimes we try to fight the laws of being, maintaining the illusion of invariance: for example, with the help of anti-aging agents or developing vigorous activity, so as not to be alone with ourselves...

We all deal with change differently. The more they upset us as children, the more we will be afraid of them as adults. Conversely, if from an early age we perceived them as an exciting part of life, it will be easier for us not only to accept the inevitability of change, but sometimes to strive for it.

How to take it. We can learn a lot from the body if we see in it a friend and adviser, and not a traitor who betrays weaknesses. Pay attention: inhalation and exhalation follow each other. You can try to hold your breath, but the longer we do not breathe, the more difficult it is to restore its rhythm later. The periods of sleep and wakefulness also follow each other. If we accept our natural needs, we establish a connection with our body and through it - with our nature. We begin to feel part of the whole, obeying the general rhythms.

Let us also think that we have the experience of numerous transitions from one state to another. We were conceived, passing to being from non-existence, then we came out of the mother's womb into the light, said goodbye to childhood for the discoveries of youth, moved in time, leaving something behind and discovering something new ahead. Let's try to understand: without completion there will be no continuation, without farewell - a new meeting.

Since life is organically inherent in cyclicity, then change is not a threat, but a natural condition for our existence. Death is terrifying in its unknown, but it remains a part of the life that continues today. And in this continuation, we can discover new opportunities and do something important.

"Life is not always fair"

Patrice Gourier, priest and psychologist

Why do we suffer. Manifestations of injustice cruelly remind us that it is not enough to always behave well and correctly in order for life to be fair to us. Three reasons can cause this acute feeling.

First, the aversion to deprivation: Western culture emphasizes personal hedonistic happiness, and when desires are not fulfilled, we perceive this as a personal insult.

Secondly, we suffer because of what is really unfair: we feel bitter helplessness, not understanding the meaning of the test. Why did someone dear to me suddenly pass away? Why was I fired, because I invested so much in this job? Finally, our own (unwitting) injustice to others, loved ones or strangers, can hurt us. In this case, our ideals and moral values ​​suffer - and therefore it is bad for us.

The main thing is, first of all, to determine the emotions that injustice awakened in us.

How to take it. First of all, by replacing the word "accept" with "realize". Then asking ourselves: Is what we perceive as injustice really unfair? Are we trying to get rid of responsibility with the help of this feeling? Losing a loved one is really painful and unfair. No psychologist can shorten the time of grief and anger, but he is able to help if the mental pain is unbearable.

In case of other injustice, in life or in relationships, let us ask ourselves: “What can I do that is fair, what I consider good?” This will allow you not to become isolated in bitterness or the desire for revenge. But the main thing is, first of all, to determine the emotions that injustice awakened in us. We often overlook the damage it does to self-esteem.

Paradoxically, the one who turned out to be a victim, instead of defending himself and asserting his right, sometimes feels guilty and ashamed - because he was not up to par and was treated badly. Therefore, injustice must always be called words, it must be worked with. And if we keep this suffering in ourselves, for our soul it will eventually become truly destructive.

How often do we get angry! With or without reason. Slow movement of the queue to the checkout, traffic jams, bad weather that changes all our plans, disobedience of children and much, much more. When we get irritated, we splash out the negative and, as a result, spend a lot of our energy. But for what? Something we can't change!

How same learn to accept not satisfying us situation if we can't change it?

To accept means to consciously admit that something may not go the way we want, not the way we are used to, or not the way we planned. The opposite of acceptance is resistance or a negative attitude towards what is happening. For the majority, this is the pattern of behavior that is more familiar, and we resist almost everything that goes against what we want.

But why do we resist? To some extent, we are influenced by our past experience. For example, you are used to your parents always talking to you in a calm tone and, of course, you expect that this will continue to be the case in the future. But one day you are faced with the fact that the parents raised their voice significantly in a conversation with you. Of course, this is unpleasant for you and you perceive it negatively. You may even begin to shout back, thus expressing your resistance to the current situation.

But resistance inevitably causes suffering.

Marathon runners have this slogan: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is a personal choice for everyone.” When a person runs a long distance, sooner or later his leg muscles begin to hurt. And here the runner makes a choice - either suffer, focusing on pain, or switch his attention to something else.
So it is in life: you can find yourself in a situation where you were betrayed, abandoned, taken away from you, your plans and dreams were destroyed, left alone with difficulties. Of course it hurts. But whether to suffer is your personal choice.
Of course, there are simpler situations where there seems to be no pain - traffic jams, a slowly moving queue, a person does not answer our calls and SMS, work colleagues are extremely slow, etc. However, these situations annoy us because we experience discomfort. It is unpleasant for us, we are trying to overcome the circumstances. How? With our negative attitude, resistance - from the fact that we are not comfortable, and we suffer to some extent.

Of course, when we find ourselves in circumstances that are unpleasant for us, or even very difficult ones, of course, we try to act. However, after all, you can act in different ways - with the acceptance of the situation or with resistance to it. Which option makes more sense?
To understand what acceptance is (do not confuse with inaction), imagine scientists who make their calculations without taking into account the fact that gravity acts on Earth. Where there is no gravity, some things are, of course, much easier to do. But there is gravity on Earth - scientists take it as a given that they cannot change and build their calculations taking this phenomenon into account.

So, for all the situations that you don’t like, but that you can’t change, treat like… scientists to the Earth’s gravity - just take into account the circumstances and act taking into account the changed situation.

Acceptance, like any other skill, can be trained, which means you can learn to accept the situation. How?

Step 1 - Awareness
You found yourself in a situation where something went against what you want. You are unhappy. Be aware of this dissatisfaction. You can say to yourself, "I'm not happy because this happened, but I wanted it to be like this."
Why do it? The fact is that many people do not even realize what it is that irritates them so much in the circumstances. Awareness is the first step towards understanding and accepting.

Step 2 - OBSERVATION WITHOUT EVALUATION
The essence of this step is to observe your thoughts and emotions without judging whether they are good or bad. You seem to be looking at yourself from the outside, allowing everything that happens to you to BE, without doing anything about it.

Step 3 - PHYSICAL FEELINGS
Pay attention to your physical sensations in this situation - how you breathe, how fast your heart beats, whether you feel a rush of blood to your cheeks, whether your head hurts, whether your hands tremble, whether your cheek twitches. What do you actually feel in your body?
Try to focus solely on your breathing - concentrate on how cool air passes through the nasopharynx, descends into the lungs, how your chest expands, how you exhale warm air. About 5 minutes of such concentrated breathing is enough to calm down.

Step 4 - TURN ON THE BRAIN
After you have acknowledged your dissatisfaction, observed your thoughts and emotions, breathed and calmed down a little, it's time to ask yourself the question: "What is my goal at the moment and how can I achieve it in the current circumstances?"
Sometimes you will need to take certain actions to achieve the goal, and sometimes you just do nothing, calm down and wait.

An example from my personal life: I am a very punctual person, and if I was traveling in public transport, which dragged like a turtle, and realized that I could be late, then, like all punctual people, I was nervous. Sometimes strong enough. And then at one fine moment I realized that I was nervous and realized that I had three options - to continue to be nervous, transfer to another transport or run ahead of the transport. Strange as it may seem, the very thing that irritated me so much - the slow movement of traffic - contributed to the comprehension of this fact. I just had the opportunity to sit, do nothing and just think. By the way, a lot of good ideas came to my mind in transport. Hence follows

STEP 5 - THANK YOU
Every situation is given to us for something. Even in the most insignificant, in our opinion, unpleasant situation, there is something useful for us. Your task is to realize WHAT EXACTLY and thank the world for the opportunity to learn and work on yourself.