These phrases will help politely refuse the request. How to turn down an employer after an interview? The art of failure

There is no denying that rejection is very frustrating. However, this is part of life. Whether your heart is broken, your job is denied, or someone close to you just lets you down, emotions will always be unpleasant. Such situations never go without problems, it is always uncomfortable. If you yourself want to refuse someone, you also have a hard time. You need to be tactful, supportive, and at the same time deal with your own negative emotions. If you fail, you make the rejection even more painful. Many people would like to be able to refuse softly and politely. You don't want to hurt the other person, make them feel hurt and disappointed. All this is so difficult! Fortunately, there are some guidelines to help you deal with these moments in life in the most gentle way.
It can even be quite a positive experience! Sometimes rejection becomes an impetus for change, because a person begins to think about how to become better. Rejection makes you think more about yourself. This is a kind of motivation that helps to move on. If you need to say no to someone, use the tips below. This will make the situation more comfortable for everyone.

Tell the truth

This may seem obvious, but it's important to know that if you lie to a person about the reason for your rejection, you don't make things any easier for them. Some choose to lie so as not to hurt the feelings of the person being denied. This is a good intention, but this behavior does nothing to soften the blow. Honesty is your best bet, don't try to embellish anything. Even if you think that lies are for salvation, do not give in to such thoughts. The truth hurts, but then it is easier to accept, and a lie softens the effect only in the first minutes of the conversation, but ultimately poisons all the sympathy that remains after the rejection.

Be specific

General words are of no use. If you must say no to someone, be as precise and specific as possible. In the long term, this will only help the person who was refused. Quite often, refusal, no matter what the reason for it, is perceived as a personal insult.
The more accurately you can explain what caused the situation, the better the person will understand that this is not his personal fault. This is a very important point for both sides of the conversation. Plan your rationale ahead of time to make it as clear and concise as possible. This will help you reduce your own stress during a failure.

Watch your tone

Do not forget that the problem may not only be in what exactly you say, but also in how you do it. Consider how the other person would feel in such a situation and try to act accordingly.
The tone of voice and the timing of the conversation are critical, so remember that it's not just the words you choose. Of course, they are also of great importance, but do not forget about other criteria. Do breathing exercises, try not to tense up and watch the intonations of your voice. By paying attention to this, you reduce both your own stress and the discomfort of the other person.

Accept your role

If you are also somehow involved in the current situation, be sure to tell the person you are breaking up with. If the blame does not fall solely on his shoulders, the situation becomes a little more comfortable. Share the blame if this is the real state of affairs, because the refusal is based on explaining the real situation. This will help you clearly explain the reasons for your decision, although at the time of the conversation it will be difficult for your interlocutor to perceive everything rationally and without unnecessary emotions. This is understandable, because parting can be extremely exhausting. Be prepared for this, accept in advance the fact that negativity is inevitable and you are partly connected with it.

Think of a compromise

If the situation allows, you may not need to firmly refuse the person. Sometimes a problem can be solved with a compromise. If you start a conversation in order to get your point across and get what you want, it's possible that the other person will be able to meet you half way. In this case, he will feel much more comfortable.
In such a situation, no one can emerge victorious, but it is important to agree and establish the necessary boundaries. This is the most important, because otherwise you will not be able to understand what is bothering the other person and how he will accept the rejection. In any case, it is clear that it will be unpleasant. Learn to take care of your interests without hurting other people. This is a very important skill that helps you deal with rejection much more comfortably.

Practice ahead of time

If you are very nervous about the fact that you have to refuse someone, and you want all the words, intonation and expressed emotions to be appropriate, you should practice, think over what you will say and how you will do it. This will be extremely helpful for you. For example, you need to fire someone. Practice how you will tell the bad news to another person. When you really need to do this, you will already know that you can say it calmly, and then you will be able to express all your thoughts in a harmonious way, honestly and carefully, which will help the other person understand: life is not over, everything is in order. You will be able to do what you must, but in the most optimal way. A sufficient amount of practice is very beneficial for both you and the person you are rejecting. You can also practice with a friend or loved ones. In this case, you can get an assessment of your behavior from the outside and ask for useful advice. This will help you understand the subtleties of the situation even better and learn how to behave as correctly as possible.

Don't expect a clear conclusion

Naturally, you would like to get some relief after a difficult conversation, but the situation does not always end that way. This is completely normal. Many people dream that the rejection would be positive and painless for everyone, but you should immediately understand that your interlocutor will not be happy. Just take your time, don't drive his emotions, don't try to cheer him up when it's inappropriate. By setting yourself up for the situation to be resolved immediately, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You shouldn't do that! Be prepared right away that your conversation will not give clear consequences.

Rejection is hard

It is important to always remember that the best way to refuse a person is to behave with maximum attention, kindness and respect. Behave the way you try to behave in other situations. You may encounter resentment and anger in the process, however, if you are kind, everything will go as well as possible for everyone.

We all have times in our lives where we just need to say “no”. But for some reason, instead of refusing, we begin to wrinkle and pinch, and as a result, we say such a hated “OK, I’ll try.”

After this, endless worries and remorse begin, because it is often impossible to keep a promise, and you have to come up with more and more new excuses.

What's wrong

What happens to us at the moment when, during a conversation, the heart suddenly stops anxiously, and we do not dare to utter a simple short word, fearing to offend the interlocutor?

“The ability to say “no” is also a certain skill. If there are any problems, and a person cannot refuse, you need to figure it out and understand how this stopper arises, ”says Natalia Olentsova, image maker, head of the Academy of Successful Women.

Often we find ourselves in a situation where it seems that after the rejection they will think badly of us. Hence this self-doubt arises, the fear of seeming rude or unresponsive. But overcoming this problem is easy if you follow certain rules.

View from the outside

Let's try to look at the situation from the outside. Other people seem to find it easy to say “no” to us. It is to such interlocutors that you need to pay attention.

“Look how other people do it. They refuse you, explaining that it is inconvenient for them. But this does not mean at all that they do not want to help you, ”says Natalya Olentsova.

Imagination game

Let's play one simple game. Only now you need to imagine yourself in the place of a person who can easily refuse. We imagine that our character is all right with self-esteem. How would he act in this situation? How would he say no? We boldly reproduce what we have just “heard”.

Secret words

It would also be nice to have our own imaginary dictionary of the very expressions that we are going to refuse. We often get emotional and can either overreact or reluctantly agree. There are clear language that allows you to refuse gracefully.

“I would love to help you, but I can’t. I already have my own plans and things to do. It sounds quite soft and dignified, ”the image maker gives an example.

without haste

We are not in a hurry to answer sharply “no” until we have listened to the interlocutor. You should always watch yourself and be able to take breaks.

“Do not blurt out something right away, but understand what you feel, what you want to do in response to a request,” Natalya advises, “then remember that very worthy woman and refuse with dignity.”

Confident persistence

If we nevertheless decided and were able to refuse, it is likely that we will have to repeat our “no” again. The interlocutor can do all sorts of tricks and come up with new ways to convince us that we should help him. But the second time, as a rule, it is already easier to refuse. The main thing is not to make excuses, but to repeat the secret words firmly and confidently.

We discussed what internal barriers need to be removed in order to learn how to say “no” to people. Today we will continue the topic, but we will approach it from the other side. We'll talk about specific ways to opt out. Indeed, sometimes a person says “yes” instead of “no” because he does not know how to refuse tactfully.

It is worth noting that there is no single correct failure algorithm. It all depends on the situation, the nature of the person to whom you need to say “no”, the relationship with this person, and many other factors. However, there is a whole range of techniques that can mitigate rejection. I will tell you about these methods today. One and the same technique can be perfectly suited to one situation and be completely inappropriate in another. Therefore, consider everything below as a source of ideas to help you formulate your own response to your particular situation.

Idea number 1. Emphasize the value of the person to you.
You can do this if you are afraid of hurting a person’s pride with your refusal. Show your good attitude towards the person you are refusing.

Example #1. Marina has a persistent admirer who does not understand hints. In order to directly refuse a date, she can use the following phrase: “Kolya, I am very pleased with your attention, but I want to tell you no. I, unfortunately, feel that our dates will lead nowhere. You are very kind to me as a person. Therefore, I do not want to deceive you and I say everything directly, as it is.

Note that Marina several times emphasized the value of Kolya with the phrases: “I am very pleased with your attention”, “you are very nice to me as a human being”.
Important! Do not overdo it with compliments and positive words about the person you are refusing. It can look fake, cause distrust, be perceived as a manifestation of pity.

Example #2. Elena is recruiting. She's done an interview, and now she needs to call and tactfully turn down a job candidate. Elena could do it in the following way: “Alexandra, thank you for taking the time to come to us for an interview. Unfortunately, I have to inform you that we have selected another candidate for the vacancy. I wish you good luck in your job search in other companies.”

Here, Alexandra's value is emphasized by the phrases: “thank you for taking the time to come to us for an interview”, “I wish you good luck in your job search”.

When we refuse a person, we can involuntarily tense up, get nervous, and expect a negative response. A person can interpret our behavior as a manifestation of a negative attitude towards him. Therefore, in addition to phrases, also pay attention to your emotional state. Well, if you not only with words, but also with your behavior will demonstrate friendliness to a person, a willingness to make contact with him.

Example #1. Larisa was invited to a birthday party, but she couldn't come. You can tactfully refuse in this case as follows: “Anna, I’m so sorry! Imagine, it is on this day that relatives from another city come to me. Therefore, I can’t come to you in any way, although I would very much like to!”

Anya hears Larisa's sincere regret, and therefore it is easier for her to accept the refusal.
Of course, it could also be that Larisa simply did not want to go to her birthday and did not feel much regret about this. Then, in order not to lie and remain sincere, one could not talk about their emotions, but use idea No. 1 - to emphasize the value of a person and a friendly attitude: “Anya, thank you very much for the invitation. But, unfortunately, I won't be able to come that day. I wish you a good mark!”

Example #2. Masha has a close friend Veronica. Veronica likes to call Masha and complain about life. Masha is a vulnerable and sensitive person. Every time she takes to heart what her friend says. She would very much like to ask Veronica not to go into all the details of every trouble that happens, but she does not know how to do it tactfully.

Masha could be advised the following wording: “Veronica, I really sympathize with you and would really like to help you. But every time you tell me about all your troubles, I take it very close to my heart and worry for a long time. Please save my nerves and don't tell me all the details. We, after all, have more positive topics to talk about!”

Idea number 3. Explain the reason for the refusal.
It is often easier for a person to accept a refusal if he knows the reason for it.
Example. Oleg and his wife had guests staying up late. How do you let them know it's time to go home? Oleg can do this in the following way: “Masha, Igor, my wife and I have to get up early tomorrow, so I propose to finish our gatherings for today.”
Important! Do not turn the explanation of the reasons into an excuse for yourself. If you start making excuses, the person may have the idea that he has the right to be offended by you.

Idea number 4. By refusing a request, you can offer ways to solve the problem, indicate your readiness to solve the problem in a way that is feasible for you.

Example. Recently, Anton very often lingers at work. He already understands that such revisions have become systematic, and management perceives this as the norm. Today, the boss once again asked Anton to stay after work. Anton wants to inform his boss that he is not ready to work overtime.

He can do this in the following way: “Anatoly Mikhailovich, unfortunately, I do not have the opportunity to stay at work overtime. I propose to revise my work tasks in such a way that my work during working hours will be the most useful for the company.
Thus, by refusing, Anton emphasizes his willingness to cooperate.

Idea number 5. Laconic rejection.
Sometimes it is best to respond to a request with a laconic refusal: no need to apologize, explain the reasons. When a person doesn't know how to say no tactfully, they may think they need to say something special. In fact, you can often just tell a person that it is not convenient for you to fulfill his request, and this will be quite enough.
Example. Yegor's friend asks for a loan of money. Egor can refuse like this: “No, Pasha. Unfortunately, I can't lend you money right now."

Idea number 6. Use hints.
You can show a person your dissatisfaction with hints.

Example. Natasha decided to move to city N. She has already found a job in this city, but has not yet found housing and has been living with her friends for two weeks. In the early days, her friends thought that Natasha was about to start looking for an apartment, but enough time has passed, and Natasha is not going anywhere.

What should Natasha's friends do? After all, they did not plan to let her live with them.
In this case, you can start with subtle or fairly direct hints. For example, you can ask: “Natasha, how are you? It's great that you found a job so quickly. What do you think about housing?

If Natasha is a tactful and well-mannered person, she will understand the hints and begin to act. But, alas, not all people are tactful and educated. Not everyone understands hints. Then you can use idea number 7.

Idea number 7. State the facts and say exactly what you want.
In the case described above, one could say this: “Natasha, you have been visiting us for two whole weeks. We are glad to see you as a guest, but we are not ready for you to stay with us. Please find another place to live."

In most cases, people react calmly to rejection. However, it may also happen that the reaction to a refusal, even if it was very mild and correct, may be aggression and blaming you for all mortal sins. How to react in this case, read.

If you want to refuse tactfully, it is important to watch not only what you say, but also how you do it: calmly and confidently, or feeling annoyed, or friendly, feeling guilty or afraid of offending the person. Any of our emotions will inevitably affect the outcome of the conversation. Read more about how this happens, and how to set yourself up in the right way, read.

Saying goodbye is a real art. It is especially difficult to say “no” to those on whom work, career, earnings depend. How do you make sure that rejection not only doesn't hurt relationships at work, but strengthens them?

Logistics specialist Margarita Krylova suffers from her own inability to say “no”: “Even at school, everyone who was not lazy was writing off from me. I constantly remained on duty or carried out instructions from the class teacher.

Now Margarita is being exploited at work. If you need to go out on a day off, call her. On negotiations with absurd clients - she too. In addition, she insures colleagues who are late for work, trains newcomers and answers calls in the absence of an office manager. “I curse both my bosses and my colleagues to myself, but I’m afraid to say “no” out loud. Because I have such a good reputation. And the boss appreciates me, and my colleagues, ”Ms. Krylova justifies herself and continues to be torn apart.

To be or not to be

In order to understand which requests are worth fulfilling and which ones should be subject to a categorical veto, one must answer (first of all, oneself) a few questions.

The first question is: who needs it? If the work of the entire company depends on whether the request is fulfilled or not, it is definitely worth doing. Even if it's not your responsibility. In particular, this applies to situations where a company has a chance to get an important client, win a tender, or, on the contrary, risk losing a large amount of money. The authorities, as a rule, do not forget those who did not fail in difficult times.

Question two: "Can I refuse the one who asks?". In some companies, requests from superiors are not discussed. Although in this case it is not clear why they are called requests.

Question three: “what will I get by fulfilling the request?” / “what will I lose by not fulfilling the request?”. As already mentioned, a person who is ready to meet others halfway receives a lot of good things because of his reliability - gratitude, trust and, importantly, the opportunity to voice a counter request. And, on the contrary, ruthlessly and categorically refusing to neighbors, a person loses a good attitude towards himself. If the employee does not get any of the above “carrots” from the applicant (or is not needed), you can safely refuse.

And the fourth question, the answer to which can cross out all the previous ones: “what will I lose by fulfilling the request?”. If the quality of the performance of one's own duties, personal money, health, family or freedom is at stake, it is worth finding the correct way to refuse.

Psychologists identify two main mistakes of those who refuse: an overly veiled “no” and an unreasoned refusal.

In the first case, a misunderstanding may arise, and the asker will decide that he was answered with consent. The best way to refuse a request is to honestly say "I won't do it". So that the asker does not have illusions and false hopes.

For especially reverent persons, it is also worth reporting the motive for your refusal. Explain that this is not personal, but only a desire to do your job well. For if you do the work of others, who will do yours?

An unreasoned refusal gives the applicant the impression that he is being refused just like that. And this can lead to conflict. If the boss turns out to be asking, the emphasis in the argument should be on the good of the company. This not only smooths out the refusal, but also characterizes the “refusenik” as a professional.

If a colleague makes a request, it is better to honestly state the reason for the refusal. Of course, if it is strong enough and there is no reason to hide it (say, we are not talking about something deeply personal or about third parties). In some cases, it is safer to shift the responsibility for the refusal to another (“the boss filled me up with work”). And even better on the circumstances (“I won’t be able to replace you tomorrow - I won’t be in the city”). At the same time, it will not be superfluous to lament on this score, so that the asker does not have any doubts that he is being refused not of his own free will.

"I'd love to, but..."

One of the win-win options, if the boss is the petitioner, is to show your work plan for the near future and invite the boss to independently determine to the detriment of what the request will be fulfilled. If this technique does not work, suggest to the leader the candidacies of those to whom this can be delegated.

There is a general method called "terry formalism". As part of this method, orders from superiors are accepted and issued only in writing and with a signature: yes, I will, but please draw up an appropriate order. In this case, the bosses prefer to give the task to someone else, rather than bother compiling such pieces of paper. True, it is better to apply this method in large and bureaucratic structures.

Do not refuse, Mr. Chief

Inconvenient requests are faced not only by subordinates who are pestered by superiors, but also by managers who are approached by employees. Should I refuse in this case?

If a subordinate came with a delicate issue or a serious problem, then he is asking to take part in his affairs, not the manager personally, but the company in which they both work. In such a situation, it is better to meet the requester and get an extremely loyal employee. If the manager, for one reason or another, cannot fulfill the request of the subordinate, you can use the tactic "it does not depend on me." At the same time, the boss does not refuse, but tells the ward that he should consult with higher authorities. And some time later, with chagrin, he reports that "he himself would gladly agree, but the authorities disagree."

In any case, it is advisable for the boss to avoid conflict situations and, in addition, politely refuse. Especially if a valuable specialist comes with a request. Even if in the end he will have to hear a refusal, it is better to voice it after strong arguments and a few laudatory phrases: “We really appreciate you”, “Your contribution to the work of the company is significant” ...

Lastly, general advice. Whoever and under what circumstances would not have to refuse, for starters, you should put yourself in the place of the one asking and look at the situation from his bell tower. In this case, even a categorical “no” will sound as polite and inoffensive as possible.

The main mistakes that "refuseniks" make:

• 
  Rejection too aggressively
• 
  Rushing to say "no" instead of preparing the asker for rejection
• 
  Don't justify rejection
• 
  They don't offer an alternative
• 
  Denial too veiled

Acceptable opt-out methods

• 
  Be honest about the reason for the rejection

  « Unfortunately, I won't be able to do it because…”

• 
  Suggest an alternative

  “Today I have absolutely no time, but I think I can fulfill your request tomorrow”

• 
  Complain about the lack of knowledge/skills/competence/powers necessary to fulfill the request

  “It is unlikely that the company will get the desired result if I, an engineer of the third category, will be the interpreter at the negotiations”, “According to the job description, I do not have the authority to perform these functions”

• 
  Transfer responsibility for refusal to a third party/circumstances

  “I would love to, but my immediate supervisor does not approve of this”, “I would be happy to leave my vacation earlier, but the ticket office does not want to change my tickets”

TOTAL: Before voicing a refusal, it is worth considering whether it is better to fulfill the request. If the decision is made, the refusal should be reasoned, polite, but categorical.

It often happens that people have to do what they don’t want to do at all, and all because they simply could not refuse a request from relatives, friends, colleagues in time. Is it possible to save yourself from performing unpleasant assignments and how to learn to refuse people? In fact, this is not so difficult to do, the main thing is to heed the recommendations of experienced psychologists.

Experts say that those who constantly agree to help others to the detriment of their own interests sooner or later face problems such as headaches, stress, depression, dissatisfaction with life. Is it worth putting yourself in such danger or is it better to try to understand how to correctly and tactfully refuse the asking person?

First of all, you need to determine whether a friend, relative or colleague really needs help. Perhaps he simply wants to shift the execution of duties that are unpleasant for him onto other people's shoulders. If we are talking about a task that the asker can perfectly cope with on his own, spending a little more time and effort, you just need to rid yourself of guilt.

They ask for a favor, as a rule, those who have a high degree of responsibility for everything that happens and are distinguished by perfectionism (the desire to bring everything to the end). Therefore, you need to understand for yourself: it is impossible to do everything for others, and no one is to blame for this, except for those who have not managed to correctly plan their time and effort to solve their affairs. So, the first “secret” of how to competently refuse a person’s request is to decide for yourself that you owe nothing to anyone and put your interests in the first place.

Ability to handle different forms of rejection

There are several simple ways that can help how to refuse a person culturally and at the same time not offend him. The most banal, but at the same time the most effective, is to refer to your own employment, especially if this is true. In some cases, a friend or colleague may go further and ask for a favor “for the future”, that is, when you have free time. Experts recommend not to give instant consent, but to warn: it is possible that after the end of the first case you will have a second, third, and so on.

If the asker is especially persistent, you can set a condition for him, for example: “I help you with this, and you do this for me, because otherwise I simply won’t be able to find the time to help you.” It's called "the right way to kill two birds with one stone." The acquaintance gets what he asked for; At the same time, you do not lose anything, and, most importantly, warm relations remain between you.

Refusal does not mean offending

In some cases, you can say a firm “no” without excuses and explanations of the reasons - when an unfamiliar or not very close person makes a request. In such situations, even to apologize is not necessary, especially when it comes to some burdensome or unpleasant things. Tactless individuals may begin to ask for an explanation of the reason for the refusal, but they do this completely unreasonably: you are an adult and should not report to strangers who are not even your friends or relatives. As a last resort, the answer “I cannot help you due to personal reasons” is allowed, without detailed explanations.

When someone close asks for a service, of course, it is more difficult to answer the request in the negative, but here there are several options for how to refuse a loved one and at the same time not offend him. For example, you can say that you simply do not understand the question that you are asked, or you are afraid to solve the problem badly, incorrectly, because you do not have enough knowledge, experience, and competence. Educated people will never impose a difficult case and will try to turn to someone else who is better versed in the subject.

The main thing is not to succumb to persuasion

Sometimes the asker tries in every possible way to persuade him to agree - by persuasion, entreaties, and even blackmail. It is worth going on about once, and you will forever open a "loophole" that unscrupulous acquaintances will use. With such people, you need to behave decisively, and not be afraid to offend them with a refusal: they, in turn, do not think about your feelings at all, and about what they can make you uncomfortable.

Psychologists even single out such a moment that a request can correctly say a lot about a person: about his character, principles, rules of life. Perhaps a rude request will become a kind of “litmus test” that will make you think about whether you need to continue communicating with this individual.

Deny…temporarily

Of course, not all requests should be denied; it is important to distinguish between the empty whims of others from truly important appeals. In some situations, it is difficult to immediately find out how difficult and time-consuming the task will be, and whether it is feasible at all. Experts recommend not to agree instantly, but to take time to think, that is, to refuse a person, but temporarily. It is enough to say that you now have more important things to do, and only then, in a calm and peaceful atmosphere, think over all the details of the request and make the right decision.

If it turns out to be simple enough, you can go forward, but in the case when it comes to an unpleasant or too difficult issue, you can again refer culturally to being busy or directly declare unwillingness to help, as this will take too much time and effort, so necessary for solving their own issues.

Video answer on the topic "How to refuse and not become an enemy" from the program "Success"

Partial "no"

Learning to refuse people without offending them seems difficult at first, but over time, the ability to culturally say a reasoned and firm “no” can become part of the character, freeing up time for more pleasant activities - walking with friends, activities with children, meeting loved ones. For those who cannot instantly turn from a universal "assistant" into a person who can tactfully refuse, experts recommend learning to do it gradually.

For example, when a neighbor asks her to walk her dog, there are three possible responses for “beginners”:

• only on certain days of the week
• only in good weather
• no more than 15 minutes

On the one hand, you agreed to help, on the other hand, you took into account your interests and chose the most acceptable conditions for yourself.

What about "yes"?

It is possible and necessary to provide services to others! Just do not at the same time "put yourself on the neck" of everyone who wants to receive gratuitous and high-quality assistance. It is always necessary to put your own desires and priorities in the first place, and even in those cases when one of your friends was offended by being refused, this does not mean that you are a bad person. Rather, it will mean that a colleague or comrade communicated with you, solely for his own benefit. Appreciate your personal time, it is an irreplaceable resource!