Effective Communication Techniques: I am the Message. "I - you" messages

The success of a conversation largely depends not only on the ability to speak, but also on the ability to listen. When we listen attentively and with interest to someone, we spontaneously turn to face the speaker or lean slightly towards him, establish visual contact with him, etc. The ability to listen “with the whole body” helps you better understand the interlocutor, shows the interlocutor interest in him. At the same time, the ability to listen implies a certain algorithm that can be arbitrarily reproduced.

Look at the interlocutor

As mentioned earlier, eye contact is an important element of communication.

If you look into the eyes of the interlocutor, thereby you show that what the interlocutor says is important and interesting to you.

If you consider the interlocutor "from head to toe", thereby you inform him that the interlocutor himself is important to you in the first place, and what he says is secondary.

If, while the interlocutor says something, you are examining the objects in the room, thereby you are communicating that neither the interlocutor nor what he says is important to you, at least at this moment.

React

The main element of active perception is the ability to let a person know that you are listening carefully. This can be done by accompanying the interlocutor's speech with a nod of the head, uttering accompanying words such as "yes", "I understand you ...", etc. It is important to respond to the interlocutor's words, but one should not overdo it. Grotesque responses and attentions can create tension and destroy rapport.

Don't end a sentence for the other person

Sometimes you may have a desire to "help" the speaker and finish the phrase he started for him. Even if you are sure that you understand correctly what the person wants to say, you should not try to demonstrate it in this way. Give the person the opportunity to understand and formulate the thought.

Ask questions for understanding

If you don't understand something, ask. Appeal to the speaker for clarification, the desire to obtain additional information, to clarify the position of the interlocutor is one of the indicators of active listening.

If you understand what a person wants to say, but he finds it difficult to express a thought, help him with a question.

However, remember that each question contains a limited number of possible answers to it. Your question determines the answers you will receive. Therefore, it is important to be able to ask the right question at the right time.

Paraphrase

Paraphrasing means an attempt to clarify the meaning of the interlocutor's statement by repeating to the speaker his own message, but in his own words. In addition to checking the correctness of understanding, paraphrasing allows the speaker to see that he is being listened to and understood.

notice feelings

The phrases "I understand your condition ..."; “I understand that it’s not easy for you to talk about this,” etc. - they show the interlocutor that they understand his condition, they empathize with him. In this case, the emphasis is not on the content of the message, as in paraphrasing, but on the reflection of the feelings expressed by the speaker, his attitudes and emotional state.

i-message

One of the communication techniques that involves talking with the interlocutor in the first person. This means that most statements begin with the word "I" - hence the name.

EXAMPLE: “The ability to formulate statements in the form of so-called I-messages is an important resource for managing relationships in interaction. It is a non-categorical statement made "from oneself" and "about oneself" without appeal to logic, authorities, to any general principles, etc.: "I think...", "I feel..." . It would seem an elementary verbal "technique", but when used in communication, it encounters psychological obstacles.

So, the first reaction that a person usually shows when a communication partner expresses a point of view that does not coincide with the point of view of the listener is an objection to the content or / or an assessment of the speaker's point of view: "In my opinion, you are talking wrong." If the partner's point of view significantly affects the interests or feelings of the listener, then the emotional component of such a reaction intensifies: "You are talking nonsense!" In contrast to such formulations, the I-message would sound something like this: "When you say this, I immediately want to object, I even start to get angry."

The difference is huge. In the first case, this is a statement about a partner: he and his thought are evaluated, and the speaker is closed. This is the so-called "You-message".

In the second case, the speaker in the I-message spoke about himself, in no way evaluating the thought of the partner and himself.

Here it is the speaker who is open. The I-message is an invitation to more open communication. Deciding on such openness, especially with a subordinate, is often a difficult task for a leader: this is associated in his mind with a possible loss of status. However, the use of I-messages by the leaders who lead the discussion at the stages of problematization and transfer of problems into tasks is very effective for transferring the initiative to the participants, giving them a sense of freedom and psychological security, creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and accepting other people's opinions. It activates participants, increases the openness of communication, which, as we have seen, is very important for developing optimal decisions and taking responsibility for them."

listening technique

KEY TECHNIQUES

PROHIBITED POINTS

STATEMENTS - SOLUTIONS

These statements remove all responsibility from the subscriber and shift it to the consultant. They seem to say to the subscriber: "You're too dumb to figure out the problem, I'll have to do it for you." Direction, orders: you advise another person to do something, give him instructions. Warnings, threats, persuasion: You use your power to warn the other person of the consequences of their actions. Moralizing, instructing, admonishing: you tell a person what he should do. Tips, Suggestions, Solutions: You tell the person how to solve problems. Persuasion through logic and argument, instruction, lecture: an attempt to influence a person with facts, counterarguments, logic, information, or your opinion.

STATEMENTS THAT DECREASE YOUR SELF-ESTIMATION

The following forbidden techniques directly “attack” the other person’s own dignity and activity, letting him know: “Something is wrong with you, this needs to be put in order.” Discussion, criticism, disagreement, accusation: you negatively evaluate and feel the other person. Ridicule, name-calling, shaming: you make the person look stupid. Research, interrogation: you are trying to find reasons, motives, sources, find out the details. Praise, agreement, positive evaluation, approval: manipulation of another person with flattery or the promise of a reward. Interpretation, analysis, diagnosis: you tell the person what his motives are, analyze the principles of his words and actions, report that you have "figured out" him. Dissuasion, consolation, support: an attempt to improve a person’s well-being, “speak” him and get him out of his emotional state, deny the strength of his feelings.

STATEMENTS - NEGATIONS

These reactions negate or downplay the other person, their feelings and needs, saying in a veiled way that your feelings are ridiculous and you should forget about them. Escape from the problem, distraction, ridicule: an attempt to distract, take a person away from the problem and get away from it himself, “push away” the problem, ridicule the person.

Argumentation tactics

1. The installation in relation to the partner should be not only friendly, but also not self-centered.. Only with mutual respect and consideration of each other's interests will communication be truly partnership based on mutual respect and consideration of each other's interests. Egocentrism prevents this, not allowing a person to change the angle of view when perceiving and evaluating events, to see them from different angles and in their entirety. It forces a person to act in his "coordinate system", to approach the partner's statements with his own yardstick, to interpret the information coming from him in a favorable light for himself. The position of a person who communicates in this manner cannot be called objective, and his arguments cannot be called convincing.

2. Be respectful of the interlocutor and his position, even if it is unacceptable. Nothing has such a destructive effect on communication as the arrogant and dismissive attitude of partners towards each other. If, in response to his argument, the partner catches a note of irony or contempt in the speech of the opponent, then one can hardly count on a favorable outcome of the conversation.

3. Argumentation should be conducted "on the field" of the interlocutor, i.e. work directly with his arguments. Demonstrating their failure or the undesirable consequences of their adoption, one should put forward one's own, more acceptable in the interests of the common cause. This will give a better effect than repeating your own arguments multiple times.

4. Convincing a partner is easier for a convinced person. Defending your point of view, you can quickly influence the interlocutor. In this case, in addition to the logic that affects the rational layers of the psyche, the mechanism of emotional infection is activated. Fascinated by his idea, a person speaks emotionally and figuratively, which plays an important role in persuasion. Thus, the appeal not only to the mind, but also to the heart of the interlocutor gives a result. However, excessive emotionality, indicating a lack of logical argumentation, can cause a rebuff from the opponent.

5. Excitement and excitement when persuading are interpreted as insecurity persuasive, and therefore reduce the effectiveness of argumentation. Outbursts of anger, shouting, scolding cause a negative reaction of the interlocutor, forcing him to defend himself. The best means are courtesy, diplomacy, tact. But at the same time, politeness should not turn into flattery.

6. It is better to start the argumentation phrase with a discussion of those issues on which it is easier to reach agreement with the opponent. The more the partner agrees, the more chances to achieve the desired result. Only after that should we move on to the discussion of controversial issues. The main, most powerful arguments should be repeated many times, in different formulations and contexts.

7. Structuring information works effectively: sorting, highlighting paramount arguments and organizing them. You can arrange arguments into logical, temporary, and other blocks.

8. It is useful to develop a detailed plan of argument, taking into account the possible counter-arguments of the opponent. Having a plan will help build the logic of the conversation - the core for your arguments. This organizes the attention and thinking of the interlocutor, makes it easier for him to understand the position of the partner.

9. In speech, it is better to use simple, clear expressions. without abusing professional terminology and foreign words. A conversation can “drown” in a “sea” of concepts that are vague in meaning. Misunderstanding causes irritation and boredom in the interlocutor. It is easy to find a compromise if you take into account the educational and cultural level of your opponent. To use words persistently, firmly and resolutely is the tactic of a successful diplomat.

10. Uncertainty, fuzziness can be perceived by the interlocutor as insincerity. One should conduct the conversation using reason and feeling one's own strength, emphasizing confidence in one's point of view, but showing respect for the point of view of one's opponent.

11. Each new thought must be clothed in a new sentence.. Offers should not be in the form of a telegraphic message, but they should not be too long either. Stretched arguments are usually associated with the presence of doubts in the speaker. Short and simple phrases should be built not according to the norms of the literary language, but according to the laws of colloquial speech. The most important points can be distinguished intonation.

12. The flow of arguments in monologue mode dulls the attention and interest of the interlocutor. Their skillfully spaced pauses activate them. If it is necessary to emphasize some thought, then it is better to express it after a pause and slightly delay the speech after the promulgation of the thought. The partner will be able to take advantage of the timely pause and enter into the conversation, giving his comments. Neutralizing the interlocutor's claims along the way is much easier than unwinding a ball of them at the end of the argument. A prolonged pause makes the interlocutor tense up, fussing internally.

13. The principle of visibility is very effective when presenting arguments.. The visualization of the image is facilitated by the activation of the interlocutor's imagination. To this end, it is useful to use vivid comparisons, metaphors, aphorisms that help reveal the meaning of words and enhance their persuasive effect. A variety of analogies, parallels, associations contribute to the identification of truth, when they are appropriate and take into account the experience of the interlocutor. Well-chosen examples and the facts of life itself will strengthen the arguments. There should not be many of them, but they should be clear and convincing.

15. You should never tell a man that he is wrong. This will not convince him, but will only hurt his pride, and he will take a position of self-defense. After that, it is unlikely to be able to convince him. It's better to be more diplomatic: "Maybe I'm wrong, but let's see ..." This is a good way to offer your interlocutor your argument. It is better to admit your own wrongness immediately and openly, even if it is unprofitable, but in the future you can count on the partner’s similar behavior.

16. Honesty or perseverance, gentleness or aggressiveness - a way of behaving in decedes. This is what people will be ready for next time and what they will be ready to deal with. People have long memories, especially when they feel they have been treated unfairly in some way. The person who takes the aggressive approach is always trying to get as much as possible from the other party and tends to give as little as possible. The productivity of this approach is the opposite: potential partners are less cooperative and will usually not deal with this person more than once.

16. Rough conversational approach yields limited and short-term results. Pushing or forcing a partner to make a decision can have the opposite effect: the opponent will be stubborn and adamant. Bringing the interlocutor smoothly into making a decision will undoubtedly require more time, patience and perseverance, but this path is more likely to achieve a satisfactory and sustainable result.

17. Do not bet in advance on the resolution of the problem in your favor. When two people are involved in a discussion, they both feel like they are being given an opportunity and that they need to get the most out of the conversation. Each person may believe that the truth is on his side, that he is in a better position to substantiate his proposals or make demands. You may have to defend your point of view in a dispute with a person who is talking defiantly and rudely. Excessive firmness can interfere with this: it is important to be ready to make concessions in order to achieve the desired result.

18. To overcome the negative attitude of the interlocutor, you can create the illusion that the proposed idea, point of view belongs to him. To do this, it is enough just to lead him to the appropriate thought and give him the opportunity to draw a conclusion from it. This is a great way to gain his trust in the proposed idea.

19. You can refute the remark of the interlocutor even before it is expressed.- this will save you from subsequent excuses. More often, however, this is done after the utterance. You should not parry right away: this can be perceived by the partner as disrespect for his position. You can postpone your response to comments until a more tactically appropriate moment. It is possible that by that time it will lose its meaning, and then the need to answer it will disappear altogether.

20. If it is necessary to express critical remarks to the opponent, one should remember that the purpose of criticism is to help the interlocutor see the error and its possible consequences. rather than to prove that he is worse. Criticism should not be directed at the personality of the partner, but at erroneous actions and deeds. Criticism should be preceded by the recognition of any merits of the partner, this will help to get rid of resentment.

21. Instead of expressing your dissatisfaction, it is better to suggest a way to fix the error.. This can achieve the following:

• seize the initiative in choosing the means of solving the problem that has arisen and protect their interests in the best possible way;
• leave room for further collaboration.

22. Repositioning is helpful in resolving conflicts."I am against you" to the position of "we are against a common problem." This approach implies a willingness to negotiate terms, but it also helps to reach a solution that is as satisfying as possible for both parties.

23. Ability to end a conversation if it takes an undesirable direction, is also of great importance. It is necessary to know the point at which to retreat, to stop negotiating due to the impossibility of accepting the required conditions.

It may also happen that the result of the conversation did not meet the expectations of one of the partners. Probably, the reason lies not in the lack of mutual understanding, but in the erroneous tactics of the discussion. Here are some typical mistakes that can occur in negotiation and prevent a successful conclusion of the discussion:

1. Improvisation in preparation for a conversation.
2. Uncertainty about the purpose of the conversation.
3. Poor organization of speech.
4. Unfounded arguments.
5. Lack of attention to detail.
6. Lack of sincerity.
7. Absence of tact.
8. Reassessment of one's own position.
9. Disrespect for the position of the interlocutor
10. Unwillingness to compromise.

Those who take an active role should especially avoid such mistakes. This will help to make the argument more convincing, to gain the trust of the listener, to appear before him as a whole person.

When will you clean your room?

Did you get a notice again?

Do you do everything your way?

When will you learn to do it the first time?

How many times do you have to repeat?

Have you seen yourself in the mirror?

Familiar phrases, right? How often do we say them and wonder why they remain unanswered, or sometimes cause protest, objections, resentment and other negative feelings in our child?!

The answer is quite simple: such appeals begin with an accusation and do not look like a dialogue at all.

If we want communication with the child to be effective, it is necessary,

First of all, to recognize in him an equal interlocutor and, secondly, to restructure his appeal from "You-message" to "I-message".

The phrase containing the "You-message" looks aggressive and is perceived as criticism, accusation, it seems that the other is always right, he controls the situation and requires a report on the implementation. The "You-message" uses the words: you, you, you.

The phrase containing the "I-message" carries more information about the speaker, his feelings, opinions and positions; there is tact and respect for the one to whom it is addressed. In addition, a clear statement of desirable forms of behavior is appropriate in such a message. The "I-message" uses the words: I, me, I have.

I have a headache, please turn off the music.

It makes me very angry when things are scattered around the house. Please, clean up after yourself.

I feel very uncomfortable and hurt when people talk to me like that.

I'm confused by this look.

Any dissatisfaction that we usually express through the "You-message" can be presented to the child in a different way, using technique "I-messages" .

The phrase in this case consists of four main parts:

1. You need to start a phrase description Togo fact who does not suit you in human behavior. I emphasize that it is a fact! No emotions or evaluation of a person as a person. For example, like this: “When you are late…”.

3. Then you need explain, which impact this behavior is on you or on those around you. In the example of being late, the continuation could be: “because I have to stand at the entrance and freeze”, “because I don’t know the reason for your being late”, “because I have little time left to communicate with you”, etc.

4. In the final part of the phrase, you need inform about your desire, that is, about what kind of behavior you would like to see instead of the one that made you dissatisfied. To continue the belated example: "I would really like you to call me if you can't make it on time."

As a result, instead of the accusation “You are late again”, we get the phrase: “When you are late, I worry because I don’t know the reason for your being late. I would really like you to call me if you can't come on time."

"You-message": "You always do your own thing" can be replaced with "I-message": "When you do things your way, I get upset because I think that my opinion is not important to you. I would be glad if we decided together what to do.”

Using the "I-messages" technique requires some experience, because it is not always possible to quickly orient and restructure the phrase, but over time it will get better and better.

The technique of "I-messages" does not force the child to defend himself; on the contrary, it invites him to a dialogue, gives him the opportunity to express his opinion.

This allows you to better know and understand the child!

Exercises for training on "I-messages":

SITUATION 1. Children talk loudly during lunch.

Your words:

1. "When I eat, I am deaf and dumb."

2. “What are you so angry about, choke. Then you will know howtalk while eating.

Z. “I don’t like it when people talk loudly at the table during dinner.”

Your choice

SITUATION 2. You came home late from work, and the child did not complete parthomework for school.

Your words:

1. “Lord, when will you finally do your homework on time?”

2. “Again, nothing has been done. When will it end? I am tired of this.You will do your homework until the morning.”

3. “It worries me that the lessons have not yet been done.I'm starting to get nervous. I want lessons to be doneuntil 8 p.m.".

Your choice SITUATION 3. You need to do some work at home(for example: write a report), and your child constantly distracts you: asks questions, asks to read, shows his drawings.

Lena Kuznetsova
Effective Communication Techniques: I - Message

In recent decades, interest in the problems of communication has increased. An amazing fact: in human interaction, more than half of all problems relate to a lack of mutual understanding.

A person wants to say one thing, says another, the interlocutor hears a third in this and interprets it as a fourth. Psychologists call this communication difficulty. To overcome these difficulties, specialists identified those forms of communication that maximize the development of mutual understanding and cooperation. They are called effective communication techniques. You can apply these techniques in the family, and at work, and when clarifying various conflict situations. We'll talk about technology

i-messages

What are I-messages and why are they needed

I-message is a competent expression of one's dissatisfaction.

I-messages are not meant to change the behavior of another. And this must be remembered. I-messages are used to ensure that the interlocutor hears and understands you.

Why don't children hear us? Because we are used to you-messages. The accusatory tone of such sentences alienates us from each other, forces us to step back, and take a defensive position.

I-messages contain personal pronouns, as a rule, they begin with the words: I don’t like, it tires me, I don’t like it. P.

The most dangerous and conflict-producing you-messages begin with second-person pronouns: You, to you, because of you, etc. The interlocutor is offended by any such message, or reacts with a counter-accusation. For example: “Again you made a mess, I no longer have the strength to clean it all up!”

How to use the i-message technique

1. Description of the fact: When you arrive late…

2. Description of sensation, feelings: I am either a verb ... upset, worried, upset, etc.

3. Explanation why: because I don’t know where you are and what’s wrong with you…

4. Message about your desire or desire: I would like you to call me when you are late.

Many parents sometimes find it difficult to contain negative emotions when communicating with a child. They break down and yell at their son or daughter, and then they are tormented by guilt and ask what to do. How to avoid it? The technique of "I-messages" will help you.

How to communicate with children using "I-messages"?

1. Use "I-messages" more often to express your positive emotions

The child needs to feel the love of his parents. Tell him more often: “I am glad (a) to see you”, “I love you”, “I like to play with you”.

2. Listen to the child without interrupting.

The child does not yet know how to express their feelings in the way that adults can. And don't expect it from him. First, listen to everything he tells you, asking clarifying questions.

3. Teach your child to talk about their emotions in the form of "I-messages"

Teach your child to formulate whims and dissatisfaction with the help of "I-messages". Let him talk about how he feels.

For example, a son tells you: "Mom, I don't want to go to kindergarten tomorrow." You answer: “Are you tired and want to rest?”. Or the daughter came from the street and declares: “I won’t play with Masha anymore, she’s greedy!”. Can be reformulated to: "Are you mad that she didn't give you her doll?". Such phrases allow you to establish contact with the child: after making sure that he is understood, the child will readily share his difficulties and allow you to help solve them.

4. Express dissatisfaction with the actions of the child, but not with him

It is possible and necessary to express dissatisfaction, but not by the child himself, but by his actions. “I-messages” allow you to express your own feelings instead of blaming the child: “I get upset when you say bad words”, not “You say bad words”, and in no case “You are a bad boy if you say bad words” .

The main message that the child receives from you in this case is: “You are dear to me (ah, I love you very much, but your act upsets me.”

5. Tell us about the reasons for your dissatisfaction

After you have expressed your dissatisfaction to the child using "I-messages", talk about the reasons for it. For example, the growing daughter returned late from a walk, you were worried, and tomorrow is a new working day. Tell your daughter that it will be difficult for you to fall asleep, and that tomorrow you need to get up early for work. Naturally, also using "I-messages".

If the child still does not understand you, go back to point 1: “Use “I-messages” more often.”

6. Describe what kind of behavior you expect from the child

At the end of the conversation with the child, explain to him what behavior you expect from him. If we take the above example of communicating with a teenage daughter, then the phrase would look like this: “I would really like you to come home from a walk earlier.”

If the child has already grown up, then he may not agree with the line of behavior that you propose. In this case, it is necessary to seek a compromise and return to point 2 "Listen to the child without interrupting."

Now, for a little practice.

Exercise 1. Please replace typical demand and accusation phrases with interesting “I-messages”

(see presentation)

Exercise 2. Choose "I-statement"

Situation 1. Children are talking loudly during lunch.

Your words:

1. "When I eat, I am deaf and dumb."

2. “What are you so angry about, choke. Then you will learn how to talk while eating.

3. "I don't like it when people talk loudly at the table during dinner."

Situation 2. You came home late from work, and the child did not complete part of the homework.

Your words:

1. “Lord, when will you finally do your homework on time?”

2. “Again, nothing has been done. When will it end? I am tired of this. You will do your homework until the morning.”

3. “It worries me that the lessons have not yet been done. I'm starting to get nervous. I want the lessons to be done until 8 pm.”

Situation 3. You need to do some work at home, and your child constantly distracts you: asks questions, asks to read, shows his drawings.

Your words:

1. “Stop pulling me. Get busy and don't pester me while I'm at work."

2. “Sorry, I can’t play with you right now. I am very busy. When I finish my work, I will definitely read it to you.

3. “I get irritated when distracted. I lose my mind and get angry, it prevents me from doing the work quickly.

Learning to speak in the format of "I - messages" is not easy. To do this, it is desirable to train. It is enough to apply this technique for at least one day, and subsequently this new form of communication will become a habit.

Of course, in everyday speech it will not be possible to immediately come up with a beautiful sentence, but this is not necessary, the main thing is to stick to a simple I-message scheme.

It must be remembered that the use of the I-message technique in itself does not necessarily mean that the partner will accept our position, agree with our point of view. However, our point of view will be available and open to him, which means that we are on the right path to mutual understanding.

Error Parsing

1. Fake you messages. One must beware of "centaurs", that is, sentences that begin with a first person pronoun and end with a reproach or accusation. It's still You-messages. For example: I don't like it when you behave so badly!

2. Hidden reproach. If the text of the I-message contains a hidden reproach, you will not be heard or understood. For example, “I do everything alone, I fall off my feet, but at least you have something!”

3. Insincere I-messages. “I’ll be upset if you don’t go to bed now” - there is manipulation, instead of

positive self-message. It is necessary not only to express your feelings and set conditions, you need to sincerely inform the interlocutor about your true experiences.

4. Complete rejection of you-messages. This is not true, because it is necessary to use positive you-messages: “You helped me a lot”, “You yourself went to bed on time, you are so good!” etc.

If you do not let them know how you feel, then the person may simply not think of it!

i-message or I-statement is a form of effective and conflict-free communication. Today I present the shortest self-message formula. it literally consists of 2 words.

I am a message

The shortest form of I-messages.

The shortest formula I-messages consists of only 2 words. This is a very important form of communication.

Moreover, this form of I-message serves an external and internal purpose.

Examples of short I-messages.

Short "I-message": I'm shy.

I rejoice. I love. I am angry. I'm excited. I am enchanted. I am angry. I'm afraid. I am disappointed.

The external goal of I-messages.

The most important external goal of any self is messages , including the short one help your interlocutor learn about you : about your feelings, desires, intentions. Help to learn about your emotional state, your reaction to what is happening.

Example.

You come home from work frowning and tense. Your spouse asks, “What happened?” . Your answer: "nothing" will not clarify, but will only aggravate the wife's anxiety. Much better, especially when you don't want to talk, will be the answer: "I'm tired" or even "I'm tense." These phrases will serve to continue your conversation with your wife in a constructive dialogue. Moreover, even 5 minutes will not pass, as your tension and fatigue will disappear somewhere.

The inner goal of the Self is messages.

The Most Important Inner Purpose of the Short Me Message is to help you reduce the intensity of your feelings and sensations .

If you are subscribed to my newsletter Secrets of your excellent mood“, then you know the rule for reducing the intensity of a strong feeling. You need to name it as accurately as possible (remember Dictionary of Feelings) and assign it to yourself. That is to say in the form i-messages.

RULE: The precisely named feeling on behalf of "I" passes to a lower level in terms of the degree of experience, sensation, or is replaced by another feeling.

Example.

You have just been shouted at and yours is simply furious and wants to take revenge on the offender.

Wrong: try to calm down and suppress this feeling in yourself (by the way, what kind?). So before a heart attack or a suddenly opened gastric ulcer is within easy reach!

Correctly:

• quickly determine our feeling and select the right word to express it;
• in this example, that feeling is rage;
• expressing out loud (if this is a close one) or in a whisper / silently (if this is a boss) this feeling in the form of a short I-message;
• I am angry! The intensity does not decrease, then try: I am furious, I want revenge, It hurts me ...
• Help with your body: stamp your foot, clench your fists, shake your hands in the air!
• Yeah… the feeling started to change… You seem to be calming down.
• Have you learned this lesson?

So, the short I-message formula is both simple and powerful at the same time.

Can you imagine how powerful and feature rich the complete 5-step i-message form is?

Do you want to start using the full form in the most difficult and confusing situations of interaction with other people?

Then right now, dedicated to a detailed analysis and development full formula i-statement .

I-message will help you:

Build phrases and prepare a speech considering the main 5 components of the “I-text”.

Communicate without conflict and seek from the interlocutor the actions you need.

Treat yourself in difficult and stressful situations.

End relationships on an emotional level with former lovers, spouses, bosses, without resorting to communicating with them.

Say goodbye to the dead, if you did not have time to do it during your lifetime. Or someone you no longer want to date.

Speak like a successful communicator.

Write in the comments, examples of successful use of a short I-message in communication.

I-sharing!!!

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Relationships based on mutual understanding are built on the following important points:

understanding the child's emotional state and putting into words what we have understood;

awareness of one's own state and expression of one's own feelings in the correct form.

“Active listening” will help us understand the state of the child, and “I-messages” will help us express our own feelings and wishes.

Active listening rules.

Before expressing your own thoughts about the situation in which the child is, you must, first of all, understand him, understand how he feels in this situation. This is easy to do if you listen carefully to what the child says. Behind any phrases you can hear the feelings that he is experiencing at this moment. And by telling the child that we know about his experiences, we give him the opportunity to talk about his experiences and be understood.

To do this, it is best to say what exactly, according to your impression, the child feels now and call this feeling “by name”. This technique is called Active Listening.

Actively listening to a child means returning to him in a conversation what he told you, while indicating his feelings.

Son: He took my car!

Mom: You are very upset and angry with him.

Son: I won't go there again!

Dad: You don't want to go to school anymore.

Daughter: I won't wear that stupid hat!

Mom: You don't like her very much.

Features and rules of conversation according to the method of active listening:

Firstly. Be sure to face the child. It is important that your and his eyes are at the same level. If the child is small, sit down next to him, take him in your arms or put him on your knees; you can gently pull the child to you, come up or move your chair closer to him.

Secondly. If you are talking to an upset or distressed child, you should not ask him questions. It is desirable that your answers sound in the affirmative form.

The affirmative form shows that the parent has tuned in to the "emotional wave" of the child, that he hears and accepts his feelings. A phrase framed as a question does not reflect sympathy.

Thirdly. It is very important to "keep a pause" in a conversation. After each of your remarks, it is best to be silent. Pauses help the child understand his experience and at the same time feel more fully that you are near. If the child’s eyes do not look at you, but to the side, “inside” or far away, then continue to be silent: very important and necessary inner work is happening in him now.

Fourth. In your answer, it is sometimes helpful to repeat what you understand happened to the child, and then indicate his feelings. For repetition, you can use other words, but with the same meaning.

Son: I will no longer hang out with Petya!

Father: You don't want to be friends with him anymore. (repetition of what was heard).

Son: Yes, I do not want ...

Father (after a pause): You were offended by him ... (designation of feelings).

Thus, Active Listening leads to very important results for mutual understanding: the negative experiences of the child are weakened; the child, making sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to talk about himself more and more; besides, he himself is advancing in resolving his issue.

Examples:

Formula "I-messages".

To express your feelings and wishes in a constructive way, it is best to use "I-messages". In such messages, we speak on our own behalf and about ourselves (about our feelings, thoughts, wishes). Such phrases help the child understand you.

For example, the phrase “I am very tired” (“I-message”) evokes sympathy and a desire to somehow support a person. While the phrase "You bore me" ("You-message") can cause resentment or guilt, which do not contribute to mutual understanding.

The "I-message" can be constructed as follows:

– event (when…, if…)

– your reaction (I feel…)

- your preferred outcome (I would like to ...; I preferred ...; I would be glad to ...)

Example:

I get so tired (feeling) of tying your shoelaces (event) all the time, how I wish you could learn to do it yourself (preferred outcome).

When I see dirty hands (event), I get goosebumps (feelings), I would be very happy if you washed your hands before eating (preferred outcome).

I am offended and angry (feelings) when I come tired and find a mess at home (event).

The primary purpose of the I-message is not to force someone to do something, but to communicate their opinion, their position, their feelings and needs. In this form, the child will hear and understand them much faster.

Thus, having understood the child and expressing our feelings and wishes, using the methods described, we get the opportunity to constructively resolve the issue and move towards mutual understanding and trust.

child, family psychologist

Based on the materials of the book Gippenreiter Yu.B. Communicate with the child. How?