American jokes. The best jokes in English

Good day! Perhaps English humor is famous all over the world. The British, like no one else, know how to joke, both on others and on themselves. English humor is on the one hand witty, subtle and sarcastic, and on the other hand flat, rude and prim. It all depends on how much you understand the mentality of the British, the culture of the country and the language itself. English jokes are most often momentary impromptu.

For the first time, Soviet viewers heard good English jokes while watching the movie Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. In the mid-90s, the British comic programs Mr. Bean and The Benny Hill Show appeared on our TV screens, where we encountered sarcastic and slightly rude English jokes with translation. At first, such jokes in English caused misunderstanding and bewilderment, but later we began to better understand the specifics of these jokes, and even fell in love with the English humorous shows.

Researchers of the characters of the British unanimously confirm the opinion that humor is a national trait of the British. This trait has been cultivated in England for centuries, considered one of the most important virtues of a person. In the old British treatises on good manners and education, it is said that a sense of humor must be cultivated in order to achieve perfection.

Subtle humor and self-irony haunt the British everywhere: on radio broadcasts, on TV shows, in the media, in books and in everyday life. The carriers no longer feel it as sharply and react to jokes as foreigners, because for them this is already a kind of thinking. The most common humorous form, which is characteristic of the English, is fun for general fun and joy.

If you do not understand where to laugh, then I advise you to delve into the culture or history of Great Britain, or pay attention to compound words (from two bases). For example:

— Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
— Regular rocks are too heavy.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
“Because ordinary stones are very heavy.

Well, what's funny here? - you ask. The fact is that the word trefoil (shamrocks) includes the word stone (rocks), this is the whole “salt”.

I hope these simple notes will help you understand English humor at least a little. But still, you will not be able to fully master all the subtleties of the good old English joke. To do this, you must be born an Englishman.

Read jokes with translation! Have a good mood! See you later!

(translation from English)

The world's first fully computerized airliner was about to take off on its maiden voyage without pilots or crew. The plane automatically taxied to the landing zone, the doors automatically opened, got out and lowered the gangway. The passengers boarded and took their seats. The ladder automatically retracted, the doors closed, and the liner approached the runway. “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,” a voice said, “we are pleased to welcome you to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airship. Everything on this aircraft functions with the help of electronic devices and mechanisms. Sit back in your chairs and relax. Everything will be alright... Everything will be alright... Everything will be alright...

I know why you didn't go to work yesterday - you played golf.
- But that's not true! And as proof, I can show you the fish I caught yesterday...

Undoubtedly, the development of modern technology leads to great changes. But sometimes this is manifested only in a change in terminology. So, schoolchildren no longer blame their dogs as an excuse. A modern excuse might sound like this: the hard drive ate my homework...

For Americans, it's not as important to win as it is to look like a winner.

Well, what are you going to do about your excess weight?
- I don't know, doctor. Nothing helps me. Maybe I have an overactive thyroid...
- Analyzes show that everything is in order with your thyroid gland. If you have anything overactive, it's your fork.

The parents promised the kid a real big and special surprise for his birthday, and he really got it. He looked with admiration at the huge adult St. Bernard standing in the middle of the living room. The boy slowly approached the dog, walked carefully around it and looked into its large brown eyes. Then he turned to his mother and asked:
Is he for me, or am I for him?

The hurricane was so strong that it swept everything away, except for the diamond hairpin of the farmer's daughter, who asked:
How did you manage to save her?
And I put it in my mouth...
It's a pity your mother wasn't at home at the time. We would have saved the horse, the cart, and some of the furniture...

Two lions escaped from the Washington Zoo and dispersed in different directions. A few weeks later they met.
“It’s so hard for me to get food,” one complained, “how are you?”
- Oh, I'm doing pretty well. I've found a good hiding place in the Pentagon and I eat a General every week. I think it will be many more years before they discover the loss ...

Like any other nation, Americans know that their country is the best in the world.

We had a very successful trip to Russia - we came back ... (Bob Hope)

Reviews

It means that the Englishman and the American are walking together, approaching the elevator:
- Please, sir, - says the American, - let's go to the "elevator" (American elevator).
- Sir, - the Englishman answers, - this thing is called "lift" (lift in English).
- Well, how? After all, the elevator was invented in America!
- Maybe you will argue that the English language was invented in America ?!
---
Albert, great selection!

Thank you for the nice review and joke!
Although the American is also somewhere a little right, because, indeed, in a number of cases (take, for example, computer, space, and other terminology), scientific and technological progress to a certain extent also determines the development of the language ... Thanks to this, in particular , Americans sometimes lead in word creation. In my opinion, this is an objective and natural process... Of course, the American and British languages ​​are sometimes very dissimilar. Remember, O. Wilde wrote that England and America are two countries separated by a common language. Witty and true.
Sorry for the wordiness...
I wish you success!
Sincerely.

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I am often asked about purely American jokes. It turns out that I had a selection of purely American jokes. I'm posting it here, albeit in an abbreviated form. Picked up more or less funny. Read, for the sake of Saturday laugh! 🙂

Collection of American jokes and anecdotes

Translated from English by Mikhail Genin (niho(a)estart.com) 2004

Rules: how to tell jokes and jokes.

1. Be sure you know the anecdote well and can replay it in your mind before you start telling it.
2. Try to make it as short as possible.
3. Avoid telling one joke after another and give the listener a break.
4. Remember that jokes must be funny and must not offend anyone present.
5. Vary your jokes, even if you have favorites.
6. Learn to tell a joke without laughing until you finish it.

Marty: "You heard Bob got kicked out of school for cheating."
Wade: How did this happen?
Marty: "He was caught counting his ribs in his biology exam."

Coid: "Only by chance did I read the letter on your desk."
Ken: "Accidentally"?
Coid: "Yeah, I happened to be wearing glasses."

Him: "I'm glad I wasn't born in France."
She: "Why"?
Him: "I can't speak French."

Bob: "With the money I saved, I bought a truss that's 10 miles long and half an inch wide."
Joe: "Well, what are you going to grow on it"?
Bob: "I planted spaghetti."

Fred: "My uncle has the world's laziest rooster on his farm."
Bill: How do you know?
Fred: "He never crows at dawn. And, waiting for other roosters to start crowing, he nods his head in agreement.

Joe: "You put your boots on the wrong feet."
Mo: "But I don't have other legs!"

“Every time I drink tea from a cup, I have a piercing pain in my right eye. What should I do"?
"Take the spoon out of the cup."

"Is that Joe"?
"Of course it's Joe."
"Doesn't sound like Joe."
"Don't worry, it's Joe."
"Then, Joe, lend me 10 bucks"?
"I'll ask him as soon as he comes."

Ted: "I saw you pushing your bike on your way to work."
Mad: "Yeah, I was so late I didn't have time to get on it."

Coid: "Is it true that carrots are good for eyesight"?
Fred: "Well, I've never met a rabbit with glasses."

Man: "Did you catch so many fish yourself"?
Boy: Oh no. The worm helped me."

First boy: "Tell me, what's the best way to teach a girl to swim"?
Second boy: “Well, it requires a certain technique. First, you grab her waist with your left hand. Then you gently take her left hand and…”
First boy: "She is my sister."
Second boy: "Oh, then you just push her off the board!"

The tenant from the second floor called the tenant from the first floor and shouted:
"If you don't stop playing that creepy saxophone, I'll go crazy."
"I'm afraid it's too late," he replied. "I stopped playing an hour ago."

Host: "If you are going to stay overnight, you must make your own bed."
Guest: “That suits me.”
Owner: “Here is a hammer and a saw for you. Goodnight".

The teacher asked the students to list all the American states. One little boy answered so quickly and with such accuracy that she interrupted him.
"You answered very well," she said, "much better than I could answer at your age."
"Yes," said the boy, "that's understandable, since there were only thirteen states then."

Him: "What would I have to give for a single kiss"?
Her: Chloroform.

Joan: "I didn't mean to upset you, Dick, but I got engaged to Joe yesterday."
Dick: "Okay, how about next week"?

Him: "I suppose I've seen your face somewhere else"?
She: “What are you, sir. It is always here and with me.”

An important lady in Washington thought she could talk to President Coolidge himself. Having caught him during lunch, she decided that such a moment had come.
"Oh, Mr. President," she said, trying to disarm him with her directness. "I bet I could make you say more than three words."
"You lost," Coolidge replied.

The chief went into the warehouse and froze. He saw a boy who was leaning against the package and frankly lounging. It was unheard of impudence in his enterprise.
"How much do you get per week"? the boss asked sternly.
"One hundred and twenty dollars."
"Here's your hundred and twenty. Now, get out of here. You're fired".
After the boy philosophically hid the money in his pocket and left, the boss turned to the foreman and demanded: “Since when has this bum been working for us?”
"Never, as far as I know," was the answer. "He just brought us a package."

A beautiful young lady filed a check at the bank window to get cash. The clerk quickly checked the check and asked, "Can you identify yourself?"
After that, the young woman opened her purse, took out a mirror from it and, after looking into it for a couple of seconds, looked at the clerk and said, "Yes, it's me, don't worry."

One evening, a young woman, returning from a first aid course, stumbled upon a man lying face down on the unlit side of the street. “Here,” she thought, “now I will help this unfortunate one.”
After parking nearby, she ran up to him and began to give the man artificial respiration.
At first, the man coughed, then turned to her and, speaking with difficulty, said: “I turned on the lantern for the guy working downstairs in the sewer well. I don't know what you thought, but I want you to let me continue my work."

The girl got a job as a stenographer, and she had to pass a test for the correct spelling of words.
"How do you spell the word Mississippi"? asked her.
She thought for a moment and then said, "The river or the state"?

Salesperson: “I've been trying to see you all this week. When will you be able to receive me?"
Director: "Agree on this with my secretary."
Salesperson: "I made a deal and we had a great time, but now I need to meet you."

A young woman entered a bookstore and approached the sales assistant.
“Do you return the money if the consumer is not satisfied with the quality of the goods”? she asked.
"It depends on the product," the seller explained.
"This item is a book."
“What didn’t you like about her, madam?”
"Well," she replied, "I didn't like her ending."

Patient: "Will my artificial teeth look like real teeth"?
Dentist: "Madam, I made them so natural that they will even hurt."

Man: (breaking into the hardware store) "Quick! Give me a mousetrap."
Salesperson: One minute, sir!
Man: “Don’t stand like a pillar. Faster. I have to catch a taxi."
Seller: "Oh, sorry, sir, we don't have such a big mousetrap."

The heavy rock lover listened to another disc and turned to his father, who at that time was reading the evening newspaper, exclaiming: “Well, have you ever heard anything like this”?
The father raised his head and replied, “No, not really. The closest thing I've ever heard is when a truck full of empty crockery crashed into a truck carrying pigs."

For his birthday, his parents gave little Willy a bicycle and proudly watched his debut.
On the first lap, Willy shouted: "Look mom, I'm driving without hands."
On the second lap, he said: "Look, mom, I'm driving without legs."
For the third time: "Look mom, I'm eating without teeth"!

Photographer: (to a young man) "The picture will look much better if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."
Father: "It will be much more natural if his hand is in my pocket."

The girl returned home from college and enthusiastically told her father about the undoubted benefits of physical education.
“Just look at this exercise. To strengthen the muscles of my arms, I take this stick by one end and move it slowly from right to left.”
“Well, great!” exclaimed the father. “And what science does not invent! If the stick had straw on the other end, you could also sweep the floor.”

The young husband, who agreed with his wife that they needed a vacuum cleaner, was very upset when, instead of the standard model, the wife bought a super vacuum cleaner.
“But, dear,” the wife explained, “it will not cost more! All we have to do is pay a little longer.”

Question: "How to quickly disperse the crowd"?
Answer: "Pass the hat around."

Having paid his hotel bill, the departing guest suddenly turned to the messenger:
“Quick, kid, run upstairs to room 454 and see if I left my pajamas and my razor. Run fast because my train leaves in six minutes.”
Four minutes later, out of breath, the messenger returned. "Yes, sir," he reported, "they are indeed there."

Two political candidates from different parties argue at a rally:
"There are a hundred ways to make money," declared the candidate, "but only one of them is honest."
"And what is it"? asked his opponent.
"Yeah!" said the first. "I thought you didn't know."

Hearing the doorbell, the owner of the house hurried to open the front door and found an old friend and a large dog next to him.
“Come in! Come in!” he joyfully greeted the guest.
A friend entered the house and sat down, while the dog chased the owner's cat, knocked over a table lamp and several vases, finally settling into the best chair.
When the guest was about to leave, the host said with sarcasm in his voice: "Try not to forget your dog!"
“Dog? I don't have any dog,” replied the guest. "I thought it was your dog."

"How old are you"? asked her at the magistrate. "Don't forget, you're giving information under oath."
"Twenty-one years and a few months," the lady replied.
"How many months"?
"One hundred and eight".

“Today it's so hot that I don't want to get dressed,” Jack says, getting out of the shower, “darling, what do you think our neighbors will think if I go out to mow the lawn in this form”?
"Probably I married you for money."

Oh my God! Send me Wisdom to understand my husband, Love to forgive him, and Patience to endure his mood swings. Because, my God, if I ask you for Strength, I will beat him to death.
Amen

A fairy godmother appeared to a 60-year-old couple on their 40th wedding anniversary. She said that because they were so devoted to each other, she would grant one of their most cherished wishes.
The wife wished to travel around the world.
Whack…! At that very moment, cruise tickets were in her hands.
The husband wished for a woman thirty years younger than him...
Whack…! In the same second, he turned into a ninety-year old man.

Little David was not good at math at all. Whatever his parents did! Teachers, mentors, special training centers, and no use. As a last resort, someone suggested sending him to a Catholic school. David was soon accepted into St. Mary's School.
Immediately after the first day at school, David ran into his room with a bullet, even forgetting to say hello to his mother. He began to study in all seriousness, books and papers lay all over the room. Immediately after dinner, forgetting about the TV, he returned to his studies. The parents were surprised.
This behavior continued for weeks until the report card arrived. David put the envelope on the table and went to his room. With great excitement, the mother opened the envelope. Her boy had an A in math.
She ran to him, hugged him and asked: “David, dear, how did this happen? Did the nuns help you?
"Not!" said David. "The first day I came to school, I saw this kid nailed to the plus sign, I realized that they are not joking here."

A Russian and an American went to hell, Satan asks them:
- Well, what kind of hell do you want, Russian or American?
American:
- What's different?
Satan:
- Well, in American hell you have to eat a bucket of shit a day and do what you want, but in Russian - 2 buckets of shit.
- Well, I'll go to the American, there is less shit.
- And I'm Russian, I've lived in Russia all my life, so you have to go to Russian hell.
A month passes, a Russian and an American meet, the Russian asks:
- Well, how are you in American hell?
- Normally, I eat a bucket of shit a day and everything is in order, but how are you?
- And here, as in Russia, they won’t bring shit, then there aren’t enough buckets for everyone !!

All Americans go to heaven when they die. Because imperceptibly for the apostle Peter, the gates of hell are slightly shifted.

A tribe of cannibals caught an American, a Frenchman and a Russian. Leader:
- We will eat this thin French woman for breakfast ... We will eat this fat American for lunch ...
Tribe:
- A Russian we'll eat for dinner?
Leader:
- No, we will release the Russian, I studied with him in the same group at MGIMO.

The main difference between a Russian patriot and an American one is that the Russian hates America, while the American doesn't give a damn about Russia.

One shark says to another:
- Why are you so fat?
- I eat tourists from Russia.
- It's dangerous! They can kill!
- Not! This is when you grab an American or a German, then fellow countrymen rush to help. And if these, then their compatriots shout:
- Have fun, lads, what an exotic! And filmed on video...

An American soldier returns from the front and travels through England in a train. All the seats are occupied, only in one compartment sits an Englishwoman, opposite her on the seat is a dog, next to it is an Englishman.
- Lady, let me sit down!
- You Americans are all very rude! Don't you see, my dog ​​is sitting here!
- But lady, I'm very tired, I fought for three months at the front, I want to sit down!
- You Americans are not only very rude! You are still annoying!
- Lady! I also love dogs, I have two of them at home. Let me sit down and hold your dog in my arms!
- You Americans are not only very rude and annoying! You are simply unbearable!
After these words, the American soldier takes the dog, throws it out the window and sits down. Lady is speechless. An Englishman sitting next to him says:
- You know, young man! I don't agree with her definition of Americans at all, but let me point out that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You're driving on the wrong side of the road, holding the fork in the wrong hand, and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!

An American, a Chinese and a Jew were sitting in the restaurant.
- Everyone got a fly in the soup.
- The American immediately made a scandal.
- The Chinese ate a fly.
- And the Jew sold his fly to the Chinese.

The tsar said to the American, the Frenchman and the Ukrainian that how much they ride on a horse across the field - all that land is theirs. Well, an American jumps for an hour or two, looks back - “Oh, yes, this is enough for me and my descendants for life!” The Frenchman galloped ... an hour, two, three, four - he touched the horse, “But no, the horse is tired, and this land is enough for me.” The climax is a Ukrainian jumping. An hour, two, three ... a day, the second went, the horse, exhausted, is already falling, he gets up and runs, runs, runs, but his strength leaves him and he falls backwards to the ground, takes off his hat in his head and throws it forward, with a cry of “Ah tse pid tomatoes!!”

US software makers have made a startling discovery. It turns out that the reading speed of Russians is hundreds of thousands of times higher than the reading speed of Americans. This became obvious after counting the milliseconds it takes the average Russian to read the user (license) agreement and press *AGREE*.

He sits in a Russian cafe and has an afternoon snack. He has a sandwich with jam and muesli on the table. An American approaches him and, chewing gum, asks him:
- But do you Russians eat whole bread?
Russian answers:
- Of course! And what?
An American blowing a bubble gum says:
- We don't! We, Americans, eat only the crumb, and we collect the crusts in containers, process them, make muesli out of them and sell them to Russia!
The Russian is silent. The American, again inflating a bubble of gum, asks:
- Do you Russians eat sandwiches with jam?
Russian answers:
- Of course we eat!
- We don't! We in America eat only fresh fruit. We collect seeds, peel and all sorts of bits there in containers, process them, make jam from them and sell them to Russia!
And happy again inflates the bubble. This, finally, pretty offended the Russian, and he, in turn, asks:
- What do you do with condoms after use?
American:
- Throw away, of course.
Russian:
- We don't! We Russians collect them in containers, process them, make chewing gum out of them and sell them to America.

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The mother wrote a letter congratulating her son on his engagement.

“My dear boy, what wonderful news. Father and I rejoice in your happiness. We have long dreamed that you would marry successfully, for a good wife is the best gift from heaven to a man. It helps him develop all the best qualities in himself and suppress the vices.

At the end of the letter was the father's postscript:

“Mother went for the stamp. Stay single, fool."

Tramp. Have you, madam, a piece of cake for a poor man who has not eaten a crumb for two days?

X o z i y k a. Cake? Wouldn't bread suit you?

Tramp. Usually yes, madam, but today is my birthday.

V i f i. I was a fool to marry you.

X a b b i. Yes, but I was so infatuated with you then that I didn't notice it.

Flannigan had a bad toothache, so taking his friend Bark with him to support him, he went to the doctor. The doctor gave Bark a needle and whispered:

When I say "come on," poke him from behind with this needle.

After placing Flannigan in a chair and tying him tightly, the doctor said, "Come on," and the tooth came out easily, because the patient's attention was distracted by the pain of the needle prick.

Well, does it hurt? the doctor asked.

Yeah, not really,” Flannigan admitted, rubbing his hands up and down. “But I swear I never thought that teeth had such long roots.

One day, two teenagers went to a strange garden for pears and on the way home they began to think about how to share what they had collected.

Listen, - said one, - there is a comfortable bench near the cemetery, let's go there.

Well, come on, - answered the other, - you just need to leave two pears at the entrance for good luck.

No sooner said than done, and they sat down to share the pears.

One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...

Hearing these exclamations in the cemetery, an old man dozing not far away rushed down the road. A passer-by stopped him and asked what was the matter.

There, in the cemetery, the devil and God share human souls, - the old man answered frightened.

Together they approached the cemetery gates and listened.

One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me. The end, a voice said.

No, not all of them, there are a couple more outside the gate.

And the passer-by, together with the old man, gave such a rush that only the heels flashed.

Excuse me, - says the detective, opening the doors of the music school, - but I would like to get comprehensive information about what is happening here.

What do you really want, what's the matter? - there were indignant voices.

You see, we received a call from a neighboring house and were informed that Wagner was being killed here. And the chief sent me to investigate this case.

The tramp knocked on the door and, when it opened, asked the hostess:

I beg your pardon, madam, but could you sew a button on my coat?

Of course, why not? - answered the kind woman, - come in.

The tramp entered the house and handed the button to the hostess.

Very well, - she answered, - but where is the coat?

Oh madam, I have nothing more than a button, and I thought maybe you could sew some of your coat on it ...

A pretty young girl went for a walk. When she returned, her mother asked:

Where have you been, daughter?

Only in the park, mom.

No one, replies the daughter.

Then please explain to me, - says the mother, - how did it happen that you went for a walk with an umbrella, and returned home with a cane?

Is it a speedometer? she asked, tapping her finger on the instrument.

Yes, dear, I replied in a gentle cooing voice.

Are the headlights on here? she continued to wonder.

Yes, dear, - I answered even more tenderly.

And this is the ignition, isn't it, honey?

Yes, my dear, - and I took my foot off the gas pedal, because there was a courier train thirty meters from the crossing.

What is this funny pedal? she asked, pressing hard on her with her small, slender leg.

This, my love, is the gate to heaven, - I answered in a soft angelic voice, picked up the golden harp and sped off into heaven.

The younger companion, in love with the pretty secretary, was having a flirtatious conversation with her, when suddenly the owner entered the office.

So, where did we end up? the young man asked with a businesslike air. The girl did not see the arrival of the owner.

You talked about our future, dear, she answered, about our house, about the comfort in the living room by the firelight and how you would like to fill the face of this old monkey ...

He was a quiet and reserved young man. After standing for half an hour at the gate of the house where Mary lived, he saw how the door suddenly opened and a woman appeared before him, giving him a stern look.

Who are you waiting for here? she asked angrily.

M-me ... e ... ri, - he stuttered, frightenedly answered.

If that's the case, get out of here," she ordered. - You are not suitable for Mary. When her father was courting me and I suddenly didn’t go on a date, he climbed over the garden fence, strangled the dog, put out the window, locked my father in the room, put a ring on my finger and said that we would get married right away. That's the kind of groom we'd like for Mary.

His service in the Navy was coming to an end, and a friend asked him what he thought about the sea.

Here's what: I will take an oar on my shoulder and move inland. And I will go and go until someone stops me and asks what is this thing I am carrying on my shoulder. This is where I will be for the rest of my life.

"Dear Tom!

Be sure to come back tomorrow evening. Dad is at home, but he is in bed due to a severe injury to his leg. Understood?

"Dear Mei!

I won't be able to come tomorrow night. I, too, am lying in bed, and the place where your dad hurt his leg hurts terribly. Understood?"

Patient (by phone to the family doctor). Doctor, my son is sick with scarlet fever. But worst of all, he confessed that he got infected by kissing our maid.

In doctor (calmingly). Young people always act recklessly.

Patient: But the trouble is, doctor, I kissed that girl too.

In doctor (surprised). Here's to you! This is very bad.

Patient. Worse, I kiss my wife every morning and every evening, I'm afraid that she too ...

In doctor (frightened). Oh god, that means I can get sick too...