Tale time night l Petrushevskaya. Ludmila Petrushevskaya
Pigasova Guzyaliya Sharibzyanovna -
teacher of the Russian language and literature, MOU "Basic General Education School No. 7", Chusovoy, Perm Territory;
winner of the competition of the best teachers of Russia, 2006;
Honorary Worker of General Education of the Russian Federation
Abstracts of extracurricular reading lessons
based on the work of Lyudmila Petrushevskaya
I would like to offer abstracts of extracurricular reading lessons on the work of L. Petrushevskaya in grades 5-11.
The works of Lyudmila Petrushevskaya tell not only about the "lead abominations of life", about the pain and suffering of the "little man", they teach to love people, to sympathize with them. Reading the stories of Petrushevskaya, one recalls the words of A.P. Chekhov: “It is necessary that someone with a hammer stand behind the door of every happy person and remind them of the unfortunate and destitute, of the vulgarities of our life ...”.
Petrushevskaya remains where people feel bad and ashamed, but bad and ashamed, at least sometimes, happens to everyone. Therefore, Petrushevskaya writes about each of us. In addition, the writer's works teach to love life and live in seemingly unbearable conditions: "in this world, however, you have to endure everything and live ...".
Petrushevskaya is a professional working in a wide variety of genres, so the writer's works can be used when we talk about fairy tales, myths, parables, dystopia and other genres in class.
Summary of the lesson on the story of L. Petrushevskaya "Time is night"
(the lesson was held in the 10th grade after studying the novel by M.E. Saltykov-Shchedrin "Lord Golovlevs")
The lessons discussed why the history of the Golovlev family turns into a "history of the dead"; the entire Golovlevsky family is dying out, historical corruption enters the blood, penetrates into the nature, is passed on from generation to generation. Saltykov-Shchedrin's novel warns: where there is unlimited power, there is a cruel attitude towards a person; where there is no love, where hypocrisy, greed, lies reign, where they reproach with a piece of bread - there is no Family, no Life. The family will also be discussed in the story of Lyudmila Petrushevskaya “Time is Night”.
Theme of the lesson "Crooked family"
The purpose of the lesson: analysis of the story "Night Time", moral lessons, artistic skill of L. Petrushevskaya.
Equipment: multimedia projector, screen, presentation in format Power Point on the work of L. Petrushevskaya.
Everything hung in the air like a sword, our whole life,
ready to collapse. The trap slammed shut
how it slams behind us every day,
but sometimes a log fell from above, and in the ensuing
silence, everyone crawled crushed ...
L. Petrushevskaya
…where is everyone?
M.E. Saltykov-Shchedrin
Today in the lesson we will again talk about the family, because in our difficult time the role of the family has never been so significant. Even Leo Tolstoy said: "Happy is the one who is happy at home." It depends on the family how we will emerge into a great life - able to overcome difficulties and hardships, enjoy life and love it, or we will feel hateful, useless, superfluous in this life.
- What do you think the family is based on (at this time, the presentation “Happy Moments” with images of happy moments of family life is on the screen)?
There is a note on the board:
Respect
Love
Care
Kindness
Gratitude
Honesty towards each other and people
God grant that you keep love, respect, gratitude for life, remember the biblical commandment: "Honor your father and your mother, may it be good and may you be long on earth." And God forbid that at one moment, looking around and seeing only emptiness and complete ruin, you exclaimed: “What is it, what has happened? .. where is everything?”
The “crooked family” will be discussed today in the lesson.
- How do you understand the meaning of the title of the story?
Before us are records made at night, when everyone is sleeping, when there is an opportunity to collect our thoughts, to think about what we have lived. The heroine of the story, Anna Andrianovna, says: “... my time is night - a date with the stars and with God, a conversation time, I write everything down” (hereinafter, the text is quoted from L. Petrushevskaya. Collected Works, Volume 1. Prose. From five books. M ., 1996, pp. 311-398).
But, in addition, the heroes of Petrushevskaya are nocturnal residents. As if on command, they wake up closer to the night. "Time is night" - a conditional signal, a password for exacerbating feelings, quickening the pulse, revitalizing the plot, events and incidents. And the catastrophic blindness of the characters in relations with each other, misunderstanding, tragic disunity are due to the fact that they live in the darkness of the night.
But the story, or rather the diary entries of the heroine, have the subtitle “notes on the edge of the table.
- How would you explain this title?
The table has long been considered in Russia a symbol of life, home. These are notes “on the edge of life”, notes between life and death “... here after my mother there were manuscripts.”
- Define the genre of the work?
Before us is a diary, or rather, two diaries - mother and daughter. This means that the story is inherent in the utmost sincerity, confession. The diary as a genre variety of prose attracts the author with the ease of choosing a topic, great compositional possibilities, allows you to create the illusion of free expression of thoughts and impressions, as well as fully and deeply reveal the character of the heroine.
The diary of Anna Andrianovna allows Petrushevskaya to move away from the story, to observe the life of the Golubev family from the side, but Petrushevskaya herself in Karamzin will say:
life in general
it is forbidden
watch from the sidelines
she is indecent
defenseless
The “indecent and defenseless” life of the Golubev family rises before us from the pages of a diary that has no beginning and no end.
- Can the story "Time is Night" be called a family chronicle? Tell us about the main characters of the story.
There are three central female images in the story: Anna, Seraphim and Alena. Their destinies are mirrored, their lives repeat each other with fatal inevitability.
Anna Andrianovna is a typical mother, but in the recent past and in her memoirs she is a typical daughter. At one time, the same thing happened to her that is now happening to her “fool” Alyonka: “it was the madness of one archaeological expedition and my next grand mistake, an affair with a married man, the birth of children, then the departure of her husband. Interestingly, the heroine herself is absolutely unaware of this similarity, which the author emphasizes all the time. Anna Andrianovna all the time affirms her superiority over her daughter: “what is she and what is I”, not realizing that her daughter exactly repeats her fate. It is as if there is some kind of wall in her mind that prevents her from seeing the truth. In their destinies the same episodes, the same faces flash, the same phrases sound.
“What was wrong with food was always among members of our family, poverty was to blame, some scores, claims, my grandmother reproached my husband openly,“ she eats everything from children ”and so on. But I never did that, except that Shura, indeed, a parasite and a bloodsucker, pissed me off. And after many years, he will probably reproach his son-in-law Alain in the same way, not noticing, perhaps, that in anger he repeats the words of his mother and grandmother.
- What words in the diary of Anna Andrianovna are repeated most often?
These are the words EAT, FEED, EAT IN THREE THROATS. There is a gradual necrosis, and the sign of the dead, oddly enough, becomes food. Anna Andrianovna speaks of her son Andrey, a degenerate, weak-willed man: "... he ate my brain and drank my blood, all molded from my food, but yellow, dirty, mortally tired." It is no coincidence that at the end of the story and at the end of the diary, an image of death appears: “The steps of fate ... They sleep like a dead man. Are they alive ... I can’t predict about four coffins, small or small less, and how to bury all this ?!
The bonding beginning of any family is love. Love in a family kindles a fire in a person’s soul that burns in him all his life, which should burn in him, despite the cold that can surround a person. Maybe Anna Andrianovna is a person who has atrophied all her feelings: love, compassion, pity.
- Refute or confirm this assumption.
The heroine retains an inescapable need for spiritual warmth, although she cannot find it in the world: “twice a day showers and for a long time: someone else's warmth! The heat of the CHPP for lack of a better one.” He retains the ability and need to love. “Love, love and once again love and pity for him guided me when he left the colony,” recalls the heroine.
But in her ability and need to love, some kind of inferiority is felt. Love is perceived as a debt that must be returned with high interest. “My mother herself wanted to be the object of her daughter’s love, that is, me, so that I only loved her, the object of love and trust, this mother wanted to be the whole family for me, replace everything with herself,” the heroine says about her mother. But these words can also be attributed to Anna Andrianovna herself. She passionately loves her grandson, "sinful love ... the child from her only becomes callous and unbelted." Love, which only requires, does not hold together, but destroys the family. Anna Andrianovna turned out to be "superfluous in life."
- Can the heroine of the story be called a woman with a thirst for destruction? If possible, why?
The main character stubbornly and consciously breaks the threads that connect her with the outside world, with the people around her: "we are at different levels." The husband leaves first. A mother, a sick, old woman who has lost her mind, is sent to a mental hospital. The son-in-law leaves, whom Anna Andrianovna once forcibly married her daughter, and then ruthlessly treated, reproaching with a piece of bread. The daughter leaves for a new man, to be abandoned again. The son leaves, drunk, a man broken after prison. Anna Andrianovna remains next to the only native creature - her grandson Timofey. But in the end, he leaves her too.
The heroine will be left alone within the walls of her impoverished apartment, alone with her thoughts, alone with the night. And looking around the “ashes”, listening to the dead silence, she could, like the hero of the Saltykov-Shchedrin novel Judas, exclaim: “You must forgive me! For everyone... for myself and for those who no longer exist. What? What has happened?! where is everyone?!”
The story of Lyudmila Petrushevskaya warns us: where there is no mutual understanding, kindness, love, care, gratitude, there is no Family, there is no life.
Homework: write a miniature essay "My Family" or create an electronic presentation "My Family".
Author's note: the basis for the preparation and conduct of the lesson on the topic "Crooked family" in the humanities class was based on the group method of working on the study of the text. Two weeks before the lesson, the class was divided into three groups, the groups were asked the following questions and tasks:
1 group
Why, immediately after studying the novel by M.E. Saltykov-Shchedrin “Lord Golovlevs”, did we turn to L. Petrushevskaya’s story “The Time is Night”?
Is it possible to call the story of L. Petrushevskaya "Time is Night" a family chronicle?
Tell us about the fate of three generations of the Golubev family: Baba Seraphim, Anna Andrianovna, Alena and Andrey.
What struck you the most in the description of life, relationships in the Golubev family, what episodes shocked you?
What, in your opinion, is the reason for the tragic disunity of the heroes of the story?
2 group
Explain the meaning of the title of the story "Time is night"?
Define the genre features of the story "Time is night"?
Why does L. Petrushevskaya turn to such a genre as a diary?
How do you understand the meaning of the name of the heroine's diary "Notes on the edge of the table"?
Why didn't Anna Andrianovna's family become a salvation in this disharmonious world?
3 group
The speech of heroes as a means of creating artistic images. Observe the speech of the characters, what phrases, words the characters use when describing relationships in the family, attitudes towards people, towards the world. Find key words in the story.
How does the speech characterize the characters?
What other artistic devices does Petrushevska use (grotesque, slang, stream of consciousness, unexpected ending or, rather, its absence, etc.)? Give examples.
In class, questions are discussed.
Note: this lesson can also be held in the 11th grade when studying modern prose.
Bibliography
N.Agisheva. Sounds of "Mu", magazine "Theater", 1988, No. 9, p.21
S.P. Bavin. Ordinary stories (Lyudmila Petrushevskaya): B13. Bibliographic essay. Moscow RSL, 1995.
N. Ivanova. Pass through despair, magazine "Youth", 1990, No. 2, p.94.
T.Kasatkina. “But I’m scared: you will change your appearance ...”, Novy Mir magazine, 1996, No. 4, pp. 212-219.
A. Kuraleh. Life and being in the prose of L. Petrushevskaya, Literary Review magazine, 1993, No. 5, pp. 63-66.
O. Lebedushkina. The book of kingdoms and opportunities, magazine "Friendship of Peoples", 1998, No. 4, p.199-207.
L. Pann. Instead of an interview, or the experience of reading Lyudmila Petrushevskaya's prose away from the literary life of the metropolis, Zvezda magazine, 1994, No. 5, pp. 197-201
L. Petrushevskaya. Collected works, vols. 1,2, Moscow, 1996.
M. Remizova. Catastrophe theory or a few words in defense of the night, literary newspaper, 1996, No. 11, p.4.
O. Slavnikova. Petrushevskaya and emptiness, Voprosy Literatury magazine, 2000, No. 2, pp. 47-61.
The story "Time is night"
In the whole motley dance of the myth cast roles, the central
the position at Petrushevskaya is most often occupied by Mother and Child.
Her best texts about this: “My circle”, “Daughter of Xenia”, “Case
Mother of God”, “Poor heart of Pani”, “Motherly greetings”,
"Little Terrible", "Never". Finally - her story "Time
night". Namely "Time is night" (1991), the largest prose
the work of the writer, allows you to see the characteristic
Petrushevskaya's interpretation of the relationship between mother and child
topics with maximum complexity and completeness.
Petrushevskaya always, and in this story in particular, brings
everyday, everyday collisions to the last edge. Everyday
life in her prose is located somewhere on the verge of non-existence and requires
from a man of colossal efforts in order not to slip
over this edge. This motif is persistently drawn by the author of the story,
starting with the epigraph, from which we learn about the death of the story
the patroness, Anna Andrianovna, who considered herself a poet and
left after death "Notes on the edges of the table", which, in fact,
and form the body of the story. It seems to us that the story
this death, not directly announced - one can guess about it - her
the arrival is prepared by the constant sensation of the winding down of life,
the steady reduction of its space - to a patch on
edges, to a point, to collapse at last: “It is white, muddy
morning of execution.
The plot of the story is also built as a chain of irreversible losses.
The mother loses contact with her daughter and son, husbands leave their wives,
grandmother is taken to a distant boarding school for psychochronics, daughter vomits
all relations with the mother, and the most terrible, beating to death:
daughter takes grandchildren from grandmother (her mother). Everything to the limit
it is also heated because life, according to outward signs, is completely
intelligent family (mother collaborates in the editorial office of the newspaper, daughter
studies at the university, then works at some scientific institute)
proceeds in a permanent state of absolute poverty,
when seven rubles is a lot of money, and a free potato
A gift of fate. In general, the food in this story is always
event, because each piece counts, but on what! "Shark
Glotovna Hitler, I called her that once in my thoughts at parting,
when she ate two supplements of the first and second, and I did not
knew that at that moment she was already heavily pregnant, and she
there was nothing at all ... ”- this is how a mother thinks of her daughter.
Oddly enough, "Time is Night" is a story about love. About sizzling
mother's love for her children. Characteristic of this love
Pain and even torment. It is the perception of pain as a pro-
the manifestation of love determines the relationship of a mother with children, and before
just with my daughter. Anna's telephone conversation is very revealing
Andrianovna with Alena, when the mother deciphers her every rudeness
in relation to his daughter as words of his love for her. "Will you
to love - they will torment, ”she formulates. Even more
frankly, this theme sounds at the end of the story, when Anna Andri-
anovna returns home and finds that Alena is with children
left her: “They left me alive,” he sighs with relief.
Anna Andrianovna steadily and often unconsciously strives
to dominate is the only form of its self-realization. But
the most paradoxical thing is that it is the authorities that she understands
like love. In this sense, Anna Andrianovna embodies
a kind of "domestic totalitarianism" - historical models
which was imprinted at the level of the subconscious, reflex, instinct1.
The ability to inflict pain is proof of maternal
power, and therefore love. That's why she's despotic
trying to subjugate his children to himself, jealous daughter of her men,
son to his women, and grandson to his mother. In this love
gentle "my little one" pulls the rough: "relentless bastard
". Petrushevskaya's mother's love is monologue in nature.
For all life losses and failures, the mother demands compensation for herself.
love - in other words, the recognition of its unconditional power.
And naturally, she is offended, hates, rages when
children give their energy of love not to her, but to others. love in such
understanding becomes something terribly materialistic, something
like a money debt that must be paid back,
and better - with interest. "Oh mother-in-law's hatred, you are jealousy
and nothing else, my mother herself wanted to be the object of her love
daughters, i.e. me so that I only love her, the object of love and
trust, this mother wanted to be the whole family for me. Replace
everything, and I saw such women's families, mother, daughter and small
a child, a complete family! Horror and nightmare, ”so Anna
Andrianovna describes her own relationship with her mother,
not noticing that her relationship with her daughter is completely within
into this model.
However, despite the "horror and nightmare", Anna Andrianovna's love
never ceases to be great and immortal. Actually go-
1 This interpretation of Petrushevskaya's story was substantiated in most detail
X. Goshchilo. See: Goscilo Helena. Mother as Mothra: Totalizing Narrative
and Nurture in Petrushevskaya / / A Plot of Her Own: The Female Protagonist
Literature / Ed. Sona Stephan Hoisington. - Evanston, 1995. - P. 105-161; Goscilo
Helena. Dexecing Sex: Russian Womanhood During and After Glasnost. - Ann Arbor:
Univ. of Michigan Press, 1996. - P. 40-42. Goshchilo H. Not a single ray in the dark
kingdom: Artistic optics of Petrushevskaya / / Russian literature of the XX century:
Directions and currents. - Issue. 3. - S. 109-119.
telling is an attempt to live by responsibility, and only by it. This attempt
sometimes looks monstrous - like noisy remarks
to a stranger on the bus, who, in the eyes of Anna Ande-
Rianovna caresses her daughter too passionately: “And again I saved
baby! I save everyone all the time! I am alone in the whole city in our
microdistrict I listen at night, if anyone will scream! But one thing is not
cancels the other: the opposing assessments here are combined together.
The paradoxical duality of evaluation is also embodied in
the structure of the story.
"Memory of the genre", shining through "notes on the edge
table," is an idyll. But if Sokolov in Palisandria has a genre
the archetype of the idyll becomes the basis of metaparody, then
Petrushevskaya, idyllic motifs arise quite seriously,
as a hidden, repetitive rhythm underlying the family
collapse and permanent scandal. So, "specific
a spatial corner where fathers lived, children and grandchildren will live
» (Bakhtin), an idyllic symbol of infinity and wholeness
being, Petrushevskaya is embodied in the chronotope of a typical two-room
apartments. Here the meaning of "secular attachment to
life" acquires everything - from the inability to retire anywhere and
never, except at night, in the kitchen (“my daughter ... there will be
celebrate loneliness, as I always do at night. I have no place here!
"") up to the sagging on the sofa ("... my
turn to sit on the couch with a mink").
Moreover, Petrushevskaya's grandmother - mother - daughter repeat
each other "literally", stepping footsteps, coinciding even in
little things. Anna is jealous and torments her daughter Alena, just like
how her mother Sima was jealous and tormented her. "Debauchery" (in terms of
Anna) of Alena is completely similar to Anna's adventures in her
younger years. Even the spiritual intimacy of a child with a grandmother, and not with
mother, already was - with Alena and Sima, as now with Tima
Anna. Even the mother's claims about the allegedly "excessive"
son-in-law's appetite are repeated from generation to generation: "... grandmother
openly reproached my husband, “gobbles everything up in children,” etc. ”1.
Even Alena's jealousy for her brother Andrey responds in hostility
six-year-old Tima to one-year-old Katenka. They all shout the same:
"...carrying an open mouth...on the inhale: and...Aaaah!"). This repeatability
the characters of the story themselves notice, “... what other
1 It is interesting that these eternal scandals between different generations due to
meals in their own way are also justified by the "memory" of the idyllic genre: "Eating and drinking
are idyllic or social in nature (Anna Andrianovna's campaigns with
grandson Tima visiting guests in the hope of a free treat, a trip with a performance
to the pioneer camp - with the same purpose. - Auth.), or - most often - family
character: generations, ages converge for food. Typical of an idyll
and aesthetics. - M., 1975. - S. 267).
rye, old songs,” Anna Andrianovna sighs. But surprisingly
no one is trying to learn at least some lessons from already
made mistakes, everything is repeated anew, without any
no attempt was made to go beyond the painful circle. Can
explain this by the blindness of the heroes or the burden of social circumstances.
The idyllic archetype aims at a different logic: "Unity
places of generations weakens and softens all temporal boundaries
between individual lives and between different phases
the same life. The unity of the place brings together and merges the cradle
and the grave... childhood and old age... It is determined by unity
place, the softening of all facets of time also contributes to the creation of a characteristic
for the idyll of the cyclic rhythm of time" (Bakhtin)
In accordance with this logic, we have before us not three characters, but
one: a single female character in different age stages -
from cradle to grave. It is impossible to gain experience here, because
that in principle the distance between the characters is impossible -
they smoothly flow into each other, belonging not to themselves, but to this
cyclical flow of time, bearing only losses for them,
only destruction, only loss. Moreover, Petrushevskaya emphasizes
bodily character of this unity of generations. Cradle
These are "the smells of soap, phlox, ironed diapers." Grave -
"our shit and piss-smelling clothes." This bodily unity
It is also expressed in confessions of the opposite nature. From one
side: "I love him carnally, passionately," - this is a grandmother about her grandson.
And on the other hand: “Andrei ate my herring, my potatoes,
my black bread, drank my tea, having come from the colony, again, as
before, ate my brain and drank my blood, all cobbled together from my
food ... "- this is a mother about her son. An idyllic archetype in this interpretation
devoid of traditional idyllic semantics. Before
us an anti-idyll that nevertheless retains the structural frame
old genre.
Signals of recurrence in the life of generations, developing into
this frame, form the central paradox of "Time is night" and the whole
Petrushevskaya's prose as a whole: what seems to be self-destruction
family, turns out to be a repeatable, cyclic, form of its sustainable
existence. Order - in other words: illogical, "crooked
"("Crooked family," says Alena), but in order. Petrushevskaya
deliberately blurs the signs of time, history, society
This order is, in essence, timeless, i.e. eternal.
That is why the death of the central heroine inevitably comes
at the moment when Anna falls out of the chain of addicts
relationships: when she discovers that Alena has left with everyone
three grandchildren from her, and therefore, she no longer cares about anyone
1 Ibid. - S. 266.
huddle. She is dying from the loss of a burdensome dependence on
their children and grandchildren, carrying the only tangible meaning
her terrible existence. Moreover, as in any "chaotic
system, there is a mechanism in the family anti-idyll
feedback. A daughter who hates (and not without reason) her mother
throughout the story, after her death - as follows from the epigraph
mother is a graphomaniac, she now gives these notes a few
different meaning. This, in general, trivial literary
gesture in Petrushevskaya's story is filled with a special meaning
It contains both reconciliation between generations and recognition
transpersonal order that unites mother and daughter. Themselves "Notes
» acquire the meaning of formulas of this order, precisely because
its transpersonal nature, requiring going beyond the family
SCIENTIFIC NOTES OF KAZAN STATE UNIVERSITY Volume 150, book. 6 Humanities 2008
UDC 82.0:801.6
ON "SENTIMENTAL NATURALISM"
IN L. PETRUSHEVSKAYA'S PROSE
T. G. Prokhorova Abstract
The article examines the relationship between naturalistic and sentimentalist discourses in L. Petrushevskaya's prose. The main material of the analysis is the story "Time is night". The reasons for the emergence and manifestation of the so-called "sentimental naturalism" in the prose of the writer are clarified.
Key words: naturalistic discourse, sentimentalist discourse, tragedy, parody.
When critics or readers talk about the work of L. Petrushevskaya, they usually say that in her field of vision there is mainly a “sick”, flawed world, for the image of which naturalism techniques are used. But in Petrushevskaya's prose and plays, naturalistic discourse, as a rule, is closely intertwined with sentimentalist discourse. The writer has repeatedly argued that one of the important impulses that encourage her to work is pity. Already about her early stories, L. Petrushevskaya said that she was "insanely sorry for her heroes," and added: "Most often I wrote out of pity." But then the question arises: why in her works do we so often meet simultaneously with sensitivity, with tears of pity, pathological cruelty, rough physiology of images?
It must be said that the very problem of the relationship between sentimentalism and naturalism is by no means new. The term "sentimental naturalism" belongs to the nineteenth century critic Apollon Grigoriev. Speaking about the originality of Gogol's work, he noted the duality of the position of the writer, who "looked at reality with the eye of an analyst ... and, finishing his picture, was forced to exclaim:" It's boring in this world, gentlemen. From that moment on, he already took an anatomical knife in his hands, from that moment, “invisible tears through the laughter visible to the world” flowed copiously. But first of all, the critic used the term “sentimental naturalism” in relation to the early work of F.M. Dostoevsky. The idea of A. Grigoriev was developed in the 20th century. So, V.V. Vinogradov in his works of the 1920s wrote about the “school of sentimental naturalism”, the leader of which he called F.M. Dostoevsky. Ideas V.V. Vinogradov was developed by M.M. Bakhtin. In the notes "Problems of Sentimentalism", the scientist argued that the "natural school" arose as "a kind of Russian sentimentalism". However, the interest of M.M. Bakhtin to sentimentalism and its mutual
action with naturalism was associated not only with the natural school and even not only with the work of Dostoevsky, but also with the problem of carnival, with the theme of "inner man and intimate ties between inner people." These problems are relevant to modern literature as well.
M. Epstein, giving a forecast of the development of our literature in the 21st century, argued: “The sensitivity of the 21st century will not be a direct repetition of the sensitivity of the 18th century. She will not divide the world into touching and terrible, sweet and disgusting. It will absorb a lot of counter-feelings.
N. Leiderman and M. Lipovetsky traced the formation of "neo-sentimentalism" in modern literature. They drew attention to the fact that in the 1990s "there is an important transformation of chernukha": "corporality provides the ground for a neo-sentimentalist current." Moreover, according to scientists, this is especially evident in "women's prose". Rediscovering “the “little man”, this literature surrounds him with compassion and pity, but the hero of sentimental naturalism himself is not yet ready for self-consciousness, he is completely closed in the emotional-physiological sphere” . Although in the field of view of N. Leiderman and M. Lipovetsky there is a fairly wide range of authors, for some reason the name of L. Petrushevskaya fell out of it, which should have taken a central place in this series and helped to correct the idea of the so-called sentimental naturalism.
Researcher of modern prose T.N. Markova rightly noted that for L. Petrushevskaya "paradoxicality ... is the most natural and organic form of perception and image" . This observation is consonant with the opinions of many other critics (L. Pann, O. Darka, E. Goshchilo), who point to the writer's ability to simultaneously see purity and dirt, pain and pleasure, life and death. It is in this oxymoronic variant that the interaction of naturalistic and sentimentalist discourses takes place in Petrushevskaya's prose.
Let's demonstrate this with a specific example. Let us turn to one of her most famous works - the story "Time is Night", which actually contains the main motives of L. Petrushevskaya's work. It was published at the very beginning of the 1990s, and then many were shocked by the image of “a wretched life condensed to a swirling darkness.”
The story "Time is Night" is written in the form of "notes on the edge of the table", which belong to the main character. Recall that naturalism is characterized by documentary and factographic, the desire to fix the "naturalness" of the language. In the prologue to the story "Time is Night" it is reported how the author received these "notes".
Excuse the trouble, but here after mom, - she paused, - after mom, there were manuscripts. I thought you might read it. She was a poet. Of course, I understand you are busy. A lot of work? Understand. Well then, excuse me.
Two weeks later, a manuscript arrived in an envelope, a dusty folder with a lot of scribbled sheets, school notebooks, even telegram forms. Subtitled Notes on the edge of the table. No return address, no last name.
Thus, in the story "The Time is Night" the illusion is created that the author acts only as a publisher. True, with the outward naturalness, seeming spontaneity of the notes, the composition of the story is quite complex: the mother’s notes include her daughter’s diary, and it, in turn, includes a conversation-quarrel between mother and grandmother recorded by the daughter; finally, in addition to the daughter’s diary, the mother’s notes also include "as if" a diary is a text written by a mother on behalf of her daughter.
The connection with naturalism in the story “Time is Night” is indicated by the words-signals that appear literally on the first pages: firstly, the name of Charles Darwin is mentioned twice. At its inception, naturalism was ideologically associated with the works of a number of scientists, including Charles Darwin's On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection. In the story of L. Petrushevskaya, the name of the scientist signals the importance of the theme of the struggle for survival in this work. True, it is implemented here primarily at the household level. At the beginning of her "notes", the main character Anna Andrianovna says that she often has to visit with her beloved grandson Tima without an invitation. For her, this is a way to feed Timochka, whom she calls the "child of hunger." Anna Andrianovna first compared the son-in-law of her old friend Masha with Charles Darwin: “A good man's face, something from Charles Darwin, but not at this moment. Something vile is manifested in him, something despicable. Such a disapproving characterization is due to the fact that he “had something against Tima”, and his own son Dima “was tired of him like a dog”, since every evening he demanded to switch the TV to the program “Good night, kids”, and on this occasion they with the father "there was a struggle." Immediately, Anna Andrianovna, by association, recalls a different story, when she and her grandson came to “very distant acquaintances” to find out about her daughter Alena, and, as soon as they were seated at the table and poured borscht, “a shepherd bitch swept out from under the bed and bites Tim on the elbow. Tima screams wildly with a mouth full of meat ... The father of the family, who also vaguely resembles Charles Darwin, falls out from behind the table screaming and threatening, of course, pretending to be against a dog. After that, Anna Andrianovna concludes: "That's it, there is no more way for us here."
These episodes can be quite interpreted in the spirit of Darwin's theory of "natural selection", and in both cases the feminine, more precisely, the maternal view of things is clearly expressed. The existence of the heroine is an ongoing battle for survival, for the salvation of children. Men, on the other hand, act as opponents in this struggle, therefore the name of Charles Darwin in this context is perceived as a sign of hostility, danger.
In addition to Darwin, there are other word-signals in the story that keep the memory of naturalism. First of all, these are two images: “trap” and “hunger”. The first of them refers the reader to E. Zola as the author of the novel "The Trap" and one of the theorists of French naturalism. With the help of this image in the story "Time is Night" the following characterization of the cruel law of existence is given:
“Everything hung in the air like a sword, our whole life, ready to collapse. The trap slammed shut, as it slams behind us every day, but sometimes
a log fell from above, and in the ensuing silence, everyone crawled away, crushed ... ".
The second key word - "hunger" - is also reminiscent and brings to mind the name of the famous novel by K. Hamsun "Hunger" - about a novice writer full of hardships, whose pangs of hunger, aggravated by pangs of pride, led to the brink of insanity. Note that the heroine of the story "Time is Night" also considers herself a writer and she is also a person with offended pride. "We are not beggars!" she proudly declares. In addition, in the work of L. Petrushevskaya, like in Hamsun, the theme of madness is very significant. But it is connected with the motive of hunger in a completely different way: if Hamsun has a real hunger, then in the story “Time is night” it is rather far-fetched. As it turns out later, Anna Andrianovna has a considerable amount of money on her savings book, so she and her grandson do not have to starve in the literal sense. Nevertheless, the motive of hunger in the story sounds very insistent, since it is associated with the manifestation of a peculiar mania of the heroine.
There are also references to the Russian "natural school", in particular to Gogol. Suffice it to recall the famous quote "It's boring to live in this world, gentlemen," which sounds in the diary of Anna Andrianovna's daughter. These words in the context of Petrushevskaya's work are perceived as a sentence to the world in which her characters are forced to exist.
Although in the “notes on the edge of the table” the “family thought” is primarily expressed, we are talking about the relationship of the heroine with her children, grandchildren and with her own mother, but these relationships are of a painfully neurotic nature. The heroes themselves call the life they lead bestial. So, Alena, the daughter of Anna Andrianovna, introducing her brother, who had just returned from prison, to the course of household affairs, says: “You know this is our eternal bestiality.” Indeed, it is found in everything and manifests itself even in the most quivering, poetic moments of life. For example, Anna Andrianovna presents in her notes the scene of the meeting of Alena from the maternity hospital after the birth of her first-born Tima:
“So I brought my trinity to the figuratively stuffed taxi seat. What was there, water and water. The scoundrel (Anna Andrianovna calls her son-in-law that. - T.P.) was carrying the child on outstretched arms.<...>A fly buzzed in the taxi, attracted, apparently, by a wet rag, bloody deeds, what can I say, the fly was apparently also on demolition in spring time. All these are our dirty deeds, dirt, sweat, flies right there. .
At the same time, Anna Andrianovna, quite in the spirit of naturalism, interprets all the facts related to physiology, bodily needs as an inexorable law of nature:
"O deceiver nature! Oh great! For some reason, she needs this suffering, this horror, blood, stench, sweat, mucus, convulsions, love, violence, pain, sleepless nights, hard work, everything seems to be fine! But no, and everything is bad again. .
But it is characteristic that, along with the motive of "dirt", the motive of cleanliness, or rather hygiene, persistently sounds in the story. Anna Andrianovna endlessly, by the way and inopportunely, convinces her adult children of the need to wash their hands, take
showers, which invariably irritates them. It seems that these calls to wash more often express the subconscious desire of the heroine to cleanse herself, to free herself from the dirt that has penetrated the life of each member of this family. As if you just need to wash yourself once again, and all the terrible things will go away. Here, for example, is what Anna Andrianovna inspires her daughter, who by this time lives “in settlements with her fattening daughter from an imaginary roommate”, is going to give birth to a third child and also tells her mother that she has very low hemoglobin, her kidneys are failing, her urine protein, in connection with which she is put in the hospital, and there is no one to leave the baby with: “I taught you how many times that hygiene must be observed every day. Poorly washed, that's all the protein.<...>Don't talk nonsense. What hospital, you're with a small child. What could be a hospital? First, descend or go wash up at last and hand over the analysis as follows.
During a conversation with Alena, Anna Andrianovna wants only one thing - that everything terrible that happens to her is suddenly resolved in the simplest and most primitive way or simply disappears. In this regard, it is characteristic what advice she gives to her daughter: “Hide from them, and no one will force them. It's OK" .
She herself is also trying to hide, but at the same time, Anna Andrianovna retains the ability to analyze what is happening and clearly imagines its possible consequences. So, after the conversation with her daughter is over, she gives him a completely sober assessment: “After all, our conversation was not about protein and not about urine, our conversation was like this: Mom, help, take on another burden. Mom, you always helped me out, help me out. - But daughter, I am not able to love another creature, this is a betrayal of the baby, he already looked at the new sister like a little animal. - Mom, what to do? “Nothing, I can’t help you, I gave you everything.” .
Researchers note that in "classical" naturalism, character, as a social category, is reduced, reduced to temperament, a hereditary factor. By "temperament" is meant precisely the inherited mental make-up, closely connected with physiology, with the life of the body. As a result, heredity becomes a materialistic substitute for fate.
In the story "The Time is Night" it is this sign of naturalism that is actualized, which largely determines the circle of life that the characters go through. Critics immediately drew attention to the fact that the fate of Sima's grandmother, mother (Anna Andrianovna) and daughter (Alena) is repeated down to the smallest detail. Numerous love affairs of each of them invariably end in tears: they give birth to children out of wedlock, their husbands leave them, and as a result they remain lonely and deeply unhappy. At the same time, women themselves do not realize that each of them repeats the life path of her mother.
And yet the feeling that unites mother and daughter is love-hate, and it requires not one "language" for expression, but two at once. That is why, along with naturalistic discourse, sentimentalist discourse is so important in Petrushevskaya's prose.
Anna Andrianovna from the story "The Time of Night" is characterized by exalted sensitivity, which, naturally, is reflected in her manner of perceiving oc-
scathing, explain. It is not surprising that the words "crying", "tears" are among the most frequent here. Often on one page, and sometimes in one sentence, they occur several times. And everyone is crying: men, women, children. The only difference lies in the fact for what reason and how the heroes cry: “Tima yells wildly”, “Timochka howled in a thin voice, like a kitten”, “I started crying again in a fever”, “I quietly wiped my tears”, “a storm with tears Alena "," now these tears will roll down, poor tears "," flavored with bitter tears "," he cried on his knees "," he is ashamed of his tears "etc. etc.
Anna Andrianovna's speech is replete with emotional outbursts, contrasting combinations of horror and delight. In the text, this is manifested in the abundance of exclamatory sentences, rhetorical questions - in a word, in various means that contribute to the achievement of the effect of melodrama, pathos of speech.
Here is how, for example, Anna Andrianovna says about herself: “And again I saved the child! I save everyone all the time! I’m the only one in the whole city in our neighborhood listening at night to see if anyone screams!” . Or: “A woman is weak and indecisive when it comes to her personally, but she is a beast when it comes to children!” . Or another example: “I loved her madly! Madly in love with Andryusha! Endlessly!" .
In the speech of the heroine, in which the sentimental-pathetic element is clearly expressed, classical sentimentalist clichés are often beaten up. It is known that sentimentalism is characterized by: compassion for the unfortunate, the exaltation of the images of mother and child, the glorification of a modest life in the family circle, an attitude to the image of the little things in life. In the "notes" of Anna Andrianovna we can meet all this, but, of course, in a specific deformed form.
Looking at her adult children, Anna Andrianovna often recalls what kind of children they were and how they loved their mother: “My beauty, whom I admired in diapers, every finger of which I washed and kissed. I was touched by her curls (what had gone), her huge, clear, light, like forget-me-not eyes, which radiated goodness, innocence, affection - everything for me. Oh their childhood! My bliss, my love for these two chicks." .
Since Anna Andrianovna considers herself a poet, she expresses in verse the feeling of maternal tenderness that she experienced when looking at her sleeping children: “The white flame of hair shines on a white pillow, The nose breathes, The eyes and ears are hidden.”
Even when the children became adults, when the relationship between them and their mother reached the limit of hostility, misunderstanding, Anna Andrianovna did not stop loving them. “Love, love and once again love and pity for him guided me when he left the colony,” she says about her feelings for her son.
With a vengeance, this love is manifested in relation to her grandson, whom Anna Andrianovna simply adores. For her, he is a “holy baby”, an “angel”, the meaning of her life. When the children moved away from Anna Andrianovna, quiet family happiness became possible only next to him. For example, how the heroine in
in his “notes on the edge of the table” represents a family idyll - celebrating the New Year together with his grandson: “And on New Year’s we hung our spruce bouquet from top to bottom ... And for a short time I lit a garland, and our house sparkled, and Tima and I drove dance. and I silently wiped away my tears.
Sentimentalists considered beautiful, poetic moments of life to be the subject of art. They drew attention to the need to depict not what is, but what should be, "to create a world of poetic dreams." Anna Andrianovna, as if following this law, recalls those brief moments when they were with Beloved together and nothing could disturb the quiet joy of this holiday, even the fact that Alena took the box with Christmas tree decorations the day before.
It is known that sentimentalists saw the purpose of art in the moral ennoblement of man. They believed that it should not shy away from an instructive tone, the writer should show how a person should behave, what moral standards he should be guided by. He teaches to see true happiness in honest work, in harmony with oneself, in a modest life in the family circle. We can assume that this attitude of sentimentalism was embodied in a parody-game form in Anna Andrianovna's "notes". True, “moral ennoblement” is expressed in her mainly in the form of reproaches against her daughter and son, but the goal that she sets in this case is to set the right path. For example, on New Year's Eve, Anna Andrianovna prepared a pamphlet "Rules of good manners" as a gift for her son who returned from prison. Having previously worked "on this text", she "boldly emphasized some provisions, the so-called behavior in everyday life." The heroine teaches not only her children, but even strangers. So, she very emotionally inspired one passenger in the tram that he had no right to kiss his little daughter on the lips, because such actions are depraved and form pathological inclinations in the child. Anna Andrianovna defines her task in the following pompous declaration: “To bring enlightenment, legal enlightenment into this dark thicket, into this crowd!” .
Sentimentalist and naturalistic discourses in Petrushevskaya not only coexist, but interact with each other, forming a complex, contradictory unity. Just as two opposite feelings - love and hatred - are present in one being, two discourses - sentimentalistic and naturalistic - are also contrastingly conjugated. Here the heroine declares her love to her Beloved, grandson Tima: “I carnally love him, passionately. It is a pleasure to hold his thin, weightless hand in your hand, to see his blue eyes with such eyelashes that the shadow from them, as my favorite writer wrote, lies on the cheeks - and anywhere, I will add. O fans! Parents in general, and grandparents in particular, love little children with a carnal love that replaces everything for them.<...>That's how nature intended to love. It is released to love, and love has spread its wings over those who are not supposed to, over the old people. Warm up!” .
In the above fragment, it is especially noticeable how the sentimentalist discourse, reflecting the "poetic moments of the beautiful", contains the naturalistic theme of the call of the flesh, the dictates of nature, and in this case we are talking about something that lies outside the norm - about carnal love.
grandmother to grandson. There are a great many similar examples, when a seemingly unconnectable connection occurs, at Petrushevskaya.
Let us now try to give an answer to the question that was raised at the beginning of the article: why is it possible to combine base and tenderly sensitive, pathetic and carnally rude?
First, let us once again recall M. Epstein's statement about the nature of sensitivity in neo-sentimentalism of the 21st century: “It will not divide the world into touching and terrible, sweet and disgusting. It will absorb a lot of counter-feelings. In this case, in Petrushevskaya, we observe just such a combination of "counter-feelings". The experience of postmodernism with its equal acceptance of many truths and the compatibility of all "languages" has taught us not to be surprised by this.
The second answer is related to the psychological phenomenon of love-hate, which we usually meet with Petrushevskaya. An explanation for this phenomenon can be found in Z. Freud. In the work “Psychology of the masses and the analysis of the human “I””, he writes that “every intimate emotional connection between two persons, which has a longer or shorter duration (marriage, friendship, parental or childish feelings), leaves a residue of opposing hostile feelings, abolished only by displacement". Freud explains the ambivalence inherent in an intimate emotional connection through the phenomenon of identification, which is known in psychoanalysis "as the earliest manifestation of emotional attachment to another person." "Identification is ambivalent from the very beginning, it can be an expression of tenderness, as well as a desire to eliminate the father" or mother - in a word, someone whom we consider a rival. Illustrating this idea, Z. Freud gives an analogy with a cannibal who devours both his enemies and those he loves.
We also encounter such a psychological phenomenon in the works of Petrushevskaya, including the story “Time is Night”. Here again it is appropriate to recall that the fate of its heroes is actually repeated from generation to generation. Consequently, unconsciously identifying herself with her mother, each of the heroines experiences a dual feeling: hostility and love, affection and the desire to “devour” a loved one. Each of them sees in the other both an enemy and an object of love. This tendency manifests itself in many of Petrushevskaya's works. In the story “Time is Night”, the following confessions of Anna Andrianovna about the relationship that she, then a married woman, had with her own mother are indicative: “. my mother herself wanted to be the object of her daughter's love, that is, me, so that I only loved her, the object of love and trust, this mother wanted to be the whole family for me.<...>My mother, until everything terrible happened, that is how she survived from the house of my unfortunate husband. .
Anna Andrianovna herself exactly repeats the model of her mother's behavior, but does not notice this. She also wanted to be the only object of love for her children and grandson. The following maxim is characteristic, in which Anna Andrianovna mentally addresses her daughter, inspiring her to free herself from her husband: “Have mercy, my girl, drive him in three necks, we ourselves! I will meet you in everything, why do we need him? Why??" .
As a result, Anna Andrianovna still manages to survive from her son-in-law's apartment, she did everything possible so that he left her daughter. It is indicative in this connection that the sentimentalist discourse manifests itself mainly in those statements of the heroine when she represents children as her property. So, for example, Anna Andrianovna looks at her adult daughter and sees in her the child she once was: “I was touched by her curls (where everything went), her huge, clear, bright, like forget-me-nots, eyes that radiated good , innocence, affection - everything for me.
This "everything for me" explains the nature of the relationship between mother and children. In this regard, it is interesting how important the theme of the night acquires: “At nights, only at nights, I experienced the happiness of motherhood. Cover it, tuck it in, get on your knees. They didn't need my love. Or rather, without me, they would have died, but at the same time, I personally interfered with them.
Thus, the “night” for Anna Andrianovna is an opportunity to be alone with the children and experience the happiness of motherhood, because at night the children cannot leave her “circle”, they belong to her. But, as soon as the children violate the border of the mother's space, going beyond its limits, they immediately become strangers, respectively, hostility towards them arises. In her daughter - the mother of three children - Anna Andrianovna sees a "busty noisy aunt", a "female", some kind of "low woman" encroaching on her territory. Therefore, she slams the door in front of Alena, does not want to let her into the apartment, exclaiming at the same time: “We don’t have money to accept you here! There is not!!!" . Anna Andrianovna is afraid that her daughter will take Tima away from her, which she still believes belongs to her.
The heroes cannot establish the psychological distance necessary for a normal existence, and the situation escalates to the limit. They argue furiously over square meters, brother and sister are jealous of each other, quarrel for any reason both among themselves and with their mother. Even if the heroes leave the walls of their home for a while, they find themselves in an atmosphere of even greater crowding, crowding, and, consequently, hostility and cruelty. None of them can find their own private space. And yet, striving for this, they fence themselves off from each other, lock themselves in their rooms, hang locks on the doors, and at the same time their souls are tightly locked. In the end, Anna Andrianovna is left completely alone, all her relatives leave her. But she is again unable to be alone, because she is used to existing for others, so the only thing left for her is to die.
So, the reason for the tragedy that is usually played out in the works of Petrushevskaya can be explained as follows: the characters exist in the space of “their own circle”, but as a result of their alienation from each other, a distance arises that they try to overcome in two ways: either according to the “cannibalistic” scenario , that is, trying to jealously appropriate those they love, or building a new wall and thus aggravating hostility. To express these two psychological models of Petrushevskaya, two different speech strategies were needed: a combination of naturalistic and sentimentalist discourses.
T.G. Prokhorova. On “Sentimental Naturalism” in the Works of L. Petrushevskaya.
The article deals with the combination of naturalistic and sentimental discourses in the prose of L. Petrushevskaya. The essay is based on the novel “The Time is Night”. The author addresses the reasons and the forms in which sentimental naturalism demonstrates itself.
Key words: naturalistic discourse, sentimentalist discourse, tragedy, parody.
Literature
1. Petrushevskaya L. Little girl from the Metropol. - St. Petersburg: Amphora Publishing House, TID Amphora, 2006. - 464 p.
2. Grigoriev A.A. Works in two volumes. T. 2. - M .: Khudozh. lit., 1990. - 227p.
3. Bakhtin M.M. The problem of sentimentalism // Bakhtin M.M. Sobr. op. in 7 volumes - M .: Rus. dictionaries, 1997. - V. 5. - S. 304-305.
4. Epstein M.N. Postmodern in Russian literature. - M.: Higher. school, 2005. - 495 p.
5. Leiderman N.L., Lipovetsky M.N. Modern Russian literature: in 3 books. Book. 3: At the end of the century (1986-1900s). - M.: Editorial URSS, 2001. - 160 p.
6. Markova T.N. Modern prose: construction and meaning (V. Makanin, L. Petrushevskaya, V. Pelevin). - M.: MGOU, 2003. - 268 p.
7. Petrushevskaya L. House of girls: stories and novels. - M.: Vagrius, 1998. - 448 p.
8. Milovidov V.A. Naturalism: method, poetics, style. - Tver, Tversk. state un-t, 1993. -72 p.
9. Freud Z. Psychology of the masses and analysis of the human "I" // Criminal mob. - M.: Institute of Psychology of the Russian Academy of Sciences, 1999. - S. 119-194.
Received 24.12.07
Prokhorova Tatyana Gennadievna - Candidate of Philology, Associate Professor, Department of Russian Literature, Kazan State University.
Email: [email protected]
This work is a kind of diary. In it, the main character describes her whole life. Mostly, she meditates and writes at night. The heroine is a mother of two children. Judging by the entries in this diary, the heroine does not know what love is. In her family, the situation is the same, no one feels love. Three generations of the family live in a small apartment. The heroine is tactless and heartless. She does not understand how hard it is for her daughter to experience first love.
The daughter runs away from home, and the careless mother doesn't even care. The mother generally neglected the girl. Things were different with my son. The heroine somehow cared about him. But apparently the mother's love was not enough, and the boy went to jail. The woman believed that the children did not need her love. The heroine is a proud person, she considers all the people around her to be cynics and egoists.
When the son was released, the mother wanted to find support and support in him. The woman insulted and humiliated her daughter's husband. At the end of her story, the heroine explains why she does this to her family. She wonders why her works are not published. The woman was abandoned by her husband. She suffers from loneliness.
This work teaches not to be selfish, to love and take care of your family and friends. You can’t think only about yourself, there are still many people around who need our support and support.
Picture or drawing Time is night
Other retellings and reviews for the reader's diary
- Summary Three girls in blue Petrushevskaya
Three girls live in the summer with their children in the country. Svetlana and Irina are raising their own children alone, because of their three women, the husband was present only with Tatyana.
- Summary of The Song of Hiawatha Longfellow
The Song of Hiawatha is a poem by Henry Longfellow based on Native American legends and tales. The work begins with a story about how the Creator Gitch Manito calls on the leaders of Indian tribes to stop hostility and war.
- Summary of Pippi in the Land of Vesselia Lindgren
The gentleman decided to buy a villa owned by Peppy. The girl teased an important man, from which he became furious and went to complain about the unbearable child. But to his surprise, she turned out to be the real mistress of the villa, so he had to leave with nothing.
- Summary of Red Flower Garshin
Once a lunatic asylum in one of the small towns was replenished with a new patient. Exhausted by sleepless nights, the employees hardly brought the violent man because of another attack.
- Summary of Hesse's Glass Bead Game
The action of the book takes place somewhere in Europe, in the distant future. The industrial continent is struck by spiritual degradation. The value of any ideas ceases to be more or less adequately assessed.
House of girls - 46
OCR David Titievskiy: March 2, 2002
"House of Girls": Vagrius; Moscow; 1999
annotation
The collection of Lyudmila Petrushevskaya includes her new stories and novels, as well as works already known to readers. The heroes of Petrushevskaya are people we meet at work, ride the subway, live in the same building. Each of them is a whole world that fits into one story, and therefore each such story contains the dramatic and emotional charge of the whole novel. Lyudmila Petrushevskaya is the most traditional and most modern phenomenon in our current literature. It is traditional to archaic and modern to shock. The eternal and the momentary are connected in her work like a root and leaves.
Ludmila Petrushevskaya
Night time
They called me, and a woman's voice said: - Sorry for the trouble, but here after my mother, - she was silent, - after my mother there were manuscripts. I thought you might read it. She was a poet. Of course, I understand you are busy. A lot of work? Understand. Well then, excuse me.
Two weeks later, a manuscript arrived in an envelope, a dusty folder with a lot of scribbled sheets, school notebooks, even telegram forms. Subtitled Notes on the edge of the table. No return address, no last name.
* * *
He does not know that when visiting, one cannot greedily rush to the mirror and grab everything, vases, figurines, bottles, and especially boxes with jewelry. You can't ask for more at the table. He, having come to a strange house, fumbles everywhere, a child of hunger, finds somewhere on the floor a little car that has driven under the bed and believes that this is his find, is happy, presses it to his chest, beams and tells the hostess that he has found something for himself, and where - drove under the bed! And my friend Masha, it’s her grandson who rolled her own gift, an American typewriter, under the bed, and forgot, she, Masha, rolls out of the kitchen on alarm, her grandson Deniska and my Timochka have a wild conflict. A good post-war apartment, we came to borrow money until retirement, they were all already swimming out of the kitchen with oily mouths, licking their lips, and Masha had to return to the same kitchen for us and think about what to give us without prejudice. So, Denis pulls out a little car, but this one grabbed the unfortunate toy with his fingers, and Denis has just an exhibition of these cars, strings, he is nine years old, a healthy tower. I tear Tima away from Denis with his typewriter, Timochka is embittered, but they won’t let us in here anymore, Masha was already thinking when she saw me through the peephole in the door! As a result, I lead him to the bathroom to wash himself, weakened from tears, hysteria in a strange house! That's why they don't like us, because of Timochka. I behave like an English queen, I refuse everything, everything from everything: tea with crackers and sugar! I drink their tea only with my brought bread, I involuntarily pinch it out of the bag, because the pangs of hunger at someone else's table are unbearable, Tim leaned on crackers and asked if it was possible with butter (the butter dish was forgotten on the table). "And you?" - Masha asks, but it is important for me to feed Timofey: no, thanks, anoint Timochka more, do you want Tim, more? I catch the sidelong glances of Deniska, who is standing in the doorway, not to mention the son-in-law Vladimir and his wife Oksana, who went up the stairs to smoke, who comes immediately to the kitchen, knowing my pain perfectly, and right in front of Tim says (and she looks great), says:
- And what, Aunt Anya (it's me), Alena comes to you? Timochka, does your mother visit you?
- What are you, Dunechka (this is her childhood nickname), Dunyasha, didn’t I tell you. Alena is sick, she constantly has breasts.
- Breast??? - (And it was almost like that from whom did she have a baby, from whose such milk?)
And I quickly, grabbing a few more crackers, good creamy crackers, lead Tim from the kitchen to watch TV in the big room, let's go, let's go, "Good night" soon, although there is at least half an hour left before that.
But she follows us and says that it is possible to apply for Alena's work, that the mother left the child to the mercy of fate. Is it me, or what, an arbitrary fate? Interesting.
- What kind of work, what are you, Oksanochka, she is sitting with a baby!
Finally, she asks, is it, or what, from the one about which Alena once told her on the phone that she did not know that this happens and that this does not happen, and she cries, wakes up and cries with happiness? From that? When Alena asked for a loan for a cooperative, but we didn’t have it, did we change the car and repair it in the country? From this? Yes? I answer that I don't know.
All these questions are asked with the aim that we no longer go to them. But they were friends, Dunya and Alena, in childhood, we rested side by side in the Baltic States, I, young, tanned, with my husband and children, and Masha and Dunya, and Masha was recovering from a cruel run after one person, had an abortion from him, and he stayed with his family without giving up anything, neither from the fashion model Tomik, nor from the Leningrad Tusi, they were all known to Masha, and I added fuel to the fire: because I was also familiar with another woman from VGIK, who was famous for her wide hips and the fact that she later got married, but a summons came to her house from the dermatovenerological dispensary that she missed another infusion due to gonorrhea, and with this woman he broke out of the window of his Volga, and she, then still a student, ran after the car and cried, then he threw an envelope to her from the window, and in the envelope (she stopped to pick it up) there were dollars, but not a lot. He was a professor on the Leninist theme. But Masha stayed with the Dun, and my husband and I entertained her, she languidly went with us to a tavern hung with nets at the Maiori station, and we paid for her, we live alone, despite her earrings with sapphires. And she said to my plastic bracelet of a simple modern form 1 ruble 20 kopecks Czech: “Is this a napkin ring?” “Yes,” I said, and put it on my arm.
And the time has passed, I'm not talking about how I was fired, but I'm talking about the fact that we were at different levels and will be with this Masha, and now her son-in-law Vladimir is sitting and watching TV, that's why they are so aggressive every evening, because now Deniska will have a fight with his father to switch to Good Night. My Timochka sees this program once a year and says to Vladimir: “Please! Well, I beg you!" - and folds his hands and almost kneels, he copies me, alas. Alas.
Vladimir has something against Tima, and Denis is generally tired of him like a dog, son-in-law, I’ll tell you a secret, he’s clearly running out, he’s already melting, hence Oksanina’s poisonousness. My son-in-law is also a graduate student on Lenin's topic, this topic sticks to this family, although Masha herself publishes anything, the editor of the calendars, where she gave me extra money languidly and arrogantly, although I helped her out by quickly scribbling an article about the bicentenary of the Minsk Tractor Plant, but she wrote me a fee, even unexpectedly small, apparently, I imperceptibly spoke with someone in collaboration, with the chief technologist of the plant, as they are supposed to, because competence is needed. Well, then it was so hard that she told me not to appear there for the next five years, there was some kind of remark that what could be the bicentenary of the tractor, in 1700 what year was the first Russian tractor produced (came off the assembly line)?
As for the son-in-law of Vladimir, at the moment described, Vladimir is watching TV with red ears, this time some important match. Typical joke! Denis is crying, his mouth gaped, he sat on the floor. Timka climbs to help him out to the TV and, inept, blindly pokes his finger somewhere, the TV goes out, the son-in-law jumps up with a scream, but I’m ready for anything right there, Vladimir rushes to the kitchen for his wife and mother-in-law, he didn’t stop, thank God, Thank you, I came to my senses, did not touch the abandoned child. But already Denis drove away the alarmed Tim, turned on what was needed, and they were already sitting, peacefully watching the cartoon, and Tim was laughing with a special desire.
But not everything is so simple in this world, and Vladimir slandered women thoroughly, demanding blood and threatening to leave (I think so!), and Masha enters with sadness on her face as a person who has done a good deed and completely in vain. Behind her is Vladimir with the physiognomy of a gorilla. A good masculine face, something from Charles Darwin, but not at this moment. Something vile is manifested in him, something despicable.
Then you can not watch this movie, they are yelling at Denis, two women, and Timochka, he has heard enough of these cries ... He is just starting to twist his mouth. Such a nervous tic. Shouting at Denis, they shout, of course, at us. You are an orphan, an orphan, such a lyrical digression. It was even better in the same house, where we went with Tima to very distant acquaintances, there was no telephone. They came, they entered, they are sitting at the table. Tima: “Mom, I want to eat too!” Oh, oh, we walked for a long time, the child is hungry, let's go home, Timochka, I just want to ask if there is any news from Alena (the family of her former colleague, with whom they seem to call back). A former colleague gets up from the table as if in a dream, pours us a plate of fatty meat borscht, oh, oh. We did not expect this. There is nothing from Alena. - Are you alive? - I didn’t come, there is no phone at home, but she doesn’t call at work. Yes, and at work, a person is here and there ... Then I collect contributions. What. - Oh, what are you, bread ... Thank you. No, we won't have a second one, I see you're tired from work. Well, except for Timothy. Tima, will you have meat? Only to him, only to him (suddenly I cry, this is my weakness). Suddenly, a shepherd bitch rushes out from under the bed and bites Tim on the elbow. Tima yells wildly with a mouth full of meat. The father of the family, also vaguely reminiscent of Charles Darwin, falls out from behind the table screaming and threatening, of course, pretending to be against the dog. That’s all, there’s no way for us to come here anymore, I kept this house in reserve, just in case of an emergency. Now everything, now in a pinch it will be necessary to look for other channels.
Ay, Alena, my distant daughter. I believe that the most important thing in life is love. But why do I need all this, I loved her madly! Madly in love with Andryusha! Endlessly.
And now that's it, my life is over, although no one gives me my age, one even made a mistake from the back: girl, oh, she says, excuse me, woman, how can we find such and such a back street here? He himself is dirty, sweaty, apparently has a lot of money, and looks kindly, otherwise, he says, the hotels are all busy. We know you! We know you! Yes! He wants to spend the night for free for half a kilo of pomegranates. And some other minor services there, but put the kettle on, use the sheets, throw a hook on the door so that you don’t beg - I have everything calculated in my mind at the first glance. Like a chess player. I am a poet. Some people love the word "poetess", but look what Marina tells us or the same Anna, with whom we are almost mystical namesakes, a few letters of the difference: she is Anna Andreevna, I, too, but Andrianovna. When I occasionally speak, I ask them to announce this: the poet Anna - and the name of her husband. They listen to me, these children, and how they listen! I know children's hearts. And he is everywhere with me, Timofey, I go on stage, and he sits at the same table, by no means in the auditorium. He sits and, moreover, twists his mouth, my grief, a nervous tic. I’m joking, stroking Tim on the head: “Tamara and I go as a couple,” and some idiot organizers start: “Let Tamarochka sit in the hall,” they don’t know that this is a quote from Agnia Barto’s famous poem.
Of course, Tima answered - I’m not Tamarochka, and closes in on herself, doesn’t even say thank you for the candy, stubbornly climbs onto the stage and sits at the table with me, soon no one will invite me to perform because of you, do you understand? A closed child to tears, a difficult childhood fell. Silent, quiet child at times, my star, my yasochka. A bright boy, he smells of flowers. When I carried his tiny pot out, I always told myself that his urine smelled like chamomile meadow. His head, when not washed for a long time, his curls smell like phloxes. When washed, the whole baby smells unspeakably, fresh baby. Silk legs, silk hair. I don't know anything better than a baby! One fool, Galina, at our former job, said: if only a bag (fool) from children's cheeks, an enthusiastic idiot, who, however, dreamed of a leather bag, but she also loves her son madly and said in her time, long ago, that his ass is so arranged, you can’t take your eyes off. Now this ass is regularly serving in the army, it's already over.
How quickly everything fades, how helplessly looking at yourself in the mirror! After all, you are the same, but that’s all, Tim: a woman, let’s go, she tells me immediately upon arriving at the performance, she can’t stand it and is jealous of my success. So that everyone knows who I am: his grandmother. But what to do, little one, your Anna has to earn money (I call myself Anna to him). For you, the persistent bastard, and also for the woman Sima, thank God, Alena uses alimony, but Andrei needs to be thrown for the sake of his heel (I’ll tell you later), for the sake of his life crippled in prison. Yes. Performance eleven rubles. When it's seven. At least twice a month, thanks to Nadya again, a low bow to this wondrous creature. Once Andrey, on my instructions, went to her, took the vouchers and, the scoundrel, borrowed ten rubles from the poor woman! With her sick legless mother! How I then beat my tail and wriggled in agony! I myself, I whispered to her in the presence of a full room of employees and poets like me, I myself know ... My mother herself has been in the hospital for what a year ...
What year? Seven years. Once a week, flour visits, everything that I bring, she immediately eats greedily in front of me, cries and complains about her neighbors that they eat everything from her. Her neighbors, however, do not get up, as my older sister told me, why such complaints? Better you don’t go, don’t stir up water here for us sick. That's exactly how she put it. Recently she said again, I came with a break of a month due to Tima's illness: do not go firmly. Firmly.
And Andrei comes to me, demands his own. He is with his wife, so live, one asks. Requires what? Why, I ask, are you pulling from your mother, tearing you away from Sima's grandmother and the baby? To which, to which, he answers, let me rent my room and I will have so many rubles without you. What is your room, I am amazed once again, what is yours, we are registered: Baba Sima, me, Alena with two children, and only then you, plus you live with your wife. You're supposed to be five meters here. He definitely counts out loud: since a room of fifteen meters costs so many rubles, from somewhere he insists on this crazy figure, divided by three, there will be such and such a sum of thirty-three kopecks. Well, he agrees, you pay for the apartment, divide by six and take it away. In total, you owe me exactly one million rubles a month. Now, Andryusha, in that case, I tell him, I will file alimony for you, okay? In that case, he says, I will inform you that you are already receiving alimony from Timka's father. Poor! He doesn’t know that I don’t get anything, but if he knew, if he knew ... He would instantly go to Alyonushka’s job to yell and apply for I don’t know what. Alena knows this argument of mine and stays away, away, away from sin, but I am silent. Lives somewhere, rents with a child. For what? I can calculate: alimony is so many rubles. As a single mother, this is so many rubles. As a nursing mother, up to a year from the enterprise, a few more rubles. How she lives, I will not put my mind to it. Maybe her baby's father pays the rent? By the way, she herself hides the fact with whom she lives and whether she lives, she only cries, coming exactly twice since the birth. That was Anna Karenina's date with her son, and that was me in the role of Karenin. It was a date that happened for the reason that I talked to the girls at the post office (one girl of my age) so that they would talk to such and such, let them leave Timochka’s money alone, and on the day of alimony, the daughter appeared on the threshold, furious, in front pushes a red stroller (it means we have a girl, I thought briefly), she herself is again spotted, as in the old days when she fed Timka, a busty noisy aunt, and yells: “Gather Timka, I’m taking him to ... her mother.” Timochka howled in a thin voice, like a kitten, I began to say very calmly that she should be deprived of the right to motherhood, how can you throw a child on an old woman like that, and so on. Et sera. She: “Timka, we’re going, this one has become completely ill,” Timka switched to a screech, I just grin, then I say that for the sake of fifty children she will hand over to a mental hospital, she: it’s you who handed over your mother to a mental hospital, and I: “For your sake and passed, for your reason, ”a nod towards Timka, and Timka squeals like a pig, his eyes are full of tears and does not go to me or to his“ ... her mother ”, but stands, sways. I will never forget how he stood, barely on his feet, a small child, staggering with grief. And this one in the carriage, her stray, also woke up and went screaming, and my busty, broad-shouldered daughter also screams: you don’t even want to look at your own granddaughter, but this is for her, this is for her! And, screaming, laid out all the amounts on which she lives. You live here like that, but she has nowhere, she has nowhere! And I calmly, smiling, answered, and in essence, that let him pay her, that uy that patched her up and fled, apparently, for the second time no one can stand you. She, my mother-daughter, grabbed the tablecloth from the table and threw it two meters forward at me, but the tablecloth is not such a thing that you could kill anyone with it, I took the tablecloth away from my face - that's all. And we don’t have anything on the tablecloth, a plastic tablecloth, no crumbs for you, okay, no glass, no iron for you.
It was peak time, before my retirement, I get two days after her child support. And the daughter grinned and said that I shouldn’t be given these alimony, because they would not go to Tim, but to others - to what others, I cried, raising my hands to the sky, look what we have in the house, half a loaf of blackies and pollock soup ! Look, I yelled, wondering if my daughter had sniffed out something about the fact that I bought pills for one person with my own money, code name Friend, comes up to me in the evening at the threshold of the Central Pharmacy, mournful, handsome, middle-aged, only some kind of face puffy and dark in the dark: "Help, sister, the horse is dying." Horse. What kind of horse is this? It turned out that among the jockeys, his favorite horse was dying. At these words, he gritted his teeth and grabbed my shoulder heavily, and the weight of his arm pinned me to the spot. The heaviness of a man's hand. Bend or plant or put - as he pleases. But in a pharmacy with a horse prescription, they don’t give a horse dose, they send it to a veterinary pharmacy, but it is generally closed. And the horse is dying. You need at least pyramidon, it is in the pharmacy, but they give a meager dose. Need help. And I, like an idiot, as if under hypnosis, ascended back to the second floor and there I convinced a young saleswoman to give me thirty tablets (three children, grandchildren, are at home, evening, the doctor is only tomorrow, tomorrow there may not be amidopyrine, etc.) and bought on their own. It’s a trifle, the money is small, but my friend didn’t give it to me either, but wrote down my address, I’m waiting for him from day to day. What was in his eyes, what tears stood without shedding when he bent down to kiss my hand smelling of vegetable oil: then I kissed it on purpose, indeed, vegetable oil - but what to do, otherwise chicks, rough skin!
Horror, there comes a moment when you need to look good, and then vegetable oil, a semi-finished product of disappeared and inaccessible creams! Here and be beautiful!
So, away from the horse, especially since when I gave three leaflets of pills into my greedy, tenacious, swollen, sick hand, a ghoul with big ears, quiet, mournful, hanging his head in advance, came up with an unsteady step and loomed up behind, interfering our conversation and writing the address on a matchbox with my own pen. The friend only waved the ghoul away, carefully writing down the address, and the ghoul danced behind him, and, after another kiss in vegetable oil, the Friend was forced to leave in favor of a distant horse, but they immediately divided one package, a dozen, and, bending down, began to bite the pills out of the paper. Strange people, is it possible to use such horse doses even with a fever! And that both were ill, of that I had no doubt! And was the pitiful pill that I had snatched from me meant for the horse? Isn't this a deception? But it will be revealed when a Friend calls at my door.
So, I cried out: look who I should spend on, - and she suddenly answers, bursting into tears, that on Andrey, as always. Jealously crying for real, like in childhood, so what? Will you eat with us? Let's eat. I sat her down, Timka sat down, we dined last, after which my daughter forked out and gave us a small fraction of the money. Hooray. Moreover, Timka never approached the stroller, and the daughter went with the girl to my room and there, among the manuscripts and books, apparently, unfolded the stray one and fed it. I looked through the crack, a completely ugly child, not ours, bald, swollen eyes, fat and crying in a different, unusual way. Tima stood behind me and pulled my hand to leave.
The girl, apparently, is typical of their deputy director, with whom she was accustomed, as I learned from excerpts from her diary. I found where to hide it, on the closet under the box! I still wipe it from dust, but she hid it so cleverly that only the search for my old notebooks made me radically shovel everything. How many years has it been! She herself, at each of her visits, was all worried and climbed on the bookshelves, and I was worried if she would take away my books for sale, but no. Ten leaflets of the worst news for me!
“Please, no one read this diary even after my death.
Oh Lord, what a mess, what a mess I've sunk into, Lord, forgive me. I fell low. Yesterday I fell so terribly, I cried all morning. How scary when the morning comes, how hard it is to get up for the first time in my life from someone else's bed, dress in yesterday's underwear, I rolled my panties into a ball, just pulled on my tights and went to the bathroom. He even said "what are you ashamed of". What am I ashamed of. What seemed familiar yesterday, his pungent smell, his silky skin, his muscles, his swollen veins, his fur covered with dew drops, his body of a beast, a baboon, a horse - all this in the morning became alien and repulsive after he said that he apologizes, but at ten in the morning he will be busy, he must leave. I also said that I had to be at eleven in one place, oh shame, shame, I cried and ran to the bathroom and cried there. I cried under the stream of the shower, washing my panties, washing my body, which had become alien, as if I was watching it in a pornographic picture, my alien body, inside which some chemical reactions were going on, some kind of mucus was seething, everything was swollen, it hurt and burned , something was happening that had to be stopped, finished, crushed, otherwise I would have died.
(My note: we'll see what happened nine months later.)
I stood under the shower with a completely empty head and thought: everything! He doesn't need me anymore. Where to go? All my past life was crossed out. I can't live without him anymore, but he doesn't need me. It remained only to throw yourself somewhere under the train. (Found because of what - AA) Why am I here? He's already leaving. It’s good that last night, as soon as I came to him, I called m. like “I know which Lenka has, and you don’t have to come home at all” (what I said was this: “what are you, my girl, the child is sick, you’re a mother, how can you”, etc., but she already hung up the phone in a hurry, saying: “well, good bye” and not hearing “what’s good here” - A.A.) I hung up, making a kind face so that he would not guess anything, and he was pouring wine and all somehow froze over the table, began to think about something, and then, apparently, decided something, but I noticed all this. Maybe I said too bluntly that I would stay with him for the night, maybe it was impossible to say this, but I said just that with some kind of selfless feeling that I give him all of myself, you fool! (namely - A.A.) He stood gloomily with a bottle in his hand, and I didn’t care at all. Not only did I lose control of myself, I knew from the very beginning that I would follow this man and do everything for him. I knew that he was the deputy director for science, I saw him at meetings, that's all. Nothing of the kind could come to my mind, all the more I was shocked when in the buffet he sat down at a table next to me without looking, but after saying hello, a big man and much older than me, his friend sat down with him, a bayun and a rhetorician, a talker with very good hair and sparse facial hair, weak and light, he grew and grew mustaches and in them he looked like some kind of film actor like a policeman, but he himself was almost a woman, about whom the laboratory assistants said that he was wonderful and in the middle of events he could suddenly run away into the corner and shout "don't look here." And what this means, they did not explain, they themselves did not know. This talker immediately began to speak to me, and the one who was sitting next to me, he was silent and suddenly stepped on my foot ... (Note: Lord, whom I raised! My head turns gray before my eyes! That evening, I remember, Timochka became it was strange to cough, I woke up, and he just barked: haw! haw! and could not inhale the air, it was scary, he kept exhaling, exhaling, shrunk into a ball, turned gray, the air came out of him with this barking, he turned blue and could not breathe, but kept barking and barking and began to cry from fright. We know this, we went through it, it’s nothing, it’s laryngeal edema and false croup, acute pharyngitis, I experienced it with children, and the first thing: you need to sit down and calm down, put your feet in hot water with mustard and call an ambulance, but all at once if you don’t, you won’t get through to the ambulance, you need a second person, and the second person at that time, look what he writes.) The one who was sitting next to me suddenly stepped on my foot. He came again without looking, but buried in a cup of coffee, but with a smile. All the blood rushed to my head, it became stuffy. Two years have passed since the divorce from Sasha, not so much, but no one knows that Sasha did not live with me! We slept in the same bed, but he did not touch me! (My comments: this is all nonsense, but I coped with the situation, sat the baby down, began to stroke his hands, persuaded him to breathe with his nose, well, little by little, well, well, with a nose like this, don’t cry, oh, if there was a second person nearby to heat water! I carried him to the bathroom, let literally boiling water there, began to breathe, we got wet in these vapors, and he gradually began to calm down. Sunshine! Always and everywhere I was alone with you and will stay! A woman is weak and indecisive when it comes to concerns her personally, but she is a beast when it comes to children! And what does your mother write here? - A. A.) We slept in the same bed, but he did not touch me! I didn't know anything then. (Commentary: scoundrel, scoundrel, scoundrel! - A.A.) I didn’t know what and how, and I was even grateful to him that he didn’t touch me, I was terribly tired with the child, my back was always bent over Tima, two blood flowed for a month, I didn’t ask any friends about anything, none of them had given birth yet, I was the first and thought that it was supposed to be so - (comment: you’re stupid stupid, I would tell my mother, I would immediately guess that the scoundrel is afraid that she would become pregnant again! - A.A.) - and thought that this was the way it was needed, that I was not allowed, and so on. He slept next to me, ate (no comments - A.A.)
- drank tea (burped, urinated, picked his nose - A.A.)
- shaved (favorite pastime - A.A.)
- read, wrote his term papers and laboratory papers, again slept and snored quietly, and I loved him tenderly and devotedly and was ready to kiss his feet - what did I know? What did I know? (have pity on the poor - A.A.) I knew only one single case, the first time when he suggested that I go out for a walk in the evening after dinner, there were still bright nights, we walked, walked and went into the hayloft, why did he choose me? During the day we worked in the field, picked up potatoes, and he said “are you free in the evening?”, And I said “I don’t know”, we dug around one twisted ridge, he was with a pitchfork, and I crawled after him in canvas mittens. It was sunny, and my Lenka screamed: “Alena, be careful!” I looked around, a dog was standing next to me and squinting, and something terrible stuck out under his stomach. (Like this, give the girls to work on the collective farm - A.A.) I jumped back, and Sasha swung his pitchfork at the dog. In the evening we climbed into the hayloft, he climbed in first and gave me his hand, oh, this hand. I ascended like fluff. And then they sat like fools, I took this hand away from him, that's all. And suddenly someone rustled right next to me, he grabbed me and bent me down, we froze. He covered me like at the front with his body from danger, so that no one would see me. He protected me like his child. I felt so good, warm and comfortable, I snuggled up to him, this is love, it was already impossible to tear it off. Who rustled there further, I didn’t care anymore, he said that it was mice. He persuaded me that the pain would pass next time, do not scream, be silent, you need to gain strength, gain strength, and I just clung to him with every cell of my being. He climbed into the bloody mess, into rags, like a pump he pumped my blood, the straw under me was wet, I squeaked like a rubber toy with a hole in the side, I thought that he tried everything in one night, which I read and heard about in the hostel from others, but it didn’t matter to me, I loved him and felt sorry for him like my son and was afraid that he would leave, he was tired.
(if only my son was like that! No words - A.A.) -
As a result, he told me that there is nothing more beautiful than a woman. And I couldn’t tear myself away from him, stroked his shoulders, arms, stomach, he sobbed and also clung to me, it was a completely different feeling, we found each other after parting, we were in no hurry, I learned to respond, I understood that I was leading him in the right direction, he achieved something, searched for and finally found, and I fell silent, everything
(That's it, stop! As the Japanese poet wrote, a harmonium was brought to a lonely teacher. Oh children, children, you grow, you protect, you live, you endure, the words of one khalda-cleaner in a rest house, with a stick she opened the swallow's nest so that they would not shit on the porch, with a stick put it in there and beat, and a chick fell out, quite large)
heart was beating strongly, strongly, and as if he hit
(stick, stick)
pleasure, that's what it's called
(And can the drunken son of the poet Dobrynin say on the phone, breathing heavily as after a fight, can he be a man, who is being pulled like a washcloth, I don’t know who he meant)
- please don't read this
(Children, do not read! When you grow up, then - A.A.).
And then he thrashed himself, lay down, pressed himself, groaning through his teeth, hissed "ss-sss", cried, shook his head ... And he said "I love you." (This is what humanity calls depravity - A.A.) Then he lay in the pale light of the morning, and I got up, like an empty shell of my own, trembling, and gathered everything on weak cotton legs.
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