What is an unequal marriage and how does a large age difference affect the development of relationships? An unequal marriage can be ideal. How often does a marriage of different ages fall apart.

Hypergamy is a term that came to sociology from biology; it describes a subconscious impulse in women to strive to find a partner who is more fulfilled in society. In the animal world, a female almost always makes a choice in favor of the strongest male, who would be able to provide for offspring and protect them from external threats.

In the human world, a woman is looking for a man who could create a full-fledged material platform for a future family. This feature of thinking, inherited from our ancestors at the genetic level, is now more often found in the disapproving form of “unequal marriage”, because the search for the best partner, unfortunately, in the modern context is associated with material wealth, and not with strength and dexterity, as it was thousands years ago.

The police protect people, the state supports them, so the need for a strong companion is significantly weakened, and many stigmas come to the fore. Because of this, there are many stigmas swirling around, which in fact appear due to ignorance by the majority of the simple canons of psychology. So it’s time to truthfully answer the question: what is an “unequal marriage” among people, and is marrying a partner of unequal status and position something bad?

What is an unequal marriage?

Unequal marriage refers to relationships between people of different ages, social circles or material wealth.

The word “unequal” is used to emphasize the different positions of spouses on the social ladder.

You shouldn’t immediately turn to the negative connotation of inequality, because five is not equal to three, but hardly anyone will say that this is bad.

What is it called in one word?

Unequal marriages can be called “misalliance” in the French manner, but, of course, it is not always worth using the term to describe the wedding of ordinary people: initially, misalliance is a marriage of different classes, when the origin of the partners is strikingly different. In other words, one is a nobleman, and the other is a janitor.

Kinds

There are not many types of marriage inequality. The main factor in such relationships is often the age or position of the individual spouse.

You can look at it from different angles:

• older woman. Interesting fact: in every sixth couple (approximately) there is an older woman and a young chosen one. The classic age difference between partners, which society is already beginning to pay attention to, is five years;
• older man. More often it is a marriage of an elderly nouveau riche and a young virgin. Here, society lets young people through a little more leniently: ten years is already considered a reason to believe that marriage is unequal;
• the chosen one or chosen one is richer. It’s all very simple: one of the partners brings a large fortune under their belt, while the second one uses what has already been accumulated;
• marriages with status. The president marries a milkmaid, a celebrity chooses a simple girl from the people. In such unions, one of the partners has a higher social status.

Goals and features of performing basic family functions

Considering that modern families have largely lost a large number of functions that cemented them in the past (protective, educational, etc.), the union has only a few of the most traditional bonds, as they are called, that are strong in relation to changes.

Here is how, in most cases, the “responsibility map” of spouses in an unequal marriage is distributed:

1. economic contribution. The partner on whom the financial factor depends is in charge of feeding the family, its well-being, and disposing of household property. Since he has greater opportunities to earn money, the goal of an economically or socially secure person is to find funds and distribute them wisely. The passive partner in this context sits “on the farm”: looks after this property and organizes a stable life;
2. . Sex is the basis of relationships, and here the younger companion shows himself more actively, who cares about satisfying sexual needs more intensively;
3. education and upbringing. The partner free from work spends time on, and the worker only takes part in it. Although the latter makes a greater contribution to the development of the child in terms of education, since it has the financial capacity to provide full-fledged education. A status partner can also use social leverage: in essence, “push” both the other partner and the children.

Psychophysiology and psychology of unequal marriages

As was said at the very beginning, the search for a “highest quality” partner is due to an internal mechanism that has developed evolutionarily.

The brain of any person is designed in such a way that it strives to find the best and least losing options for the development of situations, so when a woman looks through the candidates, she unconsciously gravitates towards the chosen one, who stands out from the crowd with such indicators as status and wealth.

A similar situation occurs with men, only, unlike women, they take into account not possible offspring, but their own status, which can be obtained as a result of interaction. Age marriages work differently.

If a girl grew up without a father, then it is absolutely normal for her to gravitate towards companions in adulthood who are capable of giving her fatherly love, and only the partner whose experience allows him to surround the woman with an unusual feeling is capable of this.

That is, she gets married more in order to get a “father-daughter” relationship, although on the surface it may seem to her that she is simply in love. This scheme is no exception for men.

On the other hand, the search for a young partner in old age is an indicator of the activation of sexuality, when the body needs a surge of certain energy, and the brain suggests that the best way to do this is to find someone who himself has a large flow of such energy. More often than not, it is in youth that a person is unusually active sexually.

How high is the risk of divorce in a multi-age union?

It usually seems: if there is inequality in age in a marriage, then such intercourse between people is doomed to failure. it is not true.

There are many dangers for newlyweds in inequality, as well as disadvantages, but marriage of age is a reliable union, and this is confirmed by life. Partners who turn a blind eye to the age difference cope better with problems and, as a result, build stronger relationships, because one is wise and can tell where the wrong step is hidden.

And spouses of different ages divorce mostly because of jealousy. So, if you have a non-jealous temperament, you can think about a much younger partner.

The relationship of Orthodoxy to misalliances

Of course, if you are not a relative of Elizabeth II, then a misalliance is not looming on the horizon. It is more interesting to talk about the attitude of the Orthodox Church towards ordinary marriages of different ages without any admixture of blue blood.

The Holy Synod in 1861 issued a decree obliging priests to prevent the difference for more than five years, but those who wish can be persistent, and then the priest is obliged to carry out the wedding without hindrance.

Technically, Christianity does not patronize age marriages, but it also does not have any particularly categorical “against”.

How does the age difference between wife and husband affect sex?

The sexology of mixed-age unions varies greatly. Sexologists generally find more positive aspects: a relationship with a younger partner will give an older partner confidence and open a new page in sexual history.

In addition, a romantic moment is included, since in our youth we sometimes turn a blind eye to candy-bouquet courtship, and for older people, sex with “fresh blood” pushes us to exploits in an attempt to make up for lost time.

There is a whole bag of points of view here, but in general, sexologists agree that the difference allows you to gain experience on the one hand and open a door that was once slammed shut on the other.

Marriages with the largest age difference: examples in Russia and the world

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have been together since 2000, and the 25-year difference between the couple, as they themselves say in many interviews, binds them more tightly both emotionally and physically. And even though Douglas looks like a loser compared to the Hollywood beauties, the star duo is not going to get a divorce. The 31-year age difference does not interfere with Alexander Gradsky and Marina Kotashenko. The couple has been happy for 10 years now, and in 2014 Kotashenko gave the then 64-year-old singer a son.

Famous misalliances in history

Did you know that Peter I took as his wife a simple cook, Fevronia, who later became one of the most memorable representatives of the Romanov family? We know her more as Empress Catherine I. The laundress who ascended the throne. Misalliances still occur in our time: one only has to remember the noisy marriage of Kate Middleton and Prince William.

Can life with a young spouse be long and happy: the opinion of domestic psychologists

Psychologist Natalya Tolstaya believes that people tend to make mistakes, which is why many older marriages begin with an initial prejudice: we won’t be happy, or we will be, but not for long.

The main thing, as Natalya says, is to overcome the factor of public opinion and look at the real goals and motives.

The woman also notes the importance of the emotional maturity of a young spouse - a partner who is too young can simply run away to a primitive relationship.

The logical conclusion suggests itself: the dissolution of an unequal marriage is not always associated with an element that introduces this inequality. Spouses who differ in position or age have an excellent chance of building a strong family, it’s just that the difficulties in it will be of a different nature, different from the usual unions.

You should not immediately close yourself off from the opportunity to start a relationship with a person many times greater than your age or position just because society will not support it.

Try to assess the situation based on your personal experience, without which you will simply turn into a puppet of the majority opinion and will never be able to open the door to true happiness. Moreover, if you look closely, marriages with overtones of inequality have much more potential and obvious advantages.

Marriage at different ages contributes to the aging of women

Do not rush to create a family in which the woman is much older or younger than her husband. In such an unequal marriage, German experts say, wives age prematurely. But a man is not affected by the difference in years.

What is surprising is that any difference in years between spouses is reflected in the aging of a woman - both in the case when her husband is older and when she is younger. The first of the cases is easy for scientists to explain: when the husband is older, they say, the wife withers with him and quickly withers away. But when the husband is young, the reason for early aging of the body is unclear.

However, they are sure that this is a fact. And hence their advice: look for peers to live together. Or those men with whom the age difference is no more than five years.

In the 90s, girls were looking for daddies, and today young men are looking for older women. They affectionately call them “mommies.” What attracts a young man to a woman of Balzac's age? What makes her, mature and successful, rush headlong into the pool and what to do when love ends?

My client, a 39-year-old woman, is beautiful and fit.

The problem I have is with my husband,” she says. - He is 25, he is smart, affectionate, works in a reputable company... He is my greatest love. We got married 3 years ago, for his sake I left my husband, gave birth to a son... Everything was fine, but in recent months everything has changed. Probably, 14 years of difference is still too much. Konstantin wanted to visit, receive guests at our home, he likes to go to discos. But I have a responsible job, I get tired, and in the evenings I want to stay at home. It took a very long time for my health to recover after childbirth; I had to deny my husband intimacy. And he was in the prime of his life, demanding love and attention. As a result, he left me and my son. When I found out that he was living with a woman older than me, I was shocked! I do not understand anything! I beg you, talk to him, I don’t want to live without him!

Konstantin turned out to be an attractive man, slim, athletic, and very pleasant to talk to. He never liked girls his own age - even at school he was in love with his first teacher, about 40 years old. His first true love took place during his student years, in his first year, and the “object” was quite suitable for the guy’s mother. The affair lasted 2 years, it brought Kostya a lot of joy, including sexual ones.

Second romance in my senior year, and again the partner is much older. Then, succumbing to the persuasion of his friends, he tried to meet with women his own age, even entered into intimate relationships with them, but in communication they seemed uninteresting to him, and he did not experience anything in bed. He got his wife out of the blue: the boss fell in love, as they say, at first sight. But now, after three years of living together, he looked alarmed and confused: “Our life didn’t work out... Natasha didn’t want to do what I want, and I’m not interested in living the way she lives.”

The wife must be younger

What is the optimal age ratio between a man and a woman for a successful marriage? Most believe: a husband should be 3-4 years older than his wife. It is with this age gap that experts observe the greatest satisfaction with marriage. And the largest number of children in the family, and the most harmonious intimate life, and the smallest number of divorces - 37%. But marriages of different ages, those where the gap is 10 years or more, are much less stable. There are about 60% of divorces, there are much fewer children, and the degree of satisfaction, both psychological and sexual, decreases significantly over the years.

And yet, every year more and more people create “multi-age” families. What attracts men and women? Why is this attraction so strong that it overcomes the resistance of family, friends and common sense?

Why does she need this?

A union with a young man attracts women with the opportunity to “rejuvenate” and forget about their age. There comes a time in every woman's life when she realizes that her youth is gone. Psychologists call these conditions “depression of two-thirds of life.” And how hard they are, what ridiculous actions previously quite reasonable people commit in these 3-4 years!

A union with a young man creates the illusion of youth. A relationship with a young man increases a woman’s prestige in the eyes of those around her and increases her place in the female hierarchy. Look how show business stars live! Which “ordinary” woman would refuse to feel special?

In addition, young men are often consoled by the grown-up partners of daddies of the 90s. They were picked up, washed, fed, given gifts and loved. They have everything: an apartment, money, business. They grew stronger under sensitive guidance, grew up and felt their strength and power. They no longer need a “daddy”, because for him sex is now just a 4-letter word from a crossword puzzle, which he likes to solve in the evenings. “Big girls” themselves have learned to enjoy life. But the feeling of being used does not leave them for many years. And when the opportunity arises to show off, like demobilization in the army over the young, they do not miss their prey. It’s not for nothing that psychologists say that the most powerful tyrants come from former victims.

Why does he need this?

The reasons why young men connect their lives with older partners remain largely mysterious. After all, by entering into such a union, they doom themselves in advance to the disapproval of their parents and others, to the fact that in ten years, or even earlier, they will become a “nurse” for an elderly wife. Their peers will live active and interesting lives, and they...

And yet 10% of men, like Konstantin, go for it. What motivates them? It turns out that more than half of these men come from families where the mother is much older than the father. Almost 40% of “young husbands” grew up without a mother, or with a very busy mother, and a quarter (!) never saw their mother at all. Only a very small part grew up in traditional families, but their mother was kind and caring. In the eyes of her son, the mother became an ideal woman, an example of a future wife. It’s not for nothing that boys’ first love occurs in kindergarten, and every second child promises to grow up and marry their favorite teacher.

The vast majority of those I’m talking about felt a craving for women much older than themselves as early as adolescence. They never had any interest in their peers. Marriage with older women is not an accident, but a natural continuation of the entire previous life of a young man. Many of them try to “escape fate,” but when communicating with their peers, they experience great disappointment. With women who are more mature, armed with the skills to communicate with men, they are many times more comfortable.

There is also a special part of young men who are ready to enter into a relationship for money with any wealthy woman. They need to assert themselves at someone else’s expense, especially since they don’t need to make any effort. Finding a “mommy” and living happily ever after is the ultimate dream. If you get tired of one, you can always go to another.

Love in phases

Psychologist Frank Pitman argues that in such unions there are two phases: the first represents an emotional and sexual uplift, in which the woman actually rejuvenates, and lasts 3-5 years. In the second, the difference in age, interests, lifestyle, and sexual demands comes to the fore, gives rise to many conflicts and leads either to divorce or to an extremely low quality of relationship.

From my clients, and just women I know, I often hear: “Yes, I understand everything, but... let it be 5 years, but mine. 5 years of happiness, and then there’s a flood!” And I never tire of reminding them that in 5 years they will need warmth, love and understanding even more.

If you happen to fall in love with a young man, and he reciprocates your feelings, then do not lose common sense: an affair is possible, but marriage, as a rule, is doomed to failure.

In recent years, the number families, where there is a large age difference between spouses, has increased significantly. Moreover, the variant of marriage that we are familiar with from the painting “Unequal Marriage” by the artist Vasily Pukirev, when a man is much older than his chosen one, is found today as often as when a woman is much older than her husband in years.

It is usually considered normal if young woman marries a man much older than herself, this does not cause any gossip or confusion among others. After all, a wealthy and successful man is able to better provide for and care for his family. If a woman who is already over 40 marries a young man, then in such cases evil tongues tend to say that the basis of such a union lies in the selfish goals of the man and, because of this, they are fragile. Indeed, this opinion is to some extent true. But to say that all unequal marriages are temporary would not be entirely fair. What are the prospects for an unequal marriage? Can an unequal marriage be happy and long?

Everyone knows that young people spouse Only people with substantial income and high social status can boast. Young beauties will not connect their fate with men working as mechanics, plumbers, bus drivers or other low-paid professions. Young Apollos are also in no hurry to tie the knot with elderly saleswomen, nurses and cleaners.

In demand among young guys enjoy businesswomen, popular actresses or wives of influential people. Today anyone can become a “beloved” for a handsome young man, provided that she has a three-room apartment, an expensive car of a prestigious brand and enough money to provide her young husband with a joyful life. Just like Balzaminov, most modern guys “all rich people seem handsome.”

Marriage for love does not happen unequal. Love is a special attitude towards a partner, when it seems to a person that the one he loves is the smartest, kindest, most beautiful and slender. He is the only person dear to him in the world, without whom he cannot imagine life. For relationships based on mutual love, unequal marriages do not exist; they are the happiest and most durable, despite the large age difference between partners.

In marriages for love young A guy or a girl is attracted not by the material security and physical strength of a spouse, but by his spiritual maturity. His talent and intelligence. Not every young man or young lady is able to appreciate such qualities in a person who no longer has a slender figure and an attractive face. Therefore, young girls and boys who have a rich inner world marry for love with an older partner.

They want to find spiritual intimacy with your loved one. The age of the spouse for the young man in this case does not matter. Here the difference between the spouses can be twenty or thirty years, but the spouses are spiritually so close to each other that it is not noticeable. Unequal marriages based on love and mutual respect are often stronger than all reckless marriages of passion.

But most are unequal marriages are still based on selfish considerations. Somehow it’s hard to believe that a young, handsome and healthy guy would suddenly be inflamed with an unearthly passion for a woman who has already been pretty battered by life, or that a long-legged beauty would fall in love with an old man who no longer has the strength to satisfy her in bed. Unequal marriages of convenience have every chance of falling apart in the first 3 years of their existence. Usually the reason for the divorce of such married couples is the jealousy of the older spouse, who creates scandals for any reason.

In unequal marriages of convenience big What matters is the material condition and quality of sex, and without mutual respect and trust, no relationship can last long. Very often, a young girl, having embraced her rich older husband, begins to cheat on him with young and handsome men. Not all “old men” turn a blind eye to the adventures of their young wife; many kick out their chosen ones without a penny in their pocket. This is the result of many unequal marriages of convenience. After all, where there is no love, there will always be a reason for separation.

An unequal marriage has good chances for long-term existence when the spouses have common interests, despite the fact that the sexual relationship between them is already on the decline. In addition to sex, they must be united by kinship of souls, otherwise divorce is inevitable. The birth of common children can also help strengthen relationships between spouses with a large age difference.

There have always been conversations about age marriages, when one spouse is 10, 15 years or more older than the other. At some times, such unions were considered the norm, at others they were condemned. Today we’ll talk about them objectively, without going to extremes.

Harmony and values

When analyzing relationships in families of different ages, you need to consider not so much the difference in years as value guidelines. This plays a role because often people have similar motivations and all their needs are met in marriage.

The wife, if she is much younger than her husband, likes his care, patronage, he teaches her something. She respects his experience and is ready to be in the role of “daughter”. And it’s nice for a husband to be a caring “father.” In this case, the couple will exist harmoniously. Mainly, there is a question of people growing up. Everything is very individual.

It should be understood that at a certain stage a woman may want more independence, but they are still not ready to perceive her in a role other than “daughter”. This may be one of the reasons for the breakdown of a relationship. The main stumbling block in such marriages is the issue of meeting the needs of both parties.

Family is a system. If you endure for a long time, sacrifice your interests, and experience discomfort, then the situation turns into a dangerous one. Even though it can also exist for quite a long time, the risk of decay in this case is high.

What are the difficulties of a marriage of different ages?

The difference in cultural level. If the difference in years is large, then these may be two generations growing up in different social conditions. The generation of the Soviet Union has a mentality that is different from that formed after perestroika. The older generation grew up on different principles, norms and concepts, they saw other examples, listened to certain music, read books of their time. Today's youth live in a different cultural layer. Sometimes it is difficult for people ten years apart to hear and understand each other. It all depends on the level of development of each spouse, on interests, flexibility and willingness to take something from each other, learn something.

Marriage can be compared to a joint venture. And, as in any business, if both partners work for the common good, then such an enterprise is viable. If someone alone works, and the other only reaps the benefits, then such an enterprise will not last long.

No guarantees

In our culture, it is believed that it is good when the husband is older than the wife. But the question should be posed differently. The point is not the age, but how mature both are. Sometimes the older husband behaves like a child, and the young wife “rules” the family, since she is the director of the company, and he is 50 years old and is her driver. Members of a couple of different ages may experience age-related crises differently. It depends on their overall internal harmony.

There is nothing wrong with families where spouses have a significant age difference, but physiology will sooner or later interfere with the relationship. There are age-related hormonal peaks and valleys. At some point there will still be some dissonance.

Let's say one spouse's sexual needs decrease, while the other remains the same. This aspect cannot be discounted. It’s good when all areas of relationships are harmonious, emotional, sexual, and material. It is important that the couple finds compensation options that suit both partners.

Why do marriages break up?

The reasons do not always lie in the age difference. Conflicts and disagreements happen in any family. When people live together for a long time, fatigue and mutual grievances accumulate, mutual dissatisfaction with everyday life and mutual claims. There are fewer and fewer positive moments in a couple’s life, and life together turns into a routine. Against this background, irritability and intolerance towards each other are growing. Sometimes one of the spouses may develop an addiction, such as alcohol addiction. This is also a risk factor.

Joint ventures without satisfying mutual interests lose their meaning. You can, of course, include an obligation for the sake of the children, but sooner or later these supports break off. “Live for your children” is a very common myth. Even if such a marriage persists, then the children, looking at how dad and mom treat each other coldly, grow up with the subconscious attitude “marriage should bear coldness, claims, discontent.”

Eternal fears

Women have a fear of being alone. The fear that she cannot cope with the situation alone often makes a woman cling to unnecessary relationships. We are not talking about happiness, of course. This is a kind of coexistence, when people tolerate each other, because it is scary to take the first step, to abandon this stereotype, to break the usual system.

It also happens that people live, but feel that they have not been together for a long time. In this case, the problem is the fear of taking responsibility, the fear of being a destroyer of the family. Therefore, the game continues, and everyone pretends that everything is fine. It is very difficult to be the initiator of a divorce. Such a step requires courage and maturity.

The reasons for concluding a union of different ages can be very different, no one has the right to condemn such a choice. And those who make this choice should keep in mind the features and potential difficulties of such relationships. When both people behave responsibly, the family is strong and children grow up in love.

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